016.

You know, I could write a bunch. I could say a lot of words. I could go on and on about how wonderful the past few days have been and about how last night was unexpectedly one of the best nights of 2010. But instead I'll display it visually and keep the millions of thoughts locked inside my head and let it all out when it's time. This is just the beginning.

015.

I'm free.
Sleepovers with Tyler Mullen, Toby Foster/Eric Ayotte shows.
Leaving for days at a time, long walks and wandering around.




"Long distance phone calls and miles on transmissions and such. Ash-tray over flowing with a weeks worth of cigareette butts. All somehow seem to say hey, you shouldn't work so much. All seem to say everything is ok, try your best now to live in the moment. It's fleeting, I know it. But it's the only thing thats real, it's the only thing that anyone's got."

I can feel it coming back to life, that free feeling. The one I always said was the most important.

I miss Stacy Lynn Hornung more than I have ever missed any friend that I have ever said I miss. I've been so busy and surrounded by so much other love, that I don't feel her absence. But I know the minute we're together again a huge void will be felt and filled. There's nothing quite as important and Stace and Tes and our adventures. But we'll be back again one day.

0101010101

I decided to skip sleep last night, I'm disoriented already and I know it's only bound to get worse with the day.
But I feel like I'm seeing just how far I can go. If everything goes as planned (or unplanned?) the next 3 or so weeks of my life are going to be insane. I'm not sure I can even comprehend everything that could take place.

"i'm still fucked to death. it's still meaningless its still hit or miss. its never making sense. it all went wrong in sympathetic song. starting again with broken hymns and limbs. i want star-bound feet far from the ground . this is the most intense thing you've felt. this is two hands ripping through your chest to scrape the love from your heart."

014.

It'll never make sense.
Neverrr ever ever ever ever ever ever ever.

I'm finally going through this other room I sort of took over at my grandma's, I think I'm going to have a garage sale on Saturday. I have so much to sell.
Then Saturday night I'm taking off, and hopefully won't be back until mid-June.


-------
Sometimes all it takes to change your entire mood is to just leave the house for the first time today and be outside in the fresh air. To go for a run and see a really pretty sky colored sunset. To listen to a band that makes you feel motivated, and hopeful.
To constanty remind myself that I'm lucky and I live an absolutely amazing life.

"Try to take nothing for granted. Like breakfast, and breathing, and short term memory. Sometimes it gets so cold you almost cant stand it. To remember is to be reminded so insensitively. But its hard not being told who to be, the tradeoff is incredible just to feel that you're free."
-------
"I promise, absolutely promise no guy is gonna come between anything we have. ever. ever ever ervevrvr EVER again."
tank yew mfd, I knew it but I needed to hear it.<3

013.

Today is my first day home in a week.
Today is the first bad day I've had in that week.
Correlation?

Too much piled up.
At least you'll learn, my friends will always choose me first.

The minute I'm back, the minute I'm looking for a way out again.

012.

Last night was the way it should be, the way it used to be.
Just the boys and me, like old times. I can't wait for tour.
Falling asleep in the back of the van, feet up on the seat, on the way home, jawbreaker blasting.
Waking up to Michael Jackson and all 4 guys dancing.

Oh and! My baby boys got some really good news :)





"All I'm going to say about that is....."

Melissa Stafford, Tyler Mullen, Andrew Benenati, Stacy Hornung, Ashley Rodgers, Garrett Jansen, Nick Broujos, Chrystina Mansker, Alex Souders, Ashley Ivey

The most beautiful people in the whole world.
The ones that love me, the ones that would never do anything to intentionally hurt me, the ones I trust with my words and with my heart.
The only ones that matter.
I don't need you. You don't get it. I thought you did, but I was wrong.


With every breath, I'm a little more "fine".
I will always be okay.

Soon :)

011.

The rest of the weekend's been pretty good, Providence was so awesome.

