no room

It's strange how this discontent comes flying back without any warning, or reason.

Drinking too much coffee, only causing my mind to race much to fast, unable to make decisions or figure out how to stop feeling so dizzy.

The overwhelming feeling of not wanting to be alone, following you around the house because the presence of another body at least calms me down slightly.

I never know what to do.

r, g

I wrote that for you.
I wrote this for you.
And I'm dying for your attention.

But at least I have the comfort that seeking someone's attention is so much easier than missing someone who broke my heart. All of the entries prior to now and after our meeting, I just don't feel them anymore. It's irrelevant.

In the words of my best friend in their last letter, "I think we're both just crazy."

That's fine with me, as long as it always gets better. For now, this is better.

<->

As indirect as that was, it's the first communication we've had since that last phone call. The one that came from a truck stop in South Carolina as I twirled around a bathroom in Philadelphia unable to sit still due to the promise in your voice that you were saving me soon. But now I feel like I can't breath.

Everything would feel better.

difference

I've realized I only really use this blog, or at least this is true to the last few months, when everything is feeling so intense that writing it in my notebook just wouldn't flow fast enough.

Rereading how I felt the majority of the summer is sad, but at least I can say I let most of those feelings pass and now I'm trying to just let everything go the way it will and be comfortable with and by myself in all aspects. I've been feeling pretty alright lately and I think I'll stay at this place for awhile if nothing better.

I'm just going to start doing things. Things, things, things. Fill all the time.

over three months

Remember laying in my bed telling me it'd only been two months and we'd be together again?
"This is my home."
I still miss you. I don't know if I was kidding myself when I said I didn't or if I've regressed.

My best guess tells me I'm a distant memory and you went to the city and home became a memory with me.

You jacket, shorts, and shoes ended up in our free pile when I couldn't look at them in the corner of my room any more. But I couldn't part with the albums you trusted to me when you left.

I still look for you sitting on the corner of Lexington and Walnut playing you banjo some nights when I'm walking around town alone.

nine

These are usually the times and situations that push me to react in the only way I know how; Running away. Sometimes my feeling to run is a good thing- "I'd rather be traveling", but in this circumstance it's only to avoid dealing with being confused and uncomfortable. I have to remember it's felt this way before, that tomorrow or a few days from now all my over thinking, over sensitivity, taking everything personal and being terrified of changes in our relationship could be completely null and void and I could have made the feeling of distance up completely. However I know the only reason I'll wait it out and see is because I have to, I can't run, I'm tied down here. If I wasn't I'd probably already be on a bus somewhere else.

slow fade

Not knowing whether to voice what I've been feeling or let it blow over.
Feeling like I still miss you and not knowing if I really miss you or if could be anyone.
But knowing if you were here it would make any of these other feelings null and void.

I just want to feel okay when I'm alone, but every time the house empties I can only handle being here for so long before it feels like I'll end up on the floor or sick.

I loved you before I ever you knew you loved me more, and I just now get it and can't comprehend it or be thankful enough and I love you more than I'll ever be able to get you to know.

Open ended

I go back and forth between writing on here, writing in my journal, and not writing at all. I think I had to take a break from everything and just let time pass before I could wake up and feel a little better, and so that's what I did, and then one day I woke up and felt a little better.

When July hit I knew it was going to get easier, and now we're coming to the end of the month and I'm okay again. Things are still up in the air all over the place, but I've started to realize I've come more into my own here and while sometimes the heartbreak stings a little I can push it away and go on.

There was one afternoon a few weeks ago, I was laying on the couch in our living room and suddenly had the thought, "I have an overwhelming feeling that it's over". While I didn't know where that feeling came from or why it was so overwhelming, who would have known I was right. And it sucks, and it's confusing, and it's going to feel like unfinished business for a very long time, but it happens.
Shitty things happen and I'm better than letting this break me again.

I've been having fun again, I've been laughing again, I've been making friends and getting to know people better. I spent my 21st birthday a few weeks ago with all people I've known less than 7 months and that night was the night that pulled me out of the horrible place I've been once and for all (at least this time around).

I went to Ohio and realized that no matter how upset I was about not being with who I orginially wanted to spend my summer with, or how my plans fell apart, or how much time I spent feeling so crazy, I was right where I was supposed to be. I wasn't meant to spend my summer in Brooklyn, I was meant to go on an impromptu trip to Ohio and see my best friends. I was meant to drink wine in that tree house, I was meant to go swimming in that lake, I was meant to get that new job and realize that there's another boy that I don't see so often that just makes me happy when he's around.

I've also realized in the last few months I've become a lot more vocal, I can speak up for myself, share my opinions and hold my own more than ever before. I'm so excited about this and I feel like it's only going to make anything coming in the future that much better. I'm figuring out even more about the things that I feel are important, the things I want to fill my life with. And I'm becoming more and more comfortable with feeling like I can talk about them being educated and eloquent enough on the matter.

We're starting some projects around here and I'm going to start only focusing on the positive things. If something doesn't work out, it doesn't matter. If someone doesn't want to be in my life, they don't matter.

I'm going to go on and try my hardest to figure out where things are supposed to go from here because obviously my ideas a few months ago weren't right. Some things that have happened this summer are going to take me a little while to get over, trust is something that I've seen get broken over and over along with my heart. But I'm in a place where I'm mentally capable of taking care of myself, I'm aware of what's rational and I can actually believe the words coming out of my mouth.

As always I have no idea what even next week is going to bring. Except for starting this new job I have no plans or even thoughts about when I'll leave again. That's a little scary but it's still warm and there's still rivers to swim in and there's still beers to drink and there's still friends to hug and like I kept telling myself even when I didn't believe it'd ever be true again "everything will always be okay."

the last time

I've done all that I can do and now it's all up to you.
I feel like I've been in this position far too many times, but this time it's a bit different. I have to remind myself of so many things, like how ugly jealousy is and no matter what you're doing I was still the girl you'd come pick up just to watch movies, who you'd lean over and kiss on the forehead in the car. And that if we had said goodbye for the summer, it'd be like this anyways.

The outcomes are clear. I'm more than aware (and how I wish I wasn't) that I'll spend my summer missing you, a little more sad in every situation than I would be if you were here. But the simple fact is that I have to deal with it, you're not here and I have to get over it- because I can't and won't know how the future is going to be when you're back, until you're back; And for all I know the time between now and then is indefinite.

I'm just waiting to be able to sleep. Waiting to be able to shut my eyes and rest easy. That can't be asking too much, I'm not asking to fall asleep smiling like I used to.

Being back in Asheville has my sense of time completely distorted. Almost six weeks have passed since those goodbye kisses on the front steps, but since I've been back I still catch myself hoping to run into you downtown when I'm walking alone; Waiting to see you with a banjo in your lap sitting on some sidewalk. I'm walking around this little city wishing I could walk to that house I was almost always sure to find you, sit down on the couch next to you and wait for a kiss and a night of Firefly. I'm waiting for you to walk in the kitchen and when I act flustered and busy, you grab my arm and pull me in to you.

I can't fall asleep because those few weeks play through my head. Going to bed in that tiny room, on that tiny twin mattress, having tickle fights like middle school crushes. The nights you'd walk an hour or more just to see me, show up drenched in sweat at midnight, all to sit with me and you didn't care if I felt like being quiet. Walking to the store, sharing forties and never ceasing to remind you that you "owe me a million". The days we'd plan the next day, adventures to take place that week and how I never stopped being surprised that you'd want to spend all your time with me. I was always waiting for you to get bored. Most of all I'm watching the rain wishing to go back to those afternoons of thunderstorms, sitting on that porch hand in hand.

It all happened too quickly and easily but I mean it more than I mean anything that this was different than ever before. The moment I saw you, the moment we were first introduced, I knew I needed to know you. And every moment after proved me right.

All those words.
All the adorable things you never ceased to say before we fell asleep.
"Can I tell you a secret?" "Yes" "It's not really a secret" "What is it!" "I think you're really cute, every thing you do is cute."
"All the sweet peas are by the highway, so I guess we can't really eat them." "No sweet peas for us ever." "Except you........ HA GOT YOU! Yes, the sweetest sweet pea of them all."

"I still don't know what it is." "What?" "That thing about you." "What are you talking about?" "There's just something about you, and I don't know what it is. But it's still there and its been there since before we even spoke. I just knew I had to get to know that girl, like I had no choice in it. And it's still there."

"Sure am gonna miss you".


