and on and on and on and on

I wasn't sure if I should wait to write about this entire trip until I got home, but I'm feeling so overwhelmed in so many ways (and have some time to kill while Melissa and Brett nap, before a secret Paint It Black show at 2 am) that I suppose I'll attempt to start now.

It's inevitable that if I don't let myself have expectations, they're always exceeded. Fest has been absolutely great. Great to the point where we still have so much fun to have tonight and all day tomorrow, but I feel sick just thinking about leaving. I haven't been quite so physically exhausted in some time but it's worth it. There's nothing I love more than how days are spent places like this, to quote Melissa, "I just keep thinking 'I wish this was real life'". Every day, forever. There is no where I feel more at home, no people that mean more, no where I'm more accepted and wanted. These familiar faces that I don't get to see often enough, dancing around to my favorite bands and sitting in the sun. It's absolutely disappointing to go back home, knowing the people you want in your life, the people you've met that are worth knowing, are so far away and there's nothing you can do about it, until the next time. But at least there's a next time, and if ever there's not, if this ever ends, I truly believe I'd be losing the one thing that means the most to me and there would be nothing to still want to live for. I go away for a week at a time, and get to spend time wandering around with the best people I know; friends from Boston, Atlanta, Lexington, etc and I wonder why everyone doesn't just get it.

I go home, and I have some attachments there, but I understand why it feels so distant now. I get it, and the old friends don't. But every once in awhile I get to be somewhere where I'm surrounded by the ones that do and it's worth everything it takes out of you, or you put in. And the idea of leaving it honestly becomes painful. But I'm grateful it all exists.

232

Of course just a few hours later, things take a drastic turn. Melissa and Brett drove back to Philly, and picked me up around 8:30 we basically loitered outside the show at the Dollhouse and went to the show a few blocks East that Dennis put on. We had to leave before Menzingers but saw The Measure [SA] and a few of Glocca Morra's set and it was still nice to be out, laughing with my best friends (and realizing for the millionth time how embarrassing we are/why we only hang out with each other; "B-I-N-G-O") and not feeling awkward, standing around different sweaty houses (and lovin' that familiar crust smell). I like my city, I'll be okay. I also feel like I live here again already, it's funny to go home to an empty house and cook for myself and go sit on my bed and eat it. Although I was basically terrified the entire time I was alone, which proves my theory that I couldn't live alone even when I think about it or if I really wanted to; unless I had 8 or more locks on my door, and no windows.

I'm going to get coffee with Stace later, then tomorrow I'm going to talk to Liz about moving in their place/checking it out, applying at the school district and going down to Delaware to start preparing to leave Tuesday. I CAN'T BELIEVE FEST IS FINALLY HERE.

What it is, is that,

I need something new. The old is good enough, but going back to the "same old thing" just leaves a space empty for something.
Too many emotions, all of the time.

23

Last Night was Tigers Jaw at The Fire. I went and met up ("surprised") Melissa, Brett, Joanna, Zoe, Ashley, Casey and Chris. Nora was there, that was exciting. As was Mitch- someone I met at Crucial Fun. I also Met Hunter and saw/said hi to DJ, Vinny and Adam. As horrible as it could sound, it's nice to be somewhere people know me again. I don't feel like I need to be a center of attention or known or anything like that, it's just nice. I guess it's what makes home feel more like home.

Stacy and I also went to Grindcore house yesterday (an all vegan cafe/coffe house), I have a feeling I'm going to spend a lot of my winter here. (I'm here right now, it's so awesome to be able to have somewhere to go, get a vegan chai latte, use their wifi, write and read all while Fugazi or Doomriders is playing over the speakers.

After the show, there was about a hundred parties going on and Brett, Melissa and I couldn't decide what to do for the life of us. We ended up getting dropped off in West Philly and when it came down to it we stood around talking to Steph and Brie for about an hour outside Pilam, freezing. Then walked the rest of the way to 49th and Baltimore, got tofu from Lucky's and spent the night at Melissa's sister & her boyfriend's apartment. The ground we slept on was like concrete, but I think I love that after all the random places we've slept and traveled over summer..I think we could fall asleep anywhere and I was just really happy to be warm.

I have the worst blisters in the world on my feet right now, my legs are actually sore from biking all over the place (speaking of which..I need to get all the way to Trader Joe's to see if it still exists) and my knee is ridiculous swollen, I have no idea why. I'm back at Chrystina's in South Philly now and I'm not quite sure I have it in me to walk anywhere else today. Mostly because I think my feet will start bleeding or just fall off. There's about another 100 shows/parties again tonight, but all the plans kind of fell apart. Mostly because I'm feeling a little down, I shouldn't be, but I'm not even going to complain about it because I'm waiting for it to pass. That stupid perpetual searching for something more feeling. Never content. I hate the cold.

