Never do this to your self again.

This is bad. Really, really, really bad.
2 days and everything I've worked so hard for might fall apart.
I'm dizzy.

The summer ends.

I seriously can not wait for fall. For the first time in my life I'm watching myself crave a season other than summer. I have always, always been a summer person. But day after day I feel myself reaching for fall. I want chilly nights, warm drinks, walks through the cities footsteps crunching on leaves and all the those bands that are always best during Autumn months.

007.

Nothing much to say when I'm around "home" these days.

Last night I hung out with Melissa and Brett.
The only true constants in my life these days.
We made a vegan cheesecake.




I'm restless and bored when I'm back here, but I feel like I see things pretty clearly these days. I leave for Lexington in 28 days to meet up with Carey, then a few days later we head WEST. I'm scared. Excited..but scared.

years

I woke up to a text from Melissa talking about how much she misses how things were 2-3 years ago. It caused me to go and look back too, and even then at 17- just out of high school with no idea where to go, all I cared about was being surrounded by my friends and BEING HAPPY. Things are so, so, so different now. But that fact has never changed. Being happy and hanging out with the people I love has always remained the most important aspect of my life and the only thing I've ever felt truly matters. Back then I didn't know where I was going, I just wanted to achieve those things. Now 2-3 years later, that is exactly my life consists of to such an intense degree.

Everything turned out just the way it should of.

I also talked rather frequently about just leaving. Just getting in my car and taking off. This is another thing that I eventually never stopped feeling and made a reality.

I did everything I said I would. All those feelings that used to fill me up and make me so, so restless never resided. And eventually things made sense. I always knew what I needed and wanted, and they manifested themselves in the best ways possible. I waited it out, knowing it all meant something..and it turned out I was right. And now 2-3 years later, I'm living the life I could FEEL back then. That I knew was waiting for me somewhere. Most days I feel so young, definitely not 20 years old. But then I look back at who the person I was at 17 and 18 years old, and the amount I've changed is absolutely noticeable. I see things a lot more clearly. I don't feel so lost. I've really become someone I want to be.

And I'm happier than I ever have been.

wake up

The fact that I can stay up for days without getting tired, and even when I do sleep it's only for a few short hours, very disruptive and not deep, is starting to get kind of strange. I actually want nothing more than to go to bed, but instead I just feel anxious and not tired in the least. Instead I feel like I'm waiting for something, or forgetting to do something. It feels like my body doesn't need rest, I know it does, but I just can't find the feeling of being ready for and needing sleep. I don't know what this is or means or how to fix it. I can be absolutely exhausted but then when it comes to give into it, the obvious solution doesn't come and I lay here restless no matter how little hours I'm already running on and how much I do to exhaust myself. I think I forgot how to sleep.

006.

2010- probably the most defining year of my life. And it's only half way over.
Everything is wonderful, never ending-ly wonderful.

Went to Philly tonight with Nick, Melissa and Brett, unexpectedly ended up getting a Cap'n Jazz ticket at last minute (DUKE) and got to see Vicky and Jake. Everything about the night was overwhelmingly perfect. Old friends, best friends, missed faces. Realizations, successes and sweaty hugs. Perfect and happy, happy, happy all the time.



Midnight at Logan Fountain.

Biggest crush ever.

005.

There honestly isn't many words to say lately. I truly think this is because words just don't do any of these days and memories justice. I'm really excited about my life.... just, in general. Everything is always so good.

Thursday Lizzy, Ashley, Melissa and I went to Baltimore to see P.S. Eliot. We went to the show, met Kevin from California and got really, really good vegan pizza at Fell's Point (which is the cutest part of Baltimore I have seen yet). Oh and I got to play pacman!!!

We spent the night at Ashley's in NJ and went to Brooklyn the next morning to look at apartments for Lizzy since she moves in about 2 weeks. The entire day was absolutly perfect. Stupid inside jokes, incessant talking, thrift stores, "drug cat", cat shoes, swampy, saying and thinking things that happen a few minutes later, playing in the street running through fire hydrants (real life Hey Arnold!), chinese food, yelling at Chrystina out the window, perfect weather, free books, record stores, Coney Island trips, really, really good vegan food at Foodswings and amazing roof top views. Like I said, words can't even do it justice anymore.