I wanted to write all about it, I'm just starting to feel a little sick right now.
But I could be a lot worse. It probably helps that I already knew, for the most part.
I'm still just searching for answers that I'll never receive.
Time. More and more time. "Life moves on, so I'm told."

I'm currently sitting by myself on Chrystina's roof.
I needed to be alone for a little while to be okay and I wanted to be in the sun (as always.)

010.

I'm currently sitting on a couch (see also: my bed for the weekend) in a living room in New Haven, Connecticut. Yesterday Chrystina and I left Philadelphia and came up here to visit Mitch, and in return an Andy and Nemo!! as well. We ate way too many sour patch kids, got lost in New Jersey (of course, fuck you google maps), I took a nap and woke up to Chrystina saying "Sup....Damian", and we arrived at a show only to see a swamp.

The show was decent, I told a boy he was cute and saw Spraynard for the 1000th time in the past few weeks...they have to think I'm stalking them, especially having seen them in so many random places. Philly, Baltimore, Brooklyn and Connecticut. Fucking Connecticut. We came back to they boys' apartment and ate vegan pizza from Rhode Island, which TOTALLY filled a void of something in my life hahah, and played Monopoly Deal and drank rootbeer. Oh the joys of a bunch of straight edge vegan kids. I really, really enjoyed the night.

Today I woke up to a puppy jumping on me, which is always my favorite, and we went on an adventure driving around the city to find Whole Foods. We bought things for vegan nachos and I really like New Haven. It's cute and the weathers been really nice. All the houses are so little with adorable balconies. Chrystina and I both had a dream last night that I worked at Happy Harry's again, which is weird and we danced to some Gaga and sang some Saves the Day. We ate nachos, drank milkshakes, played more Monopoly Deal (WHICH I ALMOST WON FINALLY), laughed about ridiculous things (I really get along with these guys, and I'm happy about it) and tonight we're probably going to a $4 midnight showing of Pee Wee's Big Adventure.

The only strange (maybe bad?) thing I could write about is the way my emotions show on my face nowadays, which isn't something I'm used to. On the car ride up Chrystina and I put in a old Spill Canvas CD just for fun and my mind started to wander and I was feeling a little sad and Chrystina suddenly takes the CD out and said "I've never seen you look so sad, time for a better album". I couldn't believe I could wear something that plain on my face, that's very very new to me. I don't know how I could change like that.

But anyways, I'm really enjoying this trip. I feel like myself. I'm far from home, my phone is dead, I have no money...just the way I like it. It feels right.
I'm having a good weekend and it's only Friday :)


Everyone else is in another room or napping and I'm hanging out with Nemoz<3

"She loved you to death, you tried to take her life"

009.

Last night Chris invited me to a show on Madison, so I dragged Andrew with me and we went up. There wasn't many people there but the bands were SO good. Mouthbreather and Rat Healer. I seriously can't stop listening to Rat Healer and I think it's hilarious how much I love them. It was really nice getting to spend so much time with drewdrew one on one. I can't remember the last time we hung out just the two of us now that I think about it, it honestly might of been in the fall. I can't believe that much time went by. It's so reassuring though that that much time can go by, things can feel weird but the minute we get over it..we're still as close as ever. He's still my best friend and little brother and I trust him with every word that comes out of my mouth. It was a good night and I'm glad it's what happened.

However, driving up to Newark realizing I was excited to see someone caught me totally off guard. I don't want to have yet another silly crush that doesn't go anywhere. Especially when I don't know if these feelings are just me searching for something new or misplaced or...I don't know.

I'm going to Connecticut for the weekend with Chrystina, that's all that matters right now and all I'm going to think about.

008.

I always question, and constantly think about, my opinion on whether or not I believe everything happens for a reason.
But in my life, more than anyone else I know, everything always comes together.
Every single thing affects another, and I find the strangest connections and full circles.

