023.

Ups and downs and ups and downs.
I was mistaken, I'm not totally happy. I'm getting there, but right now I'm just content. I'm happy, but it's not the happiness I'm used to. The I love my life so much my heart is going to burst out of my chest happiness.
I can deal with that, because I know I'll make it there again one day. It's just so strange because usually those two feelings go hand in hand. I've never experienced one without the other. This is new/different.
Every thing, every day is different.
I never know how I'm going to feel or how it'll end up, but I'm living.

All I an really say about anything right now is 1. Thank god for Melissa Stafford and 2. My heart is way, way too big sometimes.. but I just can't help how much I care.

Last night I hung out with Joanna and Garrett, I was so hyper. Yelling out the van windows, drinking too much coffee, chasing Tyler around. Tonight I went grocery shopping with Mellie and Brett tonight. Helping Melissa pick out good things, etc. Then we went home and cooked vegan sloppy joes, baked beans and drank root beer and sat around the table talking for a few hours. I would be so, so lost with out her.

When I go out the past few days, I feel detached from the rest of the world. But very happy just being on my own, trapped in my own head. It's lovely. I feel invisible in a good way.

Revelations?

"Is it weird to say that before we were even friends I looked up to you? I still think you're probably one of the strongest girls I know with an awesome ability to let stuff roll off your shoulders."

I know the most amazing people. I am lucky to have such great friends. It's the one thing I never let myself forget.

On another great note: This entire fucking state is going vegan. Garrett, Melissa and Brett all have come over to da dark side this week. I am taking total credit for it.

Everything lately is so strange.
These feelings are just unfamiliar and unexpected.
I didn't know how to go about getting here, but it happened on it's own.
I'm HAPPY. I'm in a good place.
I go out every single night. I fill all the hours.
Not a day passes with out my friends anymore.
Things I've always wanted are landing right at my feet.
I'm being reacquainted with the happiness I've been searching for ever since I lost it through the winter.
I'm feeling like myself again.
I'm excited, I'm falling back in love with everything around, everything that makes up what I've always considered my life.

I have signs every day that I am exactly where I should be.
More than happiness, I'm feeling so care-free.
Free. Alive.
When I'm alone in the back seat of Melissa's car and I just stick my head out the window and stare at the sky. Life is not serious. You're here and then you die.
So I do whatever I want, I make sure I'm smiling.
I'm spending all my time with people I love, I'm laughing, I'm living my life.
Serendipity is everywhere.
Life really does move on.

But there's still something missing.
And I feel it whenever I'm alone.
And I know what it is.
And I still get sad on those late drives home.
I don't want to feel as detached as I'm beginning to feel.
Life moves on, but I don't want to leave anything behind and regret it later.

But I kept saying I'd be okay, and finally I am.
I'm breathing. (I wasn't sure I even was the past few weeks.)
I'm understanding things again. I'm learning.
I'm reattached with my emotions, I have some control.
I am really living MY life again.

022.

Perfect is: being completely content spending Friday night alone spontaneously driving to Washington D.C. listening to the same The Sidekicks and The Loved Ones mix CD over and over the entire trip, drinking a Slurpee, arriving at a house show just as Touche Amore is about to play, screaming your heart out to a majority of the songs on one of your favorite albums in the entire world, having the cops show up and bust it right as the last song is ending, and driving home feeling truly happy.

"You let your doubt lead you like a river on and on. And you will never get back to save what you had. Hear me promise, I will bury your problems in me. So sleep soundly. I held your heart in my fingers. Now it's gone, it's gone, it's gone. And you will never admit that you bid the wind blow the flames out and buried the coals in the sea. You tricked me."

Why is it so much can happen in 3 weeks time? In so many different ways.
Looking back so far, 2010 has just been one huge mindfuck.
I don't see that changing anytime soon, but I think I'm more prepared now.

021.

Last night was beautiful.
Walking around the city all afternoon, sitting around backyards and making new friends, slurpees, secret house shows in West Philly that go down in Philadelphia house show history (Lighten Up, Algernon Cadwallader, The Loved Ones and Paint It Black) with way too many people, laying on the sidewalk looking at the sky feeling like you're dead but in such a good way, subway rides and sleepovers on hardwood floors.
I could say so much more, but for now...time to keep running.
Reaching? Searching?
Something.

020.

I am slowly going to figure out how to be okay. The little weird things that have been happening to help remind me, are working just as they should. The fact that I found "meaning" in LOCKING MY KEYS AND PHONE IN MY CAR ONCE AGAIN YESTERDAY, surprised the hell out of me.

As long as the weather is warm, I'm going to be a happy girl.

I got a text from Kyle last night that read, "But you're Tesla. You're supposed to always be happy." I'm glad it's not just me that knows these things about myself.

Tonight is going to be a good night. Secret shows at secret locations.
I'm reliving the favorite times in my life tonight. I'm even postponing the trip with Orion because of this.
Oh West Philadelphia.

"But it's okay...because you're Tesla.."

I am Tesla Nicole Reese.
I'm Vegan.
I live sober.
I like music.
I like puppies.
I like summertime.
I like DIY.
I like good conversation, traveling, South Park and cooking/baking.