I'm going to drive myself crazy, the chances are so high. But maybe I'm already there. Or maybe this is all a part of it; Getting over you without really getting over you, realizing how amazing those times were and how if it's supposed to return to the same once we're in the same place at the same time again, it will.

The fact now is that my heart is broken without you even meaning to break my heart. You're just out exploring the world and I wish it would have worked out better, or that we had met sooner and had more than a few weeks of so many good things. And now I'm just here, hoping you're having the time of your life, but anticipating your return.

My heart is far from my body. States and disconnect. I'm learning how to let go without a bad ending- I've never had to do this before, and without letting too far go. But I'm learning to do so, so that I can live my own life again, so that I can be happy with or without anyone else. I'm glad I have the summer because I feel like it's going to take that much time, if not longer. But if I can do this, if I can stop falling apart long enough to put myself back together enough to stick, then when the time comes everything will be even better than before. At least I can hope, and that's better than the sheer desperation of feeling like nothing could ever possibly be okay again- and that's a feeling I've become far too familiar with lately. I'm crawling back from rock bottom here, and I'm hardly off the ground yet. But I'm trying so hard to be done now, there's a long road waiting outside my house and a heavy door to pull open to get there first.

saddrweirdr

I can't spend my summer ending up collapsing on my hardwood floor, wine drunk and crying. I can't let this summer pass me by.

A few nights ago Amanda asked who I had been talking to on the phone earlier in the day (Melissa) and when I asked why, her response was, "Because you were laughing so hard, and it was so nice. I don't know the last time I truly heard you laugh." I realize these things, but to know they're apparent from the outside as well is just sad.

I feel like this was all so much more clear in my head, and so much more lengthy. But as most days, there's just too many thoughts to be able to get them all out clearly.

$2.31

Around 8 pm we were sitting at the top of these bleachers on a hill, watching the baseball game below. Everything felt horrible, but during that time I received a text message, from someone who's important to me despite how little of a time I've known them and how we're still figuring out how the other works as a person, and it made me feel better than anyone closer to me, myself, or my mother could. All I needed was for someone to understand how I feel about at least one aspect of all the weight of different things that I'm going through. I didn't have to say anything, she just knew. She knows my heart is broken and I think those words I read unexpectedly are going to be the beginning of the push to let go of whatever this is and know that the outcome will reveal itself eventually and there's nothing I can do about it until then; Except fight. Fight to be happy, fight to get to the place I want to be, fight to be okay no matter what happens, fight for the friendships with the people I care most about. I'm not ready yet, but eventually.

Eventually because I'm still trying to figure out how to wake up and not feel disappointed. To feel like I can fake it enough for it to become real. Later last night Sascha split a percocet with me. It scares me how good it made me feel. Just a little while ago I picked up a shirt in our laundry room that's been sitting there for a while- I was overwhelmed with his scent. There are some things I just can't handle.

1111

I've been perpetually waiting. Waiting for a phone call, waiting to feel better, waiting to know what to do. Just waiting. And now it's come to my attention that it's time to stop, but with stopping comes mending a broken heart that I didn't expect my summer to consist of. More of the time than not I feel like collapsing, like I don't even have it in me to hold myself up, like even something as simple as standing is too much.

While I watch people I care about in different places but together, having the time of their lives, I'm here unbelievably alone. Starting to think about letting go but not knowing how to even start.

I have lost absolutely everything that was once mine.

&

Silence and silence and silence and silence...

blow in

Contrary to my dramatics, I guess I can still have fun sometimes. Like last night, I made cupcakes and bummed around my house until finally Sascha asked if I wanted to make dinner. Doing things helps to ease my busy mind and I don't feel quite so horrible anymore. We made really good pasta with a sauce from scratch and walked to the corner store for beer. Around 10:30 we decided to go downtown, I was pretty indecisive but keep telling myself it's summer and I don't need to go to sleep at 11 every night. MaryClaire was over and had a bike rack so we put our bikes on it and got a ride downtown, we biked to Xylophone park but Evan and Sarah went home already but Nable called and invited us over to 40 Congress because this person Alexay's going away party. So we biked over there, and even though I'm still getting used to biking these hills I can feel myself falling head over heels for summer night bike rides. We got to Congress and I met a few new people and actually felt like talking for once. Maybe that's what I need, more new folks that I haven't fallen into a rut with that actually interest me. I met a really cool person named Caleb and he talked to me a lot. There was a keg and Sascha and I got pretty drunk. I talked to Bursts, Nable and Wednesday some too. They're all really nice people. After awhile we decided to head home and rode in the back of Nable's truck with our bikes and it was a silly ride. After we got home, Lloyd was over hanging out with Erica, and Amanda and her friend Mooj were home too. Sascha, Mooj, Amanda and I played cards/Presidents and Assholes for an hour or two and drank some more beer. I woke up this morning not feeling quite so shitty. I don't really know what to do with myself and I feel like I'm starting to forget things I don't want to forget but part of me feels like that's my only other option. If I don't see him, I have to forget him or I'll spend my whole summer holding myself back.

loosing teeth

The minute I stepped off the bus at a rest stop in Virginia and felt the South, I didn't feel better but I felt right. Who knew I'd be this much more content being back at my house. I'll be leaving again soon but I think I'll be more prepared and better off this time because while Philly made me realize I've lost a lot, it also reminded me of how much I love all that I've gained this year despite the constant struggle with finding my place within it all.

But it's a great feeling to open the door to my house and get a response I don't even get from friends back home. "HOLY SHIT YOU'RE HERE WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE I MISSED YOU SO MUCH" and the biggest hug in the world, followed by more hugs and kisses and "I really missed you"'s. I have a best friend I didn't even know 6 months ago. A boy that I was looking for for a long time who I'll see in just a few more days. Receive phone calls from people in my favorite bands asking me to set up their shows and call them back just to talk. I don't know how anything will turn out, or where anything is going but thank g-d I came back here. I wasn't sure I was ever going to see the positive ever again.

this time, this year

This time last year I had already had some of my most memorable moments of Summer 2010. This time last year I had could lay in the grass anywhere, even places I didn't entirely want to be, as long as I was with my best friends drinking icees and I could feel so free and content and happy no matter what the circumstance. This time last year I had so much to look forward to, when I already had so much.

This time this year, Summer has yet to feel like it's begun. In some senses it's felt like Summer forever, and maybe that's part of the problem; Maybe summer loses it's meaning when your life can feel like summer all the time. But it doesn't feel like it's begun in the sense where I look back and already had so many amazing experiences, it doesn't feel like I have so much too look forward to still when I don't even know what I'm doing, where I'm headed or what to expect (not in the good way). It doesn't feel like this time this year is going to compare at all to the last, even when I know those times now wouldn't mean quite as much as they did then. I guess I just expect progression in every Summer being better than the last, and maybe that's part of the problem and maybe that's just my fault. It does however feel like summer is going to end before it begins and that scares the living hell out of me.


Coming home and realizing it's not home anymore is a strange feeling to cope with and not one I usually choose to; But it's even more hard realizing the place you're more comfortable is somewhere you're hardly comfortable at all.

Where am I going?

oh you

This wasn't supposed to be how I felt here. I'm wasting the days waiting for you, because I know my happiness will reflect in your blue eyes once you're in front of me. But I don't want to rest things turning around on the dependability of someone else no matter how much better they make me feel. Yet every day you're not here is one more day it gets harder and harder. I didn't expect it to get harder, I didn't expect to feel as bad as I did months ago. I wasn't happy where I was and I'm not happy where I went, and I'm beginning to think the good moments are just and far between the majority of my life being the opposite.

I have one more try, one more attempt to find what I'm searching for. As soon as your here and you take my hand and take me somewhere I've never been before, far away from anything I could call home.

thirty-eight

I had so many things to do to prepare and finish before leaving, they're all almost done. Minus getting a sleeping bag and a few other things I'm sure I'll remember. Tomorrow I'll dig a new garden bed in the front yard, and the rest of the week I'll hang out with Sascha and Claire before saying goodbye after the Spoonboy show on Friday.

Cam's gone, but last night was pretty nice and I think that proves I'm really starting to feel better about everything. I hung out at home with Claire, David, Mary, and Amanda. I sewed and talked to David a lot. We walked to the citi stop on the tracks and bought a 12 pack and an 18 pack. David made me shot gun a beer and I haven't done that since probably last summer. We sat up talking for awhile and they invited me to ride trains with them to Arizona from New Orleans after we spend Halloween there. I didn't even express interest before hand and David told me I should come. It was really nice, they're great people.

