Waking up sick to my stomach, it almost feels like last Spring all over again. That is not something I can even remotely handle and I just need a little consistency.
I want to leave. I always want to leave. Just for a few days this time but I don't know how to clear my head when you're the only one I have around.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
005.
Hearing Sascha tell someone else that I basically threw myself into a whole new world really made me feel better, I'm not totally alone because he gets it; He knows my every day life is very new and it's sweet when he refers to people as "our friends".
I do like my North Carolina life, I keep saying this over and over but that's because I guess there's not much else to talk about or that outweighs the immense feelings all of this overwhelms me with.
It's easier every time I go out and hang out with these new "friends", some days it takes more out of me..but now I actually WANT to be there, want to hang out rather than pushing myself into it out of necessity rather than interest. However it's been so hard pushing myself that I've become very dependent on the idea of not being sober. But when does dependency become an issue or negative factor? Because I'm not physically dependent on anything, I don't need anything to get by or through the day. I need it on a mental level, if I'm drunk or have some sort of mind altering substance in me- I like myself more. I can go out and have fun and not feel awkward or uncomfortable. I could be doing the same exact thing I would be sober, but I feel okay and it washes over all the fear or feelings I want so badly to avoid.
I don't think I'll always need something. I do think eventually these people will feel like my friends and not just a nice idea coming out of my housemate's mouth. But I guess while I've always enjoyed drinking, etc etc I never had this undeniable urge to always feel like drinking and the fact that I don't want to go out or do anything if I don't have some way of getting ahold of something to put myself under the influence of and avoid feeling bad.
Saturday was super fun though. Which is nice to say after my most about Friday night. I spent most of the day trying to decide if I would be able to make myself go hang out and eventually I did. I did too much of something, but it helped me feel alright with having a really long night. After wandering around for most of the day I met back up with Sascha at Izzy's since some of his friends from Knoxville were there. They gave us a ride back home, we made dinner and eventually he went back downtown to go to the bar with Eva and some others for her 21st, I made plans to meet up with them about 2 hours later since Eva had told me the night before to come hang out on her birthday. Around 9:45 I met them, Dan, Judah, Joey and Otto at the Barcade and soon we all piled in Dan's car to head to a metal show in the Experimental Forrest. None of us really had any idea where we were going or what was actually going on, we just knew we were supposed to park kind of far away and then walk into the woods. We got up by UNCA, parked and then walking like 3/4 of a mile into the woods. Eventually we started seeing candles everywhere and eventually it led to more candles and people sitting around on logs in a big circle filled with candles. We were there for probably 2 hours and finally the black metal band played acoustic. We only stayed for one song because it was getting really really cold and late and Eva wanted to go do more things for her birthday. We walked out of the woods and went back to Houston house and drank whiskey. The rest of the night was filled with weird dance parties in houses filled with green lights, freezing riding in the back of trucks, being more drunk than I realized and coming home to cuddles and falling in love with your hair.
"I love the way you smell, it's so comforting."
I do like my North Carolina life, I keep saying this over and over but that's because I guess there's not much else to talk about or that outweighs the immense feelings all of this overwhelms me with.
It's easier every time I go out and hang out with these new "friends", some days it takes more out of me..but now I actually WANT to be there, want to hang out rather than pushing myself into it out of necessity rather than interest. However it's been so hard pushing myself that I've become very dependent on the idea of not being sober. But when does dependency become an issue or negative factor? Because I'm not physically dependent on anything, I don't need anything to get by or through the day. I need it on a mental level, if I'm drunk or have some sort of mind altering substance in me- I like myself more. I can go out and have fun and not feel awkward or uncomfortable. I could be doing the same exact thing I would be sober, but I feel okay and it washes over all the fear or feelings I want so badly to avoid.
I don't think I'll always need something. I do think eventually these people will feel like my friends and not just a nice idea coming out of my housemate's mouth. But I guess while I've always enjoyed drinking, etc etc I never had this undeniable urge to always feel like drinking and the fact that I don't want to go out or do anything if I don't have some way of getting ahold of something to put myself under the influence of and avoid feeling bad.
