I haven't accomplished anything I left to accomplish. I've been gone nine and a half weeks and I am not one step closer to anywhere I want to be. If anything I'm worse off than I was.

I spent close to the entirety of my day yesterday crying because on top every thought I'm incapable of dealing with, I don't know how to deal with the idea of going "home" and Sascha not being there. When I have absolutely nothing and no idea what I want, the idea of my best friend not being anywhere near where I am is possibly one of the hardest things I'm going to have to deal with.

I'm at the point where if I could go back to Asheville right now, nothing changed, every single piece of the dysfunction that was there still there, to go back to my life there exactly how I left it, I would do it in a heart beat. But I can't go back and things will never be the same.

002.

I am so tired of being sad. I want to be excited about something, I want to feel hope for things in the future. But it's so hard when I picture the options and I don't want any of them but I don't want to be where I am and I don't want to start over completely again.

Lately when I start crying, my body shakes. Everything I do feels intensified.
I don't want this, It can't go downhill forever.

And the look in your eyes when you told me that you loved me was much better than the look in mine as they teared up and I realized that it was time to say goodbye.