169

I don't know what I am doing here and I don't know why I have all of these ideas of doing things alone.
My friends have always been the biggest part of my life and the most important, and I am making a massive mistake by not being with them.  

nov

I know better than to ever think I am the type of person who could be the different one, the one it is different with, the one to make a difference.

I believe in some scenarios, those people exist. But I think those type of people are very few and very far between.

I am wrong to ever pretend I will ever be one of them, and based on past experience I can't believe I have ever let myself be dragged back into the "what ifs".

989

You're the only person I find myself wanting attention from.
It's you and I don't know if it'll ever stop being you.

fossil

i wrote about you the other night and forgot to hit save. it was 4 am and i couldnt sleep, so i got up and turned on my light and wrote until sunrise. i forgot to hit save and those words are ghosts now.

it was too hot in my room but there was a slight breeze by the window and i was greeted by a feeling i rarely meet anymore. it was the curiousity of nostalgia and wondering if anything really ever comes back or if all of my waiting will only always be just that.

what really got me up though, was the overwhelming memory of when you were around the corner. walking to your house  in the cold dark even though it wasnt much after 6 pm. calling you from outside, walking in cold and pink cheeks straight in to your new yet familiar, comfortable arms.

sweetpea

Making plans to see the person who broke my heart into a thousand pieces almost two years ago now. I can't even slightly begin to assume what this will or won't do to my heart.

I say I want to be happy, so why do I keep finding myself willingly jumping into situations that will only add to perpetual misery?

001.

this has been the year of fucked up relationships and situations, i'm not really sure how much more of it i can handle. my fears of that are confirmed by the fact that ive never felt myself react to things in the way i have been before. my entire body shaking because im scared or feel so intense i have no control over my reactions, shutting down is the only defense i have left.

my best friend breaking my heart and leaving me feeling more alone than ever.
dealing with unexpected disappointment when i met someone i would have loved to be with and have in my life and not being able to, the loss of something that hardly ever started.
feeling forever uncomfortable and unsafe.
the police pointing shotguns in my face and ever other dangerous situation that could be a reality any time.
meeting someone once again who leaves me wondering why we ever met when all it caused was more unnecessary stress, hurt, and putting me in the situation of being fucked over and feeling fucked up but still caring.
people you know killing themselves and people telling you they hope you cry when they do kill themselves.

i have never wanted anything more than to feel better. but its always been one thing after the other, but how many times can your heart break before it never heals again.

may

seven years ago
i hadn't yet moved to the east coast, nothing matters before then, except for the fact that once upon a time a has a father.

six years ago
i worked and went to high school with all of my best friends, i still speak to one person

five years ago
i was graduating high school, i was not going to prom, i was spending all of my time in northern delaware, there was melissa and there was tyler, we spent weekends at bad metal shows

four years ago
i was walking up and down and up and down and up and down main street, i was laying in andrews basement, i had a huge group of  friends and we spent every day together, i was driving my car all over the mid-atlantic to every show, i no longer have that car nor speak to any of those people

three years ago
every thing changed, nineteen turning 20, i went to kentucky and every thing changed, i went to ohio and every thing changed, i met some people who are still so good and so important, nothing has been the same since and im not sure it ever will be that good again

two years ago
i was in a new town, i was surrounded once again by an entirely new group of people, they all still matter. i was falling for a boy who would soon leave and go to new york city to never call again, i was drinking an entire bottle of wine and crying with my face pressed against the hardwood floor

one year ago
i had dinner $8 drinks at a tapas restaurant downtown treating my best friend for his birthday, i was falling asleep next to him in a house full of my other 5 closest friends, i was playing in our garden, i was planning a good bye party and drinking mad dog slushies with september, waking up still drunk to hug my best friend goodbye when he left to move to california and i cried about it in the food stamp office later

now
its 6 am on a wednesday and im sitting in the dark, i am once again surrounded by strangers that i call my friends

latter

1. the one who once said to me “ring on finger serious” who i had sex with for the first time on valentines day, who made me have nightmares about giving up the things i really wanted to move to new brunswick instead, the one i havent seen since a winter morning on the steps outside that south jersey house, the one who is now married with a step-child.

