Sunday, February 22, 2009
Saturday, February 21, 2009
Dear Tesla,
Why do you have to have this stupid mentality? If these people are really your friends like they claim to be, they should want you around. Why do you assume they only tolerate you? Or if anything, you're a last resort. You have no reason to think the way you do. They've never shown you you weren't welcome, they've never pushed you away. So why can't you accept that maybe they ARE your friends and care about you? Why isn't that easy? I really think that that's supposed to be easy. I don't fucking understand why I feel this way. Or why I need any confirmation and reassurance, or so much of it. It's the same thing with any compliments, they're nice, but they go right in one ear and right out the other without being so much as absorbed. That is how I am with everything. I don't believe sincerity in anyones words. None. I need to have faith in people, but I don't. Not even in the people that I love the most, because I can't even convince myself that they like me. And if I believe it for a moment, I'm just waiting around until the feeling fades, or they get sick of me, or someone replaces me. I spend so much time worrying that I'm going to lose my light in their eyes, if there is any at all to begin with. If someone cares about you, that shouldn't just go away so easily. But I don't believe my own words. What is wrong with me?
February can end now.
There's nothing left to truely look foward to. I don't know when just hanging out with my close friends became "not good enough" but I really hate myself for that. March is full of wonderful outings and I'm just counting down the days until better weather, that is going to change so, so many aspects of what life is like right now. I'm scared to see how I am going to feel, act, and respond with last last days of this month. I haven't been quite right lately, and it only gets worse when I don't have interesting things going on, or at the vary least small things to look foward to. The only constant in my life that I'm actually enjoying is going to Yoga 2-3 times a week, followed by 30 minutes of work out. I don't know whether losing weight or being "prettier" is going to really affect my life or not, but while I don't have much else going for me, I might as well try. Even if it boosts my happiness by just a microscopic amount, it's worth it.
Speaking of March, I can't believe in basically a month it's going to have been a year since the last time I was truely in love with my life and truely what I define as "happy". A year spent sitting here waiting and reaching for that feeling again, who knows if I should give up or keep trying. How long should you have to fucking try for?
This time last year until Auguat, I was a different person. I was growing, I was changing, I was seeing things in a new way and learning new things about myself every day. I don't know when or how, but somewhere between then and now I completely lost that mind set. I feel so blocked in. I know nothing about myself. I can't see things from as many angles as before. I'm not trying new things as often, and when I do they're not in the least bit as mind blowing as they used to seem. I changed into a person I liked better, a person who had meaningful things to say, a person that saw things different, a person who knew what she liked, who she wanted to be, how she lived her life, and was finding new subjects to add to all of those lists at such a fast rate. Well some how, I've regressed. Not completely back into my old self, but into a different version of it. A version that is even worse off than before. Stuck completely in a rut, trying to make a list of ways to most successfully get out of, and staring at a blank paper with a blank mind. How can I expect to ever be happy when I can't even figure out exactly who I am again?
To contradict myself a little bit, I did realize something about myself tonight. I guess it wasn't actually realizing because I know the things I do..the problem is that I don't know how to have any control over them whatsoever. I caught myself taking a situation, giving the benefit of the doubt to the negative aspect, and concluding in an outcome that was personally aimed at me and bringing me down whereas when it came down to the truth, the situation had nothing to do with me and I misjudged it completely. I'm tired of thinking this way. So, so tired. I wish, just for a minute, I could have faith. Faith in anything. Faith in the future, myself, my friendships..especially my friendships. I think I had it at some point? But along with many other things, remember and being able to feel the past is also a hardship I'm trying to over come as my memories slip further away from me every morning. But if I did, it's long gone. I have no idea what caused my lose of it, but I wouldn't know feeling faith and reassurance if it was right in front of my face.
I am so, so tired. I keep living the way I do, because I like how I live. I wouldn't change my outlook on that at all. But while I'm not changing anything, I'm expecting my attitudes and thought processes to adjust themselves. But I know that's pretty unlikely, you have to change something to cause any sort of reaction. There is no change in a routine. And that's what the things and people I love are becoming. A routine that I have no faith in. As always, something has GOT to change. And that something is the first step I have to take. But that part is difficult all in itself, because I have no idea where to even begin looking in a direction to take that step.
I am a mess.
