whole arm

It's realizing that I always feel better when I'm in some "different" situation, when I'm far away from...well, something. Whatever exactly it is that holds me back from feeling free.
It's realizing that I can travel a few more miles and hear adorable twangy southern accents.
It's realizing some of my favorite people are only a state line or two away rather than in an entire different region of the country.
That I could hop on another bus and be on your doorstep in 4 hours, rather than 14 hours.
It's friendly strangers and finding hope that feels nonexistent in the places I've been going "home" to the last few years.
It's remembering that nothing is too serious and to not hold back or get stressed out because things will work out however they're supposed to and even if they don't, hey you're gonna die some day so be happy today and not worry so much about the rest and enjoy everything for what it is.

737

I feel like it has to mean something. All of these never ending full circles, all of the coincidences that don't seem simply coincidental anymore. At least not in my life. You can believe whatever you want about fate and all, and I do believe some people's lives prove to only depend on fact but mine doesn't. There are too many signs daily that everything falls into random place for me. And then there's simple facts that I can feel something unexplainable, and know there's a reason for it but at the time I'm completely incapable of explaining it or seeing the reason, and then eventually it shows it's face. Like how the moment I saw him I knew there was something special about him and that night and my life, and now when I feel so disconnected from the things I once loved so much, and direction in my life and different desires, all it takes is hearing a certain voice, seeing pictures from certain times and certain faces that help me to remember, and things feel better and it all rushes back when I thought it was lost forever. How someone who's less than an acquaintance to me could be able to keep me grounded is so far past my comprehension I won't even try.

---

Tthere's always the chance Asheville doesn't end up being "right" or I don't find somewhere to move in, and I choose an entirely new route. But as for now, for the first time in months I have an actual plan. I've thrown ideas around, and gone back and forth with ideas but in reality if there was a chance to pick up and leave again, I took it instead.

but for now, I have this:
November 23rd-27th: Wilmington, DE
November 27th~28th: greyhound; Wilmington, DE to Richmond, VA to Charlotte, NC to Asheville, NC
November 28th-December 8th: Asheville, NC
December 8th: greyhound; Asheville to Charlotte, NC~Flight to Ontario, California
December 9th-27th: California
December 27th: Flight to Philadelphia, PA

~December 28th, moving into my house in Asheville.
(rent small moving truck, pack things, drive 9 hours from Middletown, Delaware to Asheville, North Carolina)

Thinking about finding somewhere fun to spend New Years though.

Constant state of wandering, even when I'm attempting to settle down.

Asheville

I'm moving in just a few days.

And this mindset is all wrong and I'm scared of being there and not falling back in love with my own life.
But I think of home, and moving to Philly doesn't feel right either. At least not right now, not anymore.

I have just as much to gain and lose in both scenarios. So I suppose it's better to try out the one I haven't before and see how it goes.

There's also a state two more lengths away that has been on my mind too. I know my reasons for going right now would be wrong, but it's a nice back up plan. I can never understand the words "it must be nice to be able to just up and leave" because really, if you want to, nothing should be capable of holding you back. Never ever let yourself stay anywhere you don't want to be. There is always something better. And that's what I'm searching for. I just have to not let myself back out too soon or lose hope if it doesn't play out exactly the way I see it in my head.

&

you'll become the one I never even knew I was looking for.

------

And you'll become the one I never planned on leaving/letting leave my side, but if it that's what happens (and I really think that's what's going to happen) just know that you pushed me away.

--4

I will always some how disappoint people with out being aware I'm doing anything "wrong". Yet I'm never confronted about it, so how can I fix something I'm entirely unaware of?

What I do know is that walking through my neighborhood with frozen fingers and pink cheeks, I found my answer. And I'm back to being comfortable with completely starting my life over for the millionth time. Maybe even more than ever. Fittingly enough, the only thing holding me back from leaving as soon as tomorrow is waiting around for some words from someone I'll be closer to when I'm gone.

"I don't wanna go to Brooklyn."

I rely too heavily on the idea that when something is stressing me out (making a choice, deciding on one option, figuring out "the plan"), that if I just let it go and out of my hands it'll come together on it's own.