Saturday was super fun though. Which is nice to say after my most about Friday night. I spent most of the day trying to decide if I would be able to make myself go hang out and eventually I did. I did too much of something, but it helped me feel alright with having a really long night. After wandering around for most of the day I met back up with Sascha at Izzy's since some of his friends from Knoxville were there. They gave us a ride back home, we made dinner and eventually he went back downtown to go to the bar with Eva and some others for her 21st, I made plans to meet up with them about 2 hours later since Eva had told me the night before to come hang out on her birthday. Around 9:45 I met them, Dan, Judah, Joey and Otto at the Barcade and soon we all piled in Dan's car to head to a metal show in the Experimental Forrest. None of us really had any idea where we were going or what was actually going on, we just knew we were supposed to park kind of far away and then walk into the woods. We got up by UNCA, parked and then walking like 3/4 of a mile into the woods. Eventually we started seeing candles everywhere and eventually it led to more candles and people sitting around on logs in a big circle filled with candles. We were there for probably 2 hours and finally the black metal band played acoustic. We only stayed for one song because it was getting really really cold and late and Eva wanted to go do more things for her birthday. We walked out of the woods and went back to Houston house and drank whiskey. The rest of the night was filled with weird dance parties in houses filled with green lights, freezing riding in the back of trucks, being more drunk than I realized and coming home to cuddles and falling in love with your hair.
"I love the way you smell, it's so comforting."
Friday, February 18, 2011
169
Tonight my housemate called me a "lame-o" when I decided to leave a show/party less than an hour after I got there and after they even found me a ride home so I wouldn't have to catch the last bus at 10. I left and they're right, I am lame for it.
Every time I leave I cross my fingers I didn't just miss my last chance.
Every time I leave I cross my fingers I didn't just miss my last chance.
Thursday, February 17, 2011
004.
I'm so busy working or having fun now that I don't really have the time to take anything in. I know that if I did the only way to describe any part of my life these days would be "overwhelming". I'm happy but there's still a lot of thinking to do. I miss having my close friends around but I know I'm supposed to be doing all of this on my own. So that's life.
so social
so social
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
cinnamon applesauce
I don't know how to keep this up without wanting you next to me every night. I'm scared of the mess this could create; if anything in my mind. I want to be able to just let go and whatever happens whenever it happens is just what happens. But I like kissing you way too much. There's no telling where this is going, will go or if it's going anywhere.
I really have to let go of every thought revolving around you and ignore those butterflies in my stomach I didn't expect. Save them only for those moments when you're laying on the edge of my bed and I'm sitting in the corner and we're telling stories and you're telling me I smell like cinnamon applesauce for the millionth time before you ask if you can kiss me and the rest of the room melts a little when you start inching closer and I'm unaware I'm even still mumbling whatever I was saying.
What I do know is that however messy this feels or could get, I know I'm right where I should be. I know it because nothing else could be right at this time in my life compared to sitting in this warm weather in our front yard, listening to music I haven't been able to listen to in months, sewing and drinking coffee; mountains in the distance and you napping on the blanket beside me after just getting home from work.
Scared, uncomfortable, curious, questioning..
But happy. Repeat, repeat, repeat.
I really have to let go of every thought revolving around you and ignore those butterflies in my stomach I didn't expect. Save them only for those moments when you're laying on the edge of my bed and I'm sitting in the corner and we're telling stories and you're telling me I smell like cinnamon applesauce for the millionth time before you ask if you can kiss me and the rest of the room melts a little when you start inching closer and I'm unaware I'm even still mumbling whatever I was saying.
What I do know is that however messy this feels or could get, I know I'm right where I should be. I know it because nothing else could be right at this time in my life compared to sitting in this warm weather in our front yard, listening to music I haven't been able to listen to in months, sewing and drinking coffee; mountains in the distance and you napping on the blanket beside me after just getting home from work.