Speaking of March, I can't believe in basically a month it's going to have been a year since the last time I was truely in love with my life and truely what I define as "happy". A year spent sitting here waiting and reaching for that feeling again, who knows if I should give up or keep trying. How long should you have to fucking try for?
This time last year until Auguat, I was a different person. I was growing, I was changing, I was seeing things in a new way and learning new things about myself every day. I don't know when or how, but somewhere between then and now I completely lost that mind set. I feel so blocked in. I know nothing about myself. I can't see things from as many angles as before. I'm not trying new things as often, and when I do they're not in the least bit as mind blowing as they used to seem. I changed into a person I liked better, a person who had meaningful things to say, a person that saw things different, a person who knew what she liked, who she wanted to be, how she lived her life, and was finding new subjects to add to all of those lists at such a fast rate. Well some how, I've regressed. Not completely back into my old self, but into a different version of it. A version that is even worse off than before. Stuck completely in a rut, trying to make a list of ways to most successfully get out of, and staring at a blank paper with a blank mind. How can I expect to ever be happy when I can't even figure out exactly who I am again?
To contradict myself a little bit, I did realize something about myself tonight. I guess it wasn't actually realizing because I know the things I do..the problem is that I don't know how to have any control over them whatsoever. I caught myself taking a situation, giving the benefit of the doubt to the negative aspect, and concluding in an outcome that was personally aimed at me and bringing me down whereas when it came down to the truth, the situation had nothing to do with me and I misjudged it completely. I'm tired of thinking this way. So, so tired. I wish, just for a minute, I could have faith. Faith in anything. Faith in the future, myself, my friendships..especially my friendships. I think I had it at some point? But along with many other things, remember and being able to feel the past is also a hardship I'm trying to over come as my memories slip further away from me every morning. But if I did, it's long gone. I have no idea what caused my lose of it, but I wouldn't know feeling faith and reassurance if it was right in front of my face.
I am so, so tired. I keep living the way I do, because I like how I live. I wouldn't change my outlook on that at all. But while I'm not changing anything, I'm expecting my attitudes and thought processes to adjust themselves. But I know that's pretty unlikely, you have to change something to cause any sort of reaction. There is no change in a routine. And that's what the things and people I love are becoming. A routine that I have no faith in. As always, something has GOT to change. And that something is the first step I have to take. But that part is difficult all in itself, because I have no idea where to even begin looking in a direction to take that step.
I am a mess.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
"If I could write
I'd tell you how much I miss these nights."
I am losing closeness with absolutely everyone important in my life. I constantly feel like I should do something about it, but when it comes down to it, I never feel like doing anything. The thought of making plans and hanging out doesn't leave me feeling excited and with out feeling anything, nothing seems to have a point.
I am losing closeness with absolutely everyone important in my life. I constantly feel like I should do something about it, but when it comes down to it, I never feel like doing anything. The thought of making plans and hanging out doesn't leave me feeling excited and with out feeling anything, nothing seems to have a point.
Saturday, February 7, 2009
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
skinny love
This past weekend was wonderful from start to end. I feel like my epic weekends are back- like the old times. And this coming weekend won't dissapoint either. January was good, and February is off to a fucking great start.
Last friday was Paulson at the grange and it was better than I actually expected. Hung out with Melissa, Joanna, Amy, Nick, and Andrew B most of the night, got Pita Pit, got to see Liz and Lauren for a bit, and danced our little hearts out during Paulson's set. The grange is only good when it turns into a Dance Party with some good friends. Plans with Liz for the night fell through, but it ended up being fine because right after I got home Melissa and Andrew F called me and picked me up and we went out for awhile. I lost my coat that night some how, though.
I woke up saturday, got all my things toghether and left for Philly. Got there around 2:30, parked, got really excited that Whole Foods had my favorite tea that I only get at Panera, and met up with Stacy at the Library. We rented a few movies, went back to her dorm, found the perfect font for my tat, found my car a spot to leave it in for free overnight, and went out to eat at Cosi. Then we took the subway to South Street and went to get my tat. After months and hours spent talking myself into finally doing it, I am still tattooless. They said it was too small how I wanted the font. Which after talking to various people, I don't believe and will just go somewhere else. Stace and me sat in Starbucks for awhile, talking and laughing harder than I've laughed in awile, incase I decided to get something else (which I didn't because I was so dead set on my idea) before taking the subway back to Moore. All through out the night various bums spoke to us, one inparticular telling us he was in love with us, insuring my "i can't go anywhere without strange things happening" theory. We met up with Rosalie and Mary and made our Peanut Butter and Jelly cookies, which turned out absolutely delicious and was definitely one of our better ideas, and then we watched Step Brothers. Honestly, it was one of the best nights I've had in a long time and I felt like Stacy and I's friendship is just getting better and felt like the old days and I love that girl so much. She wouldn't shut up all night though, but I was extremely content laying bed at 3 am listening to Bon Iver talking about next summer and how much time we're going to spend at the beach and feeling free and summertime naps.
