'10

A year ago right now I was walking around Reyoldstown, Atlanta, Georgia with Garrett, Tyler and Bill. I was probably standing in line at Best Buy with Tyler while he wasted his gift card on junk food and I was laughing at him for it, along with the employee ringing it up. That morning I had woken up and walked to the Barnes and Noble to change, get ready, brush my teeth, etc. We drove around Atlanta, under this bridge covered in awesome graffiti and wandered around Ikea for a while. We went to Taco Bell and Bill got cheese in his beard and I thought I was going to vomit, we went to Wal Mart and I was overly excited about all the cheap vegan food I could buy since I had $17 for all of tour. We went back to the house we were staying at (the second of two nights, however still technically the first because Garrett, Tyler and I had slept in the van the night before), took showers and basically brought in the new year sitting around the living room, watching Inglorious Basterds (which might be my least favorite movie ever) and I tried to not let the boys' shitty attitudes bring me down as I tried to see fireworks out the window.
Despite being on tour with negative people and some that aren't too nice to you, the best part of welcoming in 2010 was doing so traveling.

And I don't think anything could of been any more prophetic, or a glimpse into how the whole year was going to be, than that specific fact (including that 10 months later I'd be driving through that graffiti covered bridge again in my own car with all different people, visiting Atlanta kids I didn't even know existed a year ago). I really found what I love most on that tour; being in a new city every night, wandering around places i've never been, making new friends and just generally traveling- where my heart really is and stays even when I'm not.
I spent the rest of 2010 doing those things as much as possible. As much as I hope 2011 brings new things, experiences and doesn't feel the exact same, I hope this isn't an aspect of my life that ever changes unless it's towards something more.

two eighths

You said, "I've slept a collective 9 hours in the past 3 days", and I heard you, but you didn't need to say it. Your eyes already said it for you.

You have the most tired eyes I've ever seen and I think they're the best. They're the best because you said you hadn't slept and your eyes told me you weren't lying. Your eyes told me you'd never lie to me.

My memory doesn't serve me well these days. I don't remember the things people say, even when I wish I'd hold on to their words forever. But I could never forget a thing your eyes said, even in a barely audible whisper. And if you wanted I could listen to them chatter for a million hours, if you wanted I could make their incessant chatter my background music; the tune that carries my feet down the street every day.

004.

I am so entirely both scared and excited for everything 2011 is bringing me. Everything I have to look forward to is extremely exciting, but at the same time the exact situations I'm scared of most.

2011- pushing myself out of my comfort zone(s) and finally getting over the things that hold me back? I hope so. Everything is going exactly the way I want it to, it's just the butterflies that hesitate my steps.

The next week is hopefully going to be great. Flying back to Philly on Tuesday, staying with Stace and hanging out- saying bye more finally than ever to that city, new years pizza parties with my best friends, going to Richmond on New Years day to see Dakota and finally driving to Asheville with Max and Chrystina and moving into my house!

"come home i miss you" I don't think anyone has quite as many homes as me. It's a really great feeling some nights. My housemate is so great, how'd I get so lucky? 2010 how did you bring me so much?

New shoes, new friends, new houses, new music, new feelings, new everything; just in time for the new year.

I'm happy again, in a much different way.

cc

When people you think are really cool end up not being really cool at all.
When you REALLY REALLY want to get to know them and you leave disappointed because you made them up to be so much more in your head. It's your own fault, but even that knowledge doesn't change the disappointment clouding your day.

I hope that never happens with you- to us.
Or if anything at all I sure hope I can tie into this somehow; just maybe there's an extra spot somewhere with my name on it.


"Christmas presents" really turning into Christmas presents, and blushing because I don't want to care but it still feels nice.
Almost as nice as having friends that actually inspire you. I'm not sure I've ever felt that before now (new feelings, first times). I hope one day I can be that person for someone.

really really

I don't know how it's possible to feel so much at once all the time.

How I can get so sad, yet be so excited. At the same time.
How I can be so happy, yet so nervous. At the same time.
How I can feel so anxious, yet so grateful. At the same time.
(So tired, yet so restless.)

All of these emotions, at the same time, all the time.
Every moment of every day I feel really intense.
I don't understand how it's possible to even feel this much; but if it's the alternative to not feeling anything at all, I'll gladly take it.