But hey, circles?

I can't think about anything without feeling sick because I don't know what the right choice is. So I'm crossing my fingers and shutting my eyes tight and hoping it lays itself out in plain sight for me to see when I peak through my fingers.

03.

I just want to feel the same way I did all summer.
Inexipicitbly and perpetually happy.
So in love with the people I call my best friends. So excited to wake up and do something, no matter what it was, every day.

But now every day I'm just really tired and uninspired and everything takes a lot of energy, even basic conversation.

And now the day to leave inches closer and closer and I feel like I'm leaving everything else on mediocre terms and I'm not sure where that'll leave us and our futures. It's definitely the right decision, to go; but it's the newest beginning I've seen in 4 years. And of course with that will come some form of hesitation, even if it's miniscule.

I hate that the only consistency I know is the inevitable up and down course my life takes. The only consistency I have is the knowledge that nothing stays consistent.

Waiting and passing time.

The last two days (and hopefully today!) I've been miraculously in a better place. And by that, I suppose I mean just feeling the ability to be fine..I feel O.K. Maybe Fest really did affect me that much and now the post-Fest depression is finally starting to fade, maybe it's that my Asheville plan actually having come together in my head and being realistic, I'm not really sure. But whatever it is I'll take it. Although my other thought is that it's been slightly warm out those past two days and if the weather can really affect my mood that drastically, then I'm in trouble. The sick to my stomach, stressed, feeling like I'm forgetting to do something feeling still randomly sneaks up on me, but less frequently. It's honestly one of the weirdest things I've managed to do to myself yet and I wish it was something I could describe. But it's like my new constant state and I don't know where it's stemming from, or how I'd explain the feeling without knowing the cause.

Last night I went with Melissa to an elementary school she had to volunteer at. We had to watch the children of parent's attending the PTA meeting and we took the ones who wanted to play into the gym. We played an intense game of dodge ball, duck duck goose, on scooters (and I ended up having to pull everyone around for much of the time) and I was lucky enough to play ball with an adorable three year old named Madi Marie. The night made me realize something pretty huge, and that's how therapeutic it felt to me. Anytime I've been referred to as shy, or quiet or any of the like- they're wrong. I'm not shy. I'm not quiet. I have plenty to say, I have no problem doing what I want to do, being independent, saying what's on my mind. But I do have horrible social anxieties in some situations, and it's so difficult to push myself into any of those situations (because it physically makes me feel sick) that I have never, in the 20+ years I've been alive, done anything to try and change the way I am. Because I do function with it, but I do hold back because of it. I've gotten used to and accepted it, but last night just made me realize that it's possible to help myself. It's possible to change the way I've always been and work on it. And as crazy as it would seem to other people, something as simple as duck duck goose can be outrageously difficult for me internally. But working with kids, forced me to push myself through it and act like I was fine. Also it was just fun and different in general and basically I think I have a new interest to pursue, and it's even better that I think it's something that can help me as well.

The idea of doing things with myself here just aren't there. But once I move, the ideas become so much more real. Involvement, that's what my winter is going to be about. I plan on taking the first job that comes to me but continuing to look for something I'll hopefully actually enjoy (namely some kind of vegan establishment or cafe). I've already gotten ahold of the contact info for the Asheville Food Not Bombs chapter, found out you can volunteer at the co-op weekly and recieve 15% of your purchases, I plan on looking up how to volunteer at a local Boys and Girls Club or YMCA and I'm sure when I'm actually there more ideas will come to mind. I'm excited about doing or participating in something for the first time in a long time.

I spent a few nights in Middletown, and I packed up absolutely everything I own. For the first time, I think I'm serious. I needed a way to be, and found it, excited for my future. A point, a reason, a plan.
After volunteering last night Brett came over to Melissa's too and we had a typical taco night and laughed some and I felt alright.

My hope is back and I just need to sell my car, and leave.

02.