I'm still apprehensive. I'm still nervous and anxious. I'm still doubtful of myself and what I have to offer.

But one thing is for sure, because I'm letting myself go, because I'm going to feel free again, because everything is working out so easily-

This is going to be wild.


(ps I turn 21 in just about 6 weeks)

July, July

You left about two hours ago. There's a pile of your things on my floor that you left behind and I feel like I might have to put it where I can't see it. I have to live my own life still and wade away the idea of consuming my thoughts with you, but I miss you already. Mostly from the thought of this extended period of time when I've spent every day the last few weeks holding your hand. I'm so thankful I'm leaving not far behind you and have so much to do until then because I'm not sure I know how to fall asleep without you beside me most nights. It's so strange how something can become so normal and used to so quickly. You left a sweater on the couch and as the sun starts to fall lower I put it on to keep away the cold and it smells just like you. It'll have to do for now. Those goodbye kisses meant everything, but soon I'll spend the rest of my summer with you, sleeping next to you in strangers houses, on the side of the road or anywhere else we my find ourselves. Two weeks is so much better than two months. Everything is falling into place, and as scared of this summer as I am, this has all been a long time coming. This is all makes no sense and too much sense.

See you soon.

Free free freeeeeeee!

CoP

All I keep thinking is "I found you". This is so different than anything before and all happened so easily.

Sascha feels like I'm abandoning him by leaving. I keep trying to explain that I'm leaving to do just the opposite. I'm leaving so that I can come back and not give up for the first time in my life when things aren't going exactly the way I'd like.

However in the past few days I have started to feel a little better again. Cam's leaving soon and I won't see him until I meet up with them in Philly and as much as I'm going to be a little lonely after spending most nights out of the past two weeks with him- I need that time apart to prepare. Get everything set up, finish unfinished projects and mentally get ready for the adventure, or whatever this summer is going to be.

I am apprehensive. I'm giving up the thought of a lot of other summer plans I wanted and have been looking forward to. But this is all working too easily and I think I'd regret if I passed up this opportunity.

I skipped work again today. I feel bad but I also feel like it was only a matter of time before I ran out of that momentum. My life doesn't consist of routine and it probably never will for long periods of time. I started walking there but it's cold and rainy and I justified it with the fact that I'm leaving soon and nothing will matter then, so I turned around and walked back home.

I'll be responsbility free and happy like I'm supposed to be so soon. Like I know how to be.
I can feel it starting to bubble up inside of me. It makes me nervous but I know once it bursts I'll remember everything.

august

I found you, and now you're leaving for the summer.
I want to be surprised and feel like this is unfair, but in the end I think I already knew.

I woke up to holding a hand and a kiss goodbye. I can't resist you but I'm not letting myself feel this knowing it's going to be gone so soon.

I'll wait for you, but please come soon.
Two months too long.

bp

Traveling is the one thing that's always felt like it was right for me. I live for, bask in, and long for that feeling.

To Maine.

little did you know

One thing I will always like about myself is the fact that I don't always need to be doing something exciting with a lot of people to have a good night. Last night Sascha, Cam and I were walking from downtown to Pearson trying to decide what to do with our Friday night and there was nothing going on and Sascha said "What a shitty Friday night" he took it back a minute later, but that made me remember and realize that I'm completely content not doing so much as long as I'm in good company.

I got $8 from strangers, we got more drunk and ended up watching Arrested Development at Pearson with Hayes, Mari, Downsterica and Spencer until like 1 in the morning.

Today we got a letter from our rental company that was letting us know the police notified them about those complaints a few weeks ago and that if it continues they'll file with the county to have us evicted. It was a little shocking how all of us weren't overly upset with the idea- but we acknowledged that that's only because it's so warm and the idea of not having to work and getting to leave to travel is so tempting. Cam invited me to travel to Maine with him last night and that is so tempting as well. It's a good thing we love this house so much because I know if we didn't we'd all give into that all too familiar urge to take off in a heart beat.

Things are pretty swell again, however I'm starting to do that thing that I do when I get what I want and then question whether I really want it, I can't let this go that easily though so I'm going to ignore it and be happy I have someone that kisses me on the head before they leave.

alias

I didn't know what I needed to feel better yesterday, but when you came out onto the steps and sat with me, when you stayed home to make dinner with me, when you sat on my bed and we shared a beer and cigarettes and you held my hand and told me that you really, really care about me and really meant it when you said you feel like I'm your sister, I realized that's what I needed. I needed you and I'm so glad I have you.

001.

You know things have changed when I can get dropped off at a show by myself, meet up with some people I know, get myself really drunk, dance a little and find myself a ride home. Although the thought of ever leaving Asheville and starting over new again, or what could possibly be in the future, is entirely overwhelming and not something I'd like to do again any time soon or even think about, at least now I really know what I already knew; I'll be okay wherever I go, these things always just take time.

Last night I sat on the front steps, drank a beer and sewed until around ten when Amanda and Claire were ready to go, we got more beer and headed downtown. They were going to a show at Broadway's and I forgot it was going to be 21+ (ugh, two and a half months!) so I asked them to drop me off at the Vacation house show. I got there and felt strangely comfortable being alone; I don't know whether that was because I knew Sascha, Madeline and Chase were inside or not. I peed in some random persons yard and opened my other beer. I saw Vacation's last two songs and ran into Madeline and hung out with her for awhile outside. Sascha finally came out and was surprised to see me. He traded me some whisky for some beer and disappeared. I spent most of the night talking to Madeline on the back steps. I danced a lot to Nude Beach who just totally sound like Brooklyn, and they passed around a bottle of whisky and some nice guy made sure I got it (thanks dude!). After their set I tried to bum a cigarette off of someone since I left mine in Amanda's car and he made me roll it myself and I actually did it and it was smokeable! I asked Chase for a ride home and so did some other random guy so we took him home and he kissed us all goodbye which was weird and I think I told everyone his name was Aaron but I think everyone I met last night was named Aaron. I got home and was a lot more drunk than I realized. I woke up to Marcel and Outlaw on the couch which is weird too.

Getting to hang out with Madeline last night was really nice since she never comes over. We're still a little awkward when we talk but she's one of my favorite people. Other than that: getting a message from Cam on facebook made all my fears of things being different when he gets back fade, Claire and I are healthy eating and I'm doing a little better every day and I'm going to be serious for once. I'm done letting bad self/body image get in the way of my life; And while I could just accept how I am, I can also change it and that's what'll make me happier so that's what I'm doing. Yesterday I went on a really long bike ride alone and I swear the adrenaline high lasted all day; I just felt good.

Life life life life.

rva

The minute we got back on the highway I couldn't speak.
I still can't.
This weekend I remembered what it's like to feel comfortable and I almost wish I hadn't. That's not true, Richmond and Stay Sweet was nothing less than wonderful but I guess it ended far too soon and now I'm waiting to leave again and I know that's backtracking from where I was before I left, when I didn't even want to leave.

It doesn't help the person that was drawing me back here isn't here.
I have to remember how much I loved Asheville a few days ago, because right now I can't stop comparing it to how I felt this weekend and how much that feels like my life and the one I'm always looking for when it's not around.

just do it

Ironically (and annoying) I'm back here because right after my previous post I lost my new journal. I plan on getting a new one as soon as possible and replicating the old. There's always so many things I want to write down and I need to be able to write them in that moment so they're real and don't slip away. (I also need to stop having any possesions on me while drunk because things just keep disappearing).

Lately nights are so fun, mornings are a bit quiet and awkward- but a little less every time. And even so, I'm used to this awkward, I've learned to live and function with this awkward, maybe even learned to be happy with this awkward. Yesterday I walked to work and couldn't stop smiling. It's a really great feeling to be in love with your life..and I'm so in love with my life, and a little more so every day.

I've been living in these shorts and every so often Claire says "Tesla you've gotten so tan". Today I woke up and didn't put make up on and cut the sleeves off a cardigan and it feels even more like summer, and subsiquently I feel even more like myself than I thought I could again.

024

When I was in Boston, on the last day, I thought I was losing my mind a little bit. I had to spend a few hours alone to stop feeling so overwhelmed and try and fix myself. During that time I bought myself a new journal, with hard covers and more sturdiness and permanence than a flimsy college ruled paper notebook. I really needed it, and now I'm even more disassociated with the internet.

