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First day back, first night out. It wasn't everything I'd hoped for. But just driving around this state felt good. It's not the most amazing place, it's not the most fun or the place I'd ever want to spend the rest of my life. But it's the place that the things that hold my heart resides. I can't help but feel good to be back. I woke up pretty late, got ready, and went up to Main Street around 7. I was going to hang out with Andrew and Zoe but a lot more people were there. I spent awhile sitting around Dunkin Donuts with those two, Kapa, Garrett, Cone, Brian, Joanna, and some other dude that I didn't know was there for a bit. I was in a pretty quiet mood, which I wasn't counting on. What I really wanted to do was see Andrew and Garrett again and run up and hug them because I never want to leave this place for so long again, but it wasn't the situation I was hoping for. Then I got my hopes all let down and continued to be pretty quiet. I have to knock myself out of this mood. I'm home, I'm with the people I love the most again, I'm happy. Walked around more with Zoe, Andrew, and Kapa and left about two hours later. I'm glad I went out, but I can't wait for the excitement to start. I'm happy to see Stace tomorrow.

Of course you, of course you, of course you.

I could say so so much about everything lately. Instead I'll say that I don't know what to make of your sudden change. This is going to be so bad for my heart.

July

July, july, july. I can't wait for July.

Nothing is good lately. Not even just because I'm here, I'm just not happy and I couldn't tell you why. I don't want this to ruin summer, I'm just hoping as soon as I get home I snap out of it, hug the ones the mean the most, and start living my life again. The amazing one I feel lucky to call my own. July and August have so much going on, I just feel this attitude I've had sucking every last bit of hope out of me. I really, really can't give in to feeling this way 24/7 again..I've already spent far too many months like that and I don't want to lose any more to it.

I just want to get home, get to Phila, hang out with Stace&Brit and that's about it. I am over absolutely everything else. My boys are the only other thing that matter, but I have to distance myself from the girls they choose to bring around. I'll still be here, I just don't want to be a part of that.

Happy Birthday Daddy, you'd be 44 today. This fucking sucks. It always sucks. It'll never be easier, in fact it's only proven to get harder. I miss you every second I live and always will.

I wouldn't be upset if a huge tidal wave devoured this entire place once I'm gone. I always feel the same, I always hate this place and these people and it makes me miserable. I can't wait to come home. If home is where your heart is, this is definitely not home.

This distance just makes me remember why I love my east coast friends even more. These people are good people, but no one's ever made me feel so loved and at home and free as everyone back there. I sit with an old best friend, someone who was once like family and it's good. But while I'm sitting here 3,000 miles from where my life now resides, I can't help but feel the connection there being so much stronger. I never knew how real a friendship could be. I see Stacy, Tyler, Andrew..all the faces I know so well run through my head. All my boys, Garrett and Bill and even the people who aren't around so much anymore. And I wonder how I ever functioned with out. It's so insane being back here, I never expected it to feel as weird as it does. But it's still nothing special to me. Although I can now see the appeal with more open eyes, it still doesn't appeal to me. I remember things always falling apart here, I remember always feeling like something important was missing, like this wasn't right, like this wasn't it. I remember sitting on my couch crying to my mom about how my friends weren't enough, how this wasn't enough. Then I got to Delaware, and all those feelings disappeared. Everything I had been searching for, I found. Everything I saw in my head that I knew was right but probably sounded completely insane, was right there in Delaware waiting. I now LIVE the life I used to dream about. It's not perfect, but when I moved that huge whole inside of me that was created by always feeling like this wasn't right for me was filled. And that's all I ever think about while I'm here, how much that meant, how much those people hold my heart, and how I could never let it go. It was the best thing that ever happened to me and always will be. I gush to my old friends about my new friends. I know they don't care, and how could they when they don't know? But I know I've never talked about them in that way. It's just hard not to smile when I'm talking about the best people I've ever met.

This wasn't even where I wanted this entry to go, I wanted to keep up to date on my trip. Maybe I'll get to that later, but I guess it's just easier to type what comes out on it's own.

It's weird being here because while this is my home, it stopped really being home almost 3 years ago and it feels weird because I've never had the urge to look back. I know where my heart is.

I am fucking done with you. And you. And everything that has to do with you. And everyone you hang out with. I don't care what I miss out on, I don't care I don't care I don't care. I'll go through life secluding myself with the 3 friends if that's what it takes to know what true friends are. I will always love you, I will always miss the past, I will always cherish the memories and best times of my life. But FUCK I just can't take shitty friends anymore. Everyday you're more self involved, everyday it's more about you. And everyone just keeps proving how lacking they are in being a good person. I really don't think it's hard. I just will never understand convenient or subjective friendships. I'm done, goodbye.