Tonight made up for spending the rest of the weekend alone. I love my Philly life and can't wait until it starts. Peace outttttttt Dela, no fucking care.


Rittenhouse park, dance party shows that make you feel dizzy when the floors gonna collapse, arm swinging fetishes, french vanilla iced coffees, swimming in logan square fountain with Algernon Cadwallader and Good Luck.

I love Stac Horn and Brit Slope.



seriously...so good.

The only time I've felt content in weeks is while I'm in Philadelphia. That has to mean something. Even with no destination, just walking around center city, I'm alive.

The new mewithoutYou album.. so far it's good. It's not Brother, Sister and it's definitely not Catch For Us the Foxes. It'll grow on me. Or at least I hope, because I could never not love this band.

Oh and I never want to forget this:
Kate: "What band are you talking about?"
Me: "Cut Short, my best friends' band."
Stacy: "Yeah, my band. We're strongly influenced by Coke Bust."

Hahahahaha<3

The more I think about it, the more I can't wait to get out of Delaware. These people don't think for themselves at all. I can't wait to be in the city with so many people, and less of the everyone knows each other thing, less of everyone following the same trends.

this is for the hearts still beating

I had a few shitty days where I was losing my mind, but things have turned around a bit. Saturday night was good, I wasn't in that great of a mood and was pretty indecisive about if I wanted to do anything at all, but I pushed myself into it. And things usually turn out better than expected when I do that. Garrett was randomly into the idea of a Philly trip, so we went. We ate dinner at Gianna's, which IS better than GOvinda's but I love them both. We mostly just walked around most of the night, and also came upon some loud techno music and followed it, and found a tiny alley with a random rave dance party going on. After we left and I took him home I met up with a bunch of my favorite faces on Main street. Then I picked up a really drunk Melissa and drove around with her for like 20 minutes because she "really, really missed me" hahah. It was an eventful night, and anytime I'm just walking around the city I'm completely content.

My better moods being back might have something to do with the idea of June 11th-21st. I am going to be one happy person. Going on tour with Cut Short. Finally. Then I've also figured out how to have enough money for Sound and Fury and my cross country road trip with Garrett. Both of my dreams are coming true this summer, in the matter of only a few months. Things are coming together.

My sister is back to finish out the school year and I'm going to take her to see the Hannah Montana movie tonight.

"I need a purpose and I need a reason. I need to know that there is trophy, and meaning."

I want to go out and enjoy the good weather, but there's no one I'd want to spend my time with. What's wrong with me? I hate everyone right now, what a piece of shit.

Pessimist forever. As much as I try for the other.

The second hardest time of my life was brought on by the fact that I couldn't convince myself that I was good enough. Because I couldn't convince myself that I had something to offer. Because I couldn't get past my insecurities, jealousy, heartbreak. I couldn't step up, be the friend I could be, and say "Hey, this isn't what I wanted but you can't help it. I still love you and I'm going to do what I can to keep you in my life and be here the way it's meant to be." Because I over thought every little move, because I couldn't stand not to get my way, because I analyzed the entire situation and it consumed my thoughts. I got over it eventually, even if it did hurt like hell.

But this time around, the situation however similar, is also so much different. I never gave you my heart in the way I did in the previous story. I gave you my heart in a way that can't be given back. Because no matter that friendships end, you never want that little piece of heart back. It's never regretted. Every best friend that steps into your life had a purpose and a reason, no matter how short or long lived their stay was. So my heart is theirs, my heart is yours forever. You are attached to me like a limb, you're a part of who I am. I wouldn't want to go day by day without our friendship and because of this, this situation would turn out so much worse. I can't let myself drag it down with insecurities, I can't let myself feel anything other than happiness, I can't let myself analyze and whine over outcomes. I can't let myself destroy the things that mean the most because I'm not getting my way. And I can see it happening. The story unfolding is all too familiar, I can see the pages slowly turning in my thoughts..and I just want to rip the book to shreds. The thought of this turning out the way it did last time..it would break me to the point of no return. I got over it once after days, weeks, months past. I wouldn't be as lucky this time.

twm

How do you know me better than I know myself? You seem to have a grasp on the way my mind works in a way even I don't understand. These tears rolling down my face are proof that you're not going anywhere. Thank you, you have no idea how much I love you.

This feeling is unbearable and I don't know where it came from. I need so much more than this.

4109

Last night was one of the best nights of the year. I can't entirely pin point why, it's just nights when I'm left with this one specific feeling. It's not even that amazing of a feeling, it's just genuine happiness. Optimism. Being happy seems like it should come easier, but it doesn't. So when a night rolls around where nothing is bringing me down, and when I leave and the exciting parts are over but I'm still completely fine..those are the nights that go down with the best in my book.

Anyways, my day and night consisted of waking up and getting ready, baking all the cupcakes for the night to accompany the cookies and brownies I baked the night before, and then decorated them all for CUT SHORT'S record release. I bake a ridiculous amount and by the end of the night every single last crumb was gone, it was a bigger success than I thought it'd be. And AJ told me if I start baking tons of Vegan things for his shows that he'll pay me. I guess Culinary school may be a good choice for me. We got to the show around 4:30, unloaded and chilled. SO MANY PEOPLE CAME OUT, and i've never seen that many people get into the set to date and the amount of merch I sold was ridiculous. I feel like a proud mom, I get so happy for my boys. Worlds, War Pigs, Strength For A Reason, Dead and Buried, and Mother of Mercy were the rest of the lineup. Not one band disappointed. After the show I took Tyler home and chilled with him and Orion for a bit and then went back down to Middletown around midnight to hang out with Stacy and Brittany. I love those girls so much and after last night, I'm so excited for what next year is going to consist of. And there's already talk of an apartment a year from now. We were up til about 5 in the morning just being completely ridiculous, I had tears rolling down my face a good portion of the time due to immense amounts of laughter and those are always the best times. This morning, or afternoon to be honest, we woke up, made pancakes, and had a candle lit breakfast. It was cute.

For the first time in a long time, I'm happy. And not just right now, in general. I've felt what I thought could be happiness again a few times in the past few months. But this is something different, and I have my hope back which is something I thought might of been gone for good.

ARE WE GOOD FRIENDS OR NOT? It's taken us so long to be close, and it's been so good lately. Don't change it now, make up your goddamn mind.

I don't want your money, I don't want your favors, I don't want your repayments. I would do any and all of this because I WANT to, because theres no few people I care more about, because it makes me feel warm to see you smile. I would do any and all of this completely for free if you would just give me a little recognition or a thank you and a love you.