21

Wednesday night after no sleep and 12 hours of traveling (+3 hours added onto the clock) later, I found myself wandering around the too familiar Suburban Station in Center City Philadelphia. The overwhelming stench of urine has either gotten worse or after 2 months of fresh air I was just that unadapted to something that's been so familiar to me the past 4 years. I won't lie, I teared up a little when we came flying over the skyline and I knew I was in the place I love most again. It's not an overwheming excited or strange feeling to be home, because the little things that make it exciting are the little things. It's also more so just plain overwhelming. After laying around my mom's house for 6 weeks, it's like having to readapt to my life. To feel and remember my life and never having to let anyone know what I'm doing and being completely on my own, all that became foreign. To readjust to having the people I love most around and live in this constant state of hanging out. "Hanging out is what we do best."

I've been (and will be until the night before leaving for Fest) "squating" in Chrystina's mostly empty house on 29th and Wharton. I've got my own room and free reign and it's so nice to feel like I'm living in the city again. Last night we walked back from the train station, it was so cold. We made Pb&js, watched Law&order on a make shift couch and I passed out around 10 completely exhausted. I slept until one this afternoon and then headed to center city. Despite my "working out" and running a mile every night while in California, the massive amount of walking I do in the city takes just as much readapting to as everything else. I'm not complaining though, it's one of the things I love most; constantly roaming and wandering around. I walked the 40 minutes from Chrystina's to Rittenhouse and got coffee and used the internet at Barnes and Noble while I waited for Stacy to get out of class. I met up with her and we walked to South Street and got vegan Pizza at Blackbird. Walking in a first I missed Gianna's and the millions of old show flyers that lined the wall (the Philly-ness it had), but sitting in there eating our huge slices I decided it's really awesome to have a new all vegan pizzeria/a new vegan place in general in Philly. Stacy paid for everything as a welcome home gift (which has to seem a lot longer of a time I was gone to her because we haven't hung out since JUNE, but thankfully things will always be great between us and we're back and better than ever and I'm so excited to hang out all the time again) and we walked around for awhile afterwards. It's also taking me getting used to being in the city and seeing people I know everywhere again. It's strange how used to constantly being alone/not knowing anyone anywhere I became. Since she got a new bike, and had her old, extra one sitting in the closet at her apartment she's letting me borrow it for the rest of the time I'm here since I'm staying so far south! And then until I get the money from my car and can buy myself something good. Biking through the city was harder than it looks, not because of cars and what not but because it's totally a work out! The hill on 21st and Market was almost the death of me. But I think I'll soon fall in love with it. The tires could also use some air, I think that would make my situation a lot better itself. Just before parting with Stace we ran into Chrystina and Dylan by Logan Fountain so I hung out with them there for awhile and eventually Chrystina and I biked back to her place. She made food and we listened to the Ergs! and I read both the Fall and Winter series of Mouse Guard. IT IS SO GOOD. All the other comics/graphic novels I've read up until now have been about humans and well, life. So I was skeptical of mice from 1152 fighting off the bad guys, but now I'm going to have to totally give super hero type comics and the like another chance. Chrystina's stacked a whole bunch of other zines and things in "my room" too, which is so awesome.

It's really nice to have a life again, I'm even more excited for tomorrow than anything. I'm waking up and biking to apply for some jobs, meeting up with Chrystina and going to get vegan noms from Grindcore House, reading in the park until Stacy gets out of work and then getting more coffee with her until 4, biking back to the house and dropping off the bike and heading to North Philly to see Tigers Jaw AND MY BEST FRIENDS. Brett and Joanna have found out I'm home (Brett knew because he dreamed about it....freak) and I'm (hopefully) surpring Melissa! I think if anything actually makes me realize I'm home and for it to hit me, it'll be seeing them AS WELL AS GOING TO THE FIRST SHOW I'VE BEEN TO SINCE AUGUST. And if it does hit me, I might start crying while hugging the very closest friends to my heart.

I'm so excited for everything right now. LIFE. I think I've found a place to live, and all I need is for a job to fall into place. The rest of the weekend is going to rule and the Fest trip is so soon and I won't even get into how amazing that plan is right now.

It's almost 4 am and my alarm is set for 9, the whole sleeping 15 hours last night thing is fucking me up. But I can't fall asleep for anything. Oh well, not being able to sleep at least got me a cute text from the person I wanted a cute text from.

"Is it impossible, friend? Is it only a dream to find truth in the visions you see? Or to believe the love that I'm waiting for is somewhere waiting for me? Well maybe the way to get what you want is to stop waiting for it to show up."

most

ridiculous crushes, going home and the weird new feeling of talking myself out of things/calming myself down and out of this perpetual feeling of puking and stress.

i can last a little longer, only because I know i only have a little longer to last.
and although it doesn't feel like it'll end by going back to my life, it will.