Scared, uncomfortable, curious, questioning..
But happy. Repeat, repeat, repeat.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Montana
Last night might have been the best night of 2011 so far. The show didn't start until almost ten and round 9 Sascha and I went over to the neighbors house to tell them about the noise (we had never met them before, let alone really seen them and we actually thought they were old people- we were totally wrong) and their response was so great, "You don't have to worry about us. Be as loud as you want." Best new show house in Asheville?
Old Fling played first and they were super good. I stood around drinking my forty and dancing on the couch. I finally met the infamous Matt Evans and after sobering up I came to realize when he asked me, "Can I put up a flyer on your door?" it was actually code for, "Can I put up flyers all over your house?" Not that I mind, it was just funny to even walk into the garage and see one on the door out there too. They covered 'Hey Jealousy' last and that was a lot of fun, started my dancing around the living room.
Ardilla, Melody and I hid in my room for awhile talking. I think it's so funny out of any of the people I knew about in the whole Kentucky crowd they're the last ones I think I'd be friends with that I'm not already. But they're great.
The Taxpayers played second and although they didn't play that many songs I wanted to hear/knew, it was still sososo much fun. Having the show at MY house where I don't have to go anywhere, feel awkward, pay, get to make a million new friends and then can go to bed minutes later might be my new favorite thing. I feel kind of silly gushing about it but it's new to me. That whole band is so, so nice (which gives me hope for Portland!). Danielle is the sweetest. Melody and I, and then Ardilla and Joey all slow danced together to their second to last song.
After their set I just kind of wanted to hang out, not be sweaty anymore, observe. So I talked to some people and stood to the side being happy. Sascha came and kissed me on the cheek and that whole situation is weird and lovely all at once. We both had drank a forty but weren't drunk compared to usual at all.
Popes played last and they were fun. They covered a Cure song. Eventually things started to dwindle down and I headed to bed since I have work at ten. I said bye to everyone, and goodnight to the kids staying over after I collected all the blankets I could find.
Then I kissed someone. I've never kissed anyone first before.
My life is taking so many turns for great things, or at least just continuing to surprise me like usual.
More cute text messages from another boy far away has my heart in so many places though.
Old Fling played first and they were super good. I stood around drinking my forty and dancing on the couch. I finally met the infamous Matt Evans and after sobering up I came to realize when he asked me, "Can I put up a flyer on your door?" it was actually code for, "Can I put up flyers all over your house?" Not that I mind, it was just funny to even walk into the garage and see one on the door out there too. They covered 'Hey Jealousy' last and that was a lot of fun, started my dancing around the living room.
Ardilla, Melody and I hid in my room for awhile talking. I think it's so funny out of any of the people I knew about in the whole Kentucky crowd they're the last ones I think I'd be friends with that I'm not already. But they're great.
The Taxpayers played second and although they didn't play that many songs I wanted to hear/knew, it was still sososo much fun. Having the show at MY house where I don't have to go anywhere, feel awkward, pay, get to make a million new friends and then can go to bed minutes later might be my new favorite thing. I feel kind of silly gushing about it but it's new to me. That whole band is so, so nice (which gives me hope for Portland!). Danielle is the sweetest. Melody and I, and then Ardilla and Joey all slow danced together to their second to last song.
After their set I just kind of wanted to hang out, not be sweaty anymore, observe. So I talked to some people and stood to the side being happy. Sascha came and kissed me on the cheek and that whole situation is weird and lovely all at once. We both had drank a forty but weren't drunk compared to usual at all.
Popes played last and they were fun. They covered a Cure song. Eventually things started to dwindle down and I headed to bed since I have work at ten. I said bye to everyone, and goodnight to the kids staying over after I collected all the blankets I could find.
Then I kissed someone. I've never kissed anyone first before.
My life is taking so many turns for great things, or at least just continuing to surprise me like usual.
More cute text messages from another boy far away has my heart in so many places though.
Monday, February 14, 2011
Cute
The weirdest realization is "going home" is going back to Asheville. This is my home now and it's interesting how those things have to sink in.