The amount I have to say seems to lessen as the air around me grows colder and I want to stay inside, keep to myself and push everything away. It already feels too much like winter and all I want is sunshine. Laying in the grass of some random state in my shorts and no shoes, but right now I have to figure out how to start a whole new life without blocking out the rest of the world instead like I would normally do when it gets cold. I'm absolutely terrified to go somewhere new, alone while it's cold. I need to be completely happy and content to make it work, and it's going to take so much effort to be in that place when I'm walking through a new city unable to feel my fingers and toes. I need someone, and I know who I want it to be. I hate that I feel like I need someone there to make it worth it. Someone to fill me with a little happiness. I've always said you don't find happiness in the forms of someone else, and if you do, then it's always going to suck when you're alone. But it's different with him. I don't want him to be my happiness, I just feel like I'll be so much more capable of this all if he's in my life. I put my heart in the mail, we'll see where things go.

But this fact is in general too. Not necessarily that I need someone, but just that I feel like if and when I do, there's an empty space where they belong. There's a difference between listening and genuinely caring. I've recently realized there's no one I completely trust. I don't trust that anyone I know wouldn't do something to benefit themselves regardless of if it's effect on me negatively. Even the people that are supposed to be closest to me are feeling strange and I don't like it at all, they're there but only to a certain extent. I'm falling apart and they're uninterested. There's this wall that goes up between us from time to time and I don't know how to break it down, other than just waiting for it to happen on it's own. It hurts my head.

As it goes every winter, I just want to cut myself off from everything and everyone. But this time it's different, this time it's time to leave and not just temporarily. I need to say goodbye to the mid atlantic and these people who make my heart hurt for quite some time. And if this really is home, then I'll be back. But for now it doesn't really feel like mine anymore and I'm going to search for that sense of home I remember so distantly; no matter how lonely and cold it gets. It's the only solution left I can think of to get this constant sick to my stomach state to fade.

01.

I'm sick and not mentally where I want to be at mentally at all.
All I want is to start something new and getting there feels like it's going to take so much. Not that I have a problem with working for what I want, I just have to find the energy. I know I shouldn't feel this way, but I feel very alone and I'm having trouble seeing a point in anything anyone does about anything ever.

I need to find a point to my life (or living in general?). I know that sounds horrible, but it's an overwhelming feeling I'm having trouble shaking. I know what it's like to feel the opposite of this, and I just need a reason to love my life again. And I think that reason is 500 miles in any other direction. Just not here.

I also keep questioning whether these (other kinds of) feelings are real. A few months ago I thought I was sure that I would never feel butterflies for someone again. Then in the last few weeks I proved myself wrong. I remembered what it's like to just want to spend so much time with someone and just feel crazy at the idea of seeing them. But you're 750 miles away and this is probably impossible and unrequited. But all I know is our time spent together ended far too fast and now just hearing your band is enough for me to know I want you around. Funny how some simple handwriting and words can change so much. I'm trying not to wonder where you are.

Nine

We left Florida at midnight Sunday night/Monday morning for the million hour drive home, and now that we're back it almost feels as if I dreamed the entire weekend; like it never even happened. It's honestly almost easier that way than accepting that it's over and I won't see those people or be in a Fest atmosphere for months and months from now. The post-fest depression keeps coming and going today, the drive home was really rough. There's really just so many emotions flying around that it's hard to talk about any of it, and it's worse than usual leaving the places and people where you feel most at home, how little or well you know them, and going back to "real life" and not even having a life to go back to. I've been talking about moving and figuring things out for awhile now but there's been time and things to do to keep putting it off. But for the first time I really don't have anywhere to go, any plans for months, etc. The easiest option would just be getting my money together, moving to Philly and getting a job and continuing on with the life I know now. But after being thrown back in with the life I feel at Fest (or any fest) I'm not so sure it's what I want or the decision I'm going to make. While I was in California I wanted nothing more than to come home, because home is better than there. But traveling and being gone and in places I enjoy myself remind me that there are places that are better than home, and that home is always going to be there. I feel like I need to go experience something new, especially now when I have no plans, obligations, responsibilities. And if it doesn't work out I can always retreat back to Philadelphia. But for now, I think it's better to just...leave.

