'10

A year ago right now I was walking around Reyoldstown, Atlanta, Georgia with Garrett, Tyler and Bill. I was probably standing in line at Best Buy with Tyler while he wasted his gift card on junk food and I was laughing at him for it, along with the employee ringing it up. That morning I had woken up and walked to the Barnes and Noble to change, get ready, brush my teeth, etc. We drove around Atlanta, under this bridge covered in awesome graffiti and wandered around Ikea for a while. We went to Taco Bell and Bill got cheese in his beard and I thought I was going to vomit, we went to Wal Mart and I was overly excited about all the cheap vegan food I could buy since I had $17 for all of tour. We went back to the house we were staying at (the second of two nights, however still technically the first because Garrett, Tyler and I had slept in the van the night before), took showers and basically brought in the new year sitting around the living room, watching Inglorious Basterds (which might be my least favorite movie ever) and I tried to not let the boys' shitty attitudes bring me down as I tried to see fireworks out the window.
Despite being on tour with negative people and some that aren't too nice to you, the best part of welcoming in 2010 was doing so traveling.

And I don't think anything could of been any more prophetic, or a glimpse into how the whole year was going to be, than that specific fact (including that 10 months later I'd be driving through that graffiti covered bridge again in my own car with all different people, visiting Atlanta kids I didn't even know existed a year ago). I really found what I love most on that tour; being in a new city every night, wandering around places i've never been, making new friends and just generally traveling- where my heart really is and stays even when I'm not.
I spent the rest of 2010 doing those things as much as possible. As much as I hope 2011 brings new things, experiences and doesn't feel the exact same, I hope this isn't an aspect of my life that ever changes unless it's towards something more.

two eighths

You said, "I've slept a collective 9 hours in the past 3 days", and I heard you, but you didn't need to say it. Your eyes already said it for you.

You have the most tired eyes I've ever seen and I think they're the best. They're the best because you said you hadn't slept and your eyes told me you weren't lying. Your eyes told me you'd never lie to me.

My memory doesn't serve me well these days. I don't remember the things people say, even when I wish I'd hold on to their words forever. But I could never forget a thing your eyes said, even in a barely audible whisper. And if you wanted I could listen to them chatter for a million hours, if you wanted I could make their incessant chatter my background music; the tune that carries my feet down the street every day.

004.

I am so entirely both scared and excited for everything 2011 is bringing me. Everything I have to look forward to is extremely exciting, but at the same time the exact situations I'm scared of most.

2011- pushing myself out of my comfort zone(s) and finally getting over the things that hold me back? I hope so. Everything is going exactly the way I want it to, it's just the butterflies that hesitate my steps.

The next week is hopefully going to be great. Flying back to Philly on Tuesday, staying with Stace and hanging out- saying bye more finally than ever to that city, new years pizza parties with my best friends, going to Richmond on New Years day to see Dakota and finally driving to Asheville with Max and Chrystina and moving into my house!

"come home i miss you" I don't think anyone has quite as many homes as me. It's a really great feeling some nights. My housemate is so great, how'd I get so lucky? 2010 how did you bring me so much?

New shoes, new friends, new houses, new music, new feelings, new everything; just in time for the new year.

I'm happy again, in a much different way.

cc

When people you think are really cool end up not being really cool at all.
When you REALLY REALLY want to get to know them and you leave disappointed because you made them up to be so much more in your head. It's your own fault, but even that knowledge doesn't change the disappointment clouding your day.

I hope that never happens with you- to us.
Or if anything at all I sure hope I can tie into this somehow; just maybe there's an extra spot somewhere with my name on it.


"Christmas presents" really turning into Christmas presents, and blushing because I don't want to care but it still feels nice.
Almost as nice as having friends that actually inspire you. I'm not sure I've ever felt that before now (new feelings, first times). I hope one day I can be that person for someone.

really really

I don't know how it's possible to feel so much at once all the time.

How I can get so sad, yet be so excited. At the same time.
How I can be so happy, yet so nervous. At the same time.
How I can feel so anxious, yet so grateful. At the same time.
(So tired, yet so restless.)

All of these emotions, at the same time, all the time.
Every moment of every day I feel really intense.
I don't understand how it's possible to even feel this much; but if it's the alternative to not feeling anything at all, I'll gladly take it.


The only emotion I can even get a handle on is feeling more restless than ever, but even then I'm helpless to help myself.

And I can't sleep because of ma(il/le).
Twos and threes and twenty-threes.

typical

Someone I'm actually interested in as a person tells me they think I'm "cute" and I only think about how I should probably never talk to him again because it'll just make things weird, awkward and end horribly; because anytime anyone says anything like that now all I can think is "I will now inevitably fuck this up" and my past only proves me right.

I'm doing so well with everything else, but that is the one factor that I will probably never master- "relationships" and every single little thing that could fall into that category even questionably.

Which is the reason I keep thinking maybe it's better to keep my real interest in another person to myself and not pursue it with any true intentions. About a year ago I started to think hey maybe it'll get me somewhere if I change my ways and actually put myself out there- but that is not the case at all. The minute it's out in the air it's doomed and I can't be myself and everything gets so messy- at the very least mentally for me.

It's alright, friends are better anyways and that's all I really need from you anyways and we've already gotten that far- who knows why but I'm happy about it and that's all that matters.

003.

Reading things I just wrote this past summer, I feel so much older; like I wrote them ages ago. Is it possible I've grown up even more in just that time? That I can express myself so much more clearly and literately? That I complain less about menial things (or at least in a less annoying manner)? I don't feel so different, but I do know that in just the last 5 months I've learned even more what's important to me and where I'm headed; but can that affect how I mentally and verbally present myself? The writing progression would say so, but I never even feel like I really know what's going on with myself so I don't have the answer for any of these questions and never will. However if that is the case I'm not complaining. Here's to actually feeling your age, acknowledging maturity, knowing what you want out of life AND finally how to get there.

002.

Today my mother, sister, brother and I went to get our Christmas tree. Any year previously (although admittedly I haven't been overjoyed during family outings the last few) I would have thrown a fit if we hadn't gotten a real tree, decorated it, etc. However this year I had a different mind set for the first time, new thoughts that never really crossed my mind. I don't know whether they've spawned from my independence that I've really grown into the past year or two, my political understandings and view points that have become a lot clearer, practiced and defined, or if I'm just some jaded twenty year old who "doesn't think anything matters". But as we were leaving the Christmas tree lot with our new found pine in the back of the car, I couldn't help thinking there's something seriously flawed with the idea of going to buy a tree to place presents under for the sake and obligation of it all- seriously spending an outrageous amount of money on a tree that will sit in the living room a few weeks before ending up curb side- when there's not even food to eat in the kitchen cupboards. Obviously it's not secret that Christmas is a capitalist holiday about money and greed and a need for "things", and although I like giving things to the people I love I don't need a time of year centered around it, but the fact of it all really hit me today. The stupidity of spending $45 of a measly tree to sit in your living room and look nice when that money could be used for something you actually need, rather than "need".

And although these kind of thoughts affect my outlooks on certain things and people, and my overall mood, negatively, I think it says something about what I care about and think is important and that maybe I'm on the right track.

ink

I wish I knew what you smelled like; or wonder if I do but just can't remember.
I think that might be weird, but it's very honest so maybe that redeems it a little bit.

Chamomile

It really was our summer, wasn't it? It wasn't mine, it wasn't yours. It was collectively our friendship's summer.

I wrote that for you, I wish you knew. The irony in how close you are.

orange

I think one of my favorite feelings is the first time you realize a person isn't just someone you know anymore, but a friend; the moment the first time you ever refer to them as your friend, say it out loud or acknowledge it, when you feel everything shift a little.

103

And if you asked me a year ago, I couldn't see myself on this road; but now the street signs and yellow lines are burned into my mind.

Feelings, feelings, feelings and other kinds of feelings.

I'm sorry

I can't sit here and say I'm always going to be there anymore. I won't follow through, I'm not waiting for you. I'm living my own life and for once my decisions make a lot of sense. I have so many plans and things to look forward to and I'm not so sure I want to share it with you anymore.

Other than this, and the questions of how far to take detaching myself, all that keeps running through my head is "things are so great!" Which has to be one of the most amazing ideas I've felt in months.

One question though, what's more important- someone physically being around or the ability to trust someone?
I think I know the answer and it makes a lot of things make a lot of sense.

But not everything because the people that make me happiest are the ones I hardly know.

NC

Some how in a few days time I was able to remember why I chose this. Why I abruptly left, and why there's been this need to keep going and leaving and finding new people, places and things inside me that was undying for so long. I felt excited the last two days, and I can't tell you the last time I felt that full of hope and couldn't wipe a stupidly happy smile off my face. Everything that's falling into place are things that make me unbelievably happy.

Hanging out with Madeline and Sascha, being around radical people and hearing interesting discussions, remembering what it's like to be around people doing things and who care about things who are genuinely good and feeling that rub off of them and on to me, plans for fests and road trips in coming months already and positivity towards the months to come.

It's fucking freezing, and for the first time I don't mind.

