It starts now.

When I was 15 I didn't have the necessarily best taste in music. I adored Fueled by Ramen bands, and Warped Tour had a very special place in my heart. My dreams consisted of working a warped tour and jumping in a big white van with friends to go on tour. Although things are very different now, one of those dreams never changed. Going on tour has always been the one thing I've wanted more than anything in the world, something I've spent so many years hoping for. And now almost 5 years later, it's happening. The van might be green instead of white, but tomorrow morning I leave for a 3 week tour with Cut Short, some of my best friends. I am so excited. I've been home from California for less than 24 hours, and I unpacked all my things just to wash them and pack again. I am living everything I ever wished on stars for. You're watching live the life I spent so many years reaching blindly for, and now it's all in front of me. You might not see my intentions clearly, but I know how to live. Really fucking live. And that's all that matters. Day 1 in Virginia Beach, VA here we come.

I miss you more than usual these days.

March 2009

March is always a really good month for me.
Road trip after road trip after road trip, with Garrett every weekend.
Helped Tyler move and pack and searched all over Newark for boxes all week. Snow storm, missed a show in Doylestown and worried about the boys all night. Slept over at Stacy's and she tried to kill us driving to Wal-Mart in it, colored and played guitar hero.

Pouted when she wouldn't go outside and play with me, tried to convince Andrew and Tom to come over but Tom was driving to Middletown drunk. Had a sleepover with Amy and Melissa for Amy's birthday, went to taco bell, almost cried driving up there in the left over snow, and watched Mean Girls. Went to the mall and had taking back sunday singalongs the next day, out to nice lunch at Applebee's with just mfd. Saw Title Fight and Fireworks in Baltimore at ccas with Tyler, Andrew, and Garrett. I remember feeling like there's no other 3 boys I'd ever rather be anywhere with. I found a piece of myself at that show that I had been missing when I actually got into the crowd. A bunch of cars on the street got their windows hit out by a baseball bat. People suck, Baltimore is scary. After we got home we went to get coffee on main st and got into one of the most awkward situations, that was actually pretty hilarious. "THAT'S MY GRANDMA!" Saw Paint It Black and Propaghandi the next night in Baltimore with Joey. Cut Short played UD, so much drama that night. I went to Tyler's before the show to hang out, he made me tea and we stood in his kitchen talking. I think then is when I realized that that friendship is forever. Went to the show, I loved shows like that when EVERYONE is there, then everyone went to eagle diner. I remember somehow getting to Middletown in 18 minutes that night, meeting up with Melissa and Andrew, and eating Apple Jacks and watching youtube videos until like 4 am. That was one of the best nights of the year for me.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vuSERHqzKwI

I saw Watchmen with Garrett, and went to Wilkes-Barre, PA with him the next night for Title Fight, Balance and Composure, and Tigers Jaw. "I can't tell you how happy it makes me to finally have a friend like Garrett who'll drive ridiculously far distances to see bands we were/are completely likely to see again, just BECAUSE. I've needed someone like that for awhile." Saw Defeater in Philly with him and Bill for free, and bought a hot chocolate from a really mean man. Went to The Outlander's show and hung out with Lauren and surprised everyone with my hair.

UNITED. BLOOD. FEST.
That easily defines more of March than anything else, and is a major highlight of my year. Went with Garrett and Brian, left early Friday morning to head to Richmond, Virginia, checked into our ridiculously nice hotel, and went to day 1. Saw Mother of Mercy, Foundation, Title Fight, and a million other bands and got kicked in the face too many times. Hung out with Max, Joey, Ben, and Josh too all weekend. Got offered a free hookah at dinner, funny since everyone there was straight edge. Saturday/Day 2 I stood in one spot on the balcony for 10 hours because I wasn't trying to get kicked in the face 43098 times again. I couldn't open my mouth after getting kicked in the jaw during TF. Saw Forfeit, watched the bottom floor get mopped for 2 hours after the pipes burst

and mainly avoided Colin from COA's stare all day and waited patiently for the headlining bands later that night. Screamed my heart out to Ceremony and Blacklisted, and was literally shaking and speechless after Converge. Couldn't feel my legs after literally standing in the same spot all day. Left for home. Started hating Brian. Freaked out driving through DC cause I thought it was so cool and both the boys were asleep. Got home at like 6 am, realized the whole weekend only cost me like $30, and woke up and picked up Garrett and Tyler and went to Philly to see Converge again. So amazing, sososo amazing. I remember waking up the next morning already nostalgic, something changed in me that weekend and I haven't been the same since. I can't wait til this years.


