1 month

It's been a month, over 4 weeks, but officially a month.
I don't know whether that's a long or short time.
It feels like forever because of how well it just fits. In my eyes, at the very least.
But most importantly, this is the first good thing I didn't fuck up.
I'm choosing to believe that means something.
I sure hope so.

Trains officially just break my heart.

...

I feel sad and I'm not sure why.
Tonight is rougher than I anticipated, because I just want tomorrow.

"stay the fuck out of hardcore."

Who the fuck are you? You listened to three days grace like 3 years ago. I'm pretty sure the whole reason hardcore and punk started was to be a place for the kids who didn't fit in anywhere else to have something to call home. Even with it's increasing popularity, who are you to say who should be there and who shouldn't? It's the same mentality as "girls don't belong in hardcore". YOU'RE the one making it what it shouldn't be by giving it that clique-feeling by saying some one or any type of person shouldn't be around. People like YOU should "stay the fuck out of hardcore". You make me sad for the things I love the most.

I want to go everywhere.

I need my Little Rock feeling back. Hearing the train go by outside kills me. I won't be 100% myself again until I feel that free again.

008.

I'm figuring myself out again, it's nice. Not really figure out..I know who I am, what I like, what I'm about. It's just the constant struggle of how attached or dis-attached from that person I feel. I feel closer than I have in awhile though, and I have faith I'm going to be back completely very soon.
I went to Philly Saturday afternoon until today to see Stace.
We walked and walked and walked and walked.
And I rode the train.
And I felt the feelings that are my favorite.
We got free starbucks and left with more free starbucks.
The Menzingers/Bomb the Music Industry show was sold out, but they'll be back.
We swang on swings, sat around south philly, ate Maoz, and played MASH like we were 12. We laughed.
I talked and talked and talked and Stacy listened. And got mad because I wouldn't stop talking about summer.
I'm so content anytime I'm not sitting at my grandma's. Delaware feels dead to me.
I just want warm weather, my best friend, and my boyfriend.
I don't care about much else right now.
The rest of the week is going to feel like a waste of time.
Thursday night couldn't get here soon enough.

A smile finds you at midnight and you mouth "sweet familiarity".

007.

Right this minute, I am so happy.
And I want to document it.
Tomorrow I get to see my best friend.
Other faces that aren't around too often.
Music.
I have an extremely wonderful boyfriend.
Just talking on the phone with him for an hour is capable of putting me in a good mood.
I get to see my other best friend this weekend and stay in the city.
Things are good.
Could be better, but this for this weekend...I'm okay.
:)

Ready to leave

I just want to lay around with him.
Nothing else even remotely interests me.
I'm very over this place.

Five

It's more than annoying that there's two days associated with my dad's death.
Yesterday I know it happened.
Today I relive the all too clear memories of the day we found out. The day I was home alone when the cops came. The night I hurt more than I ever will again.

This isn't a post for pity, it just fucking sucks and always will.
I'll never fully get over it.
Mostly because I never accepted it.

I need a road trip.

Just like Florida or Vermont. On repeat forever.

This whole laying around, just letting the days pass by thing.. isn't me AT ALL.
I'm the one every looks to for an adventure.
I'm the one always in some far off random place.

I'm not living up to my so-called reputation, and I'm starting to feel the affects of it. I can't do this much longer.

If I'm not going to be doing anything life changing, I would at least rather be spending my time laying in the park reading or riding the subway alone all day just to see where I end up and watch all the strangers.

I was alive then. This isn't me at all. These 4 walls are the thing I hate the most.

006.

I don't know what I'm doing about anything.
I don't have a plan right now. I don't have any real goals.
I was ok with this for a little while, I can figure out all those things when the time comes. I just need that mindset back. Nothing matters right now. I just want to be happy. I have all the time in the world to grow up and figure things out. No. Rush. Just find happiness. And happy is what I am, when he's around. If I have that, and then the weather warms up, things will be okay.

