001.

this has been the year of fucked up relationships and situations, i'm not really sure how much more of it i can handle. my fears of that are confirmed by the fact that ive never felt myself react to things in the way i have been before. my entire body shaking because im scared or feel so intense i have no control over my reactions, shutting down is the only defense i have left.

my best friend breaking my heart and leaving me feeling more alone than ever.
dealing with unexpected disappointment when i met someone i would have loved to be with and have in my life and not being able to, the loss of something that hardly ever started.
feeling forever uncomfortable and unsafe.
the police pointing shotguns in my face and ever other dangerous situation that could be a reality any time.
meeting someone once again who leaves me wondering why we ever met when all it caused was more unnecessary stress, hurt, and putting me in the situation of being fucked over and feeling fucked up but still caring.
people you know killing themselves and people telling you they hope you cry when they do kill themselves.

i have never wanted anything more than to feel better. but its always been one thing after the other, but how many times can your heart break before it never heals again.

may

seven years ago
i hadn't yet moved to the east coast, nothing matters before then, except for the fact that once upon a time a has a father.

six years ago
i worked and went to high school with all of my best friends, i still speak to one person

five years ago
i was graduating high school, i was not going to prom, i was spending all of my time in northern delaware, there was melissa and there was tyler, we spent weekends at bad metal shows

four years ago
i was walking up and down and up and down and up and down main street, i was laying in andrews basement, i had a huge group of  friends and we spent every day together, i was driving my car all over the mid-atlantic to every show, i no longer have that car nor speak to any of those people

three years ago
every thing changed, nineteen turning 20, i went to kentucky and every thing changed, i went to ohio and every thing changed, i met some people who are still so good and so important, nothing has been the same since and im not sure it ever will be that good again

two years ago
i was in a new town, i was surrounded once again by an entirely new group of people, they all still matter. i was falling for a boy who would soon leave and go to new york city to never call again, i was drinking an entire bottle of wine and crying with my face pressed against the hardwood floor

one year ago
i had dinner $8 drinks at a tapas restaurant downtown treating my best friend for his birthday, i was falling asleep next to him in a house full of my other 5 closest friends, i was playing in our garden, i was planning a good bye party and drinking mad dog slushies with september, waking up still drunk to hug my best friend goodbye when he left to move to california and i cried about it in the food stamp office later

now
its 6 am on a wednesday and im sitting in the dark, i am once again surrounded by strangers that i call my friends

latter

1. the one who once said to me “ring on finger serious” who i had sex with for the first time on valentines day, who made me have nightmares about giving up the things i really wanted to move to new brunswick instead, the one i havent seen since a winter morning on the steps outside that south jersey house, the one who is now married with a step-child.

2. the one who i called my best friend for over two years, the one who would hold my hand when i was sad, the one who would also kiss me to shut me up but no matter how fucked up things were, the one that can still make my entire body shake when i think about the way they feel next to me at night, my arm around their skinny waist, face pressed into their back.

3. the one id have to wander around downtown to find, playing his banjo somewhere on the sidewalk. the one i first felt what the idea of falling for someone really meant. the one that would walk an hour and a half to my house from the opposite side of town just to sit on steps outside with me, the one who left one day, moved to new york city, and never called again.

4. the one i never knew whose hometown was just 30 minutes from mine, the one who i found thousands of  miles from there just around the corner, the one who kissed my hand on the dark ride home in the last place i ever expected good things to happen, the one who now only distance kept away and about whom ill always wonder