My life rules.

Seattle.

After thinking about it constantly I came to a realization today.
I think this is what I've been waiting for.

Not only will I get to self-reflect, but I'll get to experience so many new things and places. It's an opportunity to meet as many new people as I can and see new ways of life. I'll get to have time to try everything new I've wanted to, cut out everything I don't want anymore, learn everything I've been dying to learn, and find out what is truly important to me.

But can also come home at any point if it's not right.

All the things I thought about doing alone...
only I can play house while I'm at it.

Heres to something scary and new.

Too many words.

Allentown, PA. 2 hour car drives and good people. Always in the year 1996. Windows down. Instantly in travel mode the minute you cross state lines. Our band in the back seat. Picked up by strangers. Falling Rocks. Gaslight Campground. Strange road sign coincidences. Skunks & Mountain Pies. Cassette players. 6 1/2 mph. Showers. Campfires and hospitality.
"You can't leave until you've tried a mountain pie." "What is it?" "...don't worry about it." (basically.)




Ohio. Granola by the water. Less humidity.
"ARE YOU GONNA DESTROY MY PROPERTY????"



Berea Fest day 1. Old English. First meetings, missed faces, new friends, old friends, better friends. (KT, Dave, Kara, Dakota, Carey, Mowgli, Heather, Chris, Madeline, Steph, Cory, Mauri, Johnny, Mikey, Lauren, Matt, Theo, Jared, Randy and on and on..) Hugs. Slingshot Dakota and the 2 songs I wanted to hear. High Fives. Algernon in strange places. Always laying in the grass. Always watching Ninja. Pink Houses. Paul Baribeau. New emotions. The Sidekicks. Taco Bell. Camping Out. Naked Guy. Bryant & Luke.
"Did you hear about the Cuyahoga River in 1962?!"














Showers with water bottles. Waking up early. Gross water. Laying in the sun. PB&J's. Cheap watermelon. Waterfalls and feeling alive. The jeep running without keys. Butterflies. Berea Fest day 2. The person I wanted to talk to the most always coming to me first. More high fives. Getting back in the swing of things. Wandering around by myself. Telling Dave stories. Getting bit by a fly and bleeding. Lemuria. Toby. Sitting with Carey and Heather for a little while. Southern accents. Talks about Seattle and really, really thinking about it. Theo and surprise Defiance, Ohio "covers" and freaking out about it. Flooded tents. Burrito fest. Pheramones dance party. Super Bobby and the surprise it was. Tan legs. Good Luck. Delay.





Stressing out. Matt is good people. Finding a ride to Cleveland. Missing Tigers Jaw but ending up driving Adam's car back to Scranton. The way things always work out for us. Listening to tapes. Driving through the night. Sheetz. Little pizza heaven. Awesome chinese food. Finding unreleased albums. 3 hour naps in the car. Long talks. Good talks. Friends willing to pick you up 3 hours from home. Terrifying car rides. Stupid jokes. Hicks. Car crazy. Loving life.

004.

There is absolutely so much to say and I don't know where to even begin. This weekend will go down as one of the best of the year, let alone some of the best memories of my life. I'm pretty sure any time I leave I come home saying that. It proves more and more that I know where I "belong", as corny as that may sound. So many mindfucks, so much laughter, so much sweat, so many emotions. I've slept for 3 hours in the past 40+ now, and it's starting to catch up physically. Strangely, I know I could keep going and going and going and going..but I won't, not now. I have too much to think about and reflect on and it's time to disappear from the world for a few hours at the very least.

I am so in love with this life.

Time.

"Knowing that you’re so close only hangs me up again. Suffice to say the price I pay won’t matter in the end . This is something I can’t even talk about with friends, I’ll pass it off."

But you're not coming home again.

Thursday I'm leaving, and considering not coming back.
I've realized I lose it when I'm home in the same old places.
But the minute I'm far away again, with new smiling faces..it comes back.
And I know where I belong.
So this time, maybe I'll say goodbye and stay.
And if not, it's still coming very soon.


