I don't know what you see in me or what I have to offer. But I need these chances, so I'll take them. I hope I don't dissappoint any of you too much.

Not completely forgotten.

thank you.

My mom tried talking to me last night and I couldn't respond. It's not because I didn't want to discuss everything, it's just that I'm that unable to communicate everything that's going on in my head right now. I'm such a wreck I wouldn't know how to say what I'm feeling. Actually, I'm not sure I even know how I'm feeling. That's how detached from myself I feel.

"Covering my eyes, because we are nothing,
and never quite the same from a black and white summer.
With photographs that showed our rails and razorblades."

I'm excited for Halloween for the first time in years. It could potentially turn out really awkward, but I'm giving it a try. Chrystina invited me to go up to Philly with her for a few different parties friend of her's are having. I don't have much of a costume, but I think I can make it work. We're buying sparkling cider to chug as champaine, because we're gonna party HARD :)

Never forgive you for a sky turned from gray to black.

I've lost all contact with stability and rationale. I'm living, breathing, going through the motions. I feel too much and nothing all at once. I guess you could just call me confused, maybe a little lost.

Under highway signs I watched our love start fluttering and dissipating. I counted all the headlights to make sure I was all right.

I want to update but feel like my mind can only be explained as "..." currently.

Or if I tried to talk about anything, I'd only feel as if I was just restating things I've stated a thousand times before. Ups and Downs aren't even hard anymore because I'm starting to get used to this. Not to say I'm happy about that in the least. You don't understand, but I'm not packing up my things to run away, I'm packing up my things because there's nothing left here for me. Maybe if you took the time to talk to me about it you wouldn't assume my reasonings, I'm actually pretty good at what I do. I've been living this way a long, long time. I wonder how tomorrow's going to turn out. It's been a many months and a million chances, but I think this could be a good thing. I'm extremely excited to see Saves the Day and Anthony green toghether at a random, small south jersey venue. I've been listening to so much early 90's emo this week. I've put too many different thoughts into one paragraph, there's no flow at all.

...

I think visiting Stacy this weekend was one of the best things I could have done for myself. Walking around the city and staying the the dorm made me remember why I wanted SVA so bad. It's been so long that I lost hope, that longing, and momentum again but it's back. I actually want to do my work so that I'll get in this time around. It feels so right and I still can't wait to start that part of my life. This weekend helped my remember that and I'm ready again.

Philly: Night 2

So after watching the sunrise and having no idea what to do since there's a no sleep rule in the Penthouse, we finally decided to up the punx and break the rules, theres two huge couches just the right size to sleep on, so around 7:30 am we put ourselves to bed..only to get woken up at 8 allowed to go back to our room.

We slept til 12, ate breakfast in the caf, and decided to go to barnes and noble, and the shopped with out money at H&M and Urban Outfitters. I found the most amazing winter coat at H&M but almost cried when the tag read $100. But I asked my mom to pay for half of it, and she agreed. I'm so excited to go back on Friday and get it. I had to work on my photography project so we were walking around doing that and trying to decide what our plans for the night should be. During that time is when the weirdest thing I saw that day happend: There was this man in a convertable, driving down Chesnut, blasting what could have been Aretha Franklin, but was definitely a black woman 60's style singer, singing along. I kind of smiled at it at first, but when I looked back he has the creepiest grin on his face and he was starring at us. We smiled back, sort of, and then looked at each other. He was also wearing a sailor hat, holding a huge cross that was hanging from his rear view mirror in one hand, and using the other to kind of throw out the side of the car moving it along with the song. We gave money to some kind bums, and I remembered this cool Ice Cream Parlor I'd heard of so we went back to Moore to Google it.

We ate dinner in the caf, I met some nice people, and then me, stace, and rachael took the subway to Penn's Landing and went to Frankin's Fountain. It's this adorable 1930's style ice cream parlor. We ate and then took the train back to Moore, froze, and then everyone did homework which was find by me since I brought my Art History to do on the train. It was a lovely night, I think visiting Stace is going to be one of my favorite pasttimes this winter.

Philly: Night 1

This has been one of the most ridiculous nights I've had in a long time, in a good way for the most part since I'm basically laughing it all off.

The day started out with a huge fight with my mom, but then I left telling her I'd see her sometime next week. So I went and bought a few things I'd need for my three days and two nights up here in Philly and went and parked my car at my work. (which I'm basically praying doesn't get towed.) Walked to the train station getting weird looks from everyone I passed, on foot or in car, for walking around Wilmington with a pilllow. I ran into (avoided) two guys I work with because I didn't want to explain it, but because things were going that way I just accepted that my day wasn't going to be so smooth and kept on going.

It was starting to get dark and riding the train with just myself, a notebook, and some music was absolutely wonderful, I'm definitely going to have to start doing this more often.

Justine and Stacy picked me up the train station and we went back to Moore (Stacy's college) so I could get signed in as a guest and stuff. We decided to walk to Chinatown and get bubble tea, but since Stace has never been too good with directions we never found it. Instead we ended getting followed by some homeless black guy who was asking about our husbands, got pizza from a small itlain place, i feel backwards in the middle of a huge intersection, we watched some movies, and went to sleep around 1 am.