California tomorrow, I don't want to go. But I know a phone call from a new friend and letter from a boy so close but so far will keep me going.

I'm living MY life. I feel completely alone in an amazing way. I left a lot of people, places and parts of my life miles away. But I did it knowingly. They helped get me here, and I'm thankful for that; for helping me become the person that's sitting here right now. But they served their purpose. Nothing in the past ever made me as genuinely happy as this; the part of my life that previously was only a portion of the whole thing, and now I'm making it the whole thing. Letting go of everything else. I've said goodbye to so many pasts, and now I'm doing it once again. Because as right as they felt as one point, they never felt as right as this.

001.

Things float in and out. And sometimes I feel summer again, or moments I was so overwhelmed and my chest tightens up.
But it's all starting to make sense again. I found my place, I just need reminders and foundation to set my feet in more permanently. I'm on my own and that's how it should be.

Roses

I slept in pretty darn late today, I think it's because I've been drinking so much coffee through out the day and then early morning comes and I'm just so restless. But as my insecurities started to seep in, when I start wondering if people liked me or if I'm worth hanging out with and I wondered if Madeline would want to hang out again, she called! And I met up with her and Sascha and ate free food from Rosetta's and Madeline and I split a piece of their vegan cake. Everything was so great, except now I am really full. It's very nice having people to hang out with and Sascha said, "Tesla we're going to have the best punk house Asheville has ever seen". Now I remember why these kids who I don't know very well, and don't see very often, and haven't entirely opened up to yet are my favorite people in the world. I remember the reason why I decided to head South more than ever and it's worth fighting to make work and fall in love.

4:21

It's funny how I hadn't thought of you in awhile, and then I just realized that I wouldn't be house hunting with some other guy if you had stayed in my life. And I wouldn't be thinking about going to Richmond on New Years or have ever left the mid atlantic. It's funny that I spent any time sad at all back then because my life now is so much better than it would have been and we're not even compatible as people this many months later.

And in reality I'm just really excited about everything that last night brought me.

ahem

The pros and cons of being awkwardly incapable of having conversation with new friends but being independent enough to push myself into the situation to begin with and leave it feeling "okay".

tired

So very tired of feeling numb all of the time. I can't feel anything but neutrality. It's progressively become worse and worse since August, and with an exception of Fest week(end), it's never ending. Perpetual numbness. I'm having trouble with human contact because I can't get excited about anything, I want to be happy and have fun and get to know people and put myself out there- but the feelings never come. And when I do have a conversation with someone, I find myself having such trouble with what to say and just wanting it to be over. I don't even like the person I am and who they perceive in front of them. On the other hand, while I can register that I don't want to not be able to feel those things, I also can't feel sadness and I'm not in a bad mood. I'm not unhappy or unable to be happy, excited or content because I'm too far on the other side of the spectrum. I just feel completely blank, as I said in the beginning, everything is numb. There are no variations. I have one mood, one emotion. And it's completely apathetic and I don't want to be this way anymore and I don't know how to fix this.

It's affecting my friendships and relationships with people, my life and everything around me. And I'm scared it's only going to get worse while it stays cold and gets colder, and it leaves me wondering if being somewhere I don't know anyone is really the best choice. I'm just back to never knowing what the right decisions are. I don't want to be home either. I don't even know what home is anymore.

Maybe that's not totally true, it's just that home isn't tangible (anymore or has it never been?). It's not a thing or a place; it's a feeling. And if that's the case, home is summer. Home is warmth, wandering, music, smelly hugs and familiar faces. And right now home is a distant memory that is fading and maybe what I'm really feeling is desertion and I'm not sure how to function with out it, like a piece of myself left with it.

whole arm

It's realizing that I always feel better when I'm in some "different" situation, when I'm far away from...well, something. Whatever exactly it is that holds me back from feeling free.
It's realizing that I can travel a few more miles and hear adorable twangy southern accents.
It's realizing some of my favorite people are only a state line or two away rather than in an entire different region of the country.
That I could hop on another bus and be on your doorstep in 4 hours, rather than 14 hours.
It's friendly strangers and finding hope that feels nonexistent in the places I've been going "home" to the last few years.
It's remembering that nothing is too serious and to not hold back or get stressed out because things will work out however they're supposed to and even if they don't, hey you're gonna die some day so be happy today and not worry so much about the rest and enjoy everything for what it is.

737

I feel like it has to mean something. All of these never ending full circles, all of the coincidences that don't seem simply coincidental anymore. At least not in my life. You can believe whatever you want about fate and all, and I do believe some people's lives prove to only depend on fact but mine doesn't. There are too many signs daily that everything falls into random place for me. And then there's simple facts that I can feel something unexplainable, and know there's a reason for it but at the time I'm completely incapable of explaining it or seeing the reason, and then eventually it shows it's face. Like how the moment I saw him I knew there was something special about him and that night and my life, and now when I feel so disconnected from the things I once loved so much, and direction in my life and different desires, all it takes is hearing a certain voice, seeing pictures from certain times and certain faces that help me to remember, and things feel better and it all rushes back when I thought it was lost forever. How someone who's less than an acquaintance to me could be able to keep me grounded is so far past my comprehension I won't even try.

---

Tthere's always the chance Asheville doesn't end up being "right" or I don't find somewhere to move in, and I choose an entirely new route. But as for now, for the first time in months I have an actual plan. I've thrown ideas around, and gone back and forth with ideas but in reality if there was a chance to pick up and leave again, I took it instead.

but for now, I have this:
November 23rd-27th: Wilmington, DE
November 27th~28th: greyhound; Wilmington, DE to Richmond, VA to Charlotte, NC to Asheville, NC
November 28th-December 8th: Asheville, NC
December 8th: greyhound; Asheville to Charlotte, NC~Flight to Ontario, California
December 9th-27th: California
December 27th: Flight to Philadelphia, PA

~December 28th, moving into my house in Asheville.
(rent small moving truck, pack things, drive 9 hours from Middletown, Delaware to Asheville, North Carolina)

Thinking about finding somewhere fun to spend New Years though.

Constant state of wandering, even when I'm attempting to settle down.

Asheville

I'm moving in just a few days.

And this mindset is all wrong and I'm scared of being there and not falling back in love with my own life.
But I think of home, and moving to Philly doesn't feel right either. At least not right now, not anymore.

I have just as much to gain and lose in both scenarios. So I suppose it's better to try out the one I haven't before and see how it goes.

There's also a state two more lengths away that has been on my mind too. I know my reasons for going right now would be wrong, but it's a nice back up plan. I can never understand the words "it must be nice to be able to just up and leave" because really, if you want to, nothing should be capable of holding you back. Never ever let yourself stay anywhere you don't want to be. There is always something better. And that's what I'm searching for. I just have to not let myself back out too soon or lose hope if it doesn't play out exactly the way I see it in my head.

&

you'll become the one I never even knew I was looking for.

------

And you'll become the one I never planned on leaving/letting leave my side, but if it that's what happens (and I really think that's what's going to happen) just know that you pushed me away.

--4

I will always some how disappoint people with out being aware I'm doing anything "wrong". Yet I'm never confronted about it, so how can I fix something I'm entirely unaware of?

What I do know is that walking through my neighborhood with frozen fingers and pink cheeks, I found my answer. And I'm back to being comfortable with completely starting my life over for the millionth time. Maybe even more than ever. Fittingly enough, the only thing holding me back from leaving as soon as tomorrow is waiting around for some words from someone I'll be closer to when I'm gone.

"I don't wanna go to Brooklyn."

I rely too heavily on the idea that when something is stressing me out (making a choice, deciding on one option, figuring out "the plan"), that if I just let it go and out of my hands it'll come together on it's own.

But hey, circles?

I can't think about anything without feeling sick because I don't know what the right choice is. So I'm crossing my fingers and shutting my eyes tight and hoping it lays itself out in plain sight for me to see when I peak through my fingers.

03.

I just want to feel the same way I did all summer.
Inexipicitbly and perpetually happy.
So in love with the people I call my best friends. So excited to wake up and do something, no matter what it was, every day.

But now every day I'm just really tired and uninspired and everything takes a lot of energy, even basic conversation.

And now the day to leave inches closer and closer and I feel like I'm leaving everything else on mediocre terms and I'm not sure where that'll leave us and our futures. It's definitely the right decision, to go; but it's the newest beginning I've seen in 4 years. And of course with that will come some form of hesitation, even if it's miniscule.

I hate that the only consistency I know is the inevitable up and down course my life takes. The only consistency I have is the knowledge that nothing stays consistent.

Waiting and passing time.

The last two days (and hopefully today!) I've been miraculously in a better place. And by that, I suppose I mean just feeling the ability to be fine..I feel O.K. Maybe Fest really did affect me that much and now the post-Fest depression is finally starting to fade, maybe it's that my Asheville plan actually having come together in my head and being realistic, I'm not really sure. But whatever it is I'll take it. Although my other thought is that it's been slightly warm out those past two days and if the weather can really affect my mood that drastically, then I'm in trouble. The sick to my stomach, stressed, feeling like I'm forgetting to do something feeling still randomly sneaks up on me, but less frequently. It's honestly one of the weirdest things I've managed to do to myself yet and I wish it was something I could describe. But it's like my new constant state and I don't know where it's stemming from, or how I'd explain the feeling without knowing the cause.

