you're spending too much time, digging graves and sharpening your knives.

I've spent too much time the last 6 months thinking about what i miss, what i don't have, what i'm doing wrong. And not enough time taking full advantage of the positive aspects of my life and enjoying the really amazing times i DO get to have. I just don't know how to get out of this mind set. It feels like it's slowly happening, but I've never been too good with patience.

It always seemed sort of cliche for something bad happening to scare you enough to realize some obvious things about life. like it being too short, like needing to keep the people you care about close, and that it can end at any second. Not that I didn't already know those kinds of things, but I just can't explain how sure I was that those were going to be my last few minutes. I didn't know it was possible to be that terrified. I've had so many situations in the past 4 years that have lead to me wanting to just give up. Everytime I'm happy, everytime I think "maybe I'm gonna be okay now", something comes to rip it right out of my hands. And it's so old and unfair. I just try and live my life and try to be happy, and something is always there to stop it from continuing. But saturday night/sunday morning was the biggest in my face wake up call i could have imagined. You always think it'll never happen to you. I tend to live my life a little as if i'm invinsible, doing whatever i want to without thinking about the consiquences or being all that causious. Not to say I wasn't driving perfectly good, the ice..it was out of my control. I've always been afraid of dying, but having it that close to me, sensing it in my presence, was something i never want to feel again. Theres been nights where I don't feel like living anymore, where I've talked about not waking up or not caring too much if this was over if i was always going to be unhappy. But really truely believing I might be a few seconds away from never living again, I can truely say I'm happy to be alive and I want to live as much longer as I possibly can.


The trip up with Garrett, seeing Life in Your Way and With Honor, and most of the trip home was a wonderful. The show was so worth the 4 hour drive and getting stuck in a parking lot of snow. But hitting ice on a bridge 15 minutes from home wasn't supposed to be part of the plan. Diving out of the path of a 18 wheeler about to hit ice wasn't part of my list of things to do in my life. Pictures keep repeating in my head, I can still feel everything, this is still so fucked. 4 am saturday night/sunday morning was the most horrible situation i've ever had to go through other than my dad's death. Continusly ending up in horrid situations everytime I start to be okay again has got to end. Something has got to change.

Cause this feeling is getting too hard to explain.

When is do you get to stop fighting and just give in?

old dead ending
new dead ends

I never said anything about the Houston Calls/Just Surrender show. Anyways, it was last friday and Brodie is on tour with them so he got me in for free. Strangely, Lisa knew who I was right when I walked in the door. I knew she knew my face but I had no idea she knew my name, I guess it makes sense though since she knows all my friends and I did spend just about every weekend there last year. I drove there with Lauren, Ashley, Justina, Melissa, and Amy and hung out with either group all night. I wasn't THAT great of a show. I totally miss what it used to be like when everyone in Delaware would be there every weekend, those nights were so good. Houston Calls was fun though, we all stood on stage and danced and I had the strangest conversations with Tom their singer. I talked to Brodie for a little while but it's still so strange when I do see him considering I've known him since I was barely 15 and he has a lot to do with why I moved here but I've only truely met him twice..so of course my social awkwardness kicks in and conversations in person are just strange. OH WELL.


I think I'm getting played big time and this is probably a horrible situation to get involved in but I'm just going along with it. You can call me on it later when I'm telling myself I told you so.

"can't afford to lose my memory,

i'm too in debt. fear becoming fact , the years you miss aren't coming back . guess i forgot to keep my friends from falling off. you can't run away from something that was never there. no one is starting to undesrstand this. of course we miss the faces that we used to kiss. cut yourself with the long hand from your broken clock, timing just nothing except wasted time. you say you don't understand, i say it doesn't help. i'm still fucked to death. it's still meaningless. its still hit or miss. its never making sense. it all went wrong in sympathetic song. starting again with broken hymns and limbs, i want star-bound feet far from the ground. this is the most intense thing you've felt. his is two hands ripping through your chest to scrape the love from your heart."


Over the past year, I've realized more and more that i'm not remembering things as well as I always have. Memories are distant and detached. I'm just realized how bad it's gotten. I've forgotten and blocked out so much. But what I'm just realized now is why. It hurts to much to remember and be able to look back at all the things I've loved the past 4 years, even more especially the past year. I miss it so much.

October 2007.

let me quote myself, "maybe theres a point when things become too comfortable and they start to fall apart."

This is one of the many repeating aspects of my life.

die young

or live forever. I'm just trying to refind my heart. It was always there, just hard to see in the dark.