I realized that if I change the ideas I've had in my mind, I don't necessarily have to let go of other things I want or need. That makes no sense.
I guess what I'm saying is that I've realized I don't have to give anything up. I can have everything I want. This can all coexist. It wasn't making sense for a little while, and I was scared of giving up one thing for another. But I don't have to. I can have everything all at once. I don't like that I realized this though, because I don't want to do anything stupid. I don't want to make any decisions too soon. I don't want to ruin anything, because this isn't something I plan on letting go easily. But sometimes when things just lay themselves in front of you and you don't have any reason to fight it, then you can't fight forever.

I'm just going to stop thinking for a little while. I'm going to smile and feel free and hang out with good friends and be happy with him ..hopefully for a long time. It's going to get warm, and everything will be wonderful then. I'll figure out everything else when the summer starts to end.

blahablahalbhah
I need a job.

Today is a bad day. 5 years. I still miss you, I always will. This will always hurt.

Heart.

It's two in the morning. This time tomorrow, I’ll be sleeping next to you. I'll be cuddled up with you. I’ll be completely happy again for the first time since we last said goodbye.

I wish you were here’s.

They make me a little more sad every night. I just want to be in New Jersey. Nothing else matters quite as much right now.

"You’ve walked those streets a thousand times and still you end up here. Regret none of it, not one of the wasted days you wanted to know nothing, when the lights from the carnival rides were the only stars you believed in, loving them for their uselessness, not wanting to be saved. You’ve traveled this far on the back of every mistake, ridden in dark-eyed and morose but calm as a house after the TV set has been pitched out the upstairs window. Harmless as a broken ax. Emptied of expectation. Relax. Don’t bother remembering any of it. Let’s stop here, under the lit sign on the corner, and watch all the people walk by."
-Dorianne Laux

This is beautiful.

Cut Short/Damages Winter Tour '09/'010 (part 2)

Day 4- Augusta, Georgia
Wake up, everyone goes to waffle house sans Tyler, Dom, and I. We sit around talking for a few hours, get changed, etc. I tell Dom about Bills little rules/list of things I couldn't bring. Everyone else gets back, Ryan bought a purple shirt with mushrooms on it..he wears it the rest of tour. Everyone hates Bill, and their tolerance of him for the rest of tour is done for. Kyle keeps calling him Wiener Bill. We leave for Georgia, and stop at the Augusta Mall. I walk around with Tyler, and don't feel like being there. I hated SC for ruining my mentality. I wouldn't get it back for another night or two. I beat myself up when I'm too quiet. It's like 1 pm, Drew and Mike are drunk again already. Eventually we head to the venue, it's pretty cool. The show has a surprisingly okay turn out. Drew calls me Tes, it's ok. Dom tells me I can come to Texas with Damages so I can see La Dispute even though Cut Short isn't going, so stoked. It starts raining and I'm so scared the weather's gonna get bad. We part ways with Damages and head to Atlanta. We're staying at some girl's house, of course I'm not a happy camper with this idea. Although the night ended good to me, we got there and Hardside was there (hahahahaha) and no one really said hi so we just kind of stood around really awkwardly. Eventually I see Tyler and Garrett disappear and follow them and ask where they're going and they say sleeping in the van and I won't let them leave me so Tyler tells me to grab my things. We go to the van, ditch Bill, leave our things, and they tell me we're going for a walk. So it's 3 am and we're aimlessly walking around Atlanta. I'm feeling a little more alive again.

We find a 'haunted house', creepiest thing ever..there was a face just starring at us in the window. That's a story in itself. We go to Vanny Devito to sleep and it's absolutely freezing. Of course we go to the south during the week the lows are breaking records. Tyler makes me a really comfy bed though, more concerned with my comfort than his own of course.

Day 5/Off day/New Years Eve/Atlanta, Georgia-
We don't wake up til like noon and I'm avoiding going into the house at all costs, so I take a walk alone and get changed in the Barnes and Noble bathroom. It's new years eve. We all meet up and just walk around, go to Best Buy, some little coffee shop. Tyler takes me to see some graffiti. I'm realizing the repeating train theme, every single place we play, every place we stay, there is literally tracks right next to it. I've never felt like I'm getting some kind of sign shoved right in my face so much.

