I no longer believe in friends.


To be completely honest though, it's been kind of strange recently. The people who's lives I haven't been a part of and the people who want me in their lives are the opposites of what you'd think.

Everyday is one more day with out you forever.
Everyday is one more day that I hope I'm closer to seeing you again.

Circa Survive at the fucking first unitarian church. Where I stood on stage and dance and sang my whole fucking soul out less than 6 inches away from Colin, the bassest with Anthony singing less than 3 feet away. It was surreal, and I've never felt like that before. It was different than any other feeling a show has ever given me.

Tonight was one of the best experiences of my entire life. And for once, I'm glad I was alone.



....
My heart isn't broken and I'm not dead.

We talked about forever and all those other useless words.

This is the first time I've realized how much I miss our friendship. And now I'm crying. It's just of hard to go from being joined at the hip to barely even talking to someone. I think out of all the "best" friends I've had here, I was most attached to you, closest with you. I wish I could tell you this and I wish you'd feel the same.

I miss you, I miss when it was just us.
Life felt kind of exciting then.
Life felt like there was something to look forward to.
I was once needed.
I was once important.

Voicing your opinion is very different than complaining.

I don't miss anyone. I think that's a little odd. I feel so much tension and aggression towards everyone lately. I know I don't honestly feel this way, but I lay around feeling like I don't care about one single person, let alone anything. Feeling this way for months on ends is taking a toll. I don't feel like seeing anyone, but I'm still holding it against you every day my phone doesn't ring. Every night you have an amazing time and don't think you invite me along. To my surprise though, the people I do feel like seeing are probably the ones you'd least expect.

Also, I've come to the realization that while I sit here feeling like my life is just slipping through my hands and passing me by, I feel like this is it. Like I'll never live that life I want, Like the way I feel now is how it's going to be from here on out.When in reality, I'm 18. I have a whole lot of time left to just live. It'd be a lot different if I was 29 and this unhappy.

To be honest, it's because I'm here..simply waiting. Just waiting for the next few months to get over with so I can proceed with moving on.


I want to get out of here bases solely on the fact that I want to forget about all of you.
I want to forget about all of you, so I can stop feeling like you've forgotten about me.

Sing me anything.

Most of my past, be it 2 years ago, 4 years ago, or 10 years ago..feels like an entire different life. I remember times from back then, but I can't connect with them like I used to be able to. But lately, I've realized there's part of my past that I haven't yet let go of. That I still talk and think about as if they're still current in my life. I don't know if that's a good or bad thing, or if it doesn't even matter at all.

More than anything, I've come to realize that I still talk about Ashley as if she's still a huge part of my life. When in reality, I've seen her once for about 12 hours in the past two years. In those two years we'll go a few months at a time where we call each other and talk once in awhile..but most of the time she could be dead and I'd have no idea. I call her now, and she doesn't answer or return my phone calls. It makes me so fucking sad, because without realizing it before, she's still such a huge part of who I am. I find myself constantly imaging my life with her in it while I'm on long drives home by myself. I miss having that best friend feeling. I've had and have tons of "best friends" here, but it's rare when I feel so close to someone that they're my family and my equal. The only two people I've ever been that way with are Cecily and Ashley, and while Cecily was my best friend in the entire world, Ashley was my sister. Ashley was around a whole lot longer. I just wish she still was. And it's got me wondering if I'm going to be thinking about her for the rest of my life, or if she'll come back sometime.

As detached from my past as I feel the majority of the time, theres those little pieces that I can't seem to let go of.

I'm almost proud of myself. That "anniversary" came and went, and I didn't notice at all. Actually, they both did...It's been a long, long time. We're two different people, this grudge I hold barely even exsists anymore despite what I tell people. I honestly do wonder what would happen if I took it a step further, and actually proceeded to not totally ignore your exsistance next weekend. It's pure curiousity, it wouldn't matter either way. We're a piece of eachother's past, I just can't help but be curious about all could be's in any situation, this one included. This is just what comes of knowing we'll be in the same place at the same time, and wondering if any awkwardness with ensue.

"Did you forget that yellow bird? How could you forget your yellow bird?"
One morning, I'll wake up having a reason to feel like even waking up at all.

a few more hours.

I used to be fun. I used to be someone people always wanted around. I used to be funny. I used to make everyone laugh. I used to feel full of life, now I'm empty. I used to find joy in little things, and it didn't take much. Now I can't remember the last time I felt like anything mattered. I used to love living. I used to be a person worth knowing.

In all honesty, I wish I was seven again. At least back then, life was so easy. Not to mention, I had a definite best friend and more importantly, I had a family. I had the family that I know, not this broken home I've been left with for the past three and a half years. I wonder, am I ever going to get over this? Or is this how I'm going feel, who I'm going to be, from here on out. I can't live with out feeling something more than this. I can't live with out love. I'm so sick of thinking these same thoughts, night after night. I'm so sick of feeling like there's not heart inside of me to do any loving at all. I want to feel normal again, I want to not feel like a mess that I don't have the ability to clean up.

This is not okay. It'll never be okay with out you, I don't want to fucking miss you anymore. I don't want to ignore my current life because I'm too busy looking at these pictures reaching for something that'll never be within my reach again. I'm sick of this missing and longing feeling being the only thing that's felt at all.

I have to stop staying up this late. No good ever comes of it.

"What part of clinging to the same trends makes sense to a girl who criesat least twice a day because she's unhappy?"