1m

I locked myself in the bathroom at my mom's house today, because it was the only place I could be alone here since I lack a bedroom. I felt like I needed to cry or throw up, and I wasn't leaving that room again until one or the other happened. Before I knew it my face was soaking wet. I couldn't place what this sick to my stomach feeling was, and then I realized it's homesickess. Very real homesickness that I haven't actually felt to this extreme since I was 8 years old, leaving for summer camp and the bus drove away before I got to say bye to my mom.

It can't get any worse right? I just feel lost, once again. I am lacking any sort of plan and I need one. For once I'm feeling this desperate desire to be the self suffieceint twenty year old I am and do some growing up. This doesn't mean giving anything I love up, just starting to figure things out instead of always putting it off. I'm sure I'm capable of doing that AND feigning responsibility at the same time, if anyone ever was. I'm full of ideas, but at a total loss as to how to put anything into action.


I just want to come home. Albeit I'll leave again shortly there after, but in such a different way and setting. Being in California never brings me any good. I should of known better than to leave in the first place. My instincts always tell me what's right and what's not, and I went against them because getting out of my grandma's house was right too. I will never go back there. Maybe this was right, (to get me out of a shitty house, to make me realize things) but I'd liked to have spared myself feeling like this.