We go back to the van and decide to drive around, go to Ikea, and maybe a Lemuria show. I fell in love with Atlanta. I've never seen so much graff everywhere, it was mind blowing to all of us. Ikea is always fun, we stop at taco bell and Bill has cheese stuck in his beard. My mood could be better. We go to Wal Mart and Tyler follows me in, I get two boxes of Capri Sun for $2..stoked. Mood improved. We go back to Kayla's and it's not so bad this time. Shower. Write a letter. Sit around watching Inglorious Basterds, midnight hits. "It's midnight." "Fuck New Years." The only person who said happy new year to me was my mom and Chrystina. Tyler hit me harder than he ever has, I make him apologize. I got the couch, we fall asleep early.


Day 6/Tupelo, Mississippi-
Woke up, said goodbye to everyone, left for the drive to Mississippi. I think maybe this was the only morning I didn't get woken up by being verbally assaulted or by Garrett throwing/hitting me with things. Crossed over into Alabama, the first state I had never been too so far on tour. Alabama has to be the funniest state I've ever been to. Almost puked at this one gas station because the entire town smelled so bad.

Birmingham was cool though, and I got really hyper and started dancing and I don't think Tyler's laughed that hard at me before. He also kept covering my eyes because we crossed the most insane train yard. I need that feeling back again.
I took over driving, Damages called saying the show might be moved, so we had to stop and waste some time so we went to a random Wal Mart that I'm pretty sure has to be one of the one you'd see in thepeopleofwalmart.com. We ended up still playing Mississippi, so we get there after a long drive in the middle of nowhere but it was fine because Tyler sat shot gun with me and played some good tunes. The show is literally IN a storage unit. Confusion. Eventually Michigan arrives, and some more kids, Drew tells me all about Serenity Now (legal weed) and the weirdest list of ingredients ever, and I happily drink my capri sun. It's so cold. I'm scared to tell Bill and/or Garrett I'm leaving with Damages to go to Texas after the show tonight. Tyler hates me for leaving him with them. The playing of the storage unit happens, Mikey Wiggerant happens, leaving for the 11 hour drive to Fort Worth/Dallas, Texas happens.

Cut Short/Damages Winter Tour '09/'010 (part 1)

I was listening to Foundation earlier today, and it made me ridiculously nostalgic about tour. So I finally have the inspiration to write all about it. I want to before it gets too distant anyways.

Day 1/Start of tour- Virginia Beach, Virginia
Woke up around 8 am. Stacy picked me up so we could say goodbye since I needed a ride to Newark. I have $17 for 2 and a half weeks of tour. Met up at Bill's with him and Garrett. Saw the van for the first time. "It's like a limo in here." Made Garrett mad when I told him I was going to start calling him Gary. Met up with Tyler, Drew, and Damages (or Michigan boys as I'll lovingly refer to them). Minutes together, and hilarity has already ensued. "THERE'S BLOOD ON MIKE'S DICK." "Jimmy has cancer and you're worried about ______?" We leave for Virginia Beach. Tyler's in a bad mood because he doesn't want to go. I'm more happy to be where I'm at that I've ever been before. Pass "Dixieland" on the VA/MD border, "The South starts here." Tyler gets in a better mood, Drew keeps throwing shrimp ramen at him. I take over driving, Drew riding shot gun. Lemuria- Pants. Drive over the prettiest bridge, it's 12 miles long.

Lots of dead birds though :\ There's 2 tunnels, Garrett holds his breathe the entire time. Get to the show, make all the boys pb&j, it's at a fire hall. Kids are so violent. Cecily texts me about a falling dream she had where she actually hit the ground. We looked it up later. It means you're insane. Sell A LOT of merch. Someone outside had vegan cookies, both Tyler and Drew come running inside with one for me at separate times. I love my boys so much. Sonic after the show, Drew gets drunk. Leave for North Carolina, ride shot gun with Garrett to keep him company, listen to Sunny Day Real Estate.