Last night I went with Melissa to an elementary school she had to volunteer at. We had to watch the children of parent's attending the PTA meeting and we took the ones who wanted to play into the gym. We played an intense game of dodge ball, duck duck goose, on scooters (and I ended up having to pull everyone around for much of the time) and I was lucky enough to play ball with an adorable three year old named Madi Marie. The night made me realize something pretty huge, and that's how therapeutic it felt to me. Anytime I've been referred to as shy, or quiet or any of the like- they're wrong. I'm not shy. I'm not quiet. I have plenty to say, I have no problem doing what I want to do, being independent, saying what's on my mind. But I do have horrible social anxieties in some situations, and it's so difficult to push myself into any of those situations (because it physically makes me feel sick) that I have never, in the 20+ years I've been alive, done anything to try and change the way I am. Because I do function with it, but I do hold back because of it. I've gotten used to and accepted it, but last night just made me realize that it's possible to help myself. It's possible to change the way I've always been and work on it. And as crazy as it would seem to other people, something as simple as duck duck goose can be outrageously difficult for me internally. But working with kids, forced me to push myself through it and act like I was fine. Also it was just fun and different in general and basically I think I have a new interest to pursue, and it's even better that I think it's something that can help me as well.

The idea of doing things with myself here just aren't there. But once I move, the ideas become so much more real. Involvement, that's what my winter is going to be about. I plan on taking the first job that comes to me but continuing to look for something I'll hopefully actually enjoy (namely some kind of vegan establishment or cafe). I've already gotten ahold of the contact info for the Asheville Food Not Bombs chapter, found out you can volunteer at the co-op weekly and recieve 15% of your purchases, I plan on looking up how to volunteer at a local Boys and Girls Club or YMCA and I'm sure when I'm actually there more ideas will come to mind. I'm excited about doing or participating in something for the first time in a long time.

I spent a few nights in Middletown, and I packed up absolutely everything I own. For the first time, I think I'm serious. I needed a way to be, and found it, excited for my future. A point, a reason, a plan.
After volunteering last night Brett came over to Melissa's too and we had a typical taco night and laughed some and I felt alright.

My hope is back and I just need to sell my car, and leave.

02.

The amount I have to say seems to lessen as the air around me grows colder and I want to stay inside, keep to myself and push everything away. It already feels too much like winter and all I want is sunshine. Laying in the grass of some random state in my shorts and no shoes, but right now I have to figure out how to start a whole new life without blocking out the rest of the world instead like I would normally do when it gets cold. I'm absolutely terrified to go somewhere new, alone while it's cold. I need to be completely happy and content to make it work, and it's going to take so much effort to be in that place when I'm walking through a new city unable to feel my fingers and toes. I need someone, and I know who I want it to be. I hate that I feel like I need someone there to make it worth it. Someone to fill me with a little happiness. I've always said you don't find happiness in the forms of someone else, and if you do, then it's always going to suck when you're alone. But it's different with him. I don't want him to be my happiness, I just feel like I'll be so much more capable of this all if he's in my life. I put my heart in the mail, we'll see where things go.

But this fact is in general too. Not necessarily that I need someone, but just that I feel like if and when I do, there's an empty space where they belong. There's a difference between listening and genuinely caring. I've recently realized there's no one I completely trust. I don't trust that anyone I know wouldn't do something to benefit themselves regardless of if it's effect on me negatively. Even the people that are supposed to be closest to me are feeling strange and I don't like it at all, they're there but only to a certain extent. I'm falling apart and they're uninterested. There's this wall that goes up between us from time to time and I don't know how to break it down, other than just waiting for it to happen on it's own. It hurts my head.

As it goes every winter, I just want to cut myself off from everything and everyone. But this time it's different, this time it's time to leave and not just temporarily. I need to say goodbye to the mid atlantic and these people who make my heart hurt for quite some time. And if this really is home, then I'll be back. But for now it doesn't really feel like mine anymore and I'm going to search for that sense of home I remember so distantly; no matter how lonely and cold it gets. It's the only solution left I can think of to get this constant sick to my stomach state to fade.

01.

I'm sick and not mentally where I want to be at mentally at all.
All I want is to start something new and getting there feels like it's going to take so much. Not that I have a problem with working for what I want, I just have to find the energy. I know I shouldn't feel this way, but I feel very alone and I'm having trouble seeing a point in anything anyone does about anything ever.

I need to find a point to my life (or living in general?). I know that sounds horrible, but it's an overwhelming feeling I'm having trouble shaking. I know what it's like to feel the opposite of this, and I just need a reason to love my life again. And I think that reason is 500 miles in any other direction. Just not here.

I also keep questioning whether these (other kinds of) feelings are real. A few months ago I thought I was sure that I would never feel butterflies for someone again. Then in the last few weeks I proved myself wrong. I remembered what it's like to just want to spend so much time with someone and just feel crazy at the idea of seeing them. But you're 750 miles away and this is probably impossible and unrequited. But all I know is our time spent together ended far too fast and now just hearing your band is enough for me to know I want you around. Funny how some simple handwriting and words can change so much. I'm trying not to wonder where you are.

Nine

We left Florida at midnight Sunday night/Monday morning for the million hour drive home, and now that we're back it almost feels as if I dreamed the entire weekend; like it never even happened. It's honestly almost easier that way than accepting that it's over and I won't see those people or be in a Fest atmosphere for months and months from now. The post-fest depression keeps coming and going today, the drive home was really rough. There's really just so many emotions flying around that it's hard to talk about any of it, and it's worse than usual leaving the places and people where you feel most at home, how little or well you know them, and going back to "real life" and not even having a life to go back to. I've been talking about moving and figuring things out for awhile now but there's been time and things to do to keep putting it off. But for the first time I really don't have anywhere to go, any plans for months, etc. The easiest option would just be getting my money together, moving to Philly and getting a job and continuing on with the life I know now. But after being thrown back in with the life I feel at Fest (or any fest) I'm not so sure it's what I want or the decision I'm going to make. While I was in California I wanted nothing more than to come home, because home is better than there. But traveling and being gone and in places I enjoy myself remind me that there are places that are better than home, and that home is always going to be there. I feel like I need to go experience something new, especially now when I have no plans, obligations, responsibilities. And if it doesn't work out I can always retreat back to Philadelphia. But for now, I think it's better to just...leave.

Fest was absolutely amazing. It completely exceeded my expectations. Melissa, Brett, Sabrina and I got in my car Wednesday morning at 3 am after 2 hours of sleep and headed for Asheville. I was so, so tired but the drive took about 9 hours and was filled with a million bathroom stops, singalongs, coffee and random grocery stores with Daiya for $1.99. We got to Asheville around 2:30 pm and went on college visit around Warren Wilson. It's definitely in the back of my mind if I ever decide to go back, but Asheville in general is more on my mind than anything. We went on the tour, checked on their free store and then went into the city to get lunch/dinner at Rosetta's. We got back in the car around 6 and continued on to Atlanta, listening to Delilah. It took longer than expected, but we eventually made it there and got to Wonderoot and still saw Iron Chic and The Wild's set (and Dakota and KT and Dave and Kara and Mitch and Anthony and Diana and met Witt, Steve, etc). We were all so tired and delusional and having left home less than 24 hours before and suddenly being around so many great faces was all just so much. Melissa and Sabrina slept in my car and Dakota invited us to go get vegan chinese. It was like 3 am and I had been awake for such a long time but I really wanted to hang out and figured why not just keep going, so we did. The food was so good and it was interesting hanging out with so many people I didn't know. Everything is better far from home. "Too much" Around 4 am be got back to the "Frat Cave" and Johnny was nice enough to let us all bombard his room. Melissa and I shared the twin mattress and I probably fell asleep faster than I ever have.
She woke me up around 11 and we got ready and since Dakota was gone we figured we should go find food somewhere or something. (They had actually left to go get things for burritos for everyone! I felt so bad when I found out.) We drove around Atlanta for while and eventually ended up close to where we started at Village Pizza. Awesome vegan pizza. So much swampy. Caribou coffee. Awesome ATL graffiti. We decided not to back track to Athens, so I called Dakota and got the address for their show in Valdosta and slowly headed that way. We spent a year in Wal Mart "getting ready" like we have a million times before, and getting an oil change. I got bit by an ant (because for some reason this only happens to me in the south and I'm allergic or SOMETHING to the black ants there..?) and eventually we got to southern GA. The show was small, but I had a good time. Joe told me to move to Berea, and we all sat outside talking for awhile. The Wild is always fun, and Chicken Little was adorable. We decided just to drive the rest of the way to Gainesville that night and attempt to get an early check out at our hotel (ha!). So we said goodbye and we got into town around 3 am....and slept in my car in the parking lot.
Friday morning we didn't sleep in much because it got hot in the car, it was loud and bright outside. We ending up staking out in the parking lot for a few hours. Sitting in the sun on the asphalt, listening to music and sewing. Eventually we were able to check into our room and we got ready and went to get our wrist bands, then we drove down the street to this cute book store with a vegan cafe. I got a hummus wrap and Melissa got a Tempeh reuben sandwich and then we went back to the hotel to nap. We got back up around 8 pm, walked around Gainesville for awhile and then ran into Vicky!!!!!! Then we met Gary, Mariya and Miles and hung out for a bit. I saw like 3 songs of the Wild's set and eventually we walked down to Mikey Erg. I'm pretty sure Melissa and me were much more drunk that we realized. His set was so awesome, and afterwards we packed about 9 people in my car, eventually it dwindeld down to just 6 and we went to a warehouse/generator show a few miles away. I'm so glad we got to hang out with Vicky and Gary as much as we did this weekend. I can't wait to go visit them in Boston, they're some of my favorite people. We saw Grown Ups and Algernon and no matter that the sound was absolutely horrible, it was still a good time. We didn't get back to the hotel til close to 5 am.

