I do not know how to be happy when it's cold.

I'm fine with feeling lost, it's feeling stuck I can't handle.

Thanksgiving 2009

Holidays aren’t my best childhood memories, not saying I didn’t love what I had, but there was always a lot of alcohol involved, and I don’t have a big family or any of those big gatherings most people seem to have. So when it comes to having a good thanksgiving, christmas, new years, etc..I’m not that hard to please. Tonight may very well have been the best thanksgiving I’ve ever had. I woke up to 10 missed calls from Tyler and went and picked him up and drove towards Baltimore. Dinner was at his aunts house and there was a TON of people- family he didn’t even know. And I really enjoyed getting to enjoy a real holiday family dinner for the first time, just the way you imagine them. I was so thankful for being welcomed into their home, and for a real home-cooked meal. It’s funny how amazing something like that can seem when you don’t see it very much anymore. We stayed for about 2 hours, and drove back to Delaware. We hung out at his house for awhile, and then I went over to Garrett’s when he got off work. He wanted to find a cool recipe to cook, so we found a vegan ‘chicken’ pasta pesto recipe that looked good online and went in search of an open grocery store, we ended up at wal-mart, only to realize he had lost the list of food we needed hahah. It didn’t matter, nothing mattered, everything tonight just felt so good. I was geniunely happy for the first time in weeks. Plus Garrett felt like my friend again, something I constantly struggle with when we go awhile without talking. He felt like the best friend I had last March, I could go on about how happy this makes me forever. Anyways, we bullshitted our way through what we thought we needed and went back to his place and put together our own recipe instead. We danced around his kitchen cooking and blasting Morrisey and I couldn’t stop smiling. Kyle came over eventually and we ate, watched Food Inc, and played Bullshit until 2 am. I love little nights like this more than anything. I also love that I’m a 19 year old girl, and they’re two boys-20 and 17, and we’d rather sit around sober doing things like this than being out at a party or drinking or any of that bullshit. I’m so happy I have people like this in my life. I’m thankful I had a good holiday, despite whether it should be a holiday or not, any day glorified as a time to spend with family or loved ones- I want to be doing just that, and today that’s what I did.

080808

It scares me how sure you can be that the people in your life are always going to be there.

tracks

This feels good. It’s not real, but it’s a pretty imagery and something I wouldn’t mind really living. As I sit in a diner in this all to familiar town I’m ironically listening to the train pass by on the tracks out back. I could get used to this. My cup of coffee, the interesting characters, the solitude of no one knowing a thing about me, what kind of adventure I’m currently on, or any piece of my story. I can't wait until this is a reality.

002.

I don't mean to brag..but I find myself talking about how amazing my life is a lot. And I’m not bragging, it’s just because it completely astonishes me how lucky I am and I don’t know if I’ll ever get over it.

I’ve quit college twice now, and it’s proving to be the best choice I’ve made yet. I don’t always have a plan and I get a little lost sometimes but I’m getting to do things that I never would be able to if I was working full-time or going to school still. Yeah I’m constantly broke and spending a lot of time on friend’s couches, but what’s it matter? If I’m happy, that’s all that I can see as important. I quit school and got to go on a road trip to Florida/The Fest. I came home and went to Vermont with a best friend and had one of the most important nights of my life. I could very well be going to Chicago this weekend and spending a week in Michigan. Then I’ll be going out to California, then on tour. I’m supposed to get an apartment after tour, but I’m thinking traveling the rest of the year into next summer sounds a little better. So many places to visit, if I work a week or two in between the trips I have enough for gas and to get by and that’s all I really need.

I am so lucky. This won’t last forever, but it sounds perfect for now. I’ll figure out forever when it gets here, if I make it there.

Fuckin' Vermont, man

Last night will go down as one of the best nights of my entire life. The last time I felt such strong nostalgia so soon after experiencing something was after United Blood Fest last march. It's when I know I experienced something that has changed me, I will never be the same after last night. I was to write so much about it, but I can't even think straight right now. Big things are going to happen.

Edit: Vermont-

There was something about the small town feeling, this little anarchist run cafe, and those kids in their winter clothes dancing around having the time of their lives, that changed something inside of me. I knew the trip to Vermont was going to be wonderful, but I wasn't expecting it to be the 'something' I've been searching for to help me get back to the place I want my mind to be. I finally know my plan for having no plan, and I'm content as ever with it. Those people that night, that boy and his guitar, the complete break down of all things trendy, stylish, or for a look or label or because it's "cool". I want to know where these kinds of kids are in my world. Do I have to move to Vermont to feel that way all the time? Because I will if that's what it takes. But there has to be kids like this is other places, I'm just not sure where to look. All I know is a lifestyle has never appealed to me quite as much, and I know where I belong. The smelly boys that don't shower, the girls in their mix-matched $5 outfits, the free dumpstered food..it's the most amazing place I have ever witnessed. The minute the show ended, I couldn't bare to walk out the door. I've never been less ready to leave anywhere in my entire life. I just kept asking Stacy, "It's not really over is it?" I didn't want it to end, I could of lived happily ever after dancing around that room with strangers to Nana Grizol.

Wingnut. I don't know how to explain the way he made me feel without sounding completely crazy. All I know is now I believe in something like love at first sight, something..something. I have never felt this way about a person in my whole life, and it has to mean something. Standing there hearing him play the songs I've spent the last 6 months listening to more than anything, I have NEVER felt as surreal. I wasn't expecting to see this boy who is everything I could possibly want. I have to see him again..

The entire trip was amazing. On the way, Stace and me stopped at this place on the Palisades Cliffs and climbed/looked over the Hudson. It was such an amazing view/place it set the mood for the entire day. If that's all we had done all day I would of been completely content with just that. But it only got so much better.

Endulge like Hemingway.

Understanding feelings I never felt before is one of my favorite things. It's the kind of knowledge I actually find knowledgeable. I know understand how traveling is addictive. While you're gone, it's always nice to get home, but after awhile there's an urge to leave again. I know I'll never be in one place forever, and I'm okay with this. I've always known this feeling, but only know do I understand and it's real.

I don't know much of anything lately, sometimes I'm happy sometimes I'm fucked up, I'm just working really hard to get back to the mentality I want, need, and love. It's there somewhere, holding on to it is the hard part.

Tomorrow I'm going to see Shook Ones in Philly by myself. It's funny how things change. I used to to go to shows alone because it was my only option, then I stopped because I didn't like being with out someone, now I'm at the point to where I'd rather go alone again. I think it's mostly because when I don't know anyone I feel the ability to be as ridiculous as I want. No judgment or limitations or caring what anyone in the room thinks. Afterwards I'm staying at Stace's, then we leave for Vermont the next morning. I'm so ready, I so need this, I'm so excited.

001.

"I swear there's nothing innocent in these eyes. Because I've seen dead friends. And I've seen murder. And I've done things I wish I hadn't done. But that's not to say that I'm not afraid of long nights dwelling on past mistakes. Because with life moving as fast as it does, I'll still have stories to fucking tell."




My life is everything I've always wanted. Florida was one of the best weekends of my life, I'll post about it soon in detail. The next week is going to be absolutely amazing. This weekend was/is wonderful too, Party at Kapa's friday night, Touche Amore in Bear last night, and in a bit I'm going to pick up Tyler and go to their show again with TA in Philly. I have a feeling it's going to be hard to get me to leave the city again when I'm there.. I'd also really like to kidnap Stace.