tired

So very tired of feeling numb all of the time. I can't feel anything but neutrality. It's progressively become worse and worse since August, and with an exception of Fest week(end), it's never ending. Perpetual numbness. I'm having trouble with human contact because I can't get excited about anything, I want to be happy and have fun and get to know people and put myself out there- but the feelings never come. And when I do have a conversation with someone, I find myself having such trouble with what to say and just wanting it to be over. I don't even like the person I am and who they perceive in front of them. On the other hand, while I can register that I don't want to not be able to feel those things, I also can't feel sadness and I'm not in a bad mood. I'm not unhappy or unable to be happy, excited or content because I'm too far on the other side of the spectrum. I just feel completely blank, as I said in the beginning, everything is numb. There are no variations. I have one mood, one emotion. And it's completely apathetic and I don't want to be this way anymore and I don't know how to fix this.

It's affecting my friendships and relationships with people, my life and everything around me. And I'm scared it's only going to get worse while it stays cold and gets colder, and it leaves me wondering if being somewhere I don't know anyone is really the best choice. I'm just back to never knowing what the right decisions are. I don't want to be home either. I don't even know what home is anymore.

Maybe that's not totally true, it's just that home isn't tangible (anymore or has it never been?). It's not a thing or a place; it's a feeling. And if that's the case, home is summer. Home is warmth, wandering, music, smelly hugs and familiar faces. And right now home is a distant memory that is fading and maybe what I'm really feeling is desertion and I'm not sure how to function with out it, like a piece of myself left with it.