Beagle Club Way

I'm going to miss the city, I'm going to die without Stacy, but it feels REALLY good to be home.

This place is my heart, forever.

004.

A lot of things are about to change and happen, and I am truly going to attempt to keep them documented.

Moving to Philadelphia was one of the best things that happened to me, do not doubt that in a few months I will be moving into my own place once again. But for now it's time to be surrounded by those I love and just live, and live in the way I truly want. Day by day, with no real structure and on limited tools of survival. This came about much more quickly than anyone expected, but it's what I want..so who needs time to prepare.

Tonight I packed most of my apartment, and then walked around the city for a bit. I needed a box to send away the college books I'm selling and I found the perfect one just two blocks down on Chestnut, and while I was walking away with it I noticed "Scottie" was written on the side. If that's not a strange coincidence, I don't know what is. I met up with Stacy and Megan and since it was Monday we went to Rittenhouse and talked and watched Four Square. All of the sudden it hit me that having Stacy so close to me is extremely important and although I'll be back in 3 months, those 3 months are going to be very difficult, although I know I'll see her all the time. I realized this mid conversation and had to interrupt her. All I could say was "Stace..Stace...Stace" and then the tears came and I just told her I'm going to miss her. And then we both just started crying which resulted in laughing at the same time. Megan had no idea what was going on, but we did. That girl is my everything, the best friend I could ask for. I'm going to miss her so much while I'm not here.

Things would be a lot less stressful if the eviction notice had come after I got back from Florida, but that's not how things worked out, and I'm just going with it. I'm stressed out about the fact that fitting all of my belongings into my car probably isn't manageable, but if that's my biggest worry, bigger than homelessness, then I'd say I'm pretty well off. So bring on the cold nights, uncomfortable couches, and the unknown plans of each and every day. I'm so ready for this. I always knew 'normal' life wasn't my path, and I don't regret giving up on college twice now at all. I will find my way. As long as I'm happy, that's all that matters. "Quit what you don't love, live as you make it up."

Other than all of this mess, I leave early Thursday morning for Florida/The Fest 8 wit Chrystina. I'm not sure I've ever been so excited. A real road trip with just me and a good friend, visiting multiple states I've never been to, documenting the entire thing via photograph and journal, an AMAING music festival, and just the overall expiernece. We'll be back monday or tuesday, unless we decide to stay longer. She told her job she'll call and let them know when she's coming back and I have no other commitments for a few weeks. Vermont, my road trip to California, Kellie visiting, California for Christmas, and Winter Tour with Cut Short are also within the next 2 months. I am about to live exactly as I'd choose, and I didn't even consciously make the choice. Here we go, here we go, here we go..

Over and over

I want my family back. And not meaning I wish my mom and siblings weren't 3,000 miles away. I mean my real family. With a father in it. And traditions. And everything else I used to have. And I'll never get that back. Never.

I'm 19 years old..

and I have no idea how to go about pursuing someone if I like them. I'm just realizing this too..like, I've never and might not ever go after a guy first. I have always left it up to them to come to me.

Maybe this is part of the problem.

003.

I have a lot of friends. I am constantly surrounded by people and I love each and everyone of them. But there will always be those ones who are my heart strings. The only ones that truly matter when I wake up and go to sleep every day and night. And once someone is one of those people, they never really leave me. So when they have left, their absence is greatly noticed. I can never forgive or forget what was done, but I miss my friend. There is so much going on right now and I need you. This is something that happens, but I'm not sure I'll ever get over it. My heart it too involved in everything I do.

I've come to the conclusion that my feelings are always so hard to grasp because there's just always too much going on at once. The only time I'm able to really pin point anything is when I'm just calm, in some kind of "zen moment". And when I do finally grasp something, it's very quickly and easily taken away from me if I don't concentrate on it. I don't know if any of this makes sense, I just know it's really hard for me to get myself into mindsets with my own will rather than fate, or whatever else controls it.

This weekend was wonderful. I just wish I could go back to feeling that content all the time. And I wish he would stop hurting me, but I am not help in that situation at all.

"do you ever feel you were meant to be alone?"

It's so strange when lyrics that never made sense before suddenly do. I guess you truly have to feel certain emotions to be able to relate to certain words.


searching, searching, searching. not a care in the world other than living.

It gets better with time. Can I just be at that point now?

let go

Why? Why did you come into my life and fuck everything I had going for me up? More importantly, why did I let you? Even more importantly, why do I still care about you despite all these ups and downs and the horrible way you affect me. I hate how I get attached to the people in my life. Anyone who's around a lot just automatically gets a piece of my heart, and I guess this isn't always the best way to go about things. Because when people don't turn out as good as I give them credit for, I still find it hard to let them go and in return, hurt myself.

Never again and again and again

I lost every bit of feeling I've had that I was trying to hold on to, and now the only thing I feel is something all too familiar and I can't stand this at all.

002.

At the beginning of the summer I was so good at writing an entry about every day. I want to remember everything, and I let the last half of summer and the beginning of fall pass right by. I'm going to start using this more again, for more than just complaining when things are down.

I'm not sure how I'm doing right now, but I'm okay. Some times are better than others, but when they're good lately..they're REALLY good. When I'm happy, I'm so happy I could cry..and sometimes I do hahaha. Some things have brought me a little down from where I was at a few weeks ago..but I'm trying not to let them affect me and I'm trying very hard to get back to where I was. The first week of my fall break I had the absolute best mentality, and I need it back. It felt so good. I've never known such content-ness. Even if I wasn't happy, I was just content and it was amazing. I think it might of been the first time I knew what it was like to feel FREE. It's always kind of, well cool, to experience a new feeling for the first time.

At least I know I'm getting to know myself a little better again, and I love that. I remember a time when I was learning things about myself and bettering myself and I lost it and had no idea how to get it back, but I can feel it creeping around the corner and I'm in no rush, but it's good to know it's not gone forever.

School, I'm not so sure about it. I've learned some things lately that have me altering my way of life and I'm not sure if this is the path I want anymore. I do know it took moving to Philly to realize a lot of this and to be able to make these changes happening in my mind..so one again I do truly think SOME, if not all, things happen for a reason. Little hints all the time. All I know is that I have amazing times and feel like I own the city when I'm running around some good friends with no other care in the world.

This is the part where we start to feel better...

001.

Florida/Gainsville/The Fest 8 with Chrystina, Vermont with Stacy.
I'm finally getting what I wanted.
I live in the city, I have amazing friends, I would live in the seats of cars if I could.
Everything is getting so exciting.

I also think paying for food will be something of the past for me in the near future..