We got a few hours of sleep and got ready for the longest day yet/of Fest. I left without Melissa and Brett because I wanted to get to Iron Chic. I met up with Dakota and Anthony in line, which ruled because I probably wouldn't have gotten in otherwise. Dakota's another person I got to hang out with a lot more than I expected and I'm really happy about that. Iron Chic was great in Atlanta, but they kind of blew my mind at Fest. SO GOOD. After their set, I hung out with Chrystina and Cody for a bit and waiting in line at 8 seconds with them for Dear Landlord, Paul Baribeau, Good Luck and Defiance, Ohio. Melissa met me inside and I sang a long to Paul, Good Luck was fun as always and I danced everything way to Defiance. Those sets weren't as AMAZING as last year, mostly because I thought the crowd was way too big and I didn't feel like dying in the front, but it was still fun as usual. After that we went out to a Pasta dinner and talked about how we were already so sad tomorrow was the last day. I felt like I was going to be sick. We went to the Max Levine Ensemble, and then I walked over to Toby and Theo with Dakota and his friend who's name I can't remember for the life of me. Theo's set was another one that stood out a lot for me. I'm surprised my arm isn't bruised from how hard I was gripping it during Blackbox. The crowd did the "daaaaa da da da daaaa"'s like in the pink couch sessions version of the song and I can't explain how much it meant. Vicky and Gary told me to move to Boston and Alexis told me I'm moving to Kentucky. I want to cry just thinking about much I like these friends best. Toby, Theo and Ryan played a bunch of songs together too and the last song they played, a new Toby Foster song, was seriously overwhelming. After those sets, we sat outside of Reggae Shack for awhile while Brett did sketchy shit and went back to the hotel for a few hours. Around 1:30 am we headed back downtown, picked up Gary, Vicky and Alexis and went to another warehouse/generator show. Saw Paint It Black, and the cops came. We ended up at Checkers after driving around looking for food for awhile. Gary and I found out we grew up in the same part of California and have mutual friends- so weird. We got in around 5 am again and got a few hours of sleep before checking out.
We cleaned and got ready, regretfully checked out and went to see the Dopamines. After their set Melissa and I went to get Burritos and cried about leaving. We saw Steve from the Sidekicks play solo and then went to the Venue for Lemuria and the Menzingers. I really don't like Lemuria live. However, I'm pretty sure the Menzingers was my favorite set of the weekend. We stayed out of the crowd, screaming along until they played Sunday Morning and then ran out in the crowd. Someone suddenly picked my up from behind and threw me up in the air and I got to crowd surf; it was perfect. After their set Melissa and I ran some errands and then I went to Eric Ayotte. "Festin'!" After his set, I decided not to stay for David Dondero because I was feeling ridiculously low knowing goodbyes were coming soon. I walked to Dakota to the Venue and said bye to him. I walked down the street and sat alone for awhile feeling a little overwhelmed. Eventually I met up with Melissa and Brett and we walked around for a bit, eventually ending up with Vicky, Gary, Alexis and the like. We sat around a parking lot for a bit before saying bye. I wasn't letting myself acknowledge what goodbye meant though. We waited around to see if the show I heard about at the Holiday Inn was going on, but it didn't happen. So around midnight we met back up with Sabrina and Kiko and headed home.
We drove through the night, listening to ghost stories on the radio, everyone sleeping and me crying and hallucinating, eventually the sun started to come up and I had Melissa drive for a few hours. We napped at a rest area for a few hours and continued on. The drive went by surprisingly fast, and later that afternoon we got vegan chinese in Richmond. Honestly probably the best vegan chinese I've had....ever. We finally got back to Delaware almost 24 hours later and it was so, so cold.

As I said before Fest exceeded my expectations. I actually really enjoy not getting too excited/not having high expectations because whenever I don't, I'm always sosososo pleasantly surprised. So many 420's, speaking spanish all weekend and laughing until I cry, tigers jaw cover bands, favorite bands, brett always being sneaking and hating him for it, haunted hotel rooms, Theo's southern accent?, the clogged toilet, "bags", constant state of puke, fucking the system (my car..), developing a ridiculous crush and remembering what that's like, Art and Delilah, AYUDA!!! NO PUEDO!, the drunk guys that got in my car, the girl in the squat that got SO mad and so much that I'm leaving out or forgetting.

It's going to be a long time before I'm that happy again. I miss everthing and everybody so much.

And now what?

and on and on and on and on

I wasn't sure if I should wait to write about this entire trip until I got home, but I'm feeling so overwhelmed in so many ways (and have some time to kill while Melissa and Brett nap, before a secret Paint It Black show at 2 am) that I suppose I'll attempt to start now.

It's inevitable that if I don't let myself have expectations, they're always exceeded. Fest has been absolutely great. Great to the point where we still have so much fun to have tonight and all day tomorrow, but I feel sick just thinking about leaving. I haven't been quite so physically exhausted in some time but it's worth it. There's nothing I love more than how days are spent places like this, to quote Melissa, "I just keep thinking 'I wish this was real life'". Every day, forever. There is no where I feel more at home, no people that mean more, no where I'm more accepted and wanted. These familiar faces that I don't get to see often enough, dancing around to my favorite bands and sitting in the sun. It's absolutely disappointing to go back home, knowing the people you want in your life, the people you've met that are worth knowing, are so far away and there's nothing you can do about it, until the next time. But at least there's a next time, and if ever there's not, if this ever ends, I truly believe I'd be losing the one thing that means the most to me and there would be nothing to still want to live for. I go away for a week at a time, and get to spend time wandering around with the best people I know; friends from Boston, Atlanta, Lexington, etc and I wonder why everyone doesn't just get it.

I go home, and I have some attachments there, but I understand why it feels so distant now. I get it, and the old friends don't. But every once in awhile I get to be somewhere where I'm surrounded by the ones that do and it's worth everything it takes out of you, or you put in. And the idea of leaving it honestly becomes painful. But I'm grateful it all exists.

232

Of course just a few hours later, things take a drastic turn. Melissa and Brett drove back to Philly, and picked me up around 8:30 we basically loitered outside the show at the Dollhouse and went to the show a few blocks East that Dennis put on. We had to leave before Menzingers but saw The Measure [SA] and a few of Glocca Morra's set and it was still nice to be out, laughing with my best friends (and realizing for the millionth time how embarrassing we are/why we only hang out with each other; "B-I-N-G-O") and not feeling awkward, standing around different sweaty houses (and lovin' that familiar crust smell). I like my city, I'll be okay. I also feel like I live here again already, it's funny to go home to an empty house and cook for myself and go sit on my bed and eat it. Although I was basically terrified the entire time I was alone, which proves my theory that I couldn't live alone even when I think about it or if I really wanted to; unless I had 8 or more locks on my door, and no windows.

I'm going to get coffee with Stace later, then tomorrow I'm going to talk to Liz about moving in their place/checking it out, applying at the school district and going down to Delaware to start preparing to leave Tuesday. I CAN'T BELIEVE FEST IS FINALLY HERE.

What it is, is that,

I need something new. The old is good enough, but going back to the "same old thing" just leaves a space empty for something.
Too many emotions, all of the time.

23

Last Night was Tigers Jaw at The Fire. I went and met up ("surprised") Melissa, Brett, Joanna, Zoe, Ashley, Casey and Chris. Nora was there, that was exciting. As was Mitch- someone I met at Crucial Fun. I also Met Hunter and saw/said hi to DJ, Vinny and Adam. As horrible as it could sound, it's nice to be somewhere people know me again. I don't feel like I need to be a center of attention or known or anything like that, it's just nice. I guess it's what makes home feel more like home.

Stacy and I also went to Grindcore house yesterday (an all vegan cafe/coffe house), I have a feeling I'm going to spend a lot of my winter here. (I'm here right now, it's so awesome to be able to have somewhere to go, get a vegan chai latte, use their wifi, write and read all while Fugazi or Doomriders is playing over the speakers.