I don't know much, but I'm figuring it out.

019.

Everything in my life currently feels like a waiting game right now. I feel like I can learn to deal with it but I'm not sure how to start. At some point things are going to get amazing and fast paced once again, summer summer summer.

My mom called me tonight, and once again is changing the plans for the California trip. I needed it. I need to get out of here for a little while, and now that escape is dead and I'm not sure what to do with myself for the rest of March, then April...

Summer is showing so mucuh promise though. And the nights I can spend with my friends are reminding me how fun I can be and have and why these kids are my home.
Saturday night in New Jersey with Joanna, Ashley, and Lizzy was a night filled with laughter and too many inside jokes. Sunday I sat around Main St all day with Melissa and I swear to god..I wouldn't be alive right now if that girl and me weren't back in each others lives. She means so much these days. Tonight I went out to dinner/hung out for awhile with Joanna, Garrett, and Kyle. I strangely miss how close Kyle and I started to get last fall. It was nice that he pursued seeing me before I was going to be gone for a few weeks, even if I won't necessarily be for a little while now. And I'm also realizing lately just how close Garrett and me really are. He truly is one of my closest, best friends. EVEN IF HE DIDN'T KNOW MY BIRTHDAY. However after harrassing him about taking me on tour in June, I kind of got it out of him that I'm going and that I can pretty much safely say I'll forever be on tour with Cut Short anytime they leave. As if they had a choice anyways... :)

No matter how lost I feel, how I have no idea what to do with myself or my life, at least I can rely on the one fact that weird shit and connections and coincidences will never cease to exist in my life. Melissa and me were just talking yesterday about how if you have a weird story or something strange happen to you, I can sit there and be able to one up you no matter what. Just this week and seeing Kyle at the same random Wawa at 3 am, "the balls in your court"..I'll never understand my wn life, but I wouldn't have it any other way.

I cut my hair. Kind of an in between of the two styles I've been thinking about for months. I didn't REALLY cut it, I would never lose the length. Just cut the left side realllll short in the front. Uppin da punx 4evr. Sometimes I get urges to do crazy things, this was one of those times. Luckily, I love it. I've been needing changes.

I just want summer. So many plans are shaping up.
May: Toby in Philly, Vermont, Rad Fest in NC, Converge, Crucial Fun Fest in KY, Boston
June: Defiance, Ohio in Philly, Tour, Berea Fest in OH
July: MY BIRTHDAYYY..this is also probably the month I'll just jump on a train and end up anywhere. Little Rock, Portland, Knoxville, who knows..
August: This Is Hardcore, Plan-it-X fest in IL

I'll also still be driving to CA at SOME point. I also HAVE to fit in Arizona/the river. And I'd like to go stay with Tatianna in Nor Cal as well. Maybe I'll find the money to waste April there. And I've been talking about hitchhiking with Orion and Chris, both relatively soon. So many people are just ready to get out..

018.

I HATE when I wake up feeling like this. It's been the past 2 days in a row, and I wonder how many months it'll take until I mean it when I say I don't care. I've never ever been in a situation quite like this, so I guess it's just hard going about things. The nights I come home so stoked on life, it's easy to push it away. It's the mornings where I wake up alone with no plans, not just today but any time in the immediate future, that I feel it. I feel this. The weirdest part is each day, each time, the feelings a little different. But I don't know if that means it's getting better or easier or if it's just ..different.

I find myself making plans with people I normally wouldn't. Texting people I don't think I really want to talk to, just to fill the space. I don't think it's a good thing. The last two days though, I don't think I'm sad about anything other than the overwhelming feeling of missing something, someone.

It's letting go versus not feeling like the stories over.
I don't think there's an in between. I don't think the middle ground exists.

Missed.

I am about 90% sure I'm leaving on Saturday to drive myself and my dog in a large Uhaul to California and then flying back. I am going to put everything inside of me into making this one of the best experiences of my life.

017.

I made the right decision last night (especially since The Carrier ended up dropping the show). I wasn't very excited about going to Tigers Jaw, last time I tried to see them at Ava House it was just annoying..but this time, sooo sosososo worth it.

Despite the crowded, sweaty, smoke filled room, I can honestly say that's the most fun I've had at a show in a long time. I didn't expect that to be the case at all, especially since I've gone to a show every night this week since Monday, excluding Tuesday, seeing favorite bands every night. I'm probably going to the Crucial Dudes show in Jersey tonight, I wonder how long I can keep the trend going.

The feeling that Tigers Jaw left me with though..it was Algernon shows circa summer 2008. Not many people would understand what I mean by that..but those that do and remember that feeling..know it's one of the most amazing things we'll have ever gotten to experience. They played 2 new songs, one off of Spirit Desire, and 4 off of the self titled. Literally all 4 songs I would of wanted them to play. Dancing with some best friends and some strangers (and deej hahah), screaming the words so so loud with the entire crowd, the floor bouncing with the potential for caving in.

Everything was perfect.

"And this was all a dream and it's coming back to me. A portrait in grey scale, a perfect betrayal. And I can't even breathe with this weighing on my chest. You knew me at my best, now I can't even stand on my own."