2. the one who i called my best friend for over two years, the one who would hold my hand when i was sad, the one who would also kiss me to shut me up but no matter how fucked up things were, the one that can still make my entire body shake when i think about the way they feel next to me at night, my arm around their skinny waist, face pressed into their back.

3. the one id have to wander around downtown to find, playing his banjo somewhere on the sidewalk. the one i first felt what the idea of falling for someone really meant. the one that would walk an hour and a half to my house from the opposite side of town just to sit on steps outside with me, the one who left one day, moved to new york city, and never called again.

4. the one i never knew whose hometown was just 30 minutes from mine, the one who i found thousands of  miles from there just around the corner, the one who kissed my hand on the dark ride home in the last place i ever expected good things to happen, the one who now only distance kept away and about whom ill always wonder

001.

I'm going to be the thing for you I couldn't be for anyone else, and I'm not sure you're the one I want.

three of you

I can still feel the way my arm felt around your waist. The idea of falling asleep next to something familiar.

ss

I can't even think about you with out it feeling absolutely debilitating. Why do I feel like this when I've always been the one who cared and you're not even aware of how terrible feeling like I've lost you is. I don't think there's any fixing this anymore and I'm not sure how to just let go. I've lost my best friend, so many future plans, and pieces of my family. You'll always be in the back of my mind some how and I wish that wasn't true.

004.

I've wanted to find it in me for so long now to push myself so hard into the things that are going to make me happy. I'm not currently doing as bad as I've seen myself get, but it can always be better and I'm definitely not where I want to be, where the end goal is. It's just that every time I start working towards something, I get pushed down again. I know this is how my life is, and I know the lifestyle I choose to lead is never, ever going to be on the side of helping me out except for making me a better person, albeit a more depressed better person. But when everything is stressing me out to the point of tossing and turning every night away, it's hard to even acknowledge that I can hardly even handle the little things right now.

Like how I keep calling this person my best friend, when they are not that any more and no matter how close I feel to them when they're there, there is something incredibly fucked up with our relationship and it's just not even there right now, and won't be for a long time now if it's even fixable.

Or how I hate the idea of craving having feelings for someone, the urge to feel butterflies and hold hands. I don't know how to even go about that right now, when I think about trying all I can go back to is that it's not him. It's not you, and that's who I want it to be. I don't know how I get over that, especially when the amazing person i think you are is not going to change and all your best friends are liking my tumblr posts. I'm thinking about the holidays next year, so far from now, when we're both back in our hometowns and so close, i wonder if you'll even still cross my mind come then.

I don't know how much I believe in there being "the one".
The very unfamiliar rational version of myself knows how unlikely it is that in a world so large, there's so few possibilities for love.

But the more familiar irrational version of me is scared you were it and now you're gone.

The absences are always noticed.

I know months from now I won't feel this way. If you're not in my life, I'll look back and wonder how I ever felt that way because you were the one for the person I was then and not who I am now.
I've been there before, I've done that before.

But it doesn't make the facts untrue, the way I've never felt so comfortable so fast with any one before, the way you made me feel things I forgot how to feel.

In an alternate universe, there was so many possibilities.
Yet in this one, there was nothing but our lives working against the possibility of us.

So here I am, 3,000 miles away with just a memory of holding your hand in the dark car and some dried up flowers I left in California.

I just tried to abbreviate our first street name and it came out to be S.A.D. At least that made me laugh.

How is it, everyone I talk to about going through this, they tell me how great of a friend I am.
How they think I'm devoted. I'm "the best". I'm a "good thing".
Yet the one fucking person I actually give the most to, is the only person I can't give enough to for them to appreciate the same things anyone else I love does.

I know what the solution is and it's the same advice every one I've spoken to has given me.
Yet I don't even know if I'm strong enough to go through it.
Regardless of how wrong or right I feel about it, how do I find it in me to push the person closest to me the furthest away?

My whole body shaking involuntarily and barely being audible when I answer your phone call.
I'm not sure about anything anymore, let alone you.