After the show, there was about a hundred parties going on and Brett, Melissa and I couldn't decide what to do for the life of us. We ended up getting dropped off in West Philly and when it came down to it we stood around talking to Steph and Brie for about an hour outside Pilam, freezing. Then walked the rest of the way to 49th and Baltimore, got tofu from Lucky's and spent the night at Melissa's sister & her boyfriend's apartment. The ground we slept on was like concrete, but I think I love that after all the random places we've slept and traveled over summer..I think we could fall asleep anywhere and I was just really happy to be warm.

I have the worst blisters in the world on my feet right now, my legs are actually sore from biking all over the place (speaking of which..I need to get all the way to Trader Joe's to see if it still exists) and my knee is ridiculous swollen, I have no idea why. I'm back at Chrystina's in South Philly now and I'm not quite sure I have it in me to walk anywhere else today. Mostly because I think my feet will start bleeding or just fall off. There's about another 100 shows/parties again tonight, but all the plans kind of fell apart. Mostly because I'm feeling a little down, I shouldn't be, but I'm not even going to complain about it because I'm waiting for it to pass. That stupid perpetual searching for something more feeling. Never content. I hate the cold.

21

Wednesday night after no sleep and 12 hours of traveling (+3 hours added onto the clock) later, I found myself wandering around the too familiar Suburban Station in Center City Philadelphia. The overwhelming stench of urine has either gotten worse or after 2 months of fresh air I was just that unadapted to something that's been so familiar to me the past 4 years. I won't lie, I teared up a little when we came flying over the skyline and I knew I was in the place I love most again. It's not an overwheming excited or strange feeling to be home, because the little things that make it exciting are the little things. It's also more so just plain overwhelming. After laying around my mom's house for 6 weeks, it's like having to readapt to my life. To feel and remember my life and never having to let anyone know what I'm doing and being completely on my own, all that became foreign. To readjust to having the people I love most around and live in this constant state of hanging out. "Hanging out is what we do best."

I've been (and will be until the night before leaving for Fest) "squating" in Chrystina's mostly empty house on 29th and Wharton. I've got my own room and free reign and it's so nice to feel like I'm living in the city again. Last night we walked back from the train station, it was so cold. We made Pb&js, watched Law&order on a make shift couch and I passed out around 10 completely exhausted. I slept until one this afternoon and then headed to center city. Despite my "working out" and running a mile every night while in California, the massive amount of walking I do in the city takes just as much readapting to as everything else. I'm not complaining though, it's one of the things I love most; constantly roaming and wandering around. I walked the 40 minutes from Chrystina's to Rittenhouse and got coffee and used the internet at Barnes and Noble while I waited for Stacy to get out of class. I met up with her and we walked to South Street and got vegan Pizza at Blackbird. Walking in a first I missed Gianna's and the millions of old show flyers that lined the wall (the Philly-ness it had), but sitting in there eating our huge slices I decided it's really awesome to have a new all vegan pizzeria/a new vegan place in general in Philly. Stacy paid for everything as a welcome home gift (which has to seem a lot longer of a time I was gone to her because we haven't hung out since JUNE, but thankfully things will always be great between us and we're back and better than ever and I'm so excited to hang out all the time again) and we walked around for awhile afterwards. It's also taking me getting used to being in the city and seeing people I know everywhere again. It's strange how used to constantly being alone/not knowing anyone anywhere I became. Since she got a new bike, and had her old, extra one sitting in the closet at her apartment she's letting me borrow it for the rest of the time I'm here since I'm staying so far south! And then until I get the money from my car and can buy myself something good. Biking through the city was harder than it looks, not because of cars and what not but because it's totally a work out! The hill on 21st and Market was almost the death of me. But I think I'll soon fall in love with it. The tires could also use some air, I think that would make my situation a lot better itself. Just before parting with Stace we ran into Chrystina and Dylan by Logan Fountain so I hung out with them there for awhile and eventually Chrystina and I biked back to her place. She made food and we listened to the Ergs! and I read both the Fall and Winter series of Mouse Guard. IT IS SO GOOD. All the other comics/graphic novels I've read up until now have been about humans and well, life. So I was skeptical of mice from 1152 fighting off the bad guys, but now I'm going to have to totally give super hero type comics and the like another chance. Chrystina's stacked a whole bunch of other zines and things in "my room" too, which is so awesome.

It's really nice to have a life again, I'm even more excited for tomorrow than anything. I'm waking up and biking to apply for some jobs, meeting up with Chrystina and going to get vegan noms from Grindcore House, reading in the park until Stacy gets out of work and then getting more coffee with her until 4, biking back to the house and dropping off the bike and heading to North Philly to see Tigers Jaw AND MY BEST FRIENDS. Brett and Joanna have found out I'm home (Brett knew because he dreamed about it....freak) and I'm (hopefully) surpring Melissa! I think if anything actually makes me realize I'm home and for it to hit me, it'll be seeing them AS WELL AS GOING TO THE FIRST SHOW I'VE BEEN TO SINCE AUGUST. And if it does hit me, I might start crying while hugging the very closest friends to my heart.

I'm so excited for everything right now. LIFE. I think I've found a place to live, and all I need is for a job to fall into place. The rest of the weekend is going to rule and the Fest trip is so soon and I won't even get into how amazing that plan is right now.

It's almost 4 am and my alarm is set for 9, the whole sleeping 15 hours last night thing is fucking me up. But I can't fall asleep for anything. Oh well, not being able to sleep at least got me a cute text from the person I wanted a cute text from.

"Is it impossible, friend? Is it only a dream to find truth in the visions you see? Or to believe the love that I'm waiting for is somewhere waiting for me? Well maybe the way to get what you want is to stop waiting for it to show up."

most

ridiculous crushes, going home and the weird new feeling of talking myself out of things/calming myself down and out of this perpetual feeling of puking and stress.

i can last a little longer, only because I know i only have a little longer to last.
and although it doesn't feel like it'll end by going back to my life, it will.

But

I forget that I'm not that person anymore, and I've just gotten way too used to being alone and I'm going to go home and cry when I see all my friends again and live my life again and it's going to be GREAT.

am

On the bright side, my expectations are always exceeded because they're so low to begin with.

003.

I want to go home.
I want to be home and available for my best friend when she needs me. It kills me that I'm here instead.
I want to go back to MY life that I am fully capable of living on my own, taking care of myself and not having to explain my reasoning for any actions, talking about what I'm going to do or having to tell anyone my plans. Let me be twenty. I've been on my own for long enough now to know how to be.
I want to not feel like I'm going to throw up over stupid social anxieties where I worry and stress myself over potential friendships and friendships with people I haven't even met yet. This is nothing new, but I feel so sick thinking about all the friendships and relationships I am going to ruin and continue to ruin because I can't control how I'm going to act in any given situation. I can't speak, I can't give people the chance to get to know me, I can't be lively and interesting. I have no control over it.
I want to not feel like I'm going to throw up over developing a crush on someone through their hand writing, and knowing that I will more than likely blow it and not even end up good friends with this person.
The idea of going home and going to Fest and living my life again are supposed to be good thoughts, happy thoughts. But instead all I can think about is how disappointed I'm going to be in myself when I see everyone I want to get to know hanging out and not being able to be a part of it. I feel so sick to my stomach over it.
I want to feel like my life is going somewhere and even if it doesn't that I did everything I wanted to do and had the time of my life and made a difference and lived out everything I was supposed to.

I just want to go home. My home.
I'm here in my mother's house with my family, but this isn't my home.
My home is on the city streets with my best friends.
They are my family and the mid-atlantic is my home.

I don't want to feel lost. I want to feel free and weightless again.

one thing

I've always said the only thing that truly matters to me is being a good friend. I feel like as all people change (hopefully for the better) and grow up, the things you care about are going to become more and more apparent through your personality and actions as youthful selfishness disappears. Unfortunately some people are always going to be selfish, but hopefully the ones with good hearts and intentions eventually shine through and realize what's right and important. I feel like every day the past few years, I've realized little by little more and more what's really important and who I want to be as a person and how exactly to BE that person and show it. Especially in this past year, even more specifically the past 6 months, I've become much more capable of showing how much I care and really understood just how much being a good friend matters to me.

In the past few days I've had a handful of people come to me and tell me that I am one of the few people they actually trust in their lives, who they can rely on. (One of these people, most importantly, was my very best friend. She confined in me that I am one of 3 people she trusts in the world and knows would actually be there for her, anytime. The other two people being her very own mom and sister. Yes, you should always be able to trust your best friend. But it's amazing what two unrelated people can mean to each other when it becomes a whole different level of trust.)

It's these people that have made me realize that at the very least, I've been successful at being a good friend and person.
And that's all I've ever wanted. And if that's all I ever really, truly accomplish, that's fine by me.

Also, I laid in the sun outside for a few hours today. It’s been warm again, in the 80s. I’m determined to stay as tan as I can until I go home and am forced to live the reality of what season it actually is, and inevitably have to let go of summer. However, lying there I got really sweaty and smelly and the scent reminded me of summer. Feeling free, laying in various grass fields in various states, no cares. And I missed summer. And I miss it probably more than I have ever missed another memory.

