003.

I want to go home.
I want to be home and available for my best friend when she needs me. It kills me that I'm here instead.
I want to go back to MY life that I am fully capable of living on my own, taking care of myself and not having to explain my reasoning for any actions, talking about what I'm going to do or having to tell anyone my plans. Let me be twenty. I've been on my own for long enough now to know how to be.
I want to not feel like I'm going to throw up over stupid social anxieties where I worry and stress myself over potential friendships and friendships with people I haven't even met yet. This is nothing new, but I feel so sick thinking about all the friendships and relationships I am going to ruin and continue to ruin because I can't control how I'm going to act in any given situation. I can't speak, I can't give people the chance to get to know me, I can't be lively and interesting. I have no control over it.
I want to not feel like I'm going to throw up over developing a crush on someone through their hand writing, and knowing that I will more than likely blow it and not even end up good friends with this person.
The idea of going home and going to Fest and living my life again are supposed to be good thoughts, happy thoughts. But instead all I can think about is how disappointed I'm going to be in myself when I see everyone I want to get to know hanging out and not being able to be a part of it. I feel so sick to my stomach over it.
I want to feel like my life is going somewhere and even if it doesn't that I did everything I wanted to do and had the time of my life and made a difference and lived out everything I was supposed to.

I just want to go home. My home.
I'm here in my mother's house with my family, but this isn't my home.
My home is on the city streets with my best friends.
They are my family and the mid-atlantic is my home.

I don't want to feel lost. I want to feel free and weightless again.