As corny as it may come off, I think I may have developed/be developing an addiction to live music/dancy punk shows. Obviously music is a huge part of my life (I will never forget walking around Atlanta with Tyler and him saying "you have a major fucking hard on for out of state shows"), but lately this is different. When a day goes by I don't have a show to go to, my day doesn't feel complete. It seriously feels like this is what I need to fill any voids. When some people are unhappy they find addictions in negative things- party, drink their problems away, etc. I go searching for that feeling that only those nights give me, because it's the only time I feel 100% alright and don't give a fuck about anything else in the world.

I have no money. The money I do have, every cent is spent on getting me to the places where I know I'll find happiness. I don't really have a job, I don't have a clue what I want to do with my life, but for now..I've decided to not care. I'll figure it out when the warm weather leaves again. Until then I'm going to hang out. Be happy. Travel. Smile. Surround myself with the ones I love. Love, in general. Spending every cent I have on the shows I want to see and the gas money to get there. I have no need for it anywhere else. I can crash on couches all summer, and I'm fine with that.
I don't have to grow up yet.

016.

Yesterday was decent. I had to try and pull myself up and not let that bored feeling creep over me and I think I was pretty successful. I drove up to Philly way too early and ended up just walking like 70+ blocks all day, getting lunch and sitting on some curb in the sun, and naping/laying around/reading in Rittenhouse and then Logan Square. Finally I ended up going back to South Philly and right when I walked up to Ava House Stacy and Brittany had just gotten there too so I looked like an idiot and screamed Stacy's name and ran after them, we saw Two Funerals and Snowing and walked around a bit. P.S. Eliot played, we danced, and other than the fact that I was annoyed with the people in front of my not moving around whatsoever..it was still nice to see a band who's album has been one of the only things I've been listening to the past few months.

I swear I always lose those talks. We both know each other, even if I tell myself otherwise. I'm so sad about this situation that I keep letting my thoughts wander. I still think it's partially okay since I have no way of knowing how he feels (however now I think I do, and I should probably stop questioning it) or what's ok and what's not or really how to go about anything. But I have to stop being stupid, I'm just making things worse. Whatever happens in the future is out of my hands..which I've said about a billion times now but I think it's all just because I miss him.
Constant contact to none at all, it's a noticeable absence.
Especially when it's someone you care about and get along with.
As much as it's easier being mad, that also tends to just ruin good things.

Yesterday was the first time I've seen/hung out with Brittany in months that I missed my friend a little bit. The three of us had some really, really fun times. Beach trips, Punk Rock Flea Market weekends, Andrew Jackson Jihad, sleepovers and laughing hysterically at 3 am in Brittany's basement about tape even if now we can't remember why it was funny at all, climbing on roofs on main st last 4th of July, house shows in Baltimore. However I don't think it matters anymore. Some friendships just fade. I RARELY let that happen, but sometimes you have no control over it.

Speaking of that, I texted Kellie a few nights ago. I miss her so much. I apologized, said I'd pay her back for her trip she couldn't go on one day, and told her I missed her. No reply. I seriously can't believe we're going to let go of an almost 9 year friendship because I got evicted from my apartment and couldn't have her come visit. She's the only person in the world that is probably my completely opposite who I need around, who despite all that, I can still talk to and trust and understand and get along with. Her home is a home to me. I'll try once more whenever the next time I'm in Arizona is if I never hear from her. I don't think she could ignore me if I was in the same state/town as her.

"I know you know this."

Good Luck last night was awesome, as expected. They're such a fun/awesome band to see live.
I swear the only time I feel 100% amazing lately is when I'm at a show dancing my little heart away.
No other care in the world in those moments.

Never.

I wish none of this had ever happened.
Not if this was going to be the outcome.

Not one part of this makes sense. Fuck it.
I don't understand. I never will understand.
So I'm running far away from my problems.
I can't stay here.

Goodbye.

015.

"Take it from an ex-squatter, you're not failing at anything. You're following your heart. Honestly, it sounds like you're succeeding more than most people I know. Fuck school, fuck work, fuck the system. The future is relative. What is the future? 5 minutes from now? Tomorrow? Now if the only thing that matters. Keep following your heart. That's the only way to find true happiness. It's pathetic that so many people are brainwashed into thinking that what they are told is right rather what they want is right. I think it's crazy we haven't talked at all before this, haha. I'm glad this conversation happened."

This right here was the best thing about my trip, a conversation via text message with someone back home. Not to say the rest of the trip wasn't fun, but if anything..it was worth it for this. Because if I hasn't confined in a friend of a friend that I was currently in North Carolina because I just took off looking for something, anything, resembling happiness or adventure or feelings of "right", I wouldn't have received that. If I hadn't been in North Carolina at the time, this conversation never would of taken place.
Saved in my phone, I'll probably read it once a day.

Someone else gets it.
Last August. September. October.
I felt feelings I’d never known before in October. Those kinds of feelings are my favorite. Really knowing you’re experiencing something for the first time. I never knew what feeling FREE was like before then. My ‘fall break’. Sleeping on Tyler Mullen’s couch, no money to my name.. I felt more alive than anyone else in the world. I was on a completely different level. I was so detached from everyone else, but in a good way. I was very, very care free. I don’t even think words do justice. I will keep searching and searching until I know it again.