Day 2/Off day- Bonn, North Carolina
We wake up mid-afternoon, and lay around the house all day. Avoid Methcat (Tyler's loving nickname for it)

and love Great Dane. Drew and me both continuously fall asleep through out the afternoon.Sleepy kids. Trip to Food Lion/Wal Mart at various times. Come home to drunk Drew underneath my blanket. (He stole my blanket constantly) Hummus and Pita Chips, lay around the rest of the night. Fall asleep early cause drifting in and out is the theme of the day. Wake up to a text at 4 am, Drew's awake. He's hungry. Mission: Make mashed potatoes and wake no one up. We get into the kitchen. Success. He tells me about how he tried to get on the internet and went to the most insane lengths. "so I went through their mail.." We go back to the living room and watch Family Guy, Bill wakes up and tells us its too loud (it wasn't) so we watch TV with subtitles until we fall back asleep.

Day 3- Columbia, South Carolina
Wake up early to shower. Leave for South Carolina. Sheetz, any coffee is 97 cents. Tyler sets off the loudest vending machine alarm ever at a rest stop, all for a bag of Bugles. Black Sabbath. Stop at South of the Border, it's better at night. Buy fireworks. Get to the venue early, wonder around the burger king parking lot for awhile watching Tyler skate. I found a horse shoe on the ground. Load in to the show. Coldest night ever, I brought my blanket into the venue. Foundation and The Effort rule and it's fun getting to see bands I actually like. Sell a lot of merch again. I'm happy, I never want to come home. Some kid says we can stay at his house, so we do. After a bad drive and some big mouths, I end up ridiculously angry. We go to Wal Mart and I attach myself to Tyler like a puppy because I don't want to be around anyone else. Drew dumpsters like 8 boxes of pizza. We light off fireworks in a banana. We get to the kid's house and start a party.

Drew is wasted, he says silly things he shouldn't to me. Bill drinks one beer, he's wasted. I sit around watching the commotion. Mike asks if we can be friends, hahaha. Drew shot guns like 10 beers and shows me how he can smash them with his head. We draw on Drew's face when he passes out, it was hilarious/sad.

I end up with a really comfy spot like always, the boys are good to me. Went to sleep at like 4 am and get woken up at 8, sometimes my boys aren't good to me.

To beeeee continued..

005.

I needed that. This is something amazing. This is something special. This is why I wake up happy every morning. This is not something I want to let go ever.

I went out to dinner with Melissa and Brett tonight. Brett's a lot cooler of a kid than he used to be. We got some chinese, ran into Garrett, and just hung out for a little back at mfd's. I didn't have the money even slightly to have plans, but I knew I couldn't sit inside all day or be inside my own head.. so for once I felt like being out and I made plans.
I honestly don't know what life would be like if Melissa wasn't back around. I love my little buttercup so much. I didn't stay out too long because the roads were bad and I knew I'd be literally shaking the whole drive home.

I'm excited for tomorrow night. I haven't been excited for friends, drives, and music in quite some time. It's going to be a gooood night. And I need it.

..

I don't think I'll ever comprehend how I can know something is going on with out having an reason to believe or way of knowing it. I don't know if that makes sense. I'll just get a feeling sometimes, out of no where, and it's always right.

I spent the day worried. Worried because I over think, but I felt so sick to my stomach. I can't get into a situation where I get attached and it falls apart again. It's happened too many times and I won't let it again.

Then I come to find out what I worried about was right. It's ok now, but I knew what was going on and now I'm a little scared.

I can't even explain myself right now.

I just want to be sure of everything and I don't want to get hurt.

004.

I hate this place. I hate this place. I hate this place. I hate this place. I hate this place. I hate this place. I hate this place. I hate this place.
I hate this place, this house, this room, this town that I already tried to leave once.

I wish my family wasn't 3,000 miles away.
Or that I felt like I had any sort faces to call family at all.

Complain, complain, complain.