Money is always, always optional.
And quite frankly unnecessary.

De-pluralize our casualties, drown the generals out in static. We turn and watch our city sprawl and send us signals in the glow of night windows.

003/Birthday.

The 9th, the day before my birthday. I became entirely skeptical over whether I was going to have a good birthday at all after what's been going on lately. But Melissa borrowed her sister's car so we could still go to The Sidekicks show in Jersey so her, Brett and I did so. Just a little while into the car ride I had laughed enough to where I was finally happy and not teary-eyed anymore and didn't feel quite so sick. After a long car ride we got to the show at the shore in Long Branch, NJ. We thought we might of missed it but we got there just as Foxes and Lions started playing. Matt, the Sidekick's drummer, was outside and recognized me and let us in for free because literally no one was there. They basically just kept asking us what songs we wanted to hear and if that night had been my birthday it would of been a really, really good one. After their set I bought a shirt and 7" and we talked to them and Melissa's dudes Michael, John and Ryan for awhile..they were super nice. All the dudes in the sidekicks got really excited when I told them I'd be at Berea and Matt offered us to stay with them. My current favorite band, you can guess I'm super stoked on everything that occurred that night. After everyone said by the 3 of us went down to the beach and stripped down to bras and boxers and went night swimming in the ocean. When we left I stole the sidekicks' poster off the bar door, I turned 20 at midnight we drove to Eatontown and got taco bell, got a little lost which is expected in Jersey, stopped in "Georgia" on the way home and drank tea sitting on the trunk and didn't get home til around 4 am.

We slept in pretty late and my grandma came to get me, bought me lunch, I took a shower and things and Melissa and Brett came back to get me again. We spent my birthday driving to Philly, buying alcohol, at a crust punk show underneath a freeway, singing in the car and eating vegan pizza.

Hi, I'm 20 years old.

201020

This will be the first birthday is 3 years I doubt I'll see Tyler. I'm not expecting any calls, no balloons, no surprises, no picnics, no beach, no birthday dinner, no Stacy, no drawings. I know I should be happy with whatever I do get, I sound so selfish. I'm going to wake up Saturday morning, 20 years old, with no birthday plans for the first time in my life.It really bothers me. It's this combined with these overwhelming feelings I can't take. I cried all day, I saw two of my favorite bands and it didn't help. I haven't cried in weeks, I've been so, so happy. Everything was getting perfect. Now I don't even know how to take feeling so fucked up.

I've been so happy lately, where did all this pessimism come from?
I want nothing more than to shake it off.

I don't know where to go or what to do.


Silence will always hurt more than anything.
Wandering minds never come with any good.

Between Your Band and The Other Band

I need to not feel like I'm going to throw up all of my insides.


Blow over.

It's realizing that nothing will ever be the same again and it's too late to think now because what's done is done.

The entire month of July is my birthday.

This summer has been nothing but good nights every single night.
We do nothing but hang out and wander around and it's beautiful.

And I'm expected to believe that any of this is real.....

Carousels

Laying in the dark on mattress on the floor in the second story of an apartment in South, south Philadelphia. Windows open, it doesn’t feel like July but in a good way. The noises outside never stop and that’s so comforting to me. If anything it’s what I miss most.

Nothing will ever make as much sense as city noises to me.
I hate silence.

002.

Finally things are starting to feel right. I come to the city and I know it's time to be back here. I feel so, so alive and good walking through the streets with nothing in my hands or pockets wandering around in the warm night air. I'm meeting new people, I'm having good conversation. I sat around the wooden shoe all night and I just feel at home everywhere.

Happy.

001.

Always unexpected turn of events.
Never a dull moment.

Last night, I'll let Melissa's words do it justice:
"Around 4 [am], Tesla and I decided we wanted my bed so we started walking the 2 miles back to my house. It was freezing and we were out of our minds.. but it's kind of expected from the two of us together. That might've been the most hilarious walk I've ever been on. Once we finally got to my house, we tried to be sneaky.. but of course, we were incredibly loud. We passed around some berry juice and pretzels til I puked all over my sheets... Good night."

All I have to add is:
"WALK LIKE A MAN!!!"