Fest was absolutely amazing. It completely exceeded my expectations. Melissa, Brett, Sabrina and I got in my car Wednesday morning at 3 am after 2 hours of sleep and headed for Asheville. I was so, so tired but the drive took about 9 hours and was filled with a million bathroom stops, singalongs, coffee and random grocery stores with Daiya for $1.99. We got to Asheville around 2:30 pm and went on college visit around Warren Wilson. It's definitely in the back of my mind if I ever decide to go back, but Asheville in general is more on my mind than anything. We went on the tour, checked on their free store and then went into the city to get lunch/dinner at Rosetta's. We got back in the car around 6 and continued on to Atlanta, listening to Delilah. It took longer than expected, but we eventually made it there and got to Wonderoot and still saw Iron Chic and The Wild's set (and Dakota and KT and Dave and Kara and Mitch and Anthony and Diana and met Witt, Steve, etc). We were all so tired and delusional and having left home less than 24 hours before and suddenly being around so many great faces was all just so much. Melissa and Sabrina slept in my car and Dakota invited us to go get vegan chinese. It was like 3 am and I had been awake for such a long time but I really wanted to hang out and figured why not just keep going, so we did. The food was so good and it was interesting hanging out with so many people I didn't know. Everything is better far from home. "Too much" Around 4 am be got back to the "Frat Cave" and Johnny was nice enough to let us all bombard his room. Melissa and I shared the twin mattress and I probably fell asleep faster than I ever have.
She woke me up around 11 and we got ready and since Dakota was gone we figured we should go find food somewhere or something. (They had actually left to go get things for burritos for everyone! I felt so bad when I found out.) We drove around Atlanta for while and eventually ended up close to where we started at Village Pizza. Awesome vegan pizza. So much swampy. Caribou coffee. Awesome ATL graffiti. We decided not to back track to Athens, so I called Dakota and got the address for their show in Valdosta and slowly headed that way. We spent a year in Wal Mart "getting ready" like we have a million times before, and getting an oil change. I got bit by an ant (because for some reason this only happens to me in the south and I'm allergic or SOMETHING to the black ants there..?) and eventually we got to southern GA. The show was small, but I had a good time. Joe told me to move to Berea, and we all sat outside talking for awhile. The Wild is always fun, and Chicken Little was adorable. We decided just to drive the rest of the way to Gainesville that night and attempt to get an early check out at our hotel (ha!). So we said goodbye and we got into town around 3 am....and slept in my car in the parking lot.
Friday morning we didn't sleep in much because it got hot in the car, it was loud and bright outside. We ending up staking out in the parking lot for a few hours. Sitting in the sun on the asphalt, listening to music and sewing. Eventually we were able to check into our room and we got ready and went to get our wrist bands, then we drove down the street to this cute book store with a vegan cafe. I got a hummus wrap and Melissa got a Tempeh reuben sandwich and then we went back to the hotel to nap. We got back up around 8 pm, walked around Gainesville for awhile and then ran into Vicky!!!!!! Then we met Gary, Mariya and Miles and hung out for a bit. I saw like 3 songs of the Wild's set and eventually we walked down to Mikey Erg. I'm pretty sure Melissa and me were much more drunk that we realized. His set was so awesome, and afterwards we packed about 9 people in my car, eventually it dwindeld down to just 6 and we went to a warehouse/generator show a few miles away. I'm so glad we got to hang out with Vicky and Gary as much as we did this weekend. I can't wait to go visit them in Boston, they're some of my favorite people. We saw Grown Ups and Algernon and no matter that the sound was absolutely horrible, it was still a good time. We didn't get back to the hotel til close to 5 am.

