004.

I've wanted to find it in me for so long now to push myself so hard into the things that are going to make me happy. I'm not currently doing as bad as I've seen myself get, but it can always be better and I'm definitely not where I want to be, where the end goal is. It's just that every time I start working towards something, I get pushed down again. I know this is how my life is, and I know the lifestyle I choose to lead is never, ever going to be on the side of helping me out except for making me a better person, albeit a more depressed better person. But when everything is stressing me out to the point of tossing and turning every night away, it's hard to even acknowledge that I can hardly even handle the little things right now.

Like how I keep calling this person my best friend, when they are not that any more and no matter how close I feel to them when they're there, there is something incredibly fucked up with our relationship and it's just not even there right now, and won't be for a long time now if it's even fixable.

Or how I hate the idea of craving having feelings for someone, the urge to feel butterflies and hold hands. I don't know how to even go about that right now, when I think about trying all I can go back to is that it's not him. It's not you, and that's who I want it to be. I don't know how I get over that, especially when the amazing person i think you are is not going to change and all your best friends are liking my tumblr posts. I'm thinking about the holidays next year, so far from now, when we're both back in our hometowns and so close, i wonder if you'll even still cross my mind come then.

I don't know how much I believe in there being "the one".
The very unfamiliar rational version of myself knows how unlikely it is that in a world so large, there's so few possibilities for love.

But the more familiar irrational version of me is scared you were it and now you're gone.

The absences are always noticed.

I know months from now I won't feel this way. If you're not in my life, I'll look back and wonder how I ever felt that way because you were the one for the person I was then and not who I am now.
I've been there before, I've done that before.

But it doesn't make the facts untrue, the way I've never felt so comfortable so fast with any one before, the way you made me feel things I forgot how to feel.

In an alternate universe, there was so many possibilities.
Yet in this one, there was nothing but our lives working against the possibility of us.

So here I am, 3,000 miles away with just a memory of holding your hand in the dark car and some dried up flowers I left in California.

I just tried to abbreviate our first street name and it came out to be S.A.D. At least that made me laugh.

How is it, everyone I talk to about going through this, they tell me how great of a friend I am.
How they think I'm devoted. I'm "the best". I'm a "good thing".
Yet the one fucking person I actually give the most to, is the only person I can't give enough to for them to appreciate the same things anyone else I love does.

I know what the solution is and it's the same advice every one I've spoken to has given me.
Yet I don't even know if I'm strong enough to go through it.
Regardless of how wrong or right I feel about it, how do I find it in me to push the person closest to me the furthest away?

My whole body shaking involuntarily and barely being audible when I answer your phone call.
I'm not sure about anything anymore, let alone you.

003SS

It's almost 4:30 am, I can listen to music a little louder than usual because both rooms near mine are empty tonight. Lately I can't really describe how I feel about anything. I feel fine sometimes, overwhelmed in others, lonely, but with no where else I'd rather be. I don't want to feel such lack of sleep anymore, I don't want to worry about where money is coming from, I don't want to wonder who I'd go to if something was really wrong. I miss my best friend, who I haven't spoken to in so many weeks now (for some good reason, and some not) and who I'm more terrified of slowly losing than I ever have been or than anyone that's ever slowly faded over the years.

I feel like Atlanta has things to offer me, but at the same time like it might continue to lack something. Some times I need those friendships where we laugh at our terrible sense of humor and things aren't so serious all of the time. As I much as I love the discussions that we have here, how much I feel like I can learn and have opportunities to be a part of and expresses my thoughts more coherently, I don't know how I'll find those direly important friendships I'm used to having, that level of closeness that surpasses what I'm capable of understanding. I can't tell if they're here or not (don't forget how Asheville was).

This morning the weather was nice and I woke up excited to put on shorts and start the day, to find a semblance of happy just in drinking coffee and opening my windows. Yet as the day dwindles on, I notice his absence, I notice feeling alone and knowing I have to make the effort to get to know people better but wishing I had the choice to fall back on someone else if I needed it.

I have absolutely no idea where I'm headed, I can't even begin to imagine.



1. S

I've left so many times, and I know the distance can leave us unaffected- we've done this. I know that you'll miss me too at some point, but I hate how much I miss you now. It'll be close to a year soon from when you first headed west, when you first ended everything we knew about our friendship and left the future of it up in the air. And I've been terrified since of losing you. I've told you that so many times. I've spent a lot more time with you in the past year than I expected to at first, but it's been so bad for us so much of the time I no longer know what to expect from the future at all. You'll be here soon but, as much as I need to see you, as much as I need to fall asleep next to you, having you for a few days and once again getting used to your absence, used to the idea of our lives being so separate, used to the thought of not knowing when I'll see you again, is going to be so fucking hard on me right now. I try so hard to keep the people close to me close no matter the physical distance, but sometimes it doesn't work, sometimes they fade anyways despite all the effort you have to give at the time. Sometimes there's help in the creation of that distance, our lives' interests taking courses too far astray from one another- but it doesn't mean the loss of those people who were once my world doesn't still sting sometimes.  I mean, fuck, there's some who I can't even stand so much as humans who I'll love with all my heart until the day I die. I can't handle the thought of adding you to that list, let alone what it would do to me if one day I wake up to realize you're not a part of my life anymore. You're supposed to be forever, and I want that so bad. I want to know our friendship is going to last so much longer than now, but it's so hard to even begin to picture how that is ever going to happen, how you'll ever be more than a visit or a phone call again. I don't know where my life is taking me and I don't think you know where yours is going either, we have vague ideas, but I hope with all my heart they lead us back to one another one day, hopefully not so far away after all.

002.

I think I forgot, to an extent, how difficult it can be living in a new city sometimes. When everyone around you is relatively new, it's hard not having at least one close friend around. I chose this, I don't know where else I'd be. Yet I'm thinking back to the first months in Asheville and how lonely they could be.

The only comfort I can find is that no matter how hard things were for a really long time, some of those people who were once so new became of the best people in my life. I do really well on my own sometimes, but that doesn't mean I'm not scared of ending up sad and confused and feeling overwhelmingly alone.

I'm just craving the comfort of falling asleep next to someone familiar.

Mm

Everyone I feel an absence of are people that I really shouldn't miss. I don't know where this all came from.

001.

Everything is pretty great, and I can only see it getting better from here. I really love my house, and I can only see that getting better. I'm glad I'm in Atlanta, I spent the last few nights with my best friends in Asheville and the comfort that brought me is irreplaceable, those are some people I want in my life forever, and that place holds the most special place in my heart. I'd go back to the summer of the Fishtank in a heartbeat if I could stay there forever, with all the people and knowledge I have now.

But the one thing that is leaving a piece missing to this whole fucking puzzle of a life of mine, is that I haven't spoken to you minus a feel irrelevant text messages, in far too close to four weeks. It doesn't feel like my best friend even exists and that's an awfully lonely feeling.