014.

"You know that part of the trip where you stop regretting spending so much money on it and that doesn't matter at all anymore?"
"Is that this moment?"
"Right fucking now."

I'm currently in Tennessee. I wasn't expecting this to be a part of the trip, but I didn't feel like driving home the same way we came. I left looking for an adventure, and I'm sure as hell going to find it. And this is a pleasant surprise. I'm sitting on a bed in a Super 8 Motel with my best friend. This is all that matters, this is what life is about. At least mine.

013.

It's faked. It's all faked.

I'm sitting in a Barnes and Noble in Asheville, North Carolina.
This trip would be a lot more enjoyable if it wasn't windy and freezing outside and we had money to even eat with it, let alone enough gas to get home with haha.
I still have hope for this to be an amazing trip. I think tonight will change everything. It's been fun so far, but not Vermont.
The next few hours need to pass.
.....I just wanna dance!

012.

"At least I'll have lived a life, a life I wanted to. Cause living a life you don't want to shouldn't be called living at all."

Last night was seriously summer. It turned out a lot better than I expected it to, especially considering I FORCED myself to go hang out when I really didn't feel like leaving the house. So glad I did. I met up with Andrew and Nick and we talked and told stories for a little while, just catching up. Then we decided to just go up to Newark because Delaware really lacks anything else to do even when you try and brainstorm. We picked up Buff, and then through out the night hung out on Main Street with just about everyone..Zoe, Tyler, Orion, Kyle, picked up Melissa and Brett, etc. Even though we didn't do anything other than loiter in various locations and eat California Tortilla (which me and Melissa decided is going to be our new thing since it was $3.98 for a black bean burrito and a side of chips and guacamole..we also laughed about how we didn't even have plans to hang out but ended up leaving everyone else and just having it be the two of us for a little while. Typical.) I was just laughing hysterically all night (the Cali Tort employee getting so stoked when Van Halen came on the stereo, the massive amounts of entertaining drunk people out aka the girl who couldn't stand and tried to open every door on main st because she didn't know where she lived, really it's sad but fuck drunk girls and drinking, the guy INSIDE Dunkin Donuts that lit a cigarette, texting Melissa's stalker) and it felt so good. We had so much fun, and it's honestly all I want. Just that feeling again...all the time. It's so easy to love my life when I'm out with my favorite people, laughing, and falling asleep smiling every night. It's. all. that. matters.




I've never felt any feeling as torn as this one. It's weird wanting someone to be so happy, but also hating that they can be perfectly happy without you, when you aren't happy without them.

Such is life I suppose. I'm done spending days being sad when I have no control over the future.
http://www.last.fm/music/Lemuria/_/Length+Away

And today I leave for North Carolina with my best friend until Tuesday. I hope this goes down with every other out of state trip I've ever been on. I'm anticipated for the memories and feelings and smiles and laughs that are about to come my way in a matter of hours. Defiance, Ohio AND Toby Foster tomorrow...."FUCKYEAH!"

Thursday, March 06, 2008

OVER TWO YEARS AGO.
BITING TONGUE (11:25:06 PM):
i never got the chance to tell you how much of an amazing friend you are.. but more of a sister to me. ive never walked in your shoes. i would never know what it would be like to, but i cant even compare the pain and seperation to what youve experienced in life. i wish i could. youre hilarious tesla, youre always anticipated for something new, somewhere different to go, something else to listen to. i only realize it at certain times. but i guess now is one of those times. i love you. i just wanted to let you know that.

Oh Tylar Mulan. Reality check. Things like this bring so much back into perspective. I am so lucky to be cared about by so many people, I love my best friends. I just need to remind myself sometimes. I still owe this state my life. It's still the only place that showed me what it meant to love.


I am going to be okay.
I am going to be okay.
I am going to be okay.
I am going to be okay.
I am going to be okay.

011.

Last night I was up until 4 am. I don't remember the last time I saw 4 am, it's been a month or two now I suppose.
I still woke up at 9.

I'm getting used to it, I never thought I'd see the day I enjoyed being up "early".

Last night/Thursday was also just...inspiring. Everything about it. It made me realize there's still good, genuinely nice people out there. Fact: most people are shitty, but I just really love good people.

Myself, Melissa, Orion, and Sydney when to dinner at Peace a Pizza, Orion paid for a whole cheeseless pizza and we hung out and ate and Orion and I talked about hitchhiking to Knoxville, Tennessee in a few weeks. We also talked about how Chris Geddis has been talking about doing some train hopping when it gets a bit warmer, and I think I've basically gotten an invite. It's funny how these things I always wanted (even just TALKING to Chris about trains/traveling) are just falling into my lap now. Chris would be bringing his puppy too :D!!! Although Orion made a good point, "I don't know how I feel about it though. Holding a pitbull running next to a moving train, throwing my pitbull onto the moving train, and throwing myself onto a moving train with an angry pitbull" hahaha. I'm glad Orion's becoming a better friend lately. It's cool meeting people with similar interests, intellegent conversation and a whole library of books for me to borrow.

