The last two days (and hopefully today!) I've been miraculously in a better place. And by that, I suppose I mean just feeling the ability to be fine..I feel O.K. Maybe Fest really did affect me that much and now the post-Fest depression is finally starting to fade, maybe it's that my Asheville plan actually having come together in my head and being realistic, I'm not really sure. But whatever it is I'll take it. Although my other thought is that it's been slightly warm out those past two days and if the weather can really affect my mood that drastically, then I'm in trouble. The sick to my stomach, stressed, feeling like I'm forgetting to do something feeling still randomly sneaks up on me, but less frequently. It's honestly one of the weirdest things I've managed to do to myself yet and I wish it was something I could describe. But it's like my new constant state and I don't know where it's stemming from, or how I'd explain the feeling without knowing the cause.
Last night I went with Melissa to an elementary school she had to volunteer at. We had to watch the children of parent's attending the PTA meeting and we took the ones who wanted to play into the gym. We played an intense game of dodge ball, duck duck goose, on scooters (and I ended up having to pull everyone around for much of the time) and I was lucky enough to play ball with an adorable three year old named Madi Marie. The night made me realize something pretty huge, and that's how therapeutic it felt to me. Anytime I've been referred to as shy, or quiet or any of the like- they're wrong. I'm not shy. I'm not quiet. I have plenty to say, I have no problem doing what I want to do, being independent, saying what's on my mind. But I do have horrible social anxieties in some situations, and it's so difficult to push myself into any of those situations (because it physically makes me feel sick) that I have never, in the 20+ years I've been alive, done anything to try and change the way I am. Because I do function with it, but I do hold back because of it. I've gotten used to and accepted it, but last night just made me realize that it's possible to help myself. It's possible to change the way I've always been and work on it. And as crazy as it would seem to other people, something as simple as duck duck goose can be outrageously difficult for me internally. But working with kids, forced me to push myself through it and act like I was fine. Also it was just fun and different in general and basically I think I have a new interest to pursue, and it's even better that I think it's something that can help me as well.
The idea of doing things with myself here just aren't there. But once I move, the ideas become so much more real. Involvement, that's what my winter is going to be about. I plan on taking the first job that comes to me but continuing to look for something I'll hopefully actually enjoy (namely some kind of vegan establishment or cafe). I've already gotten ahold of the contact info for the Asheville Food Not Bombs chapter, found out you can volunteer at the co-op weekly and recieve 15% of your purchases, I plan on looking up how to volunteer at a local Boys and Girls Club or YMCA and I'm sure when I'm actually there more ideas will come to mind. I'm excited about doing or participating in something for the first time in a long time.
I spent a few nights in Middletown, and I packed up absolutely everything I own. For the first time, I think I'm serious. I needed a way to be, and found it, excited for my future. A point, a reason, a plan.
After volunteering last night Brett came over to Melissa's too and we had a typical taco night and laughed some and I felt alright.
My hope is back and I just need to sell my car, and leave.
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