I live in the South, my whole life is changing- I guess this is what I wanted though.
I live in the South, my whole life is changing- I guess this is what I wanted though.
003.
The sole reason I would ever rely on drinking for anything, would be the ability to say what I need to say (without hiding through a text message or some other form of communication that's not face to face) without feeling awkward or weird or over think it. When I'm not sober it just comes out easier and works. Hopefully it doesn't embarrass me but even then at least you have an excuse that you were drunk- but then still, AT LEAST, you got it off your chest. And that always feels better.
This situation is uncomfortable. I hate, absolutely hate, not knowing where I stand with someone; And then you find yourself questioning whether the pros are worth it or if the cons are too much to handle and you'd rather hit edit-> revert to original and let the new additions go.
I like that we can cuddle in the car, I like that I feel more comfortable and closer in some ways- but I don't know what the limits are. We agreed we'd do the things we did drunk sober as well- so does that mean we want to? But when? And how would we ever talk about it without a little alcohol in us?
I don't want to think about this. I know these aren't true feelings, but it's something. I guess it's a relationship I've never had before and the fact that I truly like kissing you doesn't help. Because drop everything else, that fact doesn't change. I really like kissing you and it makes me think about it and thinking has never got me anywhere but sick.
It's strange though, because although I've always liked little kisses and kissing was a nice thing, I never loved kissing anyone. I never stopped and thought, wow I love kissing you; But with you it's different and it's making me crave your attention because I don't want this to just fade and I don't want to become uncomfortably uncomfortable.
Enough of that, the weekend started out when I came home from work on Friday around 7. I made cupcakes, Sascha and I walked to the corner store for 40s and around 9 some friends came over. I helped Eva, Marissa and Sascha make his cookies and then played cards/Presidents with Dan, Evan, Derek and Liz. Those are the people I feel like I've been around the least but I think they're my favorites. More people came over and eventually Toby called me to ask where to buy beer and that they'd be over soon. The show started around midnight and Joey played a Bruce Springsteen cover set on Mandolin, that was a lot of fun..a lot of sing a longs and some meows. Then Eric played (and by then I was very, very drunk and Sascha too) and he played Instant Gratification like I asked him to, that was so great. Toby played and it was fun- people sitting all around my living room until 3 am. I met a bunch of people, some other absolutely ridiculous things happened and I woke up at 7:30 am to Chase standing in my room, which was weird. I slowly got ready to go and eventually everyone (Madeline, Eric, Toby, Jake and Joey) else got up except for Sascha. It took three different tries and a lot of sleep talking (tell me when you're getting the money, i'm walking to the bus, but Sergio left..) before he finally got coherent enough to get ready and get in the car. We left finally around 8:30 and headed for Kentucky for Crucial Quiet Fest and Sascha was still drunk for like 3 more hours.
Sascha, Joey, Madeline, Chase and myself crammed in Chase's car and we got to Berea, KY a little before 1. Sascha and I went for a walk and talked about some of the ridiculous things that happened a few hours prior and ended up walking a few different places for awhile. At one point while wandering around the city of Berea Sascha said, "I forgot how much I love being somewhere I don't know, a new city" and he nailed it. I couldn't believe how good it felt starring out the windows at the mountains in Tennessee with no responsibility other than to have fun. We got back to the Black Feather and I saw Anthony and Alexis. I watched Sarah Silantro's set. I think I wandered around for most of the first half of the fest, sometimes talking to people, sitting around with Sascha and feeling really weird and really great at the same time. Watching the sets in between all that of course. I really loved everyone who played, even the ones who I don't normally (or haven't previously) liked recorded. American War was especially lovely. I talked to the other Tesla for awhile, it was kind of sad when I kept hearing "Tes!" and turning around and remembering there's no one that calls me that within miles and miles. I actually formally met Ardilla and she's a lot better than I previously thought (her and Melody are actually coming to hang out in Asheville tomorrow). Saw Dakota, of course as well. I'll always disappoint myself when it comes to certain people though, I guess. However now I know I didn't have anything to be upset about.