Those days feeling like you’re from another planet. Disconnected from everyone that doesn’t get it.

002.

I can always feel when one is coming and one is going.
When one is ending and one is starting over.

It's always the two of you and it'll always be the two of you.
I don't really have the say in the matter, so it's hard to say how I feel.
It wasn't that long ago that I realized the pattern, and I just don't think it's something anyone can help.

Also, this is what my life has become.


I received a really nice letter and mix cd in the mail from Dakota yesterday.
I've written him back probably the longest letter I've ever written anyone.

I fly home in about two weeks, the place that is. Because once again I am "homeless" (in the idea that home is a house) and couch crashing. But if that's what it takes to feel free, then I'll choose it forever.
I'm selling my car after Fest, then once I have that money I'll decide where to go. I'm choosing wherever is easiest (being stress free) and falls into place. Because if my live has proven or taught me anything it is ALWAYS to choose that option. Because it will always happen. "Everything will always falling right into place."

Better than this.

"WE MUST LEARN TO LET GO OF WHAT HURTS, OR INSIDE IT BURNS AND BURNS"

Hey, "Everything will be ok. Everything will always be ok."

001.

Constant mixed feelings.
Free and alone.
Summertime, wintertime, the same time, all the time.

Thunder in a place it doesn't thunder, old friends, too many card games (too much beer).

Whole.

Moving into an apartment in Philly in November after Fest/Florida. Finally back to my city. Finally home.

For now at least.

I'm excited to spend christmas-time around the city.
Walking through snow storms with Stace, the decorated city and baking vegan Christmas cookies.

--
You were in my dreams again last night. I'm not sure why you pop up every so often. Especially when you weren't even on my mind as I was falling asleep, infact someone else was entirely. This one was different than usual, it was nice. I think it's my fear of rejection, the fear that comes from how right the dreams feel.

Some things are always relevant.

"My songs about contentment so far always end in verbs. Like 'drive', or 'run', or go to sleep, the damage has been done."

1m

I locked myself in the bathroom at my mom's house today, because it was the only place I could be alone here since I lack a bedroom. I felt like I needed to cry or throw up, and I wasn't leaving that room again until one or the other happened. Before I knew it my face was soaking wet. I couldn't place what this sick to my stomach feeling was, and then I realized it's homesickess. Very real homesickness that I haven't actually felt to this extreme since I was 8 years old, leaving for summer camp and the bus drove away before I got to say bye to my mom.

It can't get any worse right? I just feel lost, once again. I am lacking any sort of plan and I need one. For once I'm feeling this desperate desire to be the self suffieceint twenty year old I am and do some growing up. This doesn't mean giving anything I love up, just starting to figure things out instead of always putting it off. I'm sure I'm capable of doing that AND feigning responsibility at the same time, if anyone ever was. I'm full of ideas, but at a total loss as to how to put anything into action.


I just want to come home. Albeit I'll leave again shortly there after, but in such a different way and setting. Being in California never brings me any good. I should of known better than to leave in the first place. My instincts always tell me what's right and what's not, and I went against them because getting out of my grandma's house was right too. I will never go back there. Maybe this was right, (to get me out of a shitty house, to make me realize things) but I'd liked to have spared myself feeling like this.

the city tries to take it away

i need to get back to the point where nothing anyone says or does can faze me. where nothing makes me feel awkward because i just don't care. everything is way more fun and easier then. rather than the times when i'm not at the point and i feel totally weird and uncomfortable in my own skin in so many situations.

i blame you.

Home.

I left 28 days ago, 29 in a few short hours.
This is the longest I've ever been away from the East Coast since I moved there over 4 years ago now.

Home is not the place where you're from. Not even slightly.

11/01

I think one of the most comforting things in the world is talking to a friend who has known you since you were 11 years old. A friend you've had for 9 years. A friend that's absolutely nothing like you, and hasn't been for quite some time. A friend that you talk to maybe once every three months now, and even then it's rarely more than a simple checking in. But it never changes. You still feel like you know the other just as well as you always have. And despite all your differences in opinions, choices, lifestyles and interests, for some strange reason there's still something there that clicks between the two of you. Some unexplained connection that allows two people that are as close to polar opposite you can get to understand one another and never lose that ability and bond.

From jumping on your trampoline and looking for ufos at 11 years old, to summers after 8th grade sitting in the car that would one day be yours late at night listening to some top 40 radio station, to naps on your couch after school and to too many nights laying on your kitchen floor talking as the sun rose sophomore year, to suprise visits for my 16th birthday, to rides to the airport and getting drunk together for the first time at 18, to 20 year olds sending text messages always remembering each others birthday every year.. it's easy to see some things are forever.

As completely detached as I feel from most of my past, these are quite possibly my fondest memories from those years. 15 years old and spending every moment with you. Sitting on your kitchen counters, eating ramen. Playing jepoardy with your family and feeling at home. There's some nights I would give anything to go back.

In May of 2006 I wrote you a letter. I was scared you were going to be mad I was considering leaving you alone. I told you about my choices. You told me to go. To move to the east coast. You told me you loved me and you'd miss me but that it was where I needed to be. You are one of the biggest reasons I've lived the life I have the past 4+ years now. I don't think I ever thanked you. So.. thank you, Kellie. Thank you for letting me go see what it actually meant to be alive.

"Old friend, hold on."

I wonder if the

positivity in my words typed here is feigned or if I really believe what I'm saying.

&

I don't miss anything more than how much I miss my best friend. Her and Phialdelphia. We hang up the phone and I want to cry. I make veggie burgers alone and I want to cry. 3 am dinners just aren't the same by yourself. Every band we sing to in our city comes on and I want to cry.

But in the end, I'm just lucky I have friends as good as this. Who's absence (although, I guess I'm actually the one who's absent) truly affects me. Ones that mean THAT much, that aren't dispensible. Ones who's connections go so far past the simple definition of friendship.

Although I tear up quite often, and know where my heart is and that it's NOT here. Things will be good again. This is a waiting game.
And when they are good again, "good" isn't going to even come close to doing it justice. We'll laugh at the fact that we were ever miserable. Because we have so much more, and none of this will have mattered.
It'll get good. I promise.
I don't even know who I'm promising.
I promise myself, I promise you, I promise everyone we know.
We're so much more than this.
This is all so temporary.

No one else knows.


---------
That's all there is to anything. Los Angeles is quite possibly my least favorite place. I saw a friend from 4 years ago, I guess that was interesting. I think about fest, I read books, I'll be home (for an indefinite amount of time [this seems to be a repeating aspect in my life when I go anywhere now]) in a few more than 30 days.
I still need a job for the next 5ish weeks. Thinking about staying with family friends down in Redondo and working at the restaurant if my grandma would let me. We'll see.

Every Winter/unhappy

It was like something in the cold snuck up, and with a tight grip, snapped all the bones in her body in half. Tore her legs right off at the hips. And she’d spend the next 4 months healing; regrowing. Sometimes it wouldn’t hurt so bad, she was used to it. But it was only a matter of time until the medication wore off and once again she was left immobile, hopeless and helpless, vision blurred. “I’ll be ok..”, she’d whisper to the snow. And she was right, because she had lived those nights before and would again.

But then a winter came, and she could still walk. Her legs hadn’t detatched themselves and she didn’t feel so cold. She burst outside and stood still for a moment, experiencing new. A season she never had before; new feelings. Then she ran. Block after block, amazed at what her legs could carry.

She could still feel and talk and most of all, it wasn’t as dark; there were lights and things were clear.

The typical harsh, icy nights had a warmth to them.

That warmth was you. You were hope. A fiery and glorious hope that could carry such heavy hearts and years of ice.

What she had been needing to stay warm was a home. And you became that too. Somewhere that could hold the tiniest wisps of tender air between it’s walls. A place with a hint of heat blowing around. Nothing much. No, she didn’t need much.

Just somewhere new to lay her head, somewhere safe. Somewhere that told her the broken bones weren’t just delayed or late, but that they wouldn’t be bothering her this year. Not now, not here. This winter she could rest easy, painless, carefree. Let her guard down, not having to live in fear.

She smiled through blizzards. She trekked on through the storms. Your words on repeat dancing across her thoughts, “You’re so much warmer than you’ll ever know, my love.” Her legs could carry. Her body was weightless. Her legs would carry and she could walk through it all, even with a face bloody-red from vicious winds, hands frozen into fists, all the while still smiling. Wide grin partically glued to her face, looking through eyes at a world she never had before, all because she was light enough tp float. So floating, she drifted up with the breeze and spun around in circles with the white dust falling from the sky. And she was weightless in this way because of you. Because you were hope, you were home, you were heat. And you gave that heat to her, sent through the invisible connection between the two’s bones. And heat rises. So she floated around that winter. Floated in and out of your arms. Floated beneath your cover(s). But most important of all, she floated home. Then floated straight into those looks, those words. The soundtrack to her nights alone. Play, rewind, play, rewind. She believed in every noise mustered from behind your lips.

