little did you know

One thing I will always like about myself is the fact that I don't always need to be doing something exciting with a lot of people to have a good night. Last night Sascha, Cam and I were walking from downtown to Pearson trying to decide what to do with our Friday night and there was nothing going on and Sascha said "What a shitty Friday night" he took it back a minute later, but that made me remember and realize that I'm completely content not doing so much as long as I'm in good company.

I got $8 from strangers, we got more drunk and ended up watching Arrested Development at Pearson with Hayes, Mari, Downsterica and Spencer until like 1 in the morning.

Today we got a letter from our rental company that was letting us know the police notified them about those complaints a few weeks ago and that if it continues they'll file with the county to have us evicted. It was a little shocking how all of us weren't overly upset with the idea- but we acknowledged that that's only because it's so warm and the idea of not having to work and getting to leave to travel is so tempting. Cam invited me to travel to Maine with him last night and that is so tempting as well. It's a good thing we love this house so much because I know if we didn't we'd all give into that all too familiar urge to take off in a heart beat.

Things are pretty swell again, however I'm starting to do that thing that I do when I get what I want and then question whether I really want it, I can't let this go that easily though so I'm going to ignore it and be happy I have someone that kisses me on the head before they leave.

alias

I didn't know what I needed to feel better yesterday, but when you came out onto the steps and sat with me, when you stayed home to make dinner with me, when you sat on my bed and we shared a beer and cigarettes and you held my hand and told me that you really, really care about me and really meant it when you said you feel like I'm your sister, I realized that's what I needed. I needed you and I'm so glad I have you.

001.

You know things have changed when I can get dropped off at a show by myself, meet up with some people I know, get myself really drunk, dance a little and find myself a ride home. Although the thought of ever leaving Asheville and starting over new again, or what could possibly be in the future, is entirely overwhelming and not something I'd like to do again any time soon or even think about, at least now I really know what I already knew; I'll be okay wherever I go, these things always just take time.

Last night I sat on the front steps, drank a beer and sewed until around ten when Amanda and Claire were ready to go, we got more beer and headed downtown. They were going to a show at Broadway's and I forgot it was going to be 21+ (ugh, two and a half months!) so I asked them to drop me off at the Vacation house show. I got there and felt strangely comfortable being alone; I don't know whether that was because I knew Sascha, Madeline and Chase were inside or not. I peed in some random persons yard and opened my other beer. I saw Vacation's last two songs and ran into Madeline and hung out with her for awhile outside. Sascha finally came out and was surprised to see me. He traded me some whisky for some beer and disappeared. I spent most of the night talking to Madeline on the back steps. I danced a lot to Nude Beach who just totally sound like Brooklyn, and they passed around a bottle of whisky and some nice guy made sure I got it (thanks dude!). After their set I tried to bum a cigarette off of someone since I left mine in Amanda's car and he made me roll it myself and I actually did it and it was smokeable! I asked Chase for a ride home and so did some other random guy so we took him home and he kissed us all goodbye which was weird and I think I told everyone his name was Aaron but I think everyone I met last night was named Aaron. I got home and was a lot more drunk than I realized. I woke up to Marcel and Outlaw on the couch which is weird too.

Getting to hang out with Madeline last night was really nice since she never comes over. We're still a little awkward when we talk but she's one of my favorite people. Other than that: getting a message from Cam on facebook made all my fears of things being different when he gets back fade, Claire and I are healthy eating and I'm doing a little better every day and I'm going to be serious for once. I'm done letting bad self/body image get in the way of my life; And while I could just accept how I am, I can also change it and that's what'll make me happier so that's what I'm doing. Yesterday I went on a really long bike ride alone and I swear the adrenaline high lasted all day; I just felt good.

Life life life life.

rva

The minute we got back on the highway I couldn't speak.
I still can't.
This weekend I remembered what it's like to feel comfortable and I almost wish I hadn't. That's not true, Richmond and Stay Sweet was nothing less than wonderful but I guess it ended far too soon and now I'm waiting to leave again and I know that's backtracking from where I was before I left, when I didn't even want to leave.

It doesn't help the person that was drawing me back here isn't here.
I have to remember how much I loved Asheville a few days ago, because right now I can't stop comparing it to how I felt this weekend and how much that feels like my life and the one I'm always looking for when it's not around.

just do it

Ironically (and annoying) I'm back here because right after my previous post I lost my new journal. I plan on getting a new one as soon as possible and replicating the old. There's always so many things I want to write down and I need to be able to write them in that moment so they're real and don't slip away. (I also need to stop having any possesions on me while drunk because things just keep disappearing).

Lately nights are so fun, mornings are a bit quiet and awkward- but a little less every time. And even so, I'm used to this awkward, I've learned to live and function with this awkward, maybe even learned to be happy with this awkward. Yesterday I walked to work and couldn't stop smiling. It's a really great feeling to be in love with your life..and I'm so in love with my life, and a little more so every day.

I've been living in these shorts and every so often Claire says "Tesla you've gotten so tan". Today I woke up and didn't put make up on and cut the sleeves off a cardigan and it feels even more like summer, and subsiquently I feel even more like myself than I thought I could again.

024

When I was in Boston, on the last day, I thought I was losing my mind a little bit. I had to spend a few hours alone to stop feeling so overwhelmed and try and fix myself. During that time I bought myself a new journal, with hard covers and more sturdiness and permanence than a flimsy college ruled paper notebook. I really needed it, and now I'm even more disassociated with the internet.

Lately I've been kissing a new boy and drinking entire days away, I've worked doubles at work and made new friends- or at least had a few friendly conversations. I wake up wondering what happened last night and laugh out loud in awkward situations when I suddenly think of something I forgot I did or said. We're having 5 shows at our house this month and our vegetables are growing like crazy. One horrible roommate is gone, and a nice one took his spot. In less than two weeks I'll be in Richmond and I'm really excited to travel alone again. My life is summer and it's going to be summer forever.

See you soon.