Lately I've been kissing a new boy and drinking entire days away, I've worked doubles at work and made new friends- or at least had a few friendly conversations. I wake up wondering what happened last night and laugh out loud in awkward situations when I suddenly think of something I forgot I did or said. We're having 5 shows at our house this month and our vegetables are growing like crazy. One horrible roommate is gone, and a nice one took his spot. In less than two weeks I'll be in Richmond and I'm really excited to travel alone again. My life is summer and it's going to be summer forever.

See you soon.

For Sure.

Tonight I was given a tattoo on the top of my left hand thumb. It's three lines, all different sizes, done by all different people. The tattoo is also a symbol for traveling. There's a select few good friends around Asheville that have the same tattoo and Sascha kept bringing up wanting to give it to me. Tonight Claire and Cam were here too and okayed the idea and each of them gave me a line. I know I'm still not as close to any of them as they are to each other, but this felt like a way of telling me 'this is your home, we like having you here'. They like me enough to tell me in the form of accepting me into their tight knit circle that it's okay I'm around. No matter what happens, Asheville is always going to have been a part of my life and I'm okay with that fact.

I literally have the life I've wanted and dreamed about for so long in so many ways, I'm just not living it out as fully as I could be. I'm working on changing that.
But the truth is: yesterday I rode my bike to the store with Sascha, yesterday I planted seeds working on our garden in the back, last night we got fortys and walked the tracks for awhile eventually just sitting on them talking watching the Asheville sky burn away colors, tonight we made tempeh and ate in our front yard, i sat in the front yard thinking about how strange it is to be used to being around people you're still getting to know constantly and how used to it I truly am, tonight a boy that gives me butterflies is sleeping on the couch in my living room and I can't say anyones done that in a long time. I'm still reserved, I still don't know how to make small talk and become close with people- but I'm getting used to my life here. My life here is becoming my life, and no longer feels temporary. What I'm saying is I have all these things I've wanted, they're all mine.

And for the most part, I'm okay with that. I don't know where else I'd be or go anyways, and all the signs point to everything I've loved the past few years coming together in the forms of my life here. Sometimes so much it's eerie.

Things could be better, but they could be a lot worse too. They can also only get better with time, or so I can hope, and I have no reason not to try.

5%

Screaming Nana Grizol lyrics and wrestling on my queen size mattress with Sascha, Claire and Judah. Drunkenly riding my bike to the gas station at 11 pm for more beer. Driving to West Asheville at 1 am and picking up more people than should ever fit into a car and smoking secret cigarettes. Looking at the Asheville show calendar and seeing them refer to us as the South AVL house. Realizing we're leaving very, very soon.

Last night Sascha and Claire were talking about how they could see themselves wanting to re-new the lease when it's up in January. I didn't say anything, but obviously that is the most interesting thing to see for me when the time comes- am I going to stay here? Where else would I go? My best friends won't be in Philadelphia anymore and anywhere else would be a new beginning too and am I going to want to try that all again? It's a very long time away and summer is going to change so much. Only time will tell but it's a little intriguing and a little scary to not even remotely know where my life will be headed when that time comes.

Day by day, I guess. That's all I can do right now. And I while I'm waiting to see what happens, it's even more strange to not know what I'd even want to outcome to be.

I can feel myself changing but I don't feel in control over it at all- does that make it more or less natural?

"Reach out and the love returned will be stunning."
Lose all reservations.

dirty

One day maybe I'll stop feeling so fucking weird all of the time. Or maybe I'll just finally have control over my own emotions and actions. Maybe one day I'll have things that are interesting to say. Last week I felt so in friendship love with you and now it's like we're back to weeks and weeks ago where I never know what's okay or how you feel that day.

I jumped on my first moving train today, playing around the yard with Sascha and Claire. It feels so right and so wrong all at once. Where did the person I liked to be go?

fingers

Last night was weird. I can't think of a better or different way to describe it because it wasn't good and it and wasn't bad. I came home with presents- stolen gardeing books and new cookbooks with Edamame recipes (because our freezer is still full of them), and came home to dinner already done. It's really cute living with good people all the time; people I cook dinner for and people who cook vegan meals when I'm not even home so that I can eat when I am, people who call to see where I am when they don't know what I'm up to. A little later Sascha road their bike (in the snow! why was it snowing and why is there now snow stuck to the ground in the backyard out my window?!) to the liquor store and came home with whiskey. Claire, Aaron and Sascha sat around playing Johnny Hobo songs and other things on the guitar, ukulele and banjo for awhile while I sat there reading a zine. I keep buying Doris zines and they keep ending up too strangely relevant. Eventually Claire and I SORT of made Hot Toddies and eventually friends showed up; First Dave and Mica, then Judah, Dan, Bender and Evan. We all sat around for awhile and I was a little drunk but not drunk enough and then we piled into two cars and went to see Jesse and Will's band play in West Asheville. They're called Young Mountain and I'm pretty sure they also played Pearson House the first night I went out/over there/to a house show in Asheville. They're super, super good and exactly my taste when it comes to experimental indie music- the remind me of a band that'd play in Newark though and once again I'm going to repeat that I shouldn't drink whiskey, it just makes me sad. I got in a sort of bad mood and met a girl named Paris and felt uncomfortable because she was wearing a mink around her neck. Eventually we left and Sascha knew I was unhappy and wrote "I <3 Tes" on the snow accumulated on the back of Dave's car. It helped a little but I couldn't help but think about the friends far away that actually call me Tes on the drive home while I starred out the window at the old buildings on my favorite street and drive through Asheville. We got home and Sascha tackled me onto the chair and wouldn't let me get up til I cheered up, he told everyone that I was his girlfriend and Claire told him he was a shameless flirt- honey, you have no idea. I walked in the kitchen and asked if there was enough whiskey left for me to have any because unfortunately I knew the only way to cheer myself up was to get more drunk, and Sascha told me the rest was mine. I finished it and then had 5 shots of Judah's tequila. I got super drunk and Sascha got naked and I had a conversation with Sinclaire and Judah about identifying as queer and after telling them how much I don't identify as straight it was basically decided that queer would and does define how I feel, I'm glad that talk happened.

Now it's 10 am and I'm still a little tipsy. With shaky hands I need to send a few text messages and get ready for work. It's funny, I can kiss one person last night and wake up and turn on mix made by someone I wish was by my side right now. Everything is so backwards from the way I always thought it would be. I never know how I feel but I always know I feel so much. There's money in my bank account and tonight I'll buy some beer and try and fit in here, but tomorrow I'll use that same money to buy a few bus tickets to places where people I actually fit with live and wonder if that boy I kissed last night will be enough to make me want to come back when I leave.

it's been awhile

I don't want to say I need to find myself. I don't want to be a cliche early twenty-something searching for my identity. Even if I did feel that way, I think I'm a lot better off than some people who don't know who they are, what they like, what they want, etc. I feel like I know, for the most part, what I'm about; What's important to me, what I like, what I want to hold close, what I want to surround and involve myself with. But I don't entirely know how to get there. So it's not finding myself really, it's finding a way to be that person- how to fully feel like the person I think I am. Well, maybe that is finding yourself. I think I just feel like I've already covered half of the steps to getting there. I know who I am, I just have to find out how to be that person. I don't have to figure out who the person I'm looking for is first. I know what I care about and what I want to learn more about. I know how I want to feel, I just don't know how to feel it.

What I do know is that I want to feel comfortable, I want to feel fun, I want to not be confused when he doesn't give me as much attention as he did they day before- and more than not being confused, I don't want it to even faze me, don't want to be capable of even noticing or being aware of any difference. I want to feel free and I want to feel like I make a difference in the people's lives who I'm around, whether by their choice or by association. I want to be incapable of feeling jealousy or longing, I want to be completely okay with being just myself, just me, whatever my life is going to consist of that day and not what I'm missing out on or what other people are doing that I wish I could be too.

I feel like I could want a whole lot more. My dreams and goals and wants could be a lot more difficult to grasp (mentally and physically). As always, everything I think about and reach for is based around how it feels; everything with me is always a feeling (my goals consist of wanting to feel a certain way, to be completely and utterly happy [and to be that happy, I need to feel all of these things at once, that is the definition of happiness for the person I am] rather than goals like becoming a lawyer or owning a house- in fact I don't think they could be further from that). I could have high set standards for myself and life that seem ridiculous, but I don't think I do. I think everything I want is relatively simple, I just don't know how to get to the place they are- or even back to the place that was closer than where I am now. I don't know where to start, but I am going to start to look a lot harder. I guess that's really all there is to do, especially now when I need it more than ever.