The past few days that I've spent hanging out around Delaware, I needed them. If most of my plans had worked out I wouldn't have been around home. I'm glad they didn't, I needed to be put back in my place. To remember who I am here. To feel the love that exists here. That nothing matters quite as much as jumping into a van with my boys and not having any other care in the world. That wandering feeling. That I don't fucking need anyone else other than these people. That I'm independent and fine alone. That I feel more like myself when I jump out of my friends moving care, goofing around and able to be totally my silly self, right into the arms of another friend. I needed to feel this way again.
I just needed to be reminded who I am. I let yet another person come into my life (and though I wish it hadn't gone down the way it did and end up how it is now-i don't regret it happening) and I let them throw me off course. I always say never again, and it always happens again. I don't think I wouldn't try again..I just think I finally know how not to lose myself in someone else ever again and mean it this time. It's not worth it to feel the way it does when it goes wrong.

Delaware will always be the one thing I have that reminds me who I am when I start to forget. So I'm glad I've spent these nights lately doing exactly what I have. I can go on with my life again, start where I left off.

Tonight I went up to Newark and hung out with various people, just wandering around. Melissa, Brett, Zoe, Andrew, Tyler, Buff, etc. I was hyper as hell for a little while, drinking a slurpee, singing The Sidekicks in the back seat of my best friend's car.

Sitting in the seats of cars when I'm in the right mindset (my favorite mindset), sometimes I feel like everything is a movie. Those are the times I feel most alive. Which I realized makes absolutely no sense since movies aren't real life. But it makes sense to me. And being able to feel that again today was a definite break through for me, I haven't felt it in a while and it was so, so good. Just looking at the sky, on a completely different level than the rest of the world. I'm almost back. Almost.

After I got home I got a text, "What are you doing in a little? I'm very interested in seeing you but I'm not in a group mood." So I went back to Newark for the second time, picked Garrett up and we walked around for a few hours just talking.
You know, it's taken years (and back then I never thought it could happen) but you've finally opened up to me. I'm so glad I have your trust, I feel like that's a rare thing from you. Hearing it straight from your mouth "You can't fucking trust anyone and I don't, but I trust you"..it meant something. It's not something easily given away from you. And I strangely, feel like I could tell you anything as well. I'm glad we're on this level. I'm glad you care. I've called you one of my best friends for awhile now and I finally feel the title fits. I was thankful for all the conversation.
Love all these boys.

I also wish people would realize that anything you say to someone close to me, is sure as hell going to get back to me even if it's said in a casual context. My relationships with my best friends, no words go untold. My friends have my back. Garrett told me to hate, I don't want to hate. He said I have good reason to. I'd rather be numb to it. I don't know what to feel though. Because nothing isn't possible or right either.

After awhile I took Gregy home cause I was freezing, and I realized just about everything I just typed. I don't need anyone else. I have people that care about me and love me and want me around and who are thankful for me.
Fuck anyone else who doesn't see what I have to offer or want it.

The rest of this week is going to rule. Back to living my life.
"and no, no one can say that you are far away. there are memories, warm feelings which will always remain. like college radio late nights, and heart to heart curbsides. the sheer beauty of which there are not words to explain. the ghosts in the attic sure beat TV static. we were up all night, quite close to insane and all the time learning from each other how to keep out the rain"

I hope there's enough room in the van so I can go on tour. I miss when I literally only spent my time with the boys, and at Cut Short shows. I know if I can take off with them, jump in that van...I'll be back. Completely. It's where I feel most at home, with them.

007.

I want to sleep. I always just want to sleep.
It's 7pm and I just drank two cups of coffee and I'm about to pour a third.
I spent the rest of the day laying in bed. I did nothing productive but make a mix cd and album cover for someone I don't even know.
I'm aware of it, but I really think it's subconscious as well:
I'm not meant to have a healthy sleep schedule ever.
The only difference between now and before is that I actually WANT to be up at 9 am again. I got used to have so many more hours in my day and never having to rush to get ready.
But I think maybe I should sleep as much as possible now because I don't really think sleep will be a part of my life much this summer.