Last night was one of the best nights i've had in i couldn't even tell you how long. i actually felt something good for more than 3 minutes and 30 seconds. I was happy in a way i haven't felt in an ridiculously long time. I laughed harder for 6 hours on end than i honestly remember laughing in months. I want that feeling to stay forever, that's what I need in my life. Went down to Berlin, Maryland with Bill and Tyler for their show. The show was hilarious and afterwards everyone (myself, Chrystina, Tyler, Bill, Ben, Max, Garrett, Joey, Trevor, Jeremy, Nick and Eddie) went out to some random shitty diner. That group of kids has such a huge spot in my heart, where i know each of them well or barely at all.

Tyler and me saw 9 shooting stars.

The way music has been affecting me lately is so much more than it ever has, at least at this level. It's actually a little frightening. I fell asleep with my headphones on and the feeling I woke up with was unbelieveable. Not in a good way, but surprising and unreal. I can't really explain it.


Fireworks and Polar Bear Club with Tyler and Garrett last night was a good time. Both bands were ridiculous, I especially enjoyed Fireworks even more than last time. We walked around for awhile before the show and came across this random street of fancy shops. There was this really cute coffee shop and I got a hot apple cider, content much? yessuh.

where disappointment and regret collide, lying awake at night.

When I look back and I think about the "life I always wanted", I have it. I have it now almost exactly, almost thought for thought. There's a few points missing here and here but they're not far from my reach and they're just in the distance along the horizon. But although it's everything I'd wish for, it's still not good enough. And this is something that's killing me and causing me to want to hide under a blanket, ashamed to look at my face. Why can't I just be content? I am completely fine with the money I'm making, I'm starting to live a healthier lifestyle, i have great friends, i spend almost all my spare time traveling to shows, i know i'm loved, but theres still this huge whole in my heart and i can feel and it's so powerful that it takes away the good from the good times and it keeps me awake at night and it tears my apart on drives home once i've dropped everyone off to the point where the roads blur from all the stupid fucking tears. I just want to know if this is it. If this is how I'm going to feel for the rest of my life, constant regret over not having the time of my life with everything i do. Constantly feeling like theres something more to this, that this isn't just good enough yet. And I hate thinking that way because I'm so lucky for getting to where I'm at. But I've felt what it's like to feel so much greater than this. To love this life so much I feel like my hearts going to burst out of my chest. And I don't think I'm going to be okay again until I feel that way again. But I'm terrified it's never going to happen.

Is this ever going to end?

fucking up good things before they've even gotten a chance.


and I still don't feel anything.

You see pavement, I see paradise.

I'm so far from my own feelings and thoughts. I don't know who I am. Well maybe that's not right, I know who I am and what I'm about (even if that's constantly changing and growing.) But I feel so distant from myself, detached. Maybe not even from myself, pretty detached from everything. I don't know how to get somewhere, I feel like I'm just waking up, living out a day that turns out to be good or bad, going to sleep and repeat. Stuck. That about somes it up. I'm feeling so stuck that I'm losing myself with it, sort of. I'm so lost I can't even explain it because I don't know what I'm trying to explain. If I can't even feel it, I guess it'd make sense that I couldn't describe it either. I need something, I'm just not sure what/about that either.

December is going to be fun though, if all goes as planned.
This coming weekend is the boy's(Cut Short) show with Ruiner at UD. Then come monday melissa and stacy and me will at be going to Post Secret at UD, tuesday is Polar Bear Club and Fireworks in Philly, then repeating that tour wednesday night in Baltimore. Friday is Houston Calls and Just Surrender at the Grange and I get to see Brodie, unless for some reason I can get my breaks fixed by then..then I'm taking Andrew Benenati and Garrett to Conneticut with me to see Thursday and Moving Mountains. Theres a whole lot going on the rest of the month as well, I'm only hoping my expectations are satisfied.

"I guess the winter makes you laugh a little slower, makes you talk a little lower about the things you could not show him. And it's been a long December and there's reasons to believe, maybe this year will be better than the last."

I love Christmas time.

But I feel like it's going to come and go before I even realize it. Before I even feel it at all. Stacy and I came up with a bunch of festive plans to try and prevent that, I really hope they all happen. I need to go up and stay the weekend in Philly again anyways.

33 days until I head west. Everytime I see a picture of LA my stomach flip flops and my heart skips a beat. This is a much needed trip home for the first time in years.