- - - - - - - - - -
I woke up naked next to you this morning thinking two things, whether we had found waldo on the last page of Wheres Waldo? the night before drunk on the couch at a house show after the last band played, and wanting to listen to the Taxpayers. I don't know what changed, but I'm feeling better again. My thoughts aren't consumed by what our situation and relationship is, or how at home I don't feel here so much anymore. I'm a little happy, a little content. I can go out and buy myself a forty and talk to some strangers, I can dance around work only thinking about my life at that present moment and nothing else. Maybe I just have no control over my emotions changing from day to day, or maybe it really helped hearing you tell me you loved me and all your friends love me as I laid in your arms a few nights ago. I'm still figuring out my relationship with you (my first polyamorous partner), I'm still figuring out how to talk to my co workers and how small talk even works, I'm still figuring out how to feel comfortable in my own body and I'm still figuring out where I fit here. But at least Im figuring it out, or have the motivation to do so again- and it helps knowing you're there if I need someone to hold my hand; whether it be able to walk into the store, to have the courage to dance to a band in some smoky basement or under the covers when we come home at night just to feel you there. I can't thank you enough for being the best garlic loving, purple haired sweetie in my life.

empty bottles in the corner

I moved to the South and found out I'm not a whiskey drinker. I always heard about people who became sad when they drank, saw other friends get drunk and end up in tears and always wondered how it was possible; I was thankful I never got upset from intoxication intensifying negative feelings. But then one January night, just this past January, I drank a few beers and followed it with whiskey and soon enough found myself in my room leaving a long message on my best friend's voicemail in tears. Last weekend I had a pretty good night at a few parties, drunk of course; but unfortunately on beer and whiskey. It was a fun night but eventually things died down and a lot of close friends started dancing around the living room and I stood to the side and watched. Marissa tried to invite me in but I just wasn't quite drunk enough anymore to not feel like an awkward, weird mess if I tried moving my body to any music other than a foot tap or head nod to some shitty bands playing in a basement (my social anxieties have taken ahold of my life more than they have in years lately). However I was still drunk enough to almost end up in tears from that moment on- through the dancing, goodbyes and the car ride home; Because all I could think about was missing my best friends, how out of place I realized I felt. Every time I swallow some Kentucky Gentlemen I feel more alone than ever. How am I supposed to be a Southerner now if I can't drink whiskey without thinking about the North?

Tambourine

Waking up sick to my stomach, it almost feels like last Spring all over again. That is not something I can even remotely handle and I just need a little consistency.

I want to leave. I always want to leave. Just for a few days this time but I don't know how to clear my head when you're the only one I have around.

005.

Hearing Sascha tell someone else that I basically threw myself into a whole new world really made me feel better, I'm not totally alone because he gets it; He knows my every day life is very new and it's sweet when he refers to people as "our friends".

I do like my North Carolina life, I keep saying this over and over but that's because I guess there's not much else to talk about or that outweighs the immense feelings all of this overwhelms me with.

It's easier every time I go out and hang out with these new "friends", some days it takes more out of me..but now I actually WANT to be there, want to hang out rather than pushing myself into it out of necessity rather than interest. However it's been so hard pushing myself that I've become very dependent on the idea of not being sober. But when does dependency become an issue or negative factor? Because I'm not physically dependent on anything, I don't need anything to get by or through the day. I need it on a mental level, if I'm drunk or have some sort of mind altering substance in me- I like myself more. I can go out and have fun and not feel awkward or uncomfortable. I could be doing the same exact thing I would be sober, but I feel okay and it washes over all the fear or feelings I want so badly to avoid.
I don't think I'll always need something. I do think eventually these people will feel like my friends and not just a nice idea coming out of my housemate's mouth. But I guess while I've always enjoyed drinking, etc etc I never had this undeniable urge to always feel like drinking and the fact that I don't want to go out or do anything if I don't have some way of getting ahold of something to put myself under the influence of and avoid feeling bad.

Saturday was super fun though. Which is nice to say after my most about Friday night. I spent most of the day trying to decide if I would be able to make myself go hang out and eventually I did. I did too much of something, but it helped me feel alright with having a really long night. After wandering around for most of the day I met back up with Sascha at Izzy's since some of his friends from Knoxville were there. They gave us a ride back home, we made dinner and eventually he went back downtown to go to the bar with Eva and some others for her 21st, I made plans to meet up with them about 2 hours later since Eva had told me the night before to come hang out on her birthday. Around 9:45 I met them, Dan, Judah, Joey and Otto at the Barcade and soon we all piled in Dan's car to head to a metal show in the Experimental Forrest. None of us really had any idea where we were going or what was actually going on, we just knew we were supposed to park kind of far away and then walk into the woods. We got up by UNCA, parked and then walking like 3/4 of a mile into the woods. Eventually we started seeing candles everywhere and eventually it led to more candles and people sitting around on logs in a big circle filled with candles. We were there for probably 2 hours and finally the black metal band played acoustic. We only stayed for one song because it was getting really really cold and late and Eva wanted to go do more things for her birthday. We walked out of the woods and went back to Houston house and drank whiskey. The rest of the night was filled with weird dance parties in houses filled with green lights, freezing riding in the back of trucks, being more drunk than I realized and coming home to cuddles and falling in love with your hair.

"I love the way you smell, it's so comforting."

169

Tonight my housemate called me a "lame-o" when I decided to leave a show/party less than an hour after I got there and after they even found me a ride home so I wouldn't have to catch the last bus at 10. I left and they're right, I am lame for it.

Every time I leave I cross my fingers I didn't just miss my last chance.

004.

I'm so busy working or having fun now that I don't really have the time to take anything in. I know that if I did the only way to describe any part of my life these days would be "overwhelming". I'm happy but there's still a lot of thinking to do. I miss having my close friends around but I know I'm supposed to be doing all of this on my own. So that's life.

so social

cinnamon applesauce

I don't know how to keep this up without wanting you next to me every night. I'm scared of the mess this could create; if anything in my mind. I want to be able to just let go and whatever happens whenever it happens is just what happens. But I like kissing you way too much. There's no telling where this is going, will go or if it's going anywhere.

I really have to let go of every thought revolving around you and ignore those butterflies in my stomach I didn't expect. Save them only for those moments when you're laying on the edge of my bed and I'm sitting in the corner and we're telling stories and you're telling me I smell like cinnamon applesauce for the millionth time before you ask if you can kiss me and the rest of the room melts a little when you start inching closer and I'm unaware I'm even still mumbling whatever I was saying.

What I do know is that however messy this feels or could get, I know I'm right where I should be. I know it because nothing else could be right at this time in my life compared to sitting in this warm weather in our front yard, listening to music I haven't been able to listen to in months, sewing and drinking coffee; mountains in the distance and you napping on the blanket beside me after just getting home from work.

Scared, uncomfortable, curious, questioning..

But happy. Repeat, repeat, repeat.

Montana

Last night might have been the best night of 2011 so far. The show didn't start until almost ten and round 9 Sascha and I went over to the neighbors house to tell them about the noise (we had never met them before, let alone really seen them and we actually thought they were old people- we were totally wrong) and their response was so great, "You don't have to worry about us. Be as loud as you want." Best new show house in Asheville?

Old Fling played first and they were super good. I stood around drinking my forty and dancing on the couch. I finally met the infamous Matt Evans and after sobering up I came to realize when he asked me, "Can I put up a flyer on your door?" it was actually code for, "Can I put up flyers all over your house?" Not that I mind, it was just funny to even walk into the garage and see one on the door out there too. They covered 'Hey Jealousy' last and that was a lot of fun, started my dancing around the living room.

Ardilla, Melody and I hid in my room for awhile talking. I think it's so funny out of any of the people I knew about in the whole Kentucky crowd they're the last ones I think I'd be friends with that I'm not already. But they're great.

The Taxpayers played second and although they didn't play that many songs I wanted to hear/knew, it was still sososo much fun. Having the show at MY house where I don't have to go anywhere, feel awkward, pay, get to make a million new friends and then can go to bed minutes later might be my new favorite thing. I feel kind of silly gushing about it but it's new to me. That whole band is so, so nice (which gives me hope for Portland!). Danielle is the sweetest. Melody and I, and then Ardilla and Joey all slow danced together to their second to last song.

After their set I just kind of wanted to hang out, not be sweaty anymore, observe. So I talked to some people and stood to the side being happy. Sascha came and kissed me on the cheek and that whole situation is weird and lovely all at once. We both had drank a forty but weren't drunk compared to usual at all.