But

I forget that I'm not that person anymore, and I've just gotten way too used to being alone and I'm going to go home and cry when I see all my friends again and live my life again and it's going to be GREAT.

am

On the bright side, my expectations are always exceeded because they're so low to begin with.

003.

I want to go home.
I want to be home and available for my best friend when she needs me. It kills me that I'm here instead.
I want to go back to MY life that I am fully capable of living on my own, taking care of myself and not having to explain my reasoning for any actions, talking about what I'm going to do or having to tell anyone my plans. Let me be twenty. I've been on my own for long enough now to know how to be.
I want to not feel like I'm going to throw up over stupid social anxieties where I worry and stress myself over potential friendships and friendships with people I haven't even met yet. This is nothing new, but I feel so sick thinking about all the friendships and relationships I am going to ruin and continue to ruin because I can't control how I'm going to act in any given situation. I can't speak, I can't give people the chance to get to know me, I can't be lively and interesting. I have no control over it.
I want to not feel like I'm going to throw up over developing a crush on someone through their hand writing, and knowing that I will more than likely blow it and not even end up good friends with this person.
The idea of going home and going to Fest and living my life again are supposed to be good thoughts, happy thoughts. But instead all I can think about is how disappointed I'm going to be in myself when I see everyone I want to get to know hanging out and not being able to be a part of it. I feel so sick to my stomach over it.
I want to feel like my life is going somewhere and even if it doesn't that I did everything I wanted to do and had the time of my life and made a difference and lived out everything I was supposed to.

I just want to go home. My home.
I'm here in my mother's house with my family, but this isn't my home.
My home is on the city streets with my best friends.
They are my family and the mid-atlantic is my home.

I don't want to feel lost. I want to feel free and weightless again.

one thing

I've always said the only thing that truly matters to me is being a good friend. I feel like as all people change (hopefully for the better) and grow up, the things you care about are going to become more and more apparent through your personality and actions as youthful selfishness disappears. Unfortunately some people are always going to be selfish, but hopefully the ones with good hearts and intentions eventually shine through and realize what's right and important. I feel like every day the past few years, I've realized little by little more and more what's really important and who I want to be as a person and how exactly to BE that person and show it. Especially in this past year, even more specifically the past 6 months, I've become much more capable of showing how much I care and really understood just how much being a good friend matters to me.

In the past few days I've had a handful of people come to me and tell me that I am one of the few people they actually trust in their lives, who they can rely on. (One of these people, most importantly, was my very best friend. She confined in me that I am one of 3 people she trusts in the world and knows would actually be there for her, anytime. The other two people being her very own mom and sister. Yes, you should always be able to trust your best friend. But it's amazing what two unrelated people can mean to each other when it becomes a whole different level of trust.)

It's these people that have made me realize that at the very least, I've been successful at being a good friend and person.
And that's all I've ever wanted. And if that's all I ever really, truly accomplish, that's fine by me.

Also, I laid in the sun outside for a few hours today. It’s been warm again, in the 80s. I’m determined to stay as tan as I can until I go home and am forced to live the reality of what season it actually is, and inevitably have to let go of summer. However, lying there I got really sweaty and smelly and the scent reminded me of summer. Feeling free, laying in various grass fields in various states, no cares. And I missed summer. And I miss it probably more than I have ever missed another memory.

Those days feeling like you’re from another planet. Disconnected from everyone that doesn’t get it.

002.

I can always feel when one is coming and one is going.
When one is ending and one is starting over.

It's always the two of you and it'll always be the two of you.
I don't really have the say in the matter, so it's hard to say how I feel.
It wasn't that long ago that I realized the pattern, and I just don't think it's something anyone can help.

Also, this is what my life has become.


I received a really nice letter and mix cd in the mail from Dakota yesterday.
I've written him back probably the longest letter I've ever written anyone.

I fly home in about two weeks, the place that is. Because once again I am "homeless" (in the idea that home is a house) and couch crashing. But if that's what it takes to feel free, then I'll choose it forever.
I'm selling my car after Fest, then once I have that money I'll decide where to go. I'm choosing wherever is easiest (being stress free) and falls into place. Because if my live has proven or taught me anything it is ALWAYS to choose that option. Because it will always happen. "Everything will always falling right into place."

Better than this.

"WE MUST LEARN TO LET GO OF WHAT HURTS, OR INSIDE IT BURNS AND BURNS"

Hey, "Everything will be ok. Everything will always be ok."

001.

Constant mixed feelings.
Free and alone.
Summertime, wintertime, the same time, all the time.

Thunder in a place it doesn't thunder, old friends, too many card games (too much beer).