I'm back to not missing my friends. Just Stace. Sometimes Tyler..but our lives are distant right now because he has Zoe and that crowd and we both know I like to distance myself from certain things. I know he'll always be there though, it's always different with him than with everyone else. Everyone's just acting kind of shitty, and I don't want to be a part of it. I'm also feeling kind of reclusive, but I suppose that has a lot to do with the weather. I'll go out soon though, I'll have fun, and I'll take back everything said and won't mean a word of this. I'm just pushing any anger I have off on them because I'm not happy with where I'm at.
And I miss a boy in New Jersey. With everything here just feeling kind of "blah" for lack of a better explanation, that's the only place my little heart wants to be. I'm just happy then. Content. It's such a strange and new and different feeling to me. It's not like anything before. With him I have no other care in the world.

"I looked and you know what I found? That you can't expect to trust this world when you can't even trust yourself. And your head starts to spin as you dance to the beat because tomorrow isn't promised but it sure as fuck is coming. And your body starts to shake as you sing in the streets because it's cold outside, so you better start running. Don't count on me to save your life when I've never had a clear enough perspective on mine. And I know things change, we'll go our separate ways and alive is the only thing it seems we've stayed lately. And the truth isn't always easy to believe. You walk alone to the sound of your own heartbeat. And I know it's not always so easy to see but we are still all so fucking beautiful to me."

Remember these things.

"why dont you live in philly no mo"
"next winter. we will cause chaos"
"ahhh. sled EVERYWHERE"
"literally"
"hahahaha we can pull each other, or get our dog to do it and catch snowflakes on our tongues"
"i like how we have a dog"
"i LOVE how we have a dog"


i. miss. my. best. friend.
and Philadelf.

003.

Went sledding with Melissa, Andrew, and Joanna today. It was nice to get out of the house unexpectedly and have fun with some good friends. I don't think I stopped laughing the entire time. I was in tears from the minute I got into the car when they picked me up, until the moment I got home. It felt so good. I was a bit sad for a little while sitting in Andrew's basement, listening to him play familiar songs on guitar, reminiscing together about old times and missing summer like I always do. But regardless, it was a good night and I think I needed it. Tyler was always right, I lose myself a little when I'm in these 4 walls so distant from everyone.

The actual sledding adventure was pretty ridiculous, but what am I ever involved in that's not? Melissa wanted to go sled with me first so we decided we were badass enough to conquer the huge steep hill. We were not. We take off, start turning and spinning so fast, hit a big bump and go flying through the air landing on each other and tumbling over one another down the hill. We were literally covered in ice. We both had one of those moments where you know whatever is happening right is isn't something normal and our lives flashed before our eyes. It was hilarious though. I think we layed their laughing for a good ten minutes after we made sure nothing was broken. Joanna said everyone at the top of the hill gasped, hahaha. We went back to the car to recoup for a minute and then went back up. Joanna and mfd were ready to go, but me and Andrew sled a few more times on a baby mountain, I went once alone and hit a jump someone made and went flying face first into the snow again and the last time I went with Melissa again and Andrew jumped on me right after we took off and choked me the whole way down and we somehow ended up on his sled. All I remember is Melissa freaking out when we got up, "NO. WAIT. STOP. HOW THE FUCK DID THAT JUST HAPPEN?" I am so happy I have my friends again. We went back to Andrew's afterwards and just hung out forever talking about sososo many things. "I hate that my hair is forever wet look" "I hate cats but I love pussy" "I never do that first...." Joanna and me have gotten a lot closer lately, it's unexpected but nice.

I'm getting $255 back from my taxes, and tomorrow I'm going to finally send in those college books for $60. I may be bored out of my mind, but at least I'll have gas money again. I'm not worried about it, things will be figured out at some point.

I'm still happy, and as long as I'm saying that.. then nothing else matters. Always.
I know that this silly boy is the main reason for that. And I have no complaints.

Well, other than the fact that I hate when I can't make people I care about happy. If there's one thing in the whole world I wish I could always do, it would be making sure I was always doing whatever I could to be sure that the people I love are always happy and content and smiling. There's nothing I want more.