Popes played last and they were fun. They covered a Cure song. Eventually things started to dwindle down and I headed to bed since I have work at ten. I said bye to everyone, and goodnight to the kids staying over after I collected all the blankets I could find.

Then I kissed someone. I've never kissed anyone first before.

My life is taking so many turns for great things, or at least just continuing to surprise me like usual.

More cute text messages from another boy far away has my heart in so many places though.

Cute

The weirdest realization is "going home" is going back to Asheville. This is my home now and it's interesting how those things have to sink in.
I live in the South, my whole life is changing- I guess this is what I wanted though.

003.

The sole reason I would ever rely on drinking for anything, would be the ability to say what I need to say (without hiding through a text message or some other form of communication that's not face to face) without feeling awkward or weird or over think it. When I'm not sober it just comes out easier and works. Hopefully it doesn't embarrass me but even then at least you have an excuse that you were drunk- but then still, AT LEAST, you got it off your chest. And that always feels better.

This situation is uncomfortable. I hate, absolutely hate, not knowing where I stand with someone; And then you find yourself questioning whether the pros are worth it or if the cons are too much to handle and you'd rather hit edit-> revert to original and let the new additions go.

I like that we can cuddle in the car, I like that I feel more comfortable and closer in some ways- but I don't know what the limits are. We agreed we'd do the things we did drunk sober as well- so does that mean we want to? But when? And how would we ever talk about it without a little alcohol in us?

I don't want to think about this. I know these aren't true feelings, but it's something. I guess it's a relationship I've never had before and the fact that I truly like kissing you doesn't help. Because drop everything else, that fact doesn't change. I really like kissing you and it makes me think about it and thinking has never got me anywhere but sick.

It's strange though, because although I've always liked little kisses and kissing was a nice thing, I never loved kissing anyone. I never stopped and thought, wow I love kissing you; But with you it's different and it's making me crave your attention because I don't want this to just fade and I don't want to become uncomfortably uncomfortable.

Enough of that, the weekend started out when I came home from work on Friday around 7. I made cupcakes, Sascha and I walked to the corner store for 40s and around 9 some friends came over. I helped Eva, Marissa and Sascha make his cookies and then played cards/Presidents with Dan, Evan, Derek and Liz. Those are the people I feel like I've been around the least but I think they're my favorites. More people came over and eventually Toby called me to ask where to buy beer and that they'd be over soon. The show started around midnight and Joey played a Bruce Springsteen cover set on Mandolin, that was a lot of fun..a lot of sing a longs and some meows. Then Eric played (and by then I was very, very drunk and Sascha too) and he played Instant Gratification like I asked him to, that was so great. Toby played and it was fun- people sitting all around my living room until 3 am. I met a bunch of people, some other absolutely ridiculous things happened and I woke up at 7:30 am to Chase standing in my room, which was weird. I slowly got ready to go and eventually everyone (Madeline, Eric, Toby, Jake and Joey) else got up except for Sascha. It took three different tries and a lot of sleep talking (tell me when you're getting the money, i'm walking to the bus, but Sergio left..) before he finally got coherent enough to get ready and get in the car. We left finally around 8:30 and headed for Kentucky for Crucial Quiet Fest and Sascha was still drunk for like 3 more hours.

Sascha, Joey, Madeline, Chase and myself crammed in Chase's car and we got to Berea, KY a little before 1. Sascha and I went for a walk and talked about some of the ridiculous things that happened a few hours prior and ended up walking a few different places for awhile. At one point while wandering around the city of Berea Sascha said, "I forgot how much I love being somewhere I don't know, a new city" and he nailed it. I couldn't believe how good it felt starring out the windows at the mountains in Tennessee with no responsibility other than to have fun. We got back to the Black Feather and I saw Anthony and Alexis. I watched Sarah Silantro's set. I think I wandered around for most of the first half of the fest, sometimes talking to people, sitting around with Sascha and feeling really weird and really great at the same time. Watching the sets in between all that of course. I really loved everyone who played, even the ones who I don't normally (or haven't previously) liked recorded. American War was especially lovely. I talked to the other Tesla for awhile, it was kind of sad when I kept hearing "Tes!" and turning around and remembering there's no one that calls me that within miles and miles. I actually formally met Ardilla and she's a lot better than I previously thought (her and Melody are actually coming to hang out in Asheville tomorrow). Saw Dakota, of course as well. I'll always disappoint myself when it comes to certain people though, I guess. However now I know I didn't have anything to be upset about.

When the first half ended around 5, Sascha, Chase and me went in search of a grocery store for some free food (which never got eaten until like midnight since we got yelled at for having it later). When the second half of the fest started, I felt a lot more comfortable. I think it's because the initial part of the fest (any fest) takes some soaking in, getting into the mindset for what's typically a weekend full of fun. That's when I realized by the time I was finally all in, ready to go, it'd be over and time to fall asleep and then wake up to head back to Asheville.

Bands started playing around 7 and I wandered around some more. Dylan Sizemore was great, so was Kyle Hall. I can't get over him being 15. He's a super sweet kid and I think I want him to be my little brother. Everyone was so sleepy the whole day, it was kind of weird actually; Crucial sleepy fest? Eventually more and more people played and slowly (very slowly) it was time to say goodbye. I hate it. So much. One day fests are absolutely horrible as of now. Dakota was the hardest because he one person there I actually wish I got to spend more time with (generally), but the Wild headed back for Atlanta that same night. Eventually we (and like 25 other people) went back to the house (Anthony, Alexis, Melody and Lauren's place) to stay the night. I sat around Alexis' room with her and Madeline talking and eating carrots for awhile- there's not much to say about the rest of the night, I was tired and bumming myself out because I didn't have it in me to socialize and instead silently pined away for someone's attention. Slept on the hardwood floor with just an extra blanket, Sascha's coat and my feet on top of his through his sleeping bag. After going to bed early, everyone was up by 9. I put Sascha's coat on and ate watermelon and silently watched. I wrote Alexis a note and got ready to go, and eventually so did everyone else. The goodbyes seriously hurt, even with people I'm not close with. Eric Ayotte actually gave me a hug and told me it was nice meeting me, Toby reached up from the ground and squeezed my hand, Anthony said my arrival was a pleasant surprise and I just hugged Alexis forever.
We left around 10:30 and headed back to North Carolina.

On the way home, about half way, we stopped in Knoxville, Tennessee for vegan pizza and got it for carry out and sat in the grass outside eating. Madeline and I shared a pizza and we took group pictures. We dropped Joey off at some random place on the highway -i also forgot to mention when we stopped and picked up a dead raccoon for him- and Madeline and I sang cute songs in the back seat the rest of the way to Asheville. Being home with no plans after a trip is such an awkward time, I didn't know what to do with myself so I just laid in my head for awhile and twenty minutes later I got a text message that made everything feel a little okay "So good to see you yesterday!" Do you have any idea how much I needed that, and only from you?

The rest of the night I did some dishes, ate some left over soup and Sascha and I "rented" a movie on itunes. Now I'm sitting in my room wishing I had the guts and right moment to say what I want to say, and thinking about the things I have to do tomorrow that I really don't want to do tomorrow and how the Taxpayers are playing at my house.

Always the unexpected.

Never a dull moment. Yet some how, still so typical. I wonder what my heart is going to do this weekend. I'm way too in tune with the way things feel to ever detach myself completely. At least I have comfort in it always "meaning" something, or at least being something real.

002.

Everything has been working out so perfectly it seems like it can't be merely coincidence. I have so many of the things I've been reaching for for so long. But it doesn't stop me from still asking myself what I'm doing. I don't know what I'm doing here.

I don't know what I'm doing.

I think half (if not more) of my sadness comes from the fact that I don't think I've ever missed anything for so long the way I miss last summer. I think I always anticipate summer and warm months, but the amount I want to text a close friend saying “I miss summer” seems way too often and redudant because they know I miss summer. I just can't get over it. Things are good, but they're not as good as they were a few months ago when I was more free than I had ever previously known and I'm not sure I can stop pining away for that feeling until I reach it again. Until then I'll never be completely content, I won't be sure of my actions, I won't know what I'm doing, I'll have fun but not as much fun as I could be having. Is the winter supposed to make you feel this horrible 80% of the time?

I've been dreaming of the desert.

001.

Things are really good. I really like how things are going and how things have been lately. I like my job, I like the people I've met, have been meeting and around me (well mostly, housemate #2 couldn't be more on my nerves), I like the things I've been doing and have been involved in and futures plans are super exciting.