When the first half ended around 5, Sascha, Chase and me went in search of a grocery store for some free food (which never got eaten until like midnight since we got yelled at for having it later). When the second half of the fest started, I felt a lot more comfortable. I think it's because the initial part of the fest (any fest) takes some soaking in, getting into the mindset for what's typically a weekend full of fun. That's when I realized by the time I was finally all in, ready to go, it'd be over and time to fall asleep and then wake up to head back to Asheville.
Bands started playing around 7 and I wandered around some more. Dylan Sizemore was great, so was Kyle Hall. I can't get over him being 15. He's a super sweet kid and I think I want him to be my little brother. Everyone was so sleepy the whole day, it was kind of weird actually; Crucial sleepy fest? Eventually more and more people played and slowly (very slowly) it was time to say goodbye. I hate it. So much. One day fests are absolutely horrible as of now. Dakota was the hardest because he one person there I actually wish I got to spend more time with (generally), but the Wild headed back for Atlanta that same night. Eventually we (and like 25 other people) went back to the house (Anthony, Alexis, Melody and Lauren's place) to stay the night. I sat around Alexis' room with her and Madeline talking and eating carrots for awhile- there's not much to say about the rest of the night, I was tired and bumming myself out because I didn't have it in me to socialize and instead silently pined away for someone's attention. Slept on the hardwood floor with just an extra blanket, Sascha's coat and my feet on top of his through his sleeping bag. After going to bed early, everyone was up by 9. I put Sascha's coat on and ate watermelon and silently watched. I wrote Alexis a note and got ready to go, and eventually so did everyone else. The goodbyes seriously hurt, even with people I'm not close with. Eric Ayotte actually gave me a hug and told me it was nice meeting me, Toby reached up from the ground and squeezed my hand, Anthony said my arrival was a pleasant surprise and I just hugged Alexis forever.
We left around 10:30 and headed back to North Carolina.
On the way home, about half way, we stopped in Knoxville, Tennessee for vegan pizza and got it for carry out and sat in the grass outside eating. Madeline and I shared a pizza and we took group pictures. We dropped Joey off at some random place on the highway -i also forgot to mention when we stopped and picked up a dead raccoon for him- and Madeline and I sang cute songs in the back seat the rest of the way to Asheville. Being home with no plans after a trip is such an awkward time, I didn't know what to do with myself so I just laid in my head for awhile and twenty minutes later I got a text message that made everything feel a little okay "So good to see you yesterday!" Do you have any idea how much I needed that, and only from you?
The rest of the night I did some dishes, ate some left over soup and Sascha and I "rented" a movie on itunes. Now I'm sitting in my room wishing I had the guts and right moment to say what I want to say, and thinking about the things I have to do tomorrow that I really don't want to do tomorrow and how the Taxpayers are playing at my house.
This situation is uncomfortable. I hate, absolutely hate, not knowing where I stand with someone; And then you find yourself questioning whether the pros are worth it or if the cons are too much to handle and you'd rather hit edit-> revert to original and let the new additions go.
I like that we can cuddle in the car, I like that I feel more comfortable and closer in some ways- but I don't know what the limits are. We agreed we'd do the things we did drunk sober as well- so does that mean we want to? But when? And how would we ever talk about it without a little alcohol in us?
I don't want to think about this. I know these aren't true feelings, but it's something. I guess it's a relationship I've never had before and the fact that I truly like kissing you doesn't help. Because drop everything else, that fact doesn't change. I really like kissing you and it makes me think about it and thinking has never got me anywhere but sick.
It's strange though, because although I've always liked little kisses and kissing was a nice thing, I never loved kissing anyone. I never stopped and thought, wow I love kissing you; But with you it's different and it's making me crave your attention because I don't want this to just fade and I don't want to become uncomfortably uncomfortable.
