Bloodlust.

I've been working on a really long entry, documenting everything that's happened since the last time I really wrote. Maybe I'll post it at some point, or maybe I'll keep it as a draft. Looking back there's only a few things that really truly matter. I need to get those out now.

Sunday night I saw Kid Dynamite. My knee still hurts too much to put any weight on it, the muscles in my upper arms are either pulled or something is sprained, my lip is really fucked up. Being in a sea of people's sweat, not eating and walking in and out of such drastically different temperatures fucked with my immune system and I caught whatever was going around at TIH, I've been in bed the past 2 days. It was and is still, all worth it. I have never had that much fun during a band's set before. I don't think seeing any other band has ever meant as much. They were the first band who's reunion meant so, so much to me, being that they've been one of my favorite bands for quite some time now. Their set was so long, and they played so many songs. I spent so much time in the air crowd surfing and stage diving, and I never do that. Guys just kept picking me up and throwing me into the crowd and I sung my heart out to the songs that have meant so much in making me who I've become. So many WHOA'S, so many smiling faces. I'll never forget getting Chrystina's text message while I was in Kentucky, gasping, running outside and calling Andrew in tears. And it really lived up to everything it was supposed to be. It was all surreal and afterwards I left and walked straight to my car alone because I was so overwhelmed that I knew I couldn't talk to anyone.

The weekend of TIH 2010, definitely ruled. That might be an understatement.

However I haven't felt 100% like myself lately, the happiness I've felt all summer hasn't totally been there. I know it'll come back, but it's been a struggle getting through without it. So many things have been coming together, things that are honestly a little mind blowing. It makes too much sense and no sense all at once.

I've been missing something lately as well. It's been so fucking present. Just looming overhead. I don't know if it's a specific person, or just a feeling. The feeling of really, truly being cared for. I've been totally fine with out it, and I always believe that if you're waiting for it- it won't come. But I just feel this total absence and my mind wanders and it hasn't been good. I keep thinking about memories I thought I was done thinking about. This, combined with being totally scared and hesitant to leave in a few days has, for lack of better words, left me feeling totally fucked up. It's a little much to handle and I feel a little lost. A little overwhelmed.

I know soon enough I'll be on the bus on a 14 hour ride to Kentucky, and once I cross enough state lines, I'll be back and I'll feel totally fine.
That's really all it takes for me. A little distance and unfamiliarity. That and time. Time, time, time.


"I'm knocking on your window, please let me, please let me in."