Sunday we had to wake up by 8 to move my car, so we did that, got ready, and left for the Punk Rock Flea Market which was the main reason I went to stay up in Philly. It was absolutely amazing, and I got some amazing finds- like a screenprint poster for the mewithoutYou show Stace, Justine, Alex G, Jaret, and I went to in march of '07 at the Troc, the Hey Arnold! movie, the complete first season of Pete and Pete, a really old copy of One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, earrings, and some various little pieces of art work. Ran into Brittany, who seems like a potential new friend and awesome person, as well as Ben and Max. I left around 12 to go pick up Tyler and his drums to go to Cut Short's show at the Grange. I was dead tired but completely content just sitting behind the merch table all day, although Eddie did bring up something entirely strange that kind of has me urked. After I took Tyler home, I went home and went to bed at 9:30 hahah.
I can't wait until friday and the weekend to begin, and I can't wait until the amazing weather on saturday and sunday!
I'm happy with my life, I just hope it stays this way but I'm not sure exactly how it insure that.
Last friday was Paulson at the grange and it was better than I actually expected. Hung out with Melissa, Joanna, Amy, Nick, and Andrew B most of the night, got Pita Pit, got to see Liz and Lauren for a bit, and danced our little hearts out during Paulson's set. The grange is only good when it turns into a Dance Party with some good friends. Plans with Liz for the night fell through, but it ended up being fine because right after I got home Melissa and Andrew F called me and picked me up and we went out for awhile. I lost my coat that night some how, though.
I woke up saturday, got all my things toghether and left for Philly. Got there around 2:30, parked, got really excited that Whole Foods had my favorite tea that I only get at Panera, and met up with Stacy at the Library. We rented a few movies, went back to her dorm, found the perfect font for my tat, found my car a spot to leave it in for free overnight, and went out to eat at Cosi. Then we took the subway to South Street and went to get my tat. After months and hours spent talking myself into finally doing it, I am still tattooless. They said it was too small how I wanted the font. Which after talking to various people, I don't believe and will just go somewhere else. Stace and me sat in Starbucks for awhile, talking and laughing harder than I've laughed in awile, incase I decided to get something else (which I didn't because I was so dead set on my idea) before taking the subway back to Moore. All through out the night various bums spoke to us, one inparticular telling us he was in love with us, insuring my "i can't go anywhere without strange things happening" theory. We met up with Rosalie and Mary and made our Peanut Butter and Jelly cookies, which turned out absolutely delicious and was definitely one of our better ideas, and then we watched Step Brothers. Honestly, it was one of the best nights I've had in a long time and I felt like Stacy and I's friendship is just getting better and felt like the old days and I love that girl so much. She wouldn't shut up all night though, but I was extremely content laying bed at 3 am listening to Bon Iver talking about next summer and how much time we're going to spend at the beach and feeling free and summertime naps.
Sunday we had to wake up by 8 to move my car, so we did that, got ready, and left for the Punk Rock Flea Market which was the main reason I went to stay up in Philly. It was absolutely amazing, and I got some amazing finds- like a screenprint poster for the mewithoutYou show Stace, Justine, Alex G, Jaret, and I went to in march of '07 at the Troc, the Hey Arnold! movie, the complete first season of Pete and Pete, a really old copy of One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, earrings, and some various little pieces of art work. Ran into Brittany, who seems like a potential new friend and awesome person, as well as Ben and Max. I left around 12 to go pick up Tyler and his drums to go to Cut Short's show at the Grange. I was dead tired but completely content just sitting behind the merch table all day, although Eddie did bring up something entirely strange that kind of has me urked. After I took Tyler home, I went home and went to bed at 9:30 hahah.
I can't wait until friday and the weekend to begin, and I can't wait until the amazing weather on saturday and sunday!
I'm happy with my life, I just hope it stays this way but I'm not sure exactly how it insure that.
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