"And I won't forget about the burden buried deep inside my chest."
The Balance and Composure side of the split with Tigers Jaw is fucking perfect. They have this way of affecting me that only certain bands do.

This is pretty perfect too.

006.

caffeine and a lack of real sleep, knees deep in gasoline.

I think it's mostly due to the fact that Boston fell through today,
but I knew it would come back..that feeling.
The feeling of needing nothing more than to be out of this state.
Soon Tesla, soon.

Tigesr Jaw last night was alright. I guess I couldn't really ask for much more than having all my best friends in one place at the same time. I was just in one of those moods I get in where I wander off by myself a lot.


Kitty is perfection.
I spent most of the day sleeping in my best friend's bed (and I mean this as in I didn't get up until after 6 pm), and although I would have rather been somewhere far off, I'm not complaining.
We went out and ate really yummy chinese food and then met up with some good friends and sat around an apartment listening to vinyl for a few hours. It's not a typical weekend for me, or anything extremely exciting, but I'm feeling alright.

"It's childish but you're someone with a heart I'd like to know."

005.

"Don't you love something cause you hate the opposite? You broke your own heart."

You know, I'm sad sometimes and I've had a rough few months.
But when it comes down to it- I live, I live, I live.

You'll fix things one day, I'm sure of it.
Until then I'm going to wander and float around.


I started watching Lost tonight, I feel like so many of my friends are going to be proud. Currently on Season 1 Episode 3.
I also just heard two new Ceremony songs, it is so fucking good. So different, but so good. Very slow, much more punk than trashy. I'm excited for the new record now.
Drew's been texting me from tour with Damages tonight. "I wish you were on tour with us." Nostalgia at it's finest.

I'm not sure I've ever missed something quite so much before.
At least not in this way.

004.

My grandma had to borrow my car yesterday and didn't get home til 7 so I missed Touche Amore and Lewd Acts. I'm bummed about Touche, but I've seen them 4 times already so I'll suck it up. It wasn't the greatest show, but Converge is still flawless. Absolutely flawless. I just don't think anything will ever compare to the first time(s) I saw them. Not only did they play my dream set last year, but it was a during a weekend that changed me and I was standing next to my best friend and had my head in my hands the minute I heard the beginning of The Saddest Day. It was surreal. Last night when they started to play Heartache I literally was back in the FU Church, standing next to Tyler, hyperventilating hahah. I don't know what to say about Thursday really, I wasn't dissappointed..but it also wasn't what I was expecting either. I don't know what it is- the fact that I've seen them 8 times now, how much my music taste has changed, the setting (not seeing them with Stacy), but something was different. They'll always be a very memorable band for me, but maybe just a thing of the past. It was cool to drive around DC a little, and hanging out with Joey some was nice too! It was an extremely loud show as well, my ears are still ringing.

Today I wasn't feeling very well. But I decided maybe seeing some friends would help even though I didn't really feel like leaving the house. So I forced myself into driving up to Newark and I hung out with Melissa, Andrew, Joanna and Brett for awhile. Various other people were around for a little while too- Zoe, Tyler, Bret, Buff, Kyle, Nick C, etc. And of course I'm glad I went, I laughed, I felt better.

Andrew and me are so much better, it makes me so happy. It almost feels totally normal between us again. (When I showed up at Buff's late Saturday night after Nick and Melissa picked me up from the airport, the minute I walked in Andrew walked up to me and gave me the biggest hug he ever has and wouldn't let go. Yeah he was drunk, but it was still good.) Why it ever gets weird, I'll never know. Tyler felt normal too. I don't seem either of them very often, but I'm glad it still feels right. I miss my best friends a whole lot, they'll always be around though. I just know I'll always be stuck reaching for the past, the way things once were, in some form or another.