The 17th/18th is coming up fast, I don't know if I can handle it this year. 5 years and I'm still in denial. I don't want to be alone those days, I don't want to be dwelling on it, I don't want to cry. I hate this. I just want my father to show up on the door step and tell me it was all a cruel joke just like I've wanted since I was 14. But I'll never see him again. 5 fucking years without him and it still stings like it was yesterday. It's never going to seem fair.

002.

I usually only have nightmares a few times a year, at least ones that I vividly remember or wake up from. These past few nights, it's every single night. It's getting old.

I feel like they're all telling me the same thing though.
Don't forget what you really want. Don't let go. Don't lose yourself.

What I really want is many things.
I'm just trying to figure out if I can have them all at once.

I need a weekend in the city.
I can't wait until it's warm, I just want to lay in the sun. That's all.

"He says we can take this weekend, drive out past city limits, keep on driving just as far as we can go. And we can take this weekend, and make it last forever, deal the shackles of our lives a breaking blow. Because to run away is victory, a tank of gas is freedom, and a starry night and open road is hope. We can take my fast car, or maybe just close our eyes, and when we open them the world we want, can be the world we know."

Hope.

I don't know how just 3 nights could make me feel this way.
I don't know how it just fell right into place so easily or how I got used to it so quickly.


I just want him next to me.

I have so much hope for all of this.

001.

Tonight, for the first time in what feels like a very long time, I saw my friends and loved them to pieces again. Like I used to. I miss them.
It felt so good to see my babies running up to me and being greeted with big hugs and big smiles. And feeling like there's enough love inside of me again to return those smiles and really mean it. These kids will always be my home. I can live anywhere and Delaware will always be the only place that ever taught me what it really meant to be happy.
Everything is so good.
My friends, new and old, this boy..
I could think of the bad things, but then again I've always said the only thing that really matters to me is being happy and right now I am. I really, really am. I don't care if I'm not doing anything important with my life for now, I don't care if I'm poor. If I'm happy and the people I love are happy, that's all the matters. Life is too short to make it about anything else.


I'm so tired. But I'm not ready to accept sleeping alone tonight. :(

2 hours drives are better than home.

The past few days have been completely amazing. There wasn't a single moment where I wasn't content. I drove up Monday night with the intention of staying the night and hanging out the next day, it's now Thursday and I just got home about an hour ago. We cooked dinners together, baked a cake, watched movies. He took me out on such a cute little night in Atlantic City. When I'm home with him that's all that's on my mind, nothing else matters. It's crazy how wonderful this has been. I just like holding his hand. I just like waking up next to him. I like hearing every little random story he tells me. I like sitting next to him on the couch when he falls asleep after a long day. I like his family. To the point where I enjoy drinking tea and talking to them while he's at work. The little kisses all day, the breakfasts together. Maybe this is something...real. I truly hope so.

I know I'm still a little quiet around him, but he said he didn't care. The people that feel that way are usually the ones that stick around for quite some time. And in return really get to know me. And despite the way I come off, I can already say I'm more comfortable around him more quickly than I usually ever am. That has to mean something. I can slowly feel myself opening up even more on the inside. I have no control over how long it takes, but this is much different than usual. For once I'm not beating myself up about everything I do.

There's not one single part of me that wants to be sitting in this room right now. I feel like everything I do in the next few days, or however long it is, is just going to be filling up the time until I see him again. I'm thankful me and Melissa are friends again. Even though I know a lot of people and seem to have a lot of friends..they're just so absent lately that it doesn't make a difference what state I'm in because we're still not hanging out. So I'm glad I have one of my good friends back again..it's going to make life a lot more enjoyable when I'm stuck at home. We're resurrecting the Berfday Crew tonight and surprising Andrew with probably cupcakes and who knows what else. Lil' Bruda is 18, all da babies are growing up!

I am never short and to the point.
He just makes me so happy.
Sleeping in this bed tonight is not going to feel right.