What isn't good is how I feel about myself. I can't stand myself lately. I can't stand how I look or how I act.
Nothing is going to be very great until I figure out how to fix this. Body issues are out the roof, and I avoid social situations because I bum myself out and one affects the other in a never ending cycle. I don't know what to do. I don't even know how to word this so it doesn't sound totally pathetic.

003.

Sundays have become a strange day, I used to hate them and now we have a relationship I'm not sure how I feel about. Since there's no buses, I don't have a bike and it's still too chilly to really want to walk to and from downtown- one of two things happens; Either we end up stuck at home all day, only going out to maybe walk to the store and basically focusing the whole day around making a great breakfast and dinner and being lazy OR something is going on somewhere and someone has to come pick us up and we're out all day and stuck there until someone brings us home. My relationship with these situations is weird because while there's rarely a time one of our options isn't fun, I'm not the kind of person that likes being stuck anywhere, specifically in the second situation where I can't get home if I want to.

Anyways, yesterday actually turned out pretty good. Everyone here sleeps in so super late, so I woke up around 1 and Sascha was making pancakes. I showed him how good I was at making perfect ones, and then we made coffee and sat outside since it was super nice out again. We were out there for a few hours, talking about all our plans for the house and making it great (tire swings, gardening, etc). Eventually Otto came over and got Sascha and they went and got a whole bunch of furniture from someone's house that was moving out. Almost everything we've gotten for our house has been free, which rules and our living room is finally shaping up. Otto lives at Houston (Eva, Joey and Heather's house too) and since it was so great outside they were having a cook out. Sascha has asked me if I wanted to go and I kind of avoided the question- I WANT to go out and have fun and make friends, but I feel like I'm already stuck in a certain personality when around those people and even though I really like them I just get bummed out when I show up and sit around quietly. But when they got back from getting the furniture, Sascha said “Eva wants you to come to the cook out” and then I felt pretty obligated, so I reluctantly went. (He showed me the text later that actually did say just, “Bring Tesla”. Which makes me feel like at least one person is interested in giving me a million chances to get to know me. Eva's a quiet person too and I think it'll take a while but hopefully we're friends one day.) We showed up and sat in the sun in the driveway for awhile, and then Sascha, Nick and I went on a beer run. We took Otto's truck so I sat in the back/bed and was super excited about it. We came home, sat around and there was about 13 people there cooking burgers. I ate a veggie burger and observed for awhile, and eventually it got dark and we turned the makeshift bbq into a fire. I moved my seat over by Sascha, progressively got more silly and just hung out with everyone talking until around ten. If I'm just always drunk around those people, eventually I won't be quiet and awkward anymore. It was a good night, and it's definitely nice to always be out hanging out even when my actions say other words. I was just thinking about how silly it is that I already constantly have plans and if I had moved in any other place, I'd probably be lonlier than ever and sitting struggling and wondering how to meet anyone. I guess that just goes down with how easily everything here fell together and how much of a coincidence it couldn't be.

Otto brought Sascha and I home, it felt so much later than ten since we started drinking around 6 (and something tells me that might be decribing my summer in detail). We organized the furniture in the living room, Sascha showed me pictures on his computer from years ago and we smashed the stereo in the street outside because it didn't work anymore. I didn't feel drunk at that point....but looking back we must have been. However that was totally the highlight of my night, I bet it's still everywhere outside- our wall and hilly front yard were just too perfect for throwing and smashing things.

001001

For some reason I favor writing to a person versus about a person. Where if I'm thinking about someone I write my blog to them rather than talk about them, I'm not sure why and I think I'm only mentioning it and starting this entry talking about it because it's something I just realized and started to do with this entry and realized I didn't want to. Because the things I have to say aren't actually to the person that started all these thoughts, I don't need to write anything to them because I don't have a relationship with them anymore where I'd ever say those things to them and I don't have anything that needs to be said so I won't write this to them.

However I still think about them from time to time, I wish I could pinpoint a reason for that- maybe you always think every so often about someone if they had any kind of major impact in your life no matter how long they were actually around, how close you were, etc. Today was one of those days that I thought about this person again, and it felt different yet familiar. Different because it felt, well, different, than it has in a long time. Familiar because I've felt it before- just not in a long time. I couldn't figure out why I suddenly felt that way, because I don't miss him. I don't care about what he's doing, I don't care if he's happy, I don't care about anything that happened. What I do miss are those feelings. I miss how I felt when I did care if he was happy, when I did care what he was doing. I miss being overwhelmingly happy just from seeing someone's name pop up on my phone or hearing about their day. I miss sleeping in someone's arms who I truly care about and being in moments where nothing but that moment mattered. I miss how it felt walking down the boardwalk hand in hand in his pocket, I miss that feeling- not the person. And today I felt that missing feeling for the first time in awhile, and realized the date. January 27th; exactly a year ago to the moment of the realization I was in his kitchen making vegan pancakes for the first time. January 27th; exactly a year ago the morning after our first sleep over at his house at the Jersey Shore, the night after he came to see me for the first time after we disclosed our secret crushes, and driving home thinking “how did I get so lucky?” as 'Jersey Shore' by The Promise Ring came on shuffle on my Ipod. And after re-feeling these moments for the first time in quite some time I found myself wondering if things would have turned out differently if things had continued to feel the way they did those first few nights and weeks. If the initial heart flutters and skipped beats had continued- where would I be right now? When I think about where I am now, I think about the other places I've seen myself- like a little house in New Brunswick with a boy I could have fallen in love with. Would I be happy? Would it have been worth it to miss out on everything else I've learned, wanted and experienced since then? Would I have a ring on my finger? (Scary.)

The answer is that it wasn't meant to be. Those things weren't meant to happen because what happened after that is what was meant to happen- I have to, and DO, believe that. It's the never ending topic of whether or not that type of fate exists, maybe fate isn't the actual word for how it's applied in my life but there's so denying it sometimes. I think getting my heart broken by the first person I cared that much about was what needed to happen to make me fall in love with my best friend(s) instead and have the best summer of my life and begin to grow into the person I've become and am continuing to become. That being said, if I believe that theory then I suppose being in Asheville is where I'm supposed to be and I can see that but I don't have a total opinion on it yet. What I do know is that one year ago I was driving from Forked River, New Jersey to Middletown, Delaware rereading a text that said “Don't think for a minute I wanted you to go. This has potential. We have potential.” and planning out a life with a boy in my head and now here I am, laying in the dark in my bedroom in Asheville, North Carolina after the first show at my house. A polar opposite to anything I saw myself doing January 27th of 2010.

If someone told me a year ago tonight I'd be sitting in my living room full of people I didn't know existed a year ago, let alone a few weeks ago, I don't think I would have believed it'd happen. At the time it was something I wanted, something I saw in my head but didn't know how to make it a reality and instead was willing to try and convince myself maybe that was all it was ever going to be- something in my head, and instead was ready to give it all up for some other silly person. Obviously those thoughts of “do I give it all up?” “but don't I feel a connection to these things for a reason” and those bad dreams I remember all too clearly “don't give up the things you want” weren't just thoughts, but truth. Because that person that was making my question myself left my life as quickly as they entered, but all those things I once wanted, I still want; And now either have or am closer than ever to having.

Tonight about 15 people sat around my living room. Kylewilliam aka imadethismistake played, as well as Madeline Ava. After the short, but nice, show everyone headed over to Houston for another show but I decided to stay home. At first this was soley based on the fact that I didn't have money for a 40 but now I think I made the right choice. I spent most of the night talking to kw and Shaun about a million things and couldn't stop thinking about how in early 2009 when I first started getting into the diy punk community, or at least acknowledging it as something different that just liking music, shows and my friends' bands, I remember coming across a band called imadethismistake somewhere. Never ever would I have thought a year and a half or so later he'd be sitting in my living room in North Carolina talking about his friend Pat (the bunny) and forcing me to text Dakota to ask if I could ride with them down to a Fest in Florida in late February and then watching The Social Network.

To anyone else reading this, it's probably not even in the least bit interesting but I don't think my own life will ever cease to surprise me. I spend most of my time trying to wrap my head around the way everything always comes together but how I never once expected it to or pick out certain things and think “this will be something bigger one day”, or at least not all the time. I can't count anymore the amount of times I've sat here and typed about how I “never would have expected” something.

Edgewood

I haven't beat myself up this much in a long time. Last night too way too much out of me and now I'm skipping out on other social opportunities because I woke up even more sad than I fell asleep. I thought for sure I'd sleep it off and now I know that wasn't enough and I have to find some other remedy and I don't know where to begin.