But then one night she became too reckless, and tripped. She fell right onto her legs, felt them buckle beneath her. Felt skin ripping away from skin. She felt that sharp, familiar sting that she would of sworn on anything was gone for good. But it wasn’t, and you were.

You were gone. You walked straight into the storm and disappeared. And in an instant it was cold again.

You were gone and she was cold enough on that single day to make up for the entire winter she missed.

But truthfully, it was starting to get warm and she knew that was the reason you left. With each degree the temperature outdoors grew, you grew further away from her reach.

So she limped through Spring. By then the sun had taken over, taken your place. And she grew a brand new pair of legs, just like every other year. But this time sturdier than ever before. Sturdier than the ones you broke. She hopped around, learning how to use her new and improved limbs. And when she was ready, she jumped into the air and grabbed onto as much of the summer heat as she could hold between her tiny fingers and toes. Enough to make up for the warmth she lost with you, the warmth you took back and the remaining warmth you stole. Enough so that next winter, if she starts to hear cracking under her skin, she’ll be safe. Safe alone. Safe and hopeful. Safe and warm.

Without you.

This is where I was born.

Too many feelings, not enough words.

0104

I still think about Arkansas once in awhile.

Days are so long.

"Don't let all the reasons why you're here become the same reasons why you don't stay."

always

"And we have what it takes, to keep it together, and move on."

Sometimes I start to feel very, very alone. I think I do that to myself though, with the life I choose to lead and the parts I can't help, like how I think, what I like, how I communicate. But even the times I feel totally alone, I know I'm not. I'm actually really lucky because I have so many people, in so many places that love me(even if they're not always showing it). I just have to remind myself. And if just one person I'd like in my life doesn't see that, it's not the end of the world either. Everything turns out how it should.

And infact, no matter how much I'm hating whats happening the past few weeks and what my life is going to consist of the next few weeks and months, I'm actually quite lucky that I'm miserable because I don't know it's like to feel this bored and alone. I have the most wonderful life where the dull moments don't even come close to adding up to the amazing experiences and at some point this will be over and I'll be back to living a more amazing life than I can comprehend and doing things other people only think about.

This will all come together in the end (circle) and it'll all be worth it.

However if I don't go to a show soon I'm probably just going to lose my mind for good. There's nothing that compares to the feeling of dancing around a basement to pop punk bands to me, nothing.

003.

The only thing capable of calming down all day was the 15 minutes I layed in the grass in the sun at the park, and talking to my best friend for a few minutes on facebook IM. I'm not sure if that has to do with my lack of human contact or what, but I'm thankful it made me feel a little less sick to my stomach.

I think the bulk of my problems lie within the fact that I just had the best summer of my life. And those feelings of having the world, abrubtly ended and the things I have to look forward to are awfully far away and there's nothing to occupy my mind in that time I'm stuck spending waiting, waiting, waiting. I'm better than feeling this way but I feel helpless. I'm going to work on it though. This isn't something I'm new to.

I think I miss the idea of you and not you, but my mind associates those things as you. I don't know why it's all rushing back now. I guess the warm air covered it up.

It's funny how quickly things change, and no matter how much I realize and say that, it's always still a surprise.

"Take all that you have and turn it into something you would miss, if somebody threw that brick, shattered all your plans."

I'm both my own best friend and worst enemy.
41 days until I'll be myself again, at least for a little while.

"Put your hands on me my love, while the world wakes up early and wastes the day working for money they dont need, to buy things they dont need. We'll sleep in, we'll do it again. It's the little things that we do that mean anything."

002.

I want to write about how I've spent the last few days feeling, but I don't have words for it.

I wake up earlier now, which I'm happy about. I make coffee, I spend sometime on the internet, I play music really really loud until my mom gets home. I read some, sit outside some, actually spend time on the meals I cook, go for a run and watch Law and Order at 9 pm and make some tea. Occasionally I text a friend, but then there's days like today where my phone goes completely unused. I'm really observant of the little things, and enjoy washing the dishes or folding the towels. I don't have the urge to talk to anyone and want to be alone. I'm not home sick, but I'm not happy to be here either.
I don't know what I expect from anything, anyone or from each day. I don't think I expect anything at all. I feel like I'm just going through the motions and that's all I feel. I don't feel anything really, and I don't know what to make of it.

It's one of those times where it feels like this is it. Like this is the way things are going to be. Like there's nothing to look forward to, or get excited about, but there's nothing to change and things just are however they are. I know this feeling never lasts, sooner or later I'm up to my ridiculous antics again and things are more exciting that I could ever possible give meaning to through words. But this time something just feels different.

I'm supposed to go to the South Bay this weekend and go out Friday night with Laura and Eva, then stay at Laura's. I hung out with Eva when I was here in the winter and we went out to lunch. Laura I haven't seen in over 4 years now. I don't anticipate it being awkward, those are some of my child hood best friends. I do however anticipate feeling very out of place, underdressed, different and unattractive.

001.

11 days ago, my best friend picked me and all my (definitely needed) belongings up, took me out for chinese, I hung out on Main St for a few hours and got to say bye to some frinends I wouldn't have otherwise. (Tyler almost made me cry.) Then we went back to Melissa's and stayed up way too late and lost our minds. Long story much, much shorter- she dropped me off at the Newark Septa station and I got on the 6:22 am R2, after an unexpectedly tearful goodbye. I'm learning goodbyes for trips with indefinite or undetermained lengths are strange.

After traveling solo for over 24 hours (trains to Philly, buses to DC, long walks resulting in blistered hands, attempted kidnappings, chats with business men, old men and the homeless, 4 greyhound buses and 4 hours spent at a station in Columbus, Ohio) I arrived in Lexington, Kentucky at 8 am Friday morning, where Carey picked me up. I really didn't expect to see Lex again this summer. There's something about Kentucky I just really love. I still think I may end up South at some point in my life, even if only for a little while. After a 3 hour nap at his house, we left for the drive to Seattle, Washington. The next 5 days were spent mostly in the car, just add in hanging out in Chicago, hotels, shitty motels, huge mountains, tourist traps, camping, six packs, cards, self loathing and awkward conversation.

We drove through Kentucky into Indiana to Chicago, through Wisconsin, Minnesota, South Dakota, Wyoming, Montana, Idaho and into Washington. The 3 previous to the latter were gorgeous and I (FINALLY) saw HUGE fields of sunflowers in SD.

I was king of irritated the entire trip with not feeling the way I typically do while traveling, but I guess I'm not used to being so uncomfortable while traveling. I don't know, I've put myself in some strange situations before and they've always turned out fine...and even when they were weird it still never affected me feeling so, soooo free. But maybe this time was just too awkward. Or the unimpressed, bored mood I was in the last few weeks at home has been too difficult to get out of. I'm starting to feel a little better now though. Either way, I'm not unhappy about my decision to go along because home didn't have much to offer for now and I think it needed to happen in order for the newest plans in my mind to be shaped and for it to all make sense.

I was in a small mountain town for 6 days. Sometimes I really enjoyed it, sometimes I wanted nothing more than to leave. But one thing was for sure, and its that being there made me think a lot. About things I want, why I do the things I do, what I care about. It also made me realize (for the millionth time) who really matters, and appreciate even more that I have good friends to call up and talk to on the phone. I haven't felt the urge to retreat entirely (although I know there'll be more and more things I miss out on at home) but I know I'll get homesick at somepoint, it's just easier not to now when I know that in the past few years, ESPECIALLY 2010, I've lived and seen and know more than some people ever will. I've really found my spot in the world and realized what's important to me. And although being away from home is going to make me miss out on some potentially awesome things..I'm a lot less concerned with the idea of missing out than I used to be. Life goes on and I live mine and I'll do amazing things wherever I am too, I'm sure. I think realizing all this is really just growing up and being able to watch myself change and well, grow up.

I flew down to California yesterday (although I grew to love that little cottage in the woods and the way of life that goes along with it, my plans needed to change), and as of now I'll be here until I fly home for Fest at the end of October. I think that weekend is going to be worth the wait. Being reunited with my best friend, driving to Florida, The Fest 9...then staying in Philly for a week or two to visit, selling my car and continuing on with my plans for the rest of the year/winter. I'm working while in California, it's going to be interesting to work and have a paycheck again. The idea of not doing much and saving money sounds really good, but we'll see how soon it gets old. However lately I really enjoy hanging out alone and enjoy little simple things. To know where it'll fade is totally in question, but for now I'm okay (with it) and I think I'll take the time alone to do everything I've wanted to do that I always seem to put on the back burner. Learn, learn, learn.

Other than that, the only other really monumental thing that's happened was a phone call from Andrew the other night. I was laying on the floor of the cottage talking on the phone to Brett and got another call, and was totally caught off guard when I saw his nae flashing on my phone. I answered, so confused, and he said, "Tesla?" and I reply, "Yeah???" and he just says, "I just want you to know I miss you a lot."
After not speaking to me for 2 months, I was beginning to believe our friendship was pretty much done for. I started crying and we talked for a few minutes. When I told him I thought he was never going to talk to me again he told me he could never do that and that I was always one of his best friends and "like my big sister". Drunk or not, no matter what changes, that phone call meant so much to me and I'm glad I still have my little brother. I texted Drew afterwards telling him about the call, and he told me he missed me too. No matter where I go, what changes, who we become and how we drift, there's those few certain people who will always have a huge piece of my heart. And I really never get sick of saying it.