The only emotion I can even get a handle on is feeling more restless than ever, but even then I'm helpless to help myself.

And I can't sleep because of ma(il/le).
Twos and threes and twenty-threes.

typical

Someone I'm actually interested in as a person tells me they think I'm "cute" and I only think about how I should probably never talk to him again because it'll just make things weird, awkward and end horribly; because anytime anyone says anything like that now all I can think is "I will now inevitably fuck this up" and my past only proves me right.

I'm doing so well with everything else, but that is the one factor that I will probably never master- "relationships" and every single little thing that could fall into that category even questionably.

Which is the reason I keep thinking maybe it's better to keep my real interest in another person to myself and not pursue it with any true intentions. About a year ago I started to think hey maybe it'll get me somewhere if I change my ways and actually put myself out there- but that is not the case at all. The minute it's out in the air it's doomed and I can't be myself and everything gets so messy- at the very least mentally for me.

It's alright, friends are better anyways and that's all I really need from you anyways and we've already gotten that far- who knows why but I'm happy about it and that's all that matters.

003.

Reading things I just wrote this past summer, I feel so much older; like I wrote them ages ago. Is it possible I've grown up even more in just that time? That I can express myself so much more clearly and literately? That I complain less about menial things (or at least in a less annoying manner)? I don't feel so different, but I do know that in just the last 5 months I've learned even more what's important to me and where I'm headed; but can that affect how I mentally and verbally present myself? The writing progression would say so, but I never even feel like I really know what's going on with myself so I don't have the answer for any of these questions and never will. However if that is the case I'm not complaining. Here's to actually feeling your age, acknowledging maturity, knowing what you want out of life AND finally how to get there.

002.

Today my mother, sister, brother and I went to get our Christmas tree. Any year previously (although admittedly I haven't been overjoyed during family outings the last few) I would have thrown a fit if we hadn't gotten a real tree, decorated it, etc. However this year I had a different mind set for the first time, new thoughts that never really crossed my mind. I don't know whether they've spawned from my independence that I've really grown into the past year or two, my political understandings and view points that have become a lot clearer, practiced and defined, or if I'm just some jaded twenty year old who "doesn't think anything matters". But as we were leaving the Christmas tree lot with our new found pine in the back of the car, I couldn't help thinking there's something seriously flawed with the idea of going to buy a tree to place presents under for the sake and obligation of it all- seriously spending an outrageous amount of money on a tree that will sit in the living room a few weeks before ending up curb side- when there's not even food to eat in the kitchen cupboards. Obviously it's not secret that Christmas is a capitalist holiday about money and greed and a need for "things", and although I like giving things to the people I love I don't need a time of year centered around it, but the fact of it all really hit me today. The stupidity of spending $45 of a measly tree to sit in your living room and look nice when that money could be used for something you actually need, rather than "need".

And although these kind of thoughts affect my outlooks on certain things and people, and my overall mood, negatively, I think it says something about what I care about and think is important and that maybe I'm on the right track.

ink

I wish I knew what you smelled like; or wonder if I do but just can't remember.
I think that might be weird, but it's very honest so maybe that redeems it a little bit.

Chamomile

It really was our summer, wasn't it? It wasn't mine, it wasn't yours. It was collectively our friendship's summer.

I wrote that for you, I wish you knew. The irony in how close you are.

orange

I think one of my favorite feelings is the first time you realize a person isn't just someone you know anymore, but a friend; the moment the first time you ever refer to them as your friend, say it out loud or acknowledge it, when you feel everything shift a little.

103

And if you asked me a year ago, I couldn't see myself on this road; but now the street signs and yellow lines are burned into my mind.

Feelings, feelings, feelings and other kinds of feelings.

I'm sorry

I can't sit here and say I'm always going to be there anymore. I won't follow through, I'm not waiting for you. I'm living my own life and for once my decisions make a lot of sense. I have so many plans and things to look forward to and I'm not so sure I want to share it with you anymore.

Other than this, and the questions of how far to take detaching myself, all that keeps running through my head is "things are so great!" Which has to be one of the most amazing ideas I've felt in months.

One question though, what's more important- someone physically being around or the ability to trust someone?
I think I know the answer and it makes a lot of things make a lot of sense.

But not everything because the people that make me happiest are the ones I hardly know.