After dinner the 4 of us went to the screening Orion was putting on at UD of When The Night Comes. I don't know the name of the organization but it's a lot like all of the invisible children things and I believe Melissa and me will be voluenteering at their event in Philadelphia on April 24th. It's for the awareness of Malaria in Africa. It was seriously so sad, but I finally feel the need to go out and help and do something reinstated in my mind. SO I will.

After that we hung out for an hour or 2, walked around Newark, and talked. It was such a good night, so many plans and just being out and feeling ..right? Yes, I felt right. Then we went to this poetry night thing that Orion goes to every Thursday. It was just some random house, with a bunch of people and it was one of the coolest things I've ever experienced. We walk in and no one looks at you funny, just interested. One of the guys pointed out me and Melissa and told us to come back all the time. Everyone was so different and unusual but just seemed so genuine. We meet Colin, the big black guy sitting next to the chair me and Mellie shared, and some how within the first 5 minutes of us being there I'm in the middle of the room being taught how to punch correctly. We were there for a few hours, listening to some amazing things, and it was the kind of thing I just love experiencing. We're definitely going back.

These are the nights that feel like my life. Always something new, random, and exciting.

Sitting there, I was overwhelmed with the tour-feeling. I want to be back in an unfamiliar, potentially uncomfortable place. I didn't want to go home and sleep in my own (well sort of) bed that night. I wanted nothing more than to be curling up on some strangers couch or throwing my sleeping bag down in a free corner in an unknown house and sleeping the night away. Just to wake up in the morning, eat breakfast with unfamiliar faces, and move on to the next strange town just to do it all again.

.....

Today was not the kind of rainy day that's enjoyable at all. Today has been rough.
I thought it'd be easier considering how inspiring last night was. New friends and exciting plans when the weather stays warm.



Summer, where are you? I need you so bad.





I want to fall asleep smiling every night again.

3/5/08

“I’ll just post your pic in a thread on b9 called ‘H0t local vegan Cali/Arizona/Delaware single hxc/indie girl’ and bump it every day”
“Hahah I just laughed out loud. Oh god, at least I’m...unique?”
“You’re Tesla...nuff said”

:)

Thank you for everything ever, Andrew Kenneth Benenati.

"Your death by time, age and long distance"

I want my Polar Bear Club tattoo.

I want to go back to 12:50 am October 31st, 2009.
They opened with Living Saints and little did I know it was going to be the most memorable and meaningful set I ever got to experience.

I miss feeling that free. Dropping out of college, living out of my car, sleeping on Tyler's couch and leaving for Florida for a week with no money or real plans. Just feeling alive and living minute to minute being happy walking down the street in the heat in cut offs and vans not having to think about what to do when we got home. Just experiencing a weekend I will never ever forget. Laying in alleys under trees with a good friend in Gainesville, Florida waiting for Defiance, Ohio to play.
I want MY life back. It's getting there. I'm more alive than anyone I know most days, time to get it back.

010.

Today I'm just really, really sad. I don't know what to think right now at all. But I do know that I refuse to let my emotions ruin anything either.

I woke up with a sore throat and it hasn't gone away all day. I feel like I'm getting sick. I think I'm half to blame for this. Not eating lately due to lack of appetite, not sleeping much, going going going when I wasn't used to it before. This is horrible timing though. I need something, anything, to make me feel better. I don't want to feel emotionally AND physically drained. I have too much to deal with right now.

I went to Philly again today and applied to a few more places. I also found a sublet for $330 from the end of the month til mid May. I think I really like that option because that way if I don't end up wanting to stay in Philly..at least I can get out of Middletown for now and figure out what I want for sure after that.

I got Maoz by myself and sat in the "secret pizza eating spot", I'm glad that no matter how alone I feel lately..I've still always been able to do things by myself and not mind/even enjoy it. I think it makes me a stronger person.

009.

Now I'm just mad. I'm completely understanding of the confusion, depression, and needing to figure any and every thing about life out, so I wish that was all there was to it. But this is just flat out fucked and hurtful.

Maybe I'm better alone. Not to say I wouldn't go back 2 weeks and pause it.. but I don't want to look for anyone else, I don't want to move on. I don't want to try a billion options.. I'd much rather go back to being happy alone. If you can't be happy alone, you're never going to really be happy. I've made the mistake multiple times now of relying on someone else for my happiness and I will never ever do it again. It's so out of character for me. Even if I end up getting what I want some day, I still refuse to lose myself ever again. I'm going to go on with my life. I'm going to reacquaint myself with myself in the few more weeks of iffy weather. I'm going to smile. I'm going to stay close to the kids that hold my heart. And then this spring, and more importantly summer, I'm just going to feel sososo alive with or without whomever wants or doesn't want to be a part of my life. I'm letting everything fall out of my hands for now. Things will work out however they're supposed to. I know I'm better than all of this anyways. I don't deserve it if everything said was meant.