003SS

It's almost 4:30 am, I can listen to music a little louder than usual because both rooms near mine are empty tonight. Lately I can't really describe how I feel about anything. I feel fine sometimes, overwhelmed in others, lonely, but with no where else I'd rather be. I don't want to feel such lack of sleep anymore, I don't want to worry about where money is coming from, I don't want to wonder who I'd go to if something was really wrong. I miss my best friend, who I haven't spoken to in so many weeks now (for some good reason, and some not) and who I'm more terrified of slowly losing than I ever have been or than anyone that's ever slowly faded over the years.

I feel like Atlanta has things to offer me, but at the same time like it might continue to lack something. Some times I need those friendships where we laugh at our terrible sense of humor and things aren't so serious all of the time. As I much as I love the discussions that we have here, how much I feel like I can learn and have opportunities to be a part of and expresses my thoughts more coherently, I don't know how I'll find those direly important friendships I'm used to having, that level of closeness that surpasses what I'm capable of understanding. I can't tell if they're here or not (don't forget how Asheville was).

This morning the weather was nice and I woke up excited to put on shorts and start the day, to find a semblance of happy just in drinking coffee and opening my windows. Yet as the day dwindles on, I notice his absence, I notice feeling alone and knowing I have to make the effort to get to know people better but wishing I had the choice to fall back on someone else if I needed it.

I have absolutely no idea where I'm headed, I can't even begin to imagine.



1. S

I've left so many times, and I know the distance can leave us unaffected- we've done this. I know that you'll miss me too at some point, but I hate how much I miss you now. It'll be close to a year soon from when you first headed west, when you first ended everything we knew about our friendship and left the future of it up in the air. And I've been terrified since of losing you. I've told you that so many times. I've spent a lot more time with you in the past year than I expected to at first, but it's been so bad for us so much of the time I no longer know what to expect from the future at all. You'll be here soon but, as much as I need to see you, as much as I need to fall asleep next to you, having you for a few days and once again getting used to your absence, used to the idea of our lives being so separate, used to the thought of not knowing when I'll see you again, is going to be so fucking hard on me right now. I try so hard to keep the people close to me close no matter the physical distance, but sometimes it doesn't work, sometimes they fade anyways despite all the effort you have to give at the time. Sometimes there's help in the creation of that distance, our lives' interests taking courses too far astray from one another- but it doesn't mean the loss of those people who were once my world doesn't still sting sometimes.  I mean, fuck, there's some who I can't even stand so much as humans who I'll love with all my heart until the day I die. I can't handle the thought of adding you to that list, let alone what it would do to me if one day I wake up to realize you're not a part of my life anymore. You're supposed to be forever, and I want that so bad. I want to know our friendship is going to last so much longer than now, but it's so hard to even begin to picture how that is ever going to happen, how you'll ever be more than a visit or a phone call again. I don't know where my life is taking me and I don't think you know where yours is going either, we have vague ideas, but I hope with all my heart they lead us back to one another one day, hopefully not so far away after all.

002.

I think I forgot, to an extent, how difficult it can be living in a new city sometimes. When everyone around you is relatively new, it's hard not having at least one close friend around. I chose this, I don't know where else I'd be. Yet I'm thinking back to the first months in Asheville and how lonely they could be.

The only comfort I can find is that no matter how hard things were for a really long time, some of those people who were once so new became of the best people in my life. I do really well on my own sometimes, but that doesn't mean I'm not scared of ending up sad and confused and feeling overwhelmingly alone.

I'm just craving the comfort of falling asleep next to someone familiar.

Mm

Everyone I feel an absence of are people that I really shouldn't miss. I don't know where this all came from.

001.

Everything is pretty great, and I can only see it getting better from here. I really love my house, and I can only see that getting better. I'm glad I'm in Atlanta, I spent the last few nights with my best friends in Asheville and the comfort that brought me is irreplaceable, those are some people I want in my life forever, and that place holds the most special place in my heart. I'd go back to the summer of the Fishtank in a heartbeat if I could stay there forever, with all the people and knowledge I have now.