NC

Some how in a few days time I was able to remember why I chose this. Why I abruptly left, and why there's been this need to keep going and leaving and finding new people, places and things inside me that was undying for so long. I felt excited the last two days, and I can't tell you the last time I felt that full of hope and couldn't wipe a stupidly happy smile off my face. Everything that's falling into place are things that make me unbelievably happy.

Hanging out with Madeline and Sascha, being around radical people and hearing interesting discussions, remembering what it's like to be around people doing things and who care about things who are genuinely good and feeling that rub off of them and on to me, plans for fests and road trips in coming months already and positivity towards the months to come.

It's fucking freezing, and for the first time I don't mind.

California tomorrow, I don't want to go. But I know a phone call from a new friend and letter from a boy so close but so far will keep me going.

I'm living MY life. I feel completely alone in an amazing way. I left a lot of people, places and parts of my life miles away. But I did it knowingly. They helped get me here, and I'm thankful for that; for helping me become the person that's sitting here right now. But they served their purpose. Nothing in the past ever made me as genuinely happy as this; the part of my life that previously was only a portion of the whole thing, and now I'm making it the whole thing. Letting go of everything else. I've said goodbye to so many pasts, and now I'm doing it once again. Because as right as they felt as one point, they never felt as right as this.

001.

Things float in and out. And sometimes I feel summer again, or moments I was so overwhelmed and my chest tightens up.
But it's all starting to make sense again. I found my place, I just need reminders and foundation to set my feet in more permanently. I'm on my own and that's how it should be.

Roses

I slept in pretty darn late today, I think it's because I've been drinking so much coffee through out the day and then early morning comes and I'm just so restless. But as my insecurities started to seep in, when I start wondering if people liked me or if I'm worth hanging out with and I wondered if Madeline would want to hang out again, she called! And I met up with her and Sascha and ate free food from Rosetta's and Madeline and I split a piece of their vegan cake. Everything was so great, except now I am really full. It's very nice having people to hang out with and Sascha said, "Tesla we're going to have the best punk house Asheville has ever seen". Now I remember why these kids who I don't know very well, and don't see very often, and haven't entirely opened up to yet are my favorite people in the world. I remember the reason why I decided to head South more than ever and it's worth fighting to make work and fall in love.

4:21

It's funny how I hadn't thought of you in awhile, and then I just realized that I wouldn't be house hunting with some other guy if you had stayed in my life. And I wouldn't be thinking about going to Richmond on New Years or have ever left the mid atlantic. It's funny that I spent any time sad at all back then because my life now is so much better than it would have been and we're not even compatible as people this many months later.

And in reality I'm just really excited about everything that last night brought me.

ahem

The pros and cons of being awkwardly incapable of having conversation with new friends but being independent enough to push myself into the situation to begin with and leave it feeling "okay".

tired

So very tired of feeling numb all of the time. I can't feel anything but neutrality. It's progressively become worse and worse since August, and with an exception of Fest week(end), it's never ending. Perpetual numbness. I'm having trouble with human contact because I can't get excited about anything, I want to be happy and have fun and get to know people and put myself out there- but the feelings never come. And when I do have a conversation with someone, I find myself having such trouble with what to say and just wanting it to be over. I don't even like the person I am and who they perceive in front of them. On the other hand, while I can register that I don't want to not be able to feel those things, I also can't feel sadness and I'm not in a bad mood. I'm not unhappy or unable to be happy, excited or content because I'm too far on the other side of the spectrum. I just feel completely blank, as I said in the beginning, everything is numb. There are no variations. I have one mood, one emotion. And it's completely apathetic and I don't want to be this way anymore and I don't know how to fix this.

It's affecting my friendships and relationships with people, my life and everything around me. And I'm scared it's only going to get worse while it stays cold and gets colder, and it leaves me wondering if being somewhere I don't know anyone is really the best choice. I'm just back to never knowing what the right decisions are. I don't want to be home either. I don't even know what home is anymore.

Maybe that's not totally true, it's just that home isn't tangible (anymore or has it never been?). It's not a thing or a place; it's a feeling. And if that's the case, home is summer. Home is warmth, wandering, music, smelly hugs and familiar faces. And right now home is a distant memory that is fading and maybe what I'm really feeling is desertion and I'm not sure how to function with out it, like a piece of myself left with it.