Despite it all, compared to the rest of the past week I felt okay today for the longest percentage of the day yet. I drove to the beach by myself and it was exactly what I needed. I laid in the sand for awhile listening to music and the ocean, walked along a dock and sat there too. Just totally enjoying the sunshine, the feeling of solace it gives me. I walked backwards so the sun would shine in my face..and I almost hope I'm a little burnt so that I can start to get tan already. The sand in my shoes is comforting. I've changed so much in the past 4-5 years, expectantly.. but the beach, the ocean, the sand between my toes.. is a feeling that is just so Tesla. It's a feeling that's a part of me that I know could never lose.

So many of my favorite summer memories over the past 3 summers take place down there. They all played like a movie through my head all day and made me smile.

-Nick and Andrew always washing my windshield on the way home.

-The trip last August with Drew, Amy, Andrew, Nick, and Alex..trunk rides, the random dock we found, the goat that literally said "NIIIIIICCCKKK" and literally had Nick and I on the ground in tears. The drive home getting so vulgar, "I WILL FUCK YOU BUT I WILL NOT CUDDLE, YOU TAKE ME THE FUCK HOME NOW.........DAD.

-The trip with Melissa and Alex, always riding the haunted mansion screaming the whole time, the way the lady at the dragon ride hates how obnioxious we are.

-The trips in '08 with Melissa, Nick, Andrew F, and Alex. Listening to The Postal Service and Heavy Heavy Low Low on the way home. "That ambulance has been driving behind us for like an hour with it's lights on.....where ever they're going, they're dead."

-No call, no show-ing to work just to spend the day at the beach with Stacy and Brittany.

-The day Stace and me went to the beach even when we were supposed to have a thunderstorm and ate pb&j on the secret swing set and drove all the way to Ocean City just for photobooth pictures.

Sometimes things start to not feel right, but I know they'll always come back again. I love my friends so very, very much. I feel so detached from the kids I hung out with in high school but everyone that's been in my life the past 2-3 years has been a constant and all of the best memories of my life have been with them. The fact that just thinking of the beach can remind me of so many good times proves it. I have lived such an amazing life so far and it'll only get better. I can't wait for summer.

I feel like with everything I've had to say lately, I'd start to run out of words. But I guess the more I think the more I realize and the more I have to get out. It just..helps. Letting out every single thought that runs through my head. So hears to the constant novels that have been my blog every day.

008.

This new sleep schedule isn't okay anymore. There's too many hours in the day to fill when I have nothing to fill them with. I sat on the front step this morning eating granola with soy milk sitting in the sun. I used to enjoy that. Now I just end up in tears. All I can do is hope I'll be missed enough in the end.

I'm never this kind of person. I'm the one on tour that walks away and still goes to find fun when all the boys get moody. I'm the one that never lets anyone else get me down or ruin a good mood. I'm a happy kid, I just need to find myself again.

I think I might drive to the beach today. Even though it's not as warm as I pretend it is, and the water is still freezing, I think feeling my toes in the sand might help me. If there's one place in the entire world I feel at home, it's there.

blog entry/novel

I think I'm going to be okay now. I've realized I'm acting this way because of the past. I find similarities and assume the worst.

But when things go bad I just can't help but assume I'm going to mess everything up and always get hurt. It's a repeating theme in my life.

I think I might be coming off more melodramatic than I really am in reality. Fuck the internet or text messaging and how nothing ever comes off exactly how you really mean it through these impersonal means of communication. My heart is just attached to absolutely everything I do, everyone who comes into my life gets a piece of it, etc. Sometimes it could be easier if I really just didn't care about anything. I care way, way too much about the people and things that matter most.

The last thing in the world I want is to make you feel bad or unhappy. I would never do anything that I thought would. You can't help how you feel right now. I'll be okay. I'm probably going about this in all sorts of the wrong way but I'd rather be honest and talk to you.

I know I'm making this difficult and sometimes I should just shut my mouth but I needed to say the things I did in order to help myself feel okay. I'm just repeating myself in different ways now but I just want us both happy and I don't want to push you away at all. All that's left to say is.. when you want to text or call,just to talk about nothing or anything, when this in the past, I'll be right here waiting. Until then I'll stay silent.

I went to Philly today to attempt to look for jobs..basically just by walking into places and asking if they were hiring. I'm going to apply to Whole Foods, Trader Joe's and any Philadelphia starbucks online that are hiring. I got an application for Johnny Rocket's, applied at the Naked Chocolate Cafe, and the new Falafel place told me to keep checking cause he felt bad he didn't have an application to give me. I don't feel that successful but I'll keep looking. I met up with Chrystina (since Stacy didn't have enough time to really do the tattoo thing before class and I'm too intimidated to go alone) and wandered around for awhile/made her come with me on my uncertain adventures. We got lunch/dinner at Govindas and rode the subway everywhere my indecisive mind took us. Both her and Stace have told me that when I find a job I can live on their floors until I have the money/find a room to move into. I'm waiting for an e-mail back again from the west philly collective I was talking to for the whole ...thing happened. Hopefully that works out. I'd be kind of happy then.

The only thing I'm a little worried about is getting a job, getting back into the city for now, and still not feeling totally better. I just need to figure out what's going to make me happy for the time being, I just don't know what that is or how to go about finding out. I'm just lost.

Up and down

and up and down
and up and down.

The words you said and your actions now don't add up. Have you really moved on that fast? I hope I'm wrong, I thought you were better than that. Or maybe I'm too gullible to trust in words at all.