Enough of that, the weekend started out when I came home from work on Friday around 7. I made cupcakes, Sascha and I walked to the corner store for 40s and around 9 some friends came over. I helped Eva, Marissa and Sascha make his cookies and then played cards/Presidents with Dan, Evan, Derek and Liz. Those are the people I feel like I've been around the least but I think they're my favorites. More people came over and eventually Toby called me to ask where to buy beer and that they'd be over soon. The show started around midnight and Joey played a Bruce Springsteen cover set on Mandolin, that was a lot of fun..a lot of sing a longs and some meows. Then Eric played (and by then I was very, very drunk and Sascha too) and he played Instant Gratification like I asked him to, that was so great. Toby played and it was fun- people sitting all around my living room until 3 am. I met a bunch of people, some other absolutely ridiculous things happened and I woke up at 7:30 am to Chase standing in my room, which was weird. I slowly got ready to go and eventually everyone (Madeline, Eric, Toby, Jake and Joey) else got up except for Sascha. It took three different tries and a lot of sleep talking (tell me when you're getting the money, i'm walking to the bus, but Sergio left..) before he finally got coherent enough to get ready and get in the car. We left finally around 8:30 and headed for Kentucky for Crucial Quiet Fest and Sascha was still drunk for like 3 more hours.
Sascha, Joey, Madeline, Chase and myself crammed in Chase's car and we got to Berea, KY a little before 1. Sascha and I went for a walk and talked about some of the ridiculous things that happened a few hours prior and ended up walking a few different places for awhile. At one point while wandering around the city of Berea Sascha said, "I forgot how much I love being somewhere I don't know, a new city" and he nailed it. I couldn't believe how good it felt starring out the windows at the mountains in Tennessee with no responsibility other than to have fun. We got back to the Black Feather and I saw Anthony and Alexis. I watched Sarah Silantro's set. I think I wandered around for most of the first half of the fest, sometimes talking to people, sitting around with Sascha and feeling really weird and really great at the same time. Watching the sets in between all that of course. I really loved everyone who played, even the ones who I don't normally (or haven't previously) liked recorded. American War was especially lovely. I talked to the other Tesla for awhile, it was kind of sad when I kept hearing "Tes!" and turning around and remembering there's no one that calls me that within miles and miles. I actually formally met Ardilla and she's a lot better than I previously thought (her and Melody are actually coming to hang out in Asheville tomorrow). Saw Dakota, of course as well. I'll always disappoint myself when it comes to certain people though, I guess. However now I know I didn't have anything to be upset about.
When the first half ended around 5, Sascha, Chase and me went in search of a grocery store for some free food (which never got eaten until like midnight since we got yelled at for having it later). When the second half of the fest started, I felt a lot more comfortable. I think it's because the initial part of the fest (any fest) takes some soaking in, getting into the mindset for what's typically a weekend full of fun. That's when I realized by the time I was finally all in, ready to go, it'd be over and time to fall asleep and then wake up to head back to Asheville.
Bands started playing around 7 and I wandered around some more. Dylan Sizemore was great, so was Kyle Hall. I can't get over him being 15. He's a super sweet kid and I think I want him to be my little brother. Everyone was so sleepy the whole day, it was kind of weird actually; Crucial sleepy fest? Eventually more and more people played and slowly (very slowly) it was time to say goodbye. I hate it. So much. One day fests are absolutely horrible as of now. Dakota was the hardest because he one person there I actually wish I got to spend more time with (generally), but the Wild headed back for Atlanta that same night. Eventually we (and like 25 other people) went back to the house (Anthony, Alexis, Melody and Lauren's place) to stay the night. I sat around Alexis' room with her and Madeline talking and eating carrots for awhile- there's not much to say about the rest of the night, I was tired and bumming myself out because I didn't have it in me to socialize and instead silently pined away for someone's attention. Slept on the hardwood floor with just an extra blanket, Sascha's coat and my feet on top of his through his sleeping bag. After going to bed early, everyone was up by 9. I put Sascha's coat on and ate watermelon and silently watched. I wrote Alexis a note and got ready to go, and eventually so did everyone else. The goodbyes seriously hurt, even with people I'm not close with. Eric Ayotte actually gave me a hug and told me it was nice meeting me, Toby reached up from the ground and squeezed my hand, Anthony said my arrival was a pleasant surprise and I just hugged Alexis forever.
