is this the way it goes?

Everyday I feel like I wake up, forgetting more and more of my past. It gets more and more distant in my mind, the colors fade and everything blurs. I can't fucking stand it. If I thought about it more, maybe I'd remember, maybe those memories would stay with me forever. I'm so scared of forgetting everything, I don't want to forget anything. But I can't use all my time trying to remember because it hurts too much. And when it hurts too much, I can't leave the safety of my room, under the covers, with no light. I have to give up my past if I ever want to live again, if I want to really have any future. And I'm not sure if I can do that.

There was a time.

There was a place.
There was a season.
Where we felt more alive.
Where we felt like there was so much more to live for.
And it wasn't just felt, it was right there in front of us.
So close you could see it and if you ran fast enough you'd be holding it in the palm's of your hands.
That feeling's not gone, but it's lost it's vibrant color.
It's lost it's taste in our mouths and it's scent that filled the air around us.
It's hiding, and we don't know where to start looking.


How long can you yearn for something before it kills you?

we used to roll the windows down and play the music loud.

I have fallen so hard back in love with Philly.


Melissa, Andrew Fusca, Nick, and myself went on a little trip last night and as unepic as it was, it was ridiculous wonderful all the same.

I thought I was done with his, but old habits can come back to haunt you I guess.
I don't really care though, I'm living. and I feel gooooood.

Hung out with Melissa, Alex, and Alex's new boyfriend Tyler. He's a sweetheart. It wasn't that amazing of a night, but I was content regardless. I feel like we reminienced a little too much though.

Pack your fists full of hate.

Take a swing at the world. These kids stick to themselves, carry angst in their words. Where we'll never be a part of this cursed fucking town. So we stand amongst ourselves, watch it burn to the ground, burn to the fucking ground.



I've been happy since thursday, I love the people in my life again, I never want to lose this feeling.

Poplar Drive

I miss sitting on your cold kitchen floor at 3 in the morning, eatting fruity pebbles, talking about life. I miss afternoon naps on your couch after school sophmore year . I miss sitting on my spot on the counter while I make you cook me Cup O Noodles because I just can't do it right. I miss summer visits and the fact that you're one of very few people who I can go months, years even, with out seeing or talking and the minute we're toghether again, it's as if we had just hung out the day before. I miss how you always told me the truth, no matter how brutal, you never told me one single lie. But you always seemed to be able to tell me the truth in a way that made sense and made it not hurt at all. I miss my side of your comfy bed and laying around for hours reminencing about 6th grade or reading Chicken Soup to eachother hahah. I miss 15 hour movie nights(days), spending all day at the river eatting chullitos, and staying up all night just to watch Three's Company or Law and Order (even thought you've seen every episode). I miss your dad grabbing my feet, not letting go, while I sit extremely awkwardly and he yells at me when I try to move them. I miss your entire fucking family and how your house is one of the few places in the world where I feel completely at home. I miss nights out on the trampoline looking for ufos, sitting in your car before you could even drive it, and walking to best buy for a tooth bursh and mexican candy. I miss how we're so different yet so much the same, and how our lives are always going to be so different but I don't think anyone else will be able to quite understand what I mean without me ever having to open my mouth.

I miss what seven years gave this friendship.
And I'm so sorry I never call.

I don't care.

I care way too much.



I had a good few hours tonight. Hanging out with Andrew and Melissa, playing Uno, listening to Bruce Springsteen.

"Patriotism, sir, is the last resort of scoundrels."

I eyes burn constantly from the hate that's behind them. It's not hate directed at anyone personally, it's hate towards life as a whole. I feel trapped and I could leave my room at any minute, but I have no where and no one to run to, so I stay trapped. To put it bluntly, I feel like complete shit but I'm not physically sick at all.

It's so very, very weird the few people who I'm closest to these days. It's never who you expect. Close isn't the word, I'm not close with anyone..I'll say, the ones who show any care.

Everything will slow down.

I wish it wasn't so hard to please me. I wish I didn't reply so much on feelings. I know people who can be friends with anyone, hang out with anyone, and if they get along, that's all that matters. But I rely so heavily on "vibes" if you will, a person can be the nicest person ever, with a bunch in common with me, but still if it doesn't feel right, it'll never be right. I rely too much on comfort zones as well. I'm screaming about getting out of here and needing new people, and I get chances and then I'm not happy with them. I sit in a room full of strangers and instead of looking at this as a room full of oppotunities, I long for the friends I do have, the friends I already know, and think about how much I'd rather be surrounded by them. It's just a much more comfortable feeling. To get in a car full of familiar faces and do absolutely nothing with our lives. Than it is to try everything new and not know the outcome and not feel right about putting foward a ton of effort to make anything new work.

The part that just kills me is that I long for those old friends rather than the new because I love them, I already know them, and they're my comfort zone. Yet when it actually comes down to it, I'm longing for what it was, not what it is. I sit there wanting to choose them over the new option, but when I do have them, it's not what I want either. I want things to go back to the old way so badly, and it's never going to. I'm just trying to figure out how to cope with that. I won't just accept it and move on though, because I know theres better than feeling like the old is gone and the new sucks. I know I deserve to be happy again and not just forcing myself to be content.

I guess I can't just assume that because the first new options I gave change proved to be less than what I expected that everythnig will turn out that way. Maybe those friendships just werent meant to be the replacements, maybe I still have to wait a little longer and search a little harder.

to finish this all up though with out typing five page lengths:
-I dropped out of Del Tech
-Halloween was awkward and an adventure all at once. I'm not sure where a friendship will go with Chrystina but I'm thankful for the memories.
-I'm also thankful for the people in my life who I'm completely comfortable around and that I can speak freely around. Although last night was a bummer because Andrew's car broke down I'm glad I got to go out for a few hours with those old friends that I feel at home with.
-I've been spending too much time alone and sleeping the last few weeks, I'm trying to change that, but I don't know how to start living like I need to. I've got a lot of decisions to make, and a life to make, but I'm a little lost about how to go about it. The next few months aren't going to be anything, just me doing what I want to do. The future can be on hold for a bit.