thirty-eight

I had so many things to do to prepare and finish before leaving, they're all almost done. Minus getting a sleeping bag and a few other things I'm sure I'll remember. Tomorrow I'll dig a new garden bed in the front yard, and the rest of the week I'll hang out with Sascha and Claire before saying goodbye after the Spoonboy show on Friday.

Cam's gone, but last night was pretty nice and I think that proves I'm really starting to feel better about everything. I hung out at home with Claire, David, Mary, and Amanda. I sewed and talked to David a lot. We walked to the citi stop on the tracks and bought a 12 pack and an 18 pack. David made me shot gun a beer and I haven't done that since probably last summer. We sat up talking for awhile and they invited me to ride trains with them to Arizona from New Orleans after we spend Halloween there. I didn't even express interest before hand and David told me I should come. It was really nice, they're great people.

I'm still apprehensive. I'm still nervous and anxious. I'm still doubtful of myself and what I have to offer.

But one thing is for sure, because I'm letting myself go, because I'm going to feel free again, because everything is working out so easily-

This is going to be wild.


(ps I turn 21 in just about 6 weeks)

July, July

You left about two hours ago. There's a pile of your things on my floor that you left behind and I feel like I might have to put it where I can't see it. I have to live my own life still and wade away the idea of consuming my thoughts with you, but I miss you already. Mostly from the thought of this extended period of time when I've spent every day the last few weeks holding your hand. I'm so thankful I'm leaving not far behind you and have so much to do until then because I'm not sure I know how to fall asleep without you beside me most nights. It's so strange how something can become so normal and used to so quickly. You left a sweater on the couch and as the sun starts to fall lower I put it on to keep away the cold and it smells just like you. It'll have to do for now. Those goodbye kisses meant everything, but soon I'll spend the rest of my summer with you, sleeping next to you in strangers houses, on the side of the road or anywhere else we my find ourselves. Two weeks is so much better than two months. Everything is falling into place, and as scared of this summer as I am, this has all been a long time coming. This is all makes no sense and too much sense.

See you soon.

Free free freeeeeeee!

CoP

All I keep thinking is "I found you". This is so different than anything before and all happened so easily.

Sascha feels like I'm abandoning him by leaving. I keep trying to explain that I'm leaving to do just the opposite. I'm leaving so that I can come back and not give up for the first time in my life when things aren't going exactly the way I'd like.

However in the past few days I have started to feel a little better again. Cam's leaving soon and I won't see him until I meet up with them in Philly and as much as I'm going to be a little lonely after spending most nights out of the past two weeks with him- I need that time apart to prepare. Get everything set up, finish unfinished projects and mentally get ready for the adventure, or whatever this summer is going to be.

I am apprehensive. I'm giving up the thought of a lot of other summer plans I wanted and have been looking forward to. But this is all working too easily and I think I'd regret if I passed up this opportunity.

I skipped work again today. I feel bad but I also feel like it was only a matter of time before I ran out of that momentum. My life doesn't consist of routine and it probably never will for long periods of time. I started walking there but it's cold and rainy and I justified it with the fact that I'm leaving soon and nothing will matter then, so I turned around and walked back home.

I'll be responsbility free and happy like I'm supposed to be so soon. Like I know how to be.
I can feel it starting to bubble up inside of me. It makes me nervous but I know once it bursts I'll remember everything.

august

I found you, and now you're leaving for the summer.
I want to be surprised and feel like this is unfair, but in the end I think I already knew.

I woke up to holding a hand and a kiss goodbye. I can't resist you but I'm not letting myself feel this knowing it's going to be gone so soon.

I'll wait for you, but please come soon.
Two months too long.

bp

Traveling is the one thing that's always felt like it was right for me. I live for, bask in, and long for that feeling.

To Maine.