Other than all of this, I got to explore a lot of Seattle, plan my year, see my family and I've spent the day reading Lolita and applying for jobs. I don't really know what to expect waking up every day (speaking of waking up- I've been having the weirdest dreams about someone I haven't talked to in months, lately, and his family) but we'll see where this ridiculous life of my takes me for now, I 'spose!

I guess we'll see what happens when the summer ends.

This morning, after about an hour of sleep, Melissa dropped me off at the train station. We hugged and cried, and I honestly didn't expect those tears at all. But I love my best friend more than anything in the world. And I truly know, no matter how awesome and fun and ridiculous and life changing this trip will (probably) be, it's going to be so hard without her by my side.




We've come such a long way.

I'm currently on a bus on the way to DC. Where I'll walk a mile to the greyhound station and leave for a 20 hour ride to Lexington, Kentucky. Oh, life.

003.

"Spring forward, fall back down. I'm trying not to wonder where you are."

The one thing that has remained constant the past 7 months is me reaching for something that was last fall. I'm not sure what exactly. When I realized how right traveling was going to be for me, being in the city, being so close with Stacy that it honestly scared me, feeling a lot of feelings for the first time. But looking back, I always go back to missing that time. When at the time, it didn't even feel very significant.

Maybe it's just because those were the months were I started to meet the person I am now.

In a little over 24 hours, I'll be walking from Chrystina's apartment in South Philly to 30th street station and getting on a bus. 24 hours later I'll be in Lexington, Kentucky meeting up with Carey. That night, I'll be staying at a stranger's house in Chicago just to wake up and keep driving across the country. Sometime next week I'll be living in Seattle, Washington. I can't really rap my mind around how big of an adventure this is. And it feels like it's been so long since I felt that free, traveling, no worries feeling. And as scared as I am, I'm so ready. It's always right.

Seasons change.

Maybe we know too much to be happy all the time.
We know more than everyone else.
I've always said that, but it's making more sense than usual right now.


I can't sleep.
But I can sleep more than most.


I'm spending my last weekend home with my best friend, in Philadelphia, with music and drunk kids.
Nothing could be more right.
Well maybe not nothing, but almost.

Bloodlust.

I've been working on a really long entry, documenting everything that's happened since the last time I really wrote. Maybe I'll post it at some point, or maybe I'll keep it as a draft. Looking back there's only a few things that really truly matter. I need to get those out now.

Sunday night I saw Kid Dynamite. My knee still hurts too much to put any weight on it, the muscles in my upper arms are either pulled or something is sprained, my lip is really fucked up. Being in a sea of people's sweat, not eating and walking in and out of such drastically different temperatures fucked with my immune system and I caught whatever was going around at TIH, I've been in bed the past 2 days. It was and is still, all worth it. I have never had that much fun during a band's set before. I don't think seeing any other band has ever meant as much. They were the first band who's reunion meant so, so much to me, being that they've been one of my favorite bands for quite some time now. Their set was so long, and they played so many songs. I spent so much time in the air crowd surfing and stage diving, and I never do that. Guys just kept picking me up and throwing me into the crowd and I sung my heart out to the songs that have meant so much in making me who I've become. So many WHOA'S, so many smiling faces. I'll never forget getting Chrystina's text message while I was in Kentucky, gasping, running outside and calling Andrew in tears. And it really lived up to everything it was supposed to be. It was all surreal and afterwards I left and walked straight to my car alone because I was so overwhelmed that I knew I couldn't talk to anyone.

The weekend of TIH 2010, definitely ruled. That might be an understatement.

However I haven't felt 100% like myself lately, the happiness I've felt all summer hasn't totally been there. I know it'll come back, but it's been a struggle getting through without it. So many things have been coming together, things that are honestly a little mind blowing. It makes too much sense and no sense all at once.

I've been missing something lately as well. It's been so fucking present. Just looming overhead. I don't know if it's a specific person, or just a feeling. The feeling of really, truly being cared for. I've been totally fine with out it, and I always believe that if you're waiting for it- it won't come. But I just feel this total absence and my mind wanders and it hasn't been good. I keep thinking about memories I thought I was done thinking about. This, combined with being totally scared and hesitant to leave in a few days has, for lack of better words, left me feeling totally fucked up. It's a little much to handle and I feel a little lost. A little overwhelmed.

I know soon enough I'll be on the bus on a 14 hour ride to Kentucky, and once I cross enough state lines, I'll be back and I'll feel totally fine.
That's really all it takes for me. A little distance and unfamiliarity. That and time. Time, time, time.


"I'm knocking on your window, please let me, please let me in."

1:22

There is SO, SO much to say right now. So much to remember, so much to talk about.
But I can't even begin to get it out. Soon.
Tonight was absolutely amazing. The whole weekend ruled.
I feel so nostalgic already, I'm feeling unbelievably strange.
Things have been coming together in the oddest ways lately, and I've been missing something.
I don't know what to make of any of it.

I leave very, very soon.

I'm missing things I never missed before.

I can't wait for the dead of winter, laying in the dark listening to nothing but Joy Division.

002.

I'm better off alone, not having people (to get attached to, to be dependent on, to love and adore and respect and care about) just saves it when you start to lose them. Whether they drift away, they change or something happens that makes you or them have to let go or push the other away. It's not worth it when you start to miss people and the way things were. When you're reaching for a friendship that just isn't there anymore and there's no control in whether it ever will be again. I don't hang out with a lot of people that used to "important anymore". Most of that's by choice. I don't miss the group of friends I had last summer, I love the people I'm close with now. But there are those few important friendships that are killing me to think about. It's the 3 people I always said were the most important, the 3 I said I would never let go of. And I look around and they're just no where to be found. I've had one of the best summers of my life, up until a few days ago I couldn't break this content feeling. I've been the happiest I ever have been in my entire life. But I feel it slipping away and when I'm not totally content is when I notice their absences and remain in a total loss about what the answers are.

I went camping with Melissa and Brett the other night. Having my car back makes things a lot easier. The camping trip was hectic and full of bugs and bites and scary noises and fires that wouldn't stay burning. It defines our friendship. The next morning though, we finally did find somewhere we could swim. It was wonderful, that and chasing wild turkeys (we think?) and sitting in the sun in Bethlehem and the drive home with the windows down on backroads, I did feel fine.







I think I have an ear infection. I've never had one before and I really can't handle being sick right now. I move to Seattle in 18 days. I have way too much else to deal with between now and then.

Mainly shaking any unhappiness floating around my mind and getting back to the person I found in May and the one who's spent this summer "feeling indestructible, aimlessly alive". I can do it, I know it now.

((()))

Thunderstorm, finally.
I just feel like hiding under my covers, but hey I've got my car keys back.
Maybe I'll do something stupid.

TH/ALL

"There are many places to call home. This van, your arms or anywhere I find to be alone. People are like vines and not like stone. We're surprised to look back and see how much we've grown. Well by now we have learned better than to try and hold our tongues. Because if we are too careful, the best songs are left unsung. We push words of past and passion through our tiny soot filled lungs. Four track tape machines, oh it's only just begun."

001.

I can't believe it's already the second day of August.

So my fears were proven wrong, I can't seem to easily rid the mindset they seemed to put me in though. I need to go right back to feeling as free as I have the past few months. It'll come, I'm just kind of moody today. Little noises seem to irritate me easily. I'm also not one for small talk the past few days. I can feel myself when I get in those moods, I respond with ha's, mm's and little "tttss" sounds. I just want to be in my own little head.

Friday night I went to a party in Newark with Melissa, Ashley and her boyfriend. It was definitely interesting. Fire breathing and thigns. Only later to end up a some bro's house for a bit too. He had puppies though! Which he said "they've been kicked plenty of times", which re-affirmed my dislike for people like that. There was also a cry fest with my best friend, I want that girl to realize she has the world...soon enough.

Saturday morning I went to Philly with Melissa, her sister, sister's boyfriend Andrew and their cousin Caroline. I got really good falafel from a place called Saad's in West Philly. Lizzy picked me up and I spent the next 4 hours, literally 4 hours, in Ikea with her and stayed over in NJ to help her move the next day.

I'm currently in Brooklyn still, we've been here since yesterday afternoon. I literally put almost her entire room together myself (bed frame, dressers, couch). And putting together Ikea furniture is not an easy task. We got Foodswings and sat on the roof looking at the city lights until 2 am though, drinking sparkling cider. I love more than anything the way it never fully gets dark in cities. The sky is always that familiar purple.

I'm very expectant of the next few weeks flying by. And while I'm excited to get to the end of the month, I'm nervous that I'm going to be surprised when it's here sooner than I expect and I run out of time to do everything I need or want to. Oh well, everything will work out how it should.

I leave in just a little over 3 weeks. 23 days.

"And if my heart just stops, keep me alive for a minute. I wanna know if a curtain drops."