I can't be alone for this long, nothing good comes of it. I have so many wonderful people in my life, so many people who love me, who'd tell me they're there for me. I have so many friends that surround me, but no best friend and I still feel so completely alone. And it leaves me to myself, realizing I'm not close to anyone, and there's no one to trust. I don't want to feel that way, because I love all the faces I see with all my heart, but there's something that keeps me so far detached and it's killing me.
I thought I was done feeling like this. I've been happy the past few weeks, and I do like my life right now, but nothing will ever compare to those past times. And everything now is just slipping through my fingers without so much meaning. I need that meaning back.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Thursday, January 22, 2009
January
The month has been exceptional, to sum it up in one word, and it's not even over yet.
to recap after the best new years ever:
a CUT SHORT show in Jersey near the shore that ended up being way more fun or a night than any of us expected-all the bands were ridiculously good, everyone was so friendly, we froze our asses off but i totally earned my title as merch girl, CUT SHORT played their best set to date, I got drug into the pit and fell and sprained my ankle (which resolted in me no calling/no showing for work the next morning. But do I still have a job? Of course.) but it didn't even matter because the vibe of the night was so fucking amazing, after the long drive home there was a stop at the eagle diner. Finally bought an Ipod and it's my baby, I've never wanted to take such good/careful care of anything before. Went to Arizona for a week. Stayed with Cecily the first two nights, then after an argument she kicked me out and I ended up staying at Kellie's the remainder of my trip, which honestly couldn't have been any better. I surprised myself by not caring one bit at the sudden demise of that friendship but shit happens and staying at Kellies was the best time I could of asked for. We went to a party, saw twilight, and just caught up after a year and a half-it was so nice. I spent 12 hours in the Vegas airport where an arab boy in his mid twenties tried to convince me to leave with him and I slept next to a possible homeless man- only those three things would coincide in my life. Came home for 12 hours and saw City and Colour with William Elliot Whitmore in Philly with Tyler, Zoe, and Amy; beyond amazing show and pretty swell night. Hung out with Andrew and Melissa, found the most epic looking asain restaurant that we'll make a day out of trying, and then Stacy before she went back to college- making gingerbread cookies, shopping at Kohls, laughing at things only the two of us would find funny, and playing ridiculous amounts of Guitar Hero 3. CUT SHORT had a show in Doylestown, and despite the horrible weather and me driving like a grandma because I was shakin' in my boots, it was a good night. If theres one thing I know, I love all my boys more than life itself. Some new people have come into my life that I can't wait to get to know better, and some people that I gave up on have surprisingly come back into it. I went to a yoga class, and for the time being working out is going to become a bigger part of my life.
I'm happy again, and this year, the few weeks I've seen so far, is showing so much promise and home and I can't wait for everything that is coming in the next few days, weeks, and months.
The rest of January is going to consist of working little, the title fight and balance and composure show, more yoga, going down south to hang out with Chrystina, Paulson's show, and visiting Stace in Philly and going to a kick ass Flea Market.
My car is basically falling apart, but I'll deal. It's getting fixed while we're in California (February 11th-18th), and not too many months from then I'll be getting a new one. And speaking of my California trip, I'm stoked on that as well.
Cheerio!
to recap after the best new years ever:
a CUT SHORT show in Jersey near the shore that ended up being way more fun or a night than any of us expected-all the bands were ridiculously good, everyone was so friendly, we froze our asses off but i totally earned my title as merch girl, CUT SHORT played their best set to date, I got drug into the pit and fell and sprained my ankle (which resolted in me no calling/no showing for work the next morning. But do I still have a job? Of course.) but it didn't even matter because the vibe of the night was so fucking amazing, after the long drive home there was a stop at the eagle diner. Finally bought an Ipod and it's my baby, I've never wanted to take such good/careful care of anything before. Went to Arizona for a week. Stayed with Cecily the first two nights, then after an argument she kicked me out and I ended up staying at Kellie's the remainder of my trip, which honestly couldn't have been any better. I surprised myself by not caring one bit at the sudden demise of that friendship but shit happens and staying at Kellies was the best time I could of asked for. We went to a party, saw twilight, and just caught up after a year and a half-it was so nice. I spent 12 hours in the Vegas airport where an arab boy in his mid twenties tried to convince me to leave with him and I slept next to a possible homeless man- only those three things would coincide in my life. Came home for 12 hours and saw City and Colour with William Elliot Whitmore in Philly with Tyler, Zoe, and Amy; beyond amazing show and pretty swell night. Hung out with Andrew and Melissa, found the most epic looking asain restaurant that we'll make a day out of trying, and then Stacy before she went back to college- making gingerbread cookies, shopping at Kohls, laughing at things only the two of us would find funny, and playing ridiculous amounts of Guitar Hero 3. CUT SHORT had a show in Doylestown, and despite the horrible weather and me driving like a grandma because I was shakin' in my boots, it was a good night. If theres one thing I know, I love all my boys more than life itself. Some new people have come into my life that I can't wait to get to know better, and some people that I gave up on have surprisingly come back into it. I went to a yoga class, and for the time being working out is going to become a bigger part of my life.