Tonight was decent. Headed up to Philly around 2 with Zoe and Amy. Went and got lunch at Gianna's, the Descendents were playing over the radio as we ate and I felt good. That and the gorgeous weather in the city made me sure that for now, that's where I want to be. We drove to the show, said hi to Max, Joey, and Chrystina and hung out with Jared for a bit. We sat in the sun. The Rival Mob was really good. I got a Naked Juice and the guy lowered the price for me. Blacklisted played around 6, I got kicked in the head when someone stage dived during the first song. I've been kicked and had instant lumps 340958 times before.. but then I felt something wet on my face and touched my hand to my head and realized I was literally gushing blood. NO bueno. After the show we went back to Delaware (I really probably shouldn't have driven.) and saw some friendly faces on Main St. It's nice that everyone's been out and hanging out lately. I still feel like I need to go, go, go. I'm not sure what's going to happen when I stop.

I probably have a concussion and shouldn't sleep.. but I just want to sleep. Because there's only one person I feel like talking to and I can't.

I write so many times a day.

"God bless repeat - play nights, heartbreaks and fights. And all the pretty pretty kids with the tired tired eyes. Sitting out parties to be with your headphones. Reciting your last words and writing your last notes."

Background Music will never be an album I get sick of. Wes Eisold and his way with words.

In the last few days my internet goes out a lot. So IMs are sent that I never get and my phone has also decided, at the same time, to pick and choose what text messages it wants to receive as well. What wonderful timing. Adding to my insanity.

Last night I thought I was keeping it together pretty well. I was happy with Stacy in tears from laughing. There was a moment I was on the ground in the Happy Harry's parking lot laughing so hard. But the moment I walked into California Tortilla to see Zoe, Orion, and Amy..Amy's first words are "Tesla, are you ok? You just look..sad." I never wear things that plain on my face. Of course I lied and said I was fine.

"We've lived cold lives but now we know. The sun may hide but the night is always there. So don't anticipate, It's not worth the wait. What did you expect? Status report: I've called it a day. There's a world of people different than me. Status report: I've lost my voice trying to be heard over this noise. Die young, or live forever? I'm just trying to get through the night. See there's this voice dragging me down. Die young, or live forever? I'm just trying to re-find my heart. It was always there just hard to see in the dark. You weren't even fucking looking. Sleeping like there's no tomorrow."

007.

I know it's probably not the best plan, but if I just keep going and going and going then I avoid being a total mess. I don't know what my plan should be but I'm just going to pick one and nothing at all has to be permanent if I get somewhere and don't like it.
But I just keep filling the hours with plans and not coming home because even when I start to think, at least I know I have something to take my mind off of it. Talking helps. Proves I over think to an insane extent, but helps.

Last night Stace and me got 2 free boxes of donuts from DD, not that I could eat them but still. Then we went to get water and ended up buying a case of water. None of this even sounds interesting or hilarious but it was to us. We also decided to get tattoos tomorrow. I'm not sure what I'm getting but it feels right. I want one, so I'm getting one. Money is money, who cares. We also decided to take a trip to North Carolina next week for Defiance, Ohio, Toby Foster, and This Bike is A Pipe Bomb. I need this trip. Maybe Georgia didn't happen for a reason. So that this could happen now when I need it more than anything. Andrew has actually been trying, or at least seeming to attempt, to have a friendship with me again. It makes me so happy it's a little ridiculous. But I need my drewdrew and it's nice. So last night he asked to hang out so Stace and me went up to Newark and everyone was kind of around. You can always tell the weathers a little nicer when Main Street is crowded. I just realized how strange it was so see so many people everywhere..just like it was summer, since it's so dead all winter. Garrett texted me wanting to hang out too so I picked him up and just hung out for a little while. Then Stace and I left and just drove around for awhile listening to music, talking about tattoos, north carolina, and me trying to keep it together.

I use my blog so much lately. I think it's just because keeping my thoughts in my head just doesn't feel safe at the moment. I'm probably saying some things I shouldn't, but I don't care right now.


I think I may go up to Philly tomorrow to look for a job there.

For the first time in two and a half years, I talked to you like a real best friend. I asked for your advice and you listened and gave it. Our relationship has always been different in it's own beautiful way, but it's so strange how things can still change every day. I felt comfortable bearing and letting you in on my deepest thoughts. We're so close already it just always surprises me when I notice a change. Normally I keep these things to myself or I hint that I'm not ok.. and then you just give me a hug and try and make me laugh and we go about things normally because I know you care and it's all we need, nothing has to be said. But this was a first, I actually told you more. This is the first time I've ever WANTED to talk to people. Where I need people...
and I
never
need
anyone.

I know you think of me as independent and strong and all those things, and usually I am, but sometimes I just lose myself and you're always there and you actually care. I've said that a million times, I just feel the need to reiterate it every time I'm reminded. I know other people care for me as well, but it's never in the same way us
our friendship. I love you Tyler, even if you won't let me move to Arkansas.

I've said it time and time again, but Tyler Mullen, Stacy Hornung, and Andrew Benenati will always have the biggest place in my heart. I'm also very, very thankful for Melissa Stafford at the moment. If anything, everything lately has brought us closer together and she's another person on that list that will always mean so much to me.
I would be so lost without these kids that pull my heart strings.

