005.

My heart is still too involved in everything I do, think, and say.

Melissa and I are going out to lunch tomorrow, trying to fix what once was one of the greatest friendships I've ever had. It's been a long time, and now we've had months apart not speaking, and when someone was that important to you and you both miss each other..I think it's worth making a second (or is it more?) attempt at. Although I wouldn't call the arguments before really anything compared to this one, those were fights that we got over. This is really a second chance, making changes, working at being the best friends we once were. I think it's possible, even if it might take some time. I know it won't be awkward, because even talking on aim the last two nights it's already gone right back to normal. It's just one of those friendships where you can go months and months without talking, but the minute you do again it's like you just did yesterday. The only thing I'm afraid of is it going right back to the way it was just before that major falling out. It can't, we weren't ok then. We were only friends because it was comfortable. I need my best friend from 2007/2008 back if this is going to work at all. We've both changed and grown up a lot, even in just 4 months. So I think that's the only reason it could be different now. I'm interested to see what happens, and excited to have her back in my life. It's hard going through things when one of the few friends that stays in your heart is absent.

I feel so stuck in Middletown, I just keep telling myself it's not forever. It's temporary. I'll have a new plan soon.
However, I'm still just....happy.
This feels right. This feels like a good thing.
I just hope that's not a one sided feeling. I'd like to think not.
He's wonderful and I'd like very much for this to become something wonderful.
I'm in no rush, I just like this.

I cleaned the snow off both cars, shoveled the drive way and walk way, cleaned (scrubbed so much) my bathroom, did all my laundry, and I'm still going to clean my room and vacuum. I haven't minded a second of it. I think it might be due to the fact that I haven't worked in so long. Never thought I'd see the day.

I miss summer a lot. My friends are so vacant these days. I was re-reading entries from summer. May and July were two of the best months of my life.
And even though it was sad, I want to feel so attached again in the way that I cried my little eyes out saying bye to Andrew and Tyler is August before I moved to Philly.
Those late nights laying in drewdrew's basement have so much of my heart it's not even funny.
And I hate art school for stealing my best friend. Not texting Stacy 24/7 is the strangest feeling and I'm not too fond of it.
I can't wait until everyone stops being so busy and I get my heart back.
I still blame the winter.

004.

I'm not going to Georgia anymore this weekend, Stacy has too many projects and I'm a little bummed because we all know I love trips and being somewhere new and different a little too much, but I almost told her the same thing. I get paid tomorrow and it's going to be small enough as it is, I'd rather use it for other things than all towards gas on a 25+ hour drive all together. I know it'd be an absolutely amazing time, but there's other things to look forward to right now, AND we can see Nana Grizol again, probably closer (close being somewhere within 8 hours). I'd probably be more sad if I wasn't excited about other things.

I really need to buy my UBF ticket, and possibly Drew's too if the Michigan kids are still coming down.

I'm also not going anywhere, at least not just yet.

All I know is I'm reallll happy.
I'm entirely convinced he's amazing.
I'm both excited and a little scared.
We'll see, we'll see, we'll see.

We'll see.

I just realized the amount of places I've said I "might be moving" in the past few weeks is ridiculous. I actually have no idea what I'm doing. I have a lot of options and I like them all and I might even do them all.

For this week I'm staying here and going to Georgia with my best friend for the weekend and maybe hanging out with a cute boy. That's all the matters. I'll figure out the rest when the time comes.

:)

I'd drop Baltimore in a second if something comes out of this. I never saw THIS coming in a million years. Then again, that's exactly how everything's been lately. I'm so happy right now.

Bmore.

The chances of me moving to Baltimore in a few weeks are pretty high. I never saw this coming. Who knows if it's a good or bad idea, but I know I don't want what I have right now and I'm willing to do pretty much try anything to change that. I'd be living at the Frisby St punk house, and rents only $195 plus utlities. I also may have gotten a job already in downtown that pays $10/hr. Life sounds good to me.

09/15/07

You are the only friend I know and have ever known who loves me so unconditionally. I haven't felt like myself since we got home and all I need right now is a hug from my best friend. You can frustrate the hell out of me sometimes when I try to figure out why you do some of the things you do, but when it comes down to it you care about myself and my well being more than I do.

Tyler 11:44pm
i love you you should know that


It's a mutual feeling that's always there. Always has been and always will be. It's been a long time now, and it's no mistake that you're now one of the ones to stick around the longest. Most days it doesn't feel necessary to say because it's more than known or felt. But sometimes it's still nice to hear, sometimes even needed. Especially on nights where your timing couldn't have been better.

Thank you Tyler.

"friday nights are killing me."

I lose my appeal after awhile.

If anything has been a reoccurring aspect in my life, this is it. Sometimes I can gain it back, most of the time not. I'm a book with a wonderful cover and lots of hype that only turns out to be mediocre at best.

My mind is always in so many places.

003.

I had the most inspiring 3 hour conversation about traveling with Orion tonight. Involving so many organizations/groups that I can either volunteer or board with, inviting me to Maine this summer, and plans to hitch hike to Pittsburgh (to begin with). It seriously came out of no where and, just like everything else lately, told me that the direction that I'm heading, the things I want, and my views on life couldn't possibly be more dead on. And if they're not, then I don't know what all these signs could possible mean otherwise. Everything has been perfectly falling into place, almost too perfectly. The amount of strange occurrences, coincidences, future telling, and connections that I've made in the last few weeks are beyond weird. But I love every second of it. I don't have an exact plan yet, but I don't really want one. I'm not sure where to begin, but I'm going to do all of it..that's for sure.