At 2 I heard her roomate come in, a few minutes later she was puking everywhere. After awhile she got up and went into the bathroom and thankfully both stacy AND me were awake. The smell was horrible, and it got a little bizzare when Rachael (the roommate) came back in and when Stacy started asking about what happend she started denying throwing up. The smell was too horrible so we got up and wandered around the school, eventually going to an RA to see what we should do since we couldn't sleep with the smell.

Long story short, they almost called 911 to see if she has alcohol poisoning, someone has to stay in the room and we wouldn't, so now it's 5:30 am and we're sitting up in the Penthouse again, watching Bobby, Stace is falling asleep, I'm working on Art History and waiting to watch the sunrise because there's no way I'm sleeping tonight now. I can't wait to see what tomorrow's going to hold, my life is ridiculous.

I'm spending the rest of the weekend in philly until monday evening, I guess my wish kind of came true. Then hopefully going straight from there to meet Garrett somewhere and go see Have Heart in Baltimore.

"You spend your whole life looking for the adult that you are.You spend the rest of your life looking for the child that you were."

They say absence makes the heart grow fonder.

But this time, it just made me hate you more.


Up and down, back and fowarth. I need something so much more, and I'm sick of searching, but when honestly I wouldn't even know where to begin. If someone would run away with me, just get in the car, take off..with no destination, or time limit in mind. Whether it was for a week, a weekend, or just one night. I would be more ready than I've ever been in my life. I need to experience something new, so I know this isn't it.

I'll give you bonafide lovin'.

I can't wait until January. I'm so ready for my trip. I'm so ready to see forgotten faces and to feel old friendships again. I'm so ready to feel my streets beneath my feet, and smell every familiar smell I've ever known. I feel like once January comes around, I'll feel such a huge weight lifted of my shoulders, I'll feel a little free.

As much as I know I'll miss her, I keep telling my mom to move now. Our relationship has shot to hell lately and I can't stand her for more than 5 minutes. I'm irritated before she even opens her mouth.

Last night was one of the better nights I've had in awhile. It was Melissa's birthday, and as much as I wanted to make it spectacular I just thought we'd hang out for awhile and then I planned to work on my Art History because well, it's still not done and it's already so so sooo late. But whatever, shit happend, I hung out all night, but I wouldn't change that at all. I got up early so I could get up to Newark early, and I did, I stood outside Melissa's school with a bunch of balloons and picked her up. We went and got Panera, and went back to her house to try and figure out the plans, I then saw the most odd bowl of my life haha. When it comes down to it, we got the cereal bowl, lost our minds a for a little while for good reasons, met up with nick, alex, cheri, and andrew fusca, went to fair hill and got chased by the cops. That was the short version, such as epic night.

The storm is coming in.

Take me, take me back to your bed
I love you so much that it hurts my head
I don't mind you under my skin
I'll let the bad parts in, the bad parts in

Something vague that we're not seeing.

It's just time for me to start living again.
I wish it was as easy as simply stating it.

None of this is worth it anymore. I hate everyone, I hate everything, I hate every aspect of my life including myself. This is what my life's become, nothing but days full of hate and discontent. One night can go by where I'm okay but it never lasts, no one sees me when I'm not putting up a front. Every laugh, every smile, they're all insincere. Nothing that happens can make me feel like living, nothing that happens can make me feel at all.

This is how my life is now, and if that's how it's going to be, I hope I fucking stop breathing in my sleep.

keep shining on

"i need a purpose and i need a reason. i need to know that there is trophy and meaning, to all that we lose and all we fight for. to all our loves and our wars."

One minute, we're so close to being good friends. The next it's like you barely know me. I really wish I understood, why can't you see how much I'd give for us to be close? That every look I throw your way is me begging you to let me in?

No matter what I say, and no matter how much nyc feels right and how much I want to go, I'd like nothing more than for someone to give me a reason to question my decisions, someone to give me a reason to stay, give me something to fucking miss. or at least, help me feel like i'll be missed, that this won't be a one way street.

The people I cherish most now don't seem to want anything to do with me. I gave up on so many friends the past few months, and the kids who I want so badly in my life just don't seem to know I exsist. I know I'm exaggerating, I'm just fucking socially awkward. I'm sorry, please don't give up on me. I'll come around soon, I promise. I need this.

Inbetween the Sky and Doubt

There was a moment last night, where I looked at everyone around me and I hated each and every one of them. All that was running through my mind was, "I need to get out of here..I need to move NOW."


In the very bottom of my heart though, I wish someone would give me a reason to stay. Or at least something to miss, something that makes me question my decisions.

Stop pushing me away.

ups and downs

Why can't you see that I care about you? You throw me off everytime I see you, I just enjoy it so much more when those days come around where the moment I walk up there you are waiting for hug. Wish I didn't care.

The only one I trust.

I never thought you'd be one to disappoint me as well.