But the one thing that is leaving a piece missing to this whole fucking puzzle of a life of mine, is that I haven't spoken to you minus a feel irrelevant text messages, in far too close to four weeks. It doesn't feel like my best friend even exists and that's an awfully lonely feeling.

new beginnings

I officially live in Atlanta, Georgia. I've been moving around so much in the past months, I think it's going to take a little while to not feel like a visitor and get used to having a home again. Housemates, family meals, my own bedroom, a job, rent. I'm happy to be here, and I'm lucky to already know a good amount of people to already have plans with, things to do, people to call. It's strange knowing there's no one here I'm extremely close to, I'm used to having that one best friend. On one hand, I think it'll be good for me, at least for right now, to be able to focus more on myself, at least starting to do the things I want to do now that I'm in a more solid space and having less distractions. It's funny being in the position once again where everyone else in a place is closer to each other than they are to you, and I didn't expect to be in this situation once again, but here I am and at least now I have the knowledge that it always gets better in case it starts to get me down.

The amount of times I've found myself here really does surprise me, even when I'm the one making the decisions in my life. How many times have I found myself surrounded by a whole new group of people? This time though, at the least, I know there's some best friends just a few hours North that I can go see at almost any time, and I'll have the stability of a home to help me feel more sane and....stable. And hopefully within that stability I'll find the ability to keep doing whats important to me and keep all the pieces of myself I've scattered across the country intact. 

001.

I'm absolutely terrified of having to relearn socializing and my relationships with my friends, to dive head first into my life again.

eight

I'm almost 23 and I'm just as sad as I have been my entire life.

There's nothing I want more than to be able to come here and type only about the good things, but that's never the case and I guess that's never when I need it.

How many times have I walked around a city, late and alone, grasping for the same feelings I'll never stop searching for?

56

I MISS YOU. HOW MUCH MORE CLEAR CAN I MAKE IT?

But the fact of the matter is, i miss nearly everyone in my life at this point. How many people can you  miss with out starting to run out of space?

north

I really don't understand anything that's going on with my life right now. Nothing is terrible, but the stress and these feelings aren't helping me to get back to the place I'd like to be.

When the best friend who is the one thing you have that truly feels like home is pushing you away, as far as to have physically pushed you to leave their town early and the one person you'd really like to see again is 5 miles away as opposed to 900 and of course there's other circumstances but even they are absent from the picture. It's hard to choose the next step when the help you want and the things you need are continuing to dwindle.

The worst part of it all is how unaffected you seem. You make comments every now and then that show you know something is off, but when I express how important I feel like it is to work things out, you seem so distant.

I know the reasons for your actions, but that doesn't make it fair or okay. I can't only be wanted when I'm needed and less important the rest of the time. I can't let all this happen now and the minute you start to actually think about it and need me again, just be there like every other time. But then again how could I not just let you back in?

I don't know what you are to me anymore.

dice

Three and a half months ago, on my second visit to your new town, as we climbed into the smaller bed you had then, I told you between shaking and holding back tears that I was just afraid of losing you. You told me that you didn't think that would ever happen.

I'm doing so much better and I keep saying that because it feels true and meaningful for the first time in as far back as I can remember.

But the only thing deterring me from being even more sure of that, is that for the first time since I fell asleep in your arms that night, I actually feel like it's happening. It feels so one sided, I'm reaching for you and you're not reaching back. You're still there, I can still look into your eyes and see you looking back, but your lack of interest, or lack of expressing any interest, in trying to save something we have that is so important, is pushing me so far away and I don't want to be in this limbo.

I keep telling you I just want everything to be normal and the same and I'm so willing to work for that but my words seem to go right through you and I don't know if there's anything I can do about that, but if there was I'd never stop trying. Why can't you do the same?

002.

How many times can apologises mean something when nothing ever changes?

Someone called this emotional abuse the other day, I want to think I'm stronger than to let that happen to me but isn't that what most people like to think and why they stay?

001.

I got sick and you asked me why that happened.
Truth be told I don't know, but all I wanted to say was "because I don't know who you are right now, and I want my best friend back."

tm

It's really hard not having control over the things you say when you're angry, even when you mean them, even when they're true, even if it's so much of how you feel, because sometimes the repercussions aren't worth it.

You are the most important person to me.
Always.
And I hate this.

Conversations about how to fix things that just leave you feeling more broken.