Oh! Also, everything is fine with me and Andrew again. He told me misses me, and that's all I really needed.

and this:
"..and then this guy walks in dressed all nice and shit and I was the only girl so of course he tried to hit on me and he's like 'Hey I'm Matt Damon's cousin.' And I turned to him and said 'look motherfucker, we live in Hollywood unless you're Matt fucking Damon yourself I don't give a fuck who you know.' " This is why I've kept Ashley Ivey around for almost 8 years.

002.

The way I feel these days is unlike anything I've ever felt before while being the same thing I've always felt. I know this makes no sense. I can't even comprehend the way I feel myself so how could I ever explain it? I am content and discontent all at once, every moment. I think maybe I'm just so full of so many different emotions that I start to lost the ability to determine what I'm feeling at a given time. I am so disconent, but I'm watching everything come together and I know it's going to be ok and so good soon. I'm just entirely too impatient.

001.

There’s this feeling that hits me some late nights/early mornings. It comes out of nowhere and it’s typically when I’m feeling a little lost, laying in the dark and listening to the same old "winter kind of bands". It’s so over whelming and so much emotion that I don’t really know what to do with myself. Now is one of those times. I feel nostalgia, longing, sadness, and almost an urgency all at once. But there is no actual reason to pin any sort of feelings to. It is one of the most intense things I've experienced (and on so many nights just like this one) and I can’t even begin to know how to handle it. It makes me want to get in my car and drive as far as I can get with what little money I have. Then once I get there, jump out and keep running in the same direction and get as far as I possibly can from anyone or anything I know to be familiar. One night I think I might, because no other solution seems right. I just wish there was someone who'd drop everything to come with me. Someone else who realizes nothing is ever really too important.

AK

I'm going to write about tour and the rest of 2009 soon. I really want to before it becomes too distant like I let things get much too often. But I keep waiting for that feeling of wanting to write to come before I do, it's so much easier and feels so good then.

Right now though, I feel like there is nothing left here. Even the few people that kept me around when it felt like this before seem almost irrelevant now. I don't feel a connection to break anymore. I know even if I was miles away I'd still have Stacy, and that's all that truly matters. Of course there's others, I would cry my little eyes out if I ever left Tyler. But I can't live this way, I can't sit in my grandma's house all day in this room that's not mine and not do anything and wait to be scheduled at work to make money that I don't even want. I just want warm weather so I can take off and nothing can stop me. I miss the way things were, but I don't want them back anymore. I want something new. I don't feel like I can progress anymore in the mid-atlantic. But then I think of Philly and now I know I could really make a life there and how it's already started (making more connections in Kentucky of all places) but this thought in my head of going somewhere far away and new isn't leaving and it's so fucking strong that I don't know how I could just possibly ignore it....

I left a little piece of my heart in Arkansas.

Rambleramble

6 months from today I will be 20 fucking years old.
Summers mark so much for me.
I like cats/kittens now. I don't know how those kinds of facts just changed, but those kittens in Arkansas just meant so much. Now I love all felines.
I might be moving into a collective in Philly with 8 radical idealist, vegan, dumpster diving, lovely people. I'm waiting for an e-mail back.
Everything comes together if you just wait it out and never stop hoping.
I might just delete everything in my Itunes except Jose Gonzalez.

WHY DON'T YOU MISS ME?

This is how it feels when you lose someone and they hate you and want nothing to do with you. But I didn't do anything. I never made you angry. Nothing ever happened that should of affected us in any way. You told me I was your sister, I told you everything I would tell a best friend. But now something changed and you've just stopped caring. I don't understand. I just don't know why you don't miss me the way I miss you. I don't know how you can hang out with people you've always claimed to hate but won't give me the time of day, and when you do it's not important. We were so close, and I love you to death. I just don't know why it's like this. Please come back.

4:44 am

Bedsheets (and usually beds) are non-existent in my life. As well as clean socks.
I want to move to Little Rock, Arkansas and live by those tracks.
I've been wearing these jeans for 4-5 days now, and this includes sleeping in them.
Southern Hospitality makes me feel like a horrible person/gain confidence in humanity.
Joy Division, Morrissey, and The Cure are wonderful. And might be all I listen to for the next 9 weeks.
I hate all things winter/things are only good when it's warm.
My heart might now be a few states away.
The weird connections in my life seize to stop anywhere, and even follow me to Kentucky.
Ear plugs have intersecting good and bad qualities. Actually it's mostly just of the dilemma of protecting my hearing vs. getting the full effect of a show. I tend to be my own worst enemy.
If there's a God, he's been giving me signs via locomotive.
Summer, summer, summer, summer.
Home isn't home anymore.
I wouldn't have a home even if it was.
I can't help but hold, pet, and play with Kittens all night even if it means inevitable sneeze attacks for the next 3 days.
Men with beards obsess over my name and the stories behind it.
Once I started calling him Paul B. and now I can't remember his real name.
I hate the question "What kind of things are you into? What do you like?" more than anything. And will make said conversation entirely difficult, I promise moments full of awkward silence.
I met a nice girl in Texas.
I never say nice things about other females.
I semi-snuck into two hotels and obtained free breakfast.
Abrupt dietary changes and lifestyle decisions.
Vegan.
The Atlanta aquarium has whales. I will go in the near future.
I lost the weight I gained back. Now onto the next goal.
I ate dumpstered pecan rice krispy treats.
Cont'd: I understood Freeganism.
I have a lot of tickets to pay off.
I can't drive my car, well, not very much.
I need a second job.
Money is stupid. I don't believe in it. I need some, but I don't want it.
Ireland may be a part of my life for a month or 6.
I feel a little more alive, but now I don't know what to do with it.
I still need a bicycle.