We got a few hours of sleep and got ready for the longest day yet/of Fest. I left without Melissa and Brett because I wanted to get to Iron Chic. I met up with Dakota and Anthony in line, which ruled because I probably wouldn't have gotten in otherwise. Dakota's another person I got to hang out with a lot more than I expected and I'm really happy about that. Iron Chic was great in Atlanta, but they kind of blew my mind at Fest. SO GOOD. After their set, I hung out with Chrystina and Cody for a bit and waiting in line at 8 seconds with them for Dear Landlord, Paul Baribeau, Good Luck and Defiance, Ohio. Melissa met me inside and I sang a long to Paul, Good Luck was fun as always and I danced everything way to Defiance. Those sets weren't as AMAZING as last year, mostly because I thought the crowd was way too big and I didn't feel like dying in the front, but it was still fun as usual. After that we went out to a Pasta dinner and talked about how we were already so sad tomorrow was the last day. I felt like I was going to be sick. We went to the Max Levine Ensemble, and then I walked over to Toby and Theo with Dakota and his friend who's name I can't remember for the life of me. Theo's set was another one that stood out a lot for me. I'm surprised my arm isn't bruised from how hard I was gripping it during Blackbox. The crowd did the "daaaaa da da da daaaa"'s like in the pink couch sessions version of the song and I can't explain how much it meant. Vicky and Gary told me to move to Boston and Alexis told me I'm moving to Kentucky. I want to cry just thinking about much I like these friends best. Toby, Theo and Ryan played a bunch of songs together too and the last song they played, a new Toby Foster song, was seriously overwhelming. After those sets, we sat outside of Reggae Shack for awhile while Brett did sketchy shit and went back to the hotel for a few hours. Around 1:30 am we headed back downtown, picked up Gary, Vicky and Alexis and went to another warehouse/generator show. Saw Paint It Black, and the cops came. We ended up at Checkers after driving around looking for food for awhile. Gary and I found out we grew up in the same part of California and have mutual friends- so weird. We got in around 5 am again and got a few hours of sleep before checking out.
We cleaned and got ready, regretfully checked out and went to see the Dopamines. After their set Melissa and I went to get Burritos and cried about leaving. We saw Steve from the Sidekicks play solo and then went to the Venue for Lemuria and the Menzingers. I really don't like Lemuria live. However, I'm pretty sure the Menzingers was my favorite set of the weekend. We stayed out of the crowd, screaming along until they played Sunday Morning and then ran out in the crowd. Someone suddenly picked my up from behind and threw me up in the air and I got to crowd surf; it was perfect. After their set Melissa and I ran some errands and then I went to Eric Ayotte. "Festin'!" After his set, I decided not to stay for David Dondero because I was feeling ridiculously low knowing goodbyes were coming soon. I walked to Dakota to the Venue and said bye to him. I walked down the street and sat alone for awhile feeling a little overwhelmed. Eventually I met up with Melissa and Brett and we walked around for a bit, eventually ending up with Vicky, Gary, Alexis and the like. We sat around a parking lot for a bit before saying bye. I wasn't letting myself acknowledge what goodbye meant though. We waited around to see if the show I heard about at the Holiday Inn was going on, but it didn't happen. So around midnight we met back up with Sabrina and Kiko and headed home.
We drove through the night, listening to ghost stories on the radio, everyone sleeping and me crying and hallucinating, eventually the sun started to come up and I had Melissa drive for a few hours. We napped at a rest area for a few hours and continued on. The drive went by surprisingly fast, and later that afternoon we got vegan chinese in Richmond. Honestly probably the best vegan chinese I've had....ever. We finally got back to Delaware almost 24 hours later and it was so, so cold.

As I said before Fest exceeded my expectations. I actually really enjoy not getting too excited/not having high expectations because whenever I don't, I'm always sosososo pleasantly surprised. So many 420's, speaking spanish all weekend and laughing until I cry, tigers jaw cover bands, favorite bands, brett always being sneaking and hating him for it, haunted hotel rooms, Theo's southern accent?, the clogged toilet, "bags", constant state of puke, fucking the system (my car..), developing a ridiculous crush and remembering what that's like, Art and Delilah, AYUDA!!! NO PUEDO!, the drunk guys that got in my car, the girl in the squat that got SO mad and so much that I'm leaving out or forgetting.

It's going to be a long time before I'm that happy again. I miss everthing and everybody so much.

And now what?