We left around 10:30 and headed back to North Carolina.
On the way home, about half way, we stopped in Knoxville, Tennessee for vegan pizza and got it for carry out and sat in the grass outside eating. Madeline and I shared a pizza and we took group pictures. We dropped Joey off at some random place on the highway -i also forgot to mention when we stopped and picked up a dead raccoon for him- and Madeline and I sang cute songs in the back seat the rest of the way to Asheville. Being home with no plans after a trip is such an awkward time, I didn't know what to do with myself so I just laid in my head for awhile and twenty minutes later I got a text message that made everything feel a little okay "So good to see you yesterday!" Do you have any idea how much I needed that, and only from you?
The rest of the night I did some dishes, ate some left over soup and Sascha and I "rented" a movie on itunes. Now I'm sitting in my room wishing I had the guts and right moment to say what I want to say, and thinking about the things I have to do tomorrow that I really don't want to do tomorrow and how the Taxpayers are playing at my house.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Always the unexpected.
Never a dull moment. Yet some how, still so typical. I wonder what my heart is going to do this weekend. I'm way too in tune with the way things feel to ever detach myself completely. At least I have comfort in it always "meaning" something, or at least being something real.
Sunday, February 6, 2011
002.
Everything has been working out so perfectly it seems like it can't be merely coincidence. I have so many of the things I've been reaching for for so long. But it doesn't stop me from still asking myself what I'm doing. I don't know what I'm doing here.
I don't know what I'm doing.
I think half (if not more) of my sadness comes from the fact that I don't think I've ever missed anything for so long the way I miss last summer. I think I always anticipate summer and warm months, but the amount I want to text a close friend saying “I miss summer” seems way too often and redudant because they know I miss summer. I just can't get over it. Things are good, but they're not as good as they were a few months ago when I was more free than I had ever previously known and I'm not sure I can stop pining away for that feeling until I reach it again. Until then I'll never be completely content, I won't be sure of my actions, I won't know what I'm doing, I'll have fun but not as much fun as I could be having. Is the winter supposed to make you feel this horrible 80% of the time?
I've been dreaming of the desert.
I don't know what I'm doing.
I think half (if not more) of my sadness comes from the fact that I don't think I've ever missed anything for so long the way I miss last summer. I think I always anticipate summer and warm months, but the amount I want to text a close friend saying “I miss summer” seems way too often and redudant because they know I miss summer. I just can't get over it. Things are good, but they're not as good as they were a few months ago when I was more free than I had ever previously known and I'm not sure I can stop pining away for that feeling until I reach it again. Until then I'll never be completely content, I won't be sure of my actions, I won't know what I'm doing, I'll have fun but not as much fun as I could be having. Is the winter supposed to make you feel this horrible 80% of the time?
I've been dreaming of the desert.
Saturday, February 5, 2011
001.
Things are really good. I really like how things are going and how things have been lately. I like my job, I like the people I've met, have been meeting and around me (well mostly, housemate #2 couldn't be more on my nerves), I like the things I've been doing and have been involved in and futures plans are super exciting.
What isn't good is how I feel about myself. I can't stand myself lately. I can't stand how I look or how I act.
Nothing is going to be very great until I figure out how to fix this. Body issues are out the roof, and I avoid social situations because I bum myself out and one affects the other in a never ending cycle. I don't know what to do. I don't even know how to word this so it doesn't sound totally pathetic.
What isn't good is how I feel about myself. I can't stand myself lately. I can't stand how I look or how I act.
Nothing is going to be very great until I figure out how to fix this. Body issues are out the roof, and I avoid social situations because I bum myself out and one affects the other in a never ending cycle. I don't know what to do. I don't even know how to word this so it doesn't sound totally pathetic.
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