56

I MISS YOU. HOW MUCH MORE CLEAR CAN I MAKE IT?

But the fact of the matter is, i miss nearly everyone in my life at this point. How many people can you  miss with out starting to run out of space?

north

I really don't understand anything that's going on with my life right now. Nothing is terrible, but the stress and these feelings aren't helping me to get back to the place I'd like to be.

When the best friend who is the one thing you have that truly feels like home is pushing you away, as far as to have physically pushed you to leave their town early and the one person you'd really like to see again is 5 miles away as opposed to 900 and of course there's other circumstances but even they are absent from the picture. It's hard to choose the next step when the help you want and the things you need are continuing to dwindle.

The worst part of it all is how unaffected you seem. You make comments every now and then that show you know something is off, but when I express how important I feel like it is to work things out, you seem so distant.

I know the reasons for your actions, but that doesn't make it fair or okay. I can't only be wanted when I'm needed and less important the rest of the time. I can't let all this happen now and the minute you start to actually think about it and need me again, just be there like every other time. But then again how could I not just let you back in?

I don't know what you are to me anymore.

dice

Three and a half months ago, on my second visit to your new town, as we climbed into the smaller bed you had then, I told you between shaking and holding back tears that I was just afraid of losing you. You told me that you didn't think that would ever happen.

I'm doing so much better and I keep saying that because it feels true and meaningful for the first time in as far back as I can remember.

But the only thing deterring me from being even more sure of that, is that for the first time since I fell asleep in your arms that night, I actually feel like it's happening. It feels so one sided, I'm reaching for you and you're not reaching back. You're still there, I can still look into your eyes and see you looking back, but your lack of interest, or lack of expressing any interest, in trying to save something we have that is so important, is pushing me so far away and I don't want to be in this limbo.

I keep telling you I just want everything to be normal and the same and I'm so willing to work for that but my words seem to go right through you and I don't know if there's anything I can do about that, but if there was I'd never stop trying. Why can't you do the same?

002.

How many times can apologises mean something when nothing ever changes?

Someone called this emotional abuse the other day, I want to think I'm stronger than to let that happen to me but isn't that what most people like to think and why they stay?

001.

I got sick and you asked me why that happened.
Truth be told I don't know, but all I wanted to say was "because I don't know who you are right now, and I want my best friend back."

tm

It's really hard not having control over the things you say when you're angry, even when you mean them, even when they're true, even if it's so much of how you feel, because sometimes the repercussions aren't worth it.

You are the most important person to me.
Always.
And I hate this.

Conversations about how to fix things that just leave you feeling more broken.