How YEARS just go by so fast blows my mind, I hate that they're just faster and faster each year as well.
(Aug '08) Almost 17, 16 and barely 18 :)

Years, years, years


This weekend is going to be absolutely amazing, can't wait.
Shows and trips and best friends as always.

tears/nothing good has ever come from 4 am

"All eyes on the calendar, another year I claim of total indifference. To here the days pile up with decisions to be made; I'm sure all of them were wrong. Into this song I send myself and with these drinks I plan to collapse and forget this wasted year, these wasted years. Well devoted friends, they disappear. And I'm sorry about the phone call and needing you. Some decisions you don't make. I guess it's just like breathing or not wanting to; there are somethings you can't fake. Yeah, there are some things you can't fake. Well I guess that it's typical to cling to memories you'll never get back again. And to sort through old photographs of a summer long ago or a friend that you used to know. And there below his frozen face well you wrote the name and that ancient date, that ancient date. And you can't believe that he's really gone, when all that's left is a fucking song. And I'm sorry about the phone call and waking you, I know that it is late. But thank you for talking, because I needed to. Some things just can't wait. Yeah, some things just can't wait."

It's strange how hard this song still hits me years later, and how it's relevance never ceases to exist.

5/4/2010

I will never mention it here again.

This morning I woke up to The Virtue of Selfishness- Ayn Rand and a mix cd on my front step (well, actually my neighbors front step haha) from Lindsay. The night we had hours worth of conversation on aim last week, I told her the whole story. Everything. So this is my "Be well" mix. Some people are just, good. I'm forever grateful to have people care enough to do little things like this for me just out of the kindness of their heart. I will never let those kind of people go. This means so much more than words or really anything else. Thank you, just thank you.

http://www.mediafire.com/?wtnynmmq5z2

Stacy and me aren't speaking. There's no reason for it. Nothing happened. There is the chance she thinks I ignored some of her texts since my phone has been dead since last Thursday, but when I saw her Sunday night she wouldn't make eye contact with me. It was the weirdest thing in the world. It's different than regular best friends with us, that bond is so much deeper. I've always said the extent to which we're connected actually scares me sometimes. I know this'll pass, and right now I'm not too concerned. But I know at some point it's going to hit me, and it's not going to be good.

Tonight I'm going to see Converge, Touche Amore, Thursday and Lewd Acts in DC with Joey (and hopefully Zoe). I need to get excited! Converge's set list is decent: http://i42.tinypic.com/k03mgz.jpg
No Saddest Day but I saw that twice over a year ago and nothing will ever take those moments away from me. I was literally speechless and shakey after their set at United Blood. I will never forget that, breath taking. At least they're playing Last Light again! That's super exciting. And I'm happy Lonewolves is on it.

003.

Hate.
I think anger is on the road to happiness though. So maybe this will end well.
My mind keeps changing. I don't know what I want at all.
This is the last night I spend in tears.


I'm not like other girls.
I'm not one of them and don't like being bunched into a list of them.
I don't need to be around anyone who doesn't know, see and appreciate that..
and likes me BECAUSE I'm not one of them.

mosquito bites, avocado, touche amore, aloe vera, letters sent, "shit hap"

002.

"Considering everything, me leaving with regrets only makes sense. I'll see you when we're both not so emotional."

If only, if only



So burnt, bummed about it.

Even if it's not officially summer for a little less than 2 months.. (I can't believe it's May, wasn't it just February?)
it feels like it's officially summer.
No make-up, hair air-blown dry from the breeze coming through the window after falling asleep and taking a mid-afternoon nap on my best friend's bed, waking up to a kitty cuddling next to me, sunburnt noses.

"I feel weird but that's alright"
At least I can still love the little things as much as ever.

001.

So glad to be home. I know I'll be sick of this place again shortly, but sometimes a night with old friends is all you need to feel like yourself and be reminded why, corny as it is, "home is where your heart is".

I'm absolutely positively done being miserable.
Especially over a person or situation that I can't help or anything seemingly related.

Time to remember how much more alive I am than most of the world and how much fun I have every goddamn day.