006.

I don't understand anything right now and I'm not feeling very well.
Melissa says I have control over it, but I don't know how to control this.
I keep calling my mom just to keep me talking.
I feel totally alone, but I can't sit here.

I was okay for a bit, but now I feel like I'm sinking again.
Low low low.

Words left unreturned.

The only semblance of happiness I can pull from anywhere, is that when I feel this way..it always gets better.
Always. I will be ok.

I'm always ok.

005.

Its nice out. Spring is coming. The next few days are going to be even more nice. Standing in the sun with bare feet was my one single moment of content today.

I thought I wouldn't be able to stay, but I've realized I can. And I let you know.
How could I say all that and not even get a response?
This is so very, very out of my hands for now.

Last night was one of the best nights I've had in quite some time. I felt completely like myself, even if it came and went with my mood. If I don't think about it, I'm fine. I told Amy I'd pick her up from the Baltimore Airport and since her flight didn't land until around 11:30, I hung out with Melissa, we looked up vegetarian/vegan restaurants in Bmore and left around 7 to go on an adventure. We ended up going to the Papermoon Diner and it totally ruled. Vegan nachos. We both agreed after dinner that it completely and totally felt like 2007 again. When we were best friends and random trips for no reason were what our lives revolved around. Driving at 2 in the morning singing along to Tell All Your Friends and Your Favorite Weapon had me feeling 17 again, junior year, just driving on my own. Having no responsibilities, just money to waste on gas going anywhere we pleased. For once reminiscing wasn't sad, it felt really, really good.

I stayed the night in Newark because I didn't want to be alone. If I fill my time with pointless plans, I don't have to think about what else to do with my life. Because right now the thought of where to go next makes me sick.

Tonight I hang out with Stace. I need to be anywhere but here for now.

004.

I don't know what kind of move to make. I don't know what I want. I am so very, very lost right now.

I'll be ok. I have no idea what will come of this but what I have realized is that he's important to me too..no matter what he is.

The hope in my mind comes and goes, but there's nothing I can do but be myself and try and be happy and see what happens.

003.

I've spent the last two days just filling the hours until I'm tired enough to go back to sleep. I try to stop thinking and then something reminds me of it. I know this isn't something that should end as fast as it began.

We've made so many plans already, I don't want to watch them all die.
That doesn't feel right at all.

This all has to have happened for a reason.
It felt so big and fell into place so easily.
I don't want one weekend to change all of that.

I think we're worth a million chances. There's so much time. There's no rush for anything. No decisions need to be made. And we're so good for each other.

I haven't spoken to you today. I don't know what that means.

If things could change so quickly, and move so quickly as it was, who's to say they won't again? And we could end up even more amazing. There's room for optimism here. It's impossible to know with out trying, and I think we're worth trying. Worth waiting and seeing. I guess it all depends if you decide the same. I know you can't help how you feel either way, but..

I know I want this.
I know I want to spend the coming warm months with you.


I wait, I wait, I wait, I wait.

002.

I found out my family will be here the last week of March. I hope my relationship with them will be good during that time. I know I'm going to cry when I see my mom again. It's very hard being this alone. Even my broken family is still my family.
On another plus side that's perfect timing for me to be able to get a hair cut and not have to freak out about where to get it done at, haha. I already really need one but I can wait til the end of the month....and then probably just never get one again.

I drove and drove and drove today. Then I hung out and talked to Melissa for awhile. It's still good to have one of my best friends back around. I don't like anyone much lately, but she's still someone I need around. I was happy for a few minutes while we hung out..and that's what I needed today.

I'm not sure what to think or feel about anything right now. I don't know whether to pause or not. I'm trying to find a happy medium. I don't want to be sad and doubtful, and I don't want any false hope/to get my hopes up too soon. I can't read minds, I just have to wait this out and see what happens. I want nothing more in the world than for this to be okay. But it's out of my control for now.

001.

I feel like I'm dying or something.


Nothing is okay right now. Delaware is such a conflict for me. I fit here, I'm myself here...but there is nothing left.
The only thing I felt like I had going isn't well right now. I don't understand, but I'm just hoping this can all turn out for the best. I can't give up what I think we can still have.

If the worst scenario plays out....
I think I'm gone. I have nothing here. Nothing.

History repeats itself.

I fuck every single thing up.


I just hope this is temporary.
I hope the hope comes back.

I want this so much.
I don't want this to be bad, when it was so good.
What happened?

I don't want to be pessimistic. It's just hard not feeling like that was him giving up.
We're still together. This can still be something beautiful.
Nothing can change so quickly, right?
I wouldn't be feeling this way if our feelings were meant to be platonic. It just moved so fast from the beginning that there's room for doubts now. Things don't usually fit so easily.
We are perfect for each other.
This can still. be. something. beautiful.

Please don't give up on me. On us. Not yet. This could all blow over.
The past few weeks can't or shouldn't be ruined by a few off days.
There is something between you and me. There is an "us".
This is all...something. We'll be ok. I hope, I hope, I hope.