002.

I want to write about how I've spent the last few days feeling, but I don't have words for it.

I wake up earlier now, which I'm happy about. I make coffee, I spend sometime on the internet, I play music really really loud until my mom gets home. I read some, sit outside some, actually spend time on the meals I cook, go for a run and watch Law and Order at 9 pm and make some tea. Occasionally I text a friend, but then there's days like today where my phone goes completely unused. I'm really observant of the little things, and enjoy washing the dishes or folding the towels. I don't have the urge to talk to anyone and want to be alone. I'm not home sick, but I'm not happy to be here either.
I don't know what I expect from anything, anyone or from each day. I don't think I expect anything at all. I feel like I'm just going through the motions and that's all I feel. I don't feel anything really, and I don't know what to make of it.

It's one of those times where it feels like this is it. Like this is the way things are going to be. Like there's nothing to look forward to, or get excited about, but there's nothing to change and things just are however they are. I know this feeling never lasts, sooner or later I'm up to my ridiculous antics again and things are more exciting that I could ever possible give meaning to through words. But this time something just feels different.

I'm supposed to go to the South Bay this weekend and go out Friday night with Laura and Eva, then stay at Laura's. I hung out with Eva when I was here in the winter and we went out to lunch. Laura I haven't seen in over 4 years now. I don't anticipate it being awkward, those are some of my child hood best friends. I do however anticipate feeling very out of place, underdressed, different and unattractive.