I'm happy again, and this year, the few weeks I've seen so far, is showing so much promise and home and I can't wait for everything that is coming in the next few days, weeks, and months.
The rest of January is going to consist of working little, the title fight and balance and composure show, more yoga, going down south to hang out with Chrystina, Paulson's show, and visiting Stace in Philly and going to a kick ass Flea Market.
My car is basically falling apart, but I'll deal. It's getting fixed while we're in California (February 11th-18th), and not too many months from then I'll be getting a new one. And speaking of my California trip, I'm stoked on that as well.
Cheerio!
Monday, January 12, 2009
Sunday, January 4, 2009
Unfortunatly,
the sad part is that I know who exactly I want to see. And you will never feel the same. Actually, most of the time I don't think you even really want me around. I've tried denying this for months, but it's been a long time and I still feel like I need you.
Thursday, January 1, 2009
"la, la, la la. Wait til I get my money right.."
I've never believed in resolutions before, or really ever thought about them, but this year after tonight..where I call it a resolution or not I'm going to try with everything in me to be much less pessimistic. It's not that I try to think the way I do, it's just always how I've been and it's never really bothered me much but I really think I'd be a happier person if I had a more positive outlook and tonight proved that to me. I can't even count the amount of time I've almost (luckily, i usually end up forcing myself into thing even if my gut is trying to bring me now) missed out on amazing memories because I let my negative thoughts get the best of me.
I've always disliked new years, as far back as i can remember. From when I was little and my parent's would throw keggers and I'd have to fend to take care of myself to the last few years where things just didn't go right. So when I was feeling like none of my plans this year weren't going to be that wonderful, I didn't really think anything of it. Still, I sat around most of the day upset that this year seemed to join in with all the rest, going back and fowarth in my mind whether it was even worth it to go out at all. Knowing I'd regret not knowing what my night could of been, I decided to go out and at least give having fun a shot. AND I'M SO GLAD I DID.
I left my house around 9:30 and drove up to wilmington. Alex invited me to his friend's party and even though I'd only know a few people there I thought I might as well stop by and say hi to him on new years since he was the only person to really seem like he wanted to hang out with me. Everyone there was already drunk so I just kind of stood around watching drunk people for a while. Joanna was there for we just kind of kept to ourselves and talked since she was the only other sober person there, haha. Some kid broke Veronica's nose and I learned what a "Stirke Out" is. Around 11 I said my goodbyes and Joanna decided to leave with me because I told her I'd give her a ride home.
On the ride over to Harvey's I invited her along so we headed down to Newark. I wasn't really expecting to have fun there at all but I was sticking to my plan on giving it a try..plus I really didn't want to be just driving alone at midnight. We got to Harvey and Poz's apartment and I knew instantly when I got there it was gonna be a good time. I only knew like half the people there but the next 2 hours were spent drinking some orange stuff that was absolutely delicious, dancing to whatever song was on, huge group singalongs to kanye west and MIA, hugs, kisses, new BLOSSOMING friendships, as well as old ones coming back and so much laughter. We left close to 2 and melissa drove back to middletown with me while everyone else went in Andrew's car. I tend to forget how much some of the people in my life make me so happy, I also tend to forget that I never have a bad time with these people and I wouldn't have wanted to spend my new years eve with anyone else.
This was the best new years I've ever had, I'm so happy.
I've always disliked new years, as far back as i can remember. From when I was little and my parent's would throw keggers and I'd have to fend to take care of myself to the last few years where things just didn't go right. So when I was feeling like none of my plans this year weren't going to be that wonderful, I didn't really think anything of it. Still, I sat around most of the day upset that this year seemed to join in with all the rest, going back and fowarth in my mind whether it was even worth it to go out at all. Knowing I'd regret not knowing what my night could of been, I decided to go out and at least give having fun a shot. AND I'M SO GLAD I DID.
I left my house around 9:30 and drove up to wilmington. Alex invited me to his friend's party and even though I'd only know a few people there I thought I might as well stop by and say hi to him on new years since he was the only person to really seem like he wanted to hang out with me. Everyone there was already drunk so I just kind of stood around watching drunk people for a while. Joanna was there for we just kind of kept to ourselves and talked since she was the only other sober person there, haha. Some kid broke Veronica's nose and I learned what a "Stirke Out" is. Around 11 I said my goodbyes and Joanna decided to leave with me because I told her I'd give her a ride home.
On the ride over to Harvey's I invited her along so we headed down to Newark. I wasn't really expecting to have fun there at all but I was sticking to my plan on giving it a try..plus I really didn't want to be just driving alone at midnight. We got to Harvey and Poz's apartment and I knew instantly when I got there it was gonna be a good time. I only knew like half the people there but the next 2 hours were spent drinking some orange stuff that was absolutely delicious, dancing to whatever song was on, huge group singalongs to kanye west and MIA, hugs, kisses, new BLOSSOMING friendships, as well as old ones coming back and so much laughter. We left close to 2 and melissa drove back to middletown with me while everyone else went in Andrew's car. I tend to forget how much some of the people in my life make me so happy, I also tend to forget that I never have a bad time with these people and I wouldn't have wanted to spend my new years eve with anyone else.
This was the best new years I've ever had, I'm so happy.
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