fuck

I believe now more than ever that I should always follow my gut instincts. Just in the way that I trust my judgement in friendships, I should trust myself when I think something will probably be a bad idea. But it's the fear of holding myself back versus missing out on something great. I want to be able to just let things flow the way they should, not feel like I need to control them, and just let them live their selves out. But maybe I get these gut feelings for a reason, maybe I shouldn't just "see how things go" because if I feel a certain way, maybe it's for a reason. All I know is that I told myself not to get these feelings for him, I told myself not to like him until I was sure it was going to go somewhere, I told myself not to get attached. But I decided to say fuck you to those instincts and just go along with things..well look where it got me, exactly where I didn't want to me. He just dropped me and moved on to somebody else. I was completely lead on. And even though the feelings could be a lot stronger, this still just really sucks. I love my boys more than anything, I never want to talk to anyone other one outside of them again. I never want to like anyone ever again.

this

couches, kitchen counters, basements, ice, slugs, beds, 7 am, 1 am, video games, floors, broken heat, bad drivers, long talks, dirty shoes, canyons, extra long hugs, sucker punches, teary-eyed songs, skateboards and maracas, pants, frozen toes or shaven heads, 'got ya good', cupcakes, trunks, stolen signs and other goods, broken phones, and feeling alive.

"Tesla, you sounded so happy." I can't believe it's that noticeable.

again

I told myself not to get attached. Not only did I get attached but I got attached and my hopes up more than I warned myself against. I hate feeling like this. I just want to go back to liking a stupid boy who I can never have. I was good at it.

heart.

Stacy Hornung, Tyler Mullen, and Andrew Benenati are the most important people in the world to me. I don't know when it happened, I don't know why sometimes, but they have more of my heart than I could explain. They are 3 of the most amazing people I've ever met, and I will keep them close forever. I've never felt so sure.


Also: 1 week. I have no idea how the past one went so fast.

November 14th

I bought Tyler and myself Brand New tickets for his birthday :)
I'm so excited.

soon

This summer has gone faster than any summer I can remember.
I can't believe it's August.
2 weeks :(

best

Recently, I don't know much.. but I do know the most important thing to me is being a good friend. That's all that really seems to matter, and if that's all I know how to do, that's fine with me. I love my best friends so, so much. I know the best people, and they deserve the best in return.