I also dyed my hair dark this month right before UBF!


edit: this also happened in march

February 2009

As far as I can tell or remember, I went from being excited about the year and happy to completely and totally miserable. I do now blame the weather for this. Every year, these few terribly cold months go pretty unremembered because I block most of it out. The idea of Florida in the winter becomes more and more real every day. Anyways the few days I can still grasp from last Feb-

The month started off waking up in Philly. Punk Rock Flea Market with Stace at the electric factory. It was ridiculously crowded, but I did find a few cool things like season 1 of pete & pete on dvd, and a screen printed poster from a mewithoutYou and Sparta show I went to in early 2007. I ran into Brittany-who had yet to become a good friend, as well as Max, Joey, and Ben. Cut Short played the grange that afternoon. There was the night Melissa and me hung out and decided to finish off the pictures on my disposable camera and get it developed.

And the second jersey trip with Cut Short, realizing again how much fun show's at AJ's house were. Devil's road trip with Melissa and Tiffany, went to concord mall, got dinner at Charcoal pit. I think we thought a guy/tow truck driver was trying to kidnap up at mcdonalds when we stopped to pee. This can explain my mentality that night: "Flying kites. Riding spaceships. Newark with Melissa, ya know?" This is honestly all I remember of February, other than sitting home, not leaving the house except going to yoga/the gym a lot, and being pretty miserable over irrational fears of losing friendships that weren't even close to being lost. I hate when I get like that for periods of time and let days and weeks of my life go to waste. Oh well, February 2009- I will not repeat you.

I feel like this night deserves recognition too. I'm just not sure exactly when it took place. Sometime between Jan 15th and Feb 7th. Hung out at Andrew's with him, Melissa, and Nick. Seriously out of our minds. Attempted to go to taco bell, decided to go to waffle house instead got seated then left, ended up at taco bell again. Finally understood Algernon's lyrics, and slapped legs with Nick. Andrew kept seeing aerosmith and made up this fucking terrfying/hilarious song dance thing. I love that night a lot.

"I couldn't talk to save my life."

I sabotage my own future every time I let an opportunity to get closer to the life I want pass me by because I can't bring myself to find words. And I can't stop beating myself up about it, ever.

2009- January

Welcomed in new years, with the best new years I've ever had. It's so strange to think I'm not 'friends' with any of those people anymore. Not to say it's anyones fault or bad, things just change, people grow apart. The party I met up with Alex at, Keith breaking Veronica's nose, leaving with Joanna and ending up at Harvey's with a million people. Huge dance party and everyone singing Kanye, random delicious drinks/orange soda 4 me. Poz got wine all over the wall, and Amy was my new years kiss.

Cut Short, every weekend. The legendary (at least to us) jersey trip/show at AJ's. Tyler was in the air more than on the ground the entire night. Everyone was so happy, I got pulled into a circle pit and sprained my ankle. I sat outside freezing my feet off so Eddie bought me a coffee. Totally earned my place as merch girl. The sonic afterwards, Eagle diner back at home. This:


I finally bought an ipod, and left to go on a spontaneous trip to Arizona to visit Cecily and Kellie for a week or so. Cecily kicked me out, and I went to a party and actually had fun, and went with Brian and hung out at this tattoo shop in Bullhead all dayy. I spent 12 hours in the Vegas airport at one point and this indian boy tried to get me to come stay at his house for the night.

Saw City & Colour with Tyler, Zoe, and Amy in Philly and froze to death. OH YEAH, and this was during the time when my heater was 'broken' in my car so driving places was hell. I went to Just Surrender and Houston Calls at the grange (haha) cause Brodie was on tour with them and got me in for free to hang. Cut Short played in Doylestown and I drove in the snow with Tyler and Andrew. Tom and Jeremy followed us up, we all got lost, and Tom was my hero for fixing my windshield wipers. I almost died on the way home because the fog was so thick. Stacy and me baked and decorated gingerbread cookies while she was still home for Christmas break and played guitar hero for hours and hours and hours.

Melissa and me drove to Harve de Grace for no reason, and saw a really cool asian restaurant on the way home that we never did try. I'm pretty sure this was a time in my life where frequent late night hangs at Andrew F's occured with him and mfd. Went to Doylestown for Title Fight and Balance and Composure with Garrett and Tyler, oh the times when no one knew them. Paulson played the grange and it was a dance party as usual. I miss that. I remember after that show I came home and ended up going back out around 1 am with Andrew F and Melissa and driving around Middletown. I remember loving just getting home and getting a call to come get in the car.

The last weekend in January, I think could be considered the night Stacy became my best friend again. I went up to Philly for the Punk Rock Flea Market. Stace and me went to try and get my tattoo and it didn't happen but we sat in Starbucks on South St forever just talking and laughed so hard- to quote my blog from that weekend "talking and laughing harder than I've laughed in awhile" This never fails to come out of my mouth after hanging out with her. I love my best friend so much. 3 and a half years, and we just keep getting closer. We baked peanut butter and jelly cookies and watched Step Brothers. That night meant a lot to me, we laid in bed at 3 am listening to Bon Iver and talking about summer and naps on the beach.

The next morning was February.

dec 07

This is the first time I've listened to Algernon in a good 6 months not hating it. I hate missing 2008 when these bands were all our little secrets and those memories that I can't let go no matter how different things get.

002.

This is the first time I've come back to California since moving that I'm not miserable. But that feeling actually alarms me. Because nothing amazing has been happening here, nothing to make me NOT miss home. So why don't I want to go back right this minute?

I don't miss anything. I just miss Philadelphia. Delaware has my heart, but I think being back there has made me realize even more that my time to leave already came. It's be fine in small doses, it's just time for my next step. I took one but it wasn't the right one. Of course I miss Tyler and Zoe and Stace and Andrew..but that feeling is no different than what I was feeling there. Because I've only seen Zoe once since mid november and now, and I hadn't really seen anyone except at Blacklisted the day before I left, since I've been stuck in Middletown with no money.

I guess I just feel really detached.. and the changes going on around the people and places I call my life are just too much for me to handle or accept. I've been playing around with a bunch of options in my mind, but now more than ever I just need to be back in the city. Especially when I come back to a cold winter, I don't know if I'll make it otherwise. Hopefully I'll talk to Liz today about getting a place with her, Lauren, Ryan, and Serena.

001.

Today I bought Rogue States by Noam Chomsky, a book written kind of zine formatted, it's untitled and anonymous, and Choke by Chuck Palanuik for $5 because I've yet to read anything by him. I also picked up a some little free anarchist newspaper at the Wooden Shoe, and Stacy's letting me borrow Franny and Zooey by JD Salinger. I found Slaughterhouse Five (by Kurt Vonnegut) again finally because I missplaced it, so I can start over with that too.

If my mission of making California fun/enjoyable for once fails, at least I can take to sitting outside in the semi-decent (aka above 50 and not too cold to stand) weather and read until I come home.

I also needed some sort of smaller convenient duffle bag to take on tour, and I found one for 90 cents in a little thrift store in West Philly tonight. It says Jimbo on it. I guess today wasn't bad.


There is so much more to say, but I can't say anything because I'm stuck in this little bad mood and can't get out, no matter how much I want to. Why don't I have control over that? I also can't sleep, but that's nothing new.