I miss you more than you know and I can't stop saying it in my head. Maybe it's just my personality, but maybe it also proves that I really need you because when things are hard I can feel you as my rock, my dependability miles and miles away. For someone like me, putting myself through creating a whole new life is a lot harder than for some others and even when I'm having fun I miss you by my side, my comfort zone next to me. I'm honestly considering going to get a cat tomorrow, way too prematurely, because I just need something to feel something close, something to depend on without any other aspects affecting it.

I know if it was warm outside everything would be a lot more okay.
Snap out of it.

002.

As cheesy as it may sound, there is a big part of me that feels like everything that's happened the past few years was leading up to Asheville. Every new friendship I made, every new band I found, every new fact that drew me closer and closer to the community I identify with now helped change me a litle day after day to turn me into the person I am now and finally find what I was looking for when it was finally the right time.

I have my own little punk house. My own little punk house where my housemates and I walk to the store, buy all the ingredients for vegan chili, come home and cook together and watch Xfiles and Hey Arnold on netflix, and drink tea all night.

I need a job more than anything, a few days this week left me feeling way too stressed out. I think we're all JUST BARELY going to be able to scrape by with February's rent and will have jobs for sure by March (since I've been told my anyone that March starts tourist season and then suddenly everyone's hiring). I also have a tough text message conversation with Stacy that just added to the stress. I don't know what I want to do about that friendship, or if I want to do anything at all. For now I'm just focusing on Asheville and if I feel really strongly about it again, maybe I'll finish the letter I started writing to her. But right now it's not a priority, unfortunately.

Yesterday was one of the greatest days I've had yet down here. Wednesday night a bunch of people were over, and Sascha and I were sitting on the couch (after deciding to go to Boston in March! Since Joey is going too! Seriously so excited to see so many people.) and decided to wake up super early and go get things to make for breakfast. Our pancakes were an absolutely disaster, I think because gluten-free cooking isn't so easy- the flour doesn't really stick together. They were ugly and more like pancake pieces (we even baked some of the batter and had a pancake cookie) but still tasted great; which I think is what really counts! We're going to perfect vegan gluten-free EVERYTHING. By the time everything was said and done we caught the 3:15 bus to downtown and hung out at Firestorm for awhile. Ron sat with us and invited us to dubstep night tonight- I'm not even going to go into detail about that. We all split up after awhile and I went grocery shopping (which might be one of my favorite things in the world) and came home alone for awhile and tried to take the bus 3 times to meet back up with Sascha to go to a house show in Montford. The third time I got to the bus stop, it was already almost ten and a taxi was just leaving my street. He stopped and asked if I was headed downtown and I said I had no money and he said "It's fine! No charge!" Of course I was a little skeptical, and Melissa was on the phone saying "TESLA. NO. DO NOT GET IN." But he was a little old man and was kind of insistent and said he did this about once a night. He told me where not to go to get stabbed and told me he used to drive trucks; but hey it was a free cab ride! He dropped me off by the transit center and I walked to the Green House just in time to hear a band that sounded like Green Day. I hung out with Sascha and saw Big Eyes AND THEY WERE SO FUCKING GOOD. We left after their set because we found a ride home from Maryn but she was leaving then. I'm so glad I went to the show, it was nice going out for the first time other than over to Houston House or having folks over here.

I'm still the new girl and it's strange that Sascha really is my closest friend here and I haven't even know them for two months yet. A few years ago I couldn't have handled being this "on my own" but it's almost second nature now- I'm glad I've thrown myself into situations alone so many times before; especially this past summer. It's also easier when people, for some reason, have actually been making an effort to at least be nice to me. Before Joey left on Wednesday night he asked for my number and then called me so I had his and told me to call him if I ever wanted to do something and then Eva asked for my number too. We're going over to Houston House on Monday night to make a big vegan dinner with all of them too!

As much as sometimes I think there's flaws and negative points to how much I focus things around how they feel and feelings- I knew heading South felt right, I knew the people here felt like people worth knowing, and I knew there was something right about how they just feel like better people; And they just keep proving me right. Even if I'm never close with anyone, I think they're still more worth knowing distantly than a lot of people I used to call close back "home".

001.

Got way too drunk last night, I even threw up in my room; I don't think I've thrown up since high school. I sort of hate when I get super drunk and know everyone else isn't nearly as drunk as I am (especially since when you're drunk-everyone else is drunk too), everyone was super friendly when they left though so I GUESS I didn't do/say/act any embarrassing/annoying way. I think my favorite part of the night might have even been when Eva was leaving and they came up to me to say bye, asked to give me a hug and said "Maybe we can actually talk sometime soon!"

The party started out small, but by 11-midnight there was 20-25 people in our small wood-pannelled living room, sitting on our new sofa and chair, admiring our two new lamps that fit said walls all too well.
I had a really good time, and even when I was awkwardly sitting alone it was fun just observing.

Everyone seems so nice and, even though I called my best friend crying and left a message saying who knows what and got up at least 5 times through out the night to fuck with the circuit breaker since the heater in my room kept turning off, last night turned out really fun and I wouldn't complain if these people became the every day figures and friends in my life.

"with every drink of beer, with every tear, i swear to be sincere"

couches

We're having a party at our house tonight. Sascha is sending out a mass text to a bunch of Asheville friends inviting them over. I think it's so strange how I can be excited for fun yet so very anxious and nervous about feeling awkward. I think it helps a lot that it's at MY house, instead of going to a party somewhere else I don't know anybody, but it doesn't change that until everyone's drunk and friendly I'll stand to the side comprehensive, watchful and unknowing of what to do or say.

We're also having our first show in less than two week (on the 27th)! I've been learning what feels like a lot about the kids around Asheville and it's unfortunate that our turn out won't be everything it could this time, but I'm excited nonetheless. It'll probably be even more awkward than the party but I think in that kind of situation I can turn on hospitality mode feign normality.

I've been typing up a really long entry full of great things and strange things but it doesn't feel complete because I'm still feeling out so much. I'll post it eventually.

Other than that, I'm happy but just stressed about January slipping more and more away and needing to get that phone call offering my a job rather soon. I also miss my best friends but for the first time in a long time I know I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be and I haven't felt that since summer or in a sense of "home" in even longer.

snow days

Tonight my roommates and I (mates because Aaron is living here until at least March) drank some Whiskey and sat around the living room talking about anarchism and our beliefs, society and so many things inbetween. I just want to write/type down that this is the reason that I moved on. These are the reasons I love my community so much and finally feel I found friends and a place I fit. This is what I've been looking for, this is where I want to be. This is what I've been waiting for my entire life, what I've been working up towards.

A's

If growing up means finally understanding feelings you've always felt and finally having them manifest in and turn into things you truly care and feel passionate about; then I really, really love growing up.

That, or I'm really going to love my twenties. My only regret is not feeling these things sooner- that it took me until now to find who I am, turning what I've always loved into a lifestyle and not just interests and finally finding the community I feel I belong in. I still feel like somewhat of a stranger, but at least I'm home now and hopefully I'll settle in eventually. Regardless of how I feel, I couldn't be more thankful for the warm welcome and acceptance. Maybe that means my ideas and thoughts are being taken seriously for the first time in my life, that the members of this home see my true intentions and accept them and myself.

I'm sorry it took me until 19 to start realizing these feelings, acknowledging that they meant something. No feelings are just feelings, no feeling should go ignored. I'm sorry that it took me until 20 to then grasp and take action upon them. I'm sorry I didn't start learning these things when I was much younger, and get involved more soon but I don't feel like resources became available to me until later and as soon as they did I started to realize what exactly is important to me and how I want to live my life; and at least I'm here now.

I'm still learning. I'm grasping more and more of this every day. And for the first time in my life, I feel like I'm learning things actually worth learning. Something I never felt during my entirely time in the public education system. I'm feeling something I never felt before. I'm reading and finishing my piece of literature feeling accomplished and leaving it brighter than I was before, more of a person, more of a better whole person. I'm still learning, and I hope that's ok. I hope you'll still stand with me in solidarity even when I have to do a little more research still to fully understand something that's newer to me than you, I hope you'll understand that my heart and mind are in the right places and at the very least I'm on the right track. I'm headed in the direction I was always meant to, it just took me a few detours to make it here.

0906

Knowing that I have to stand by my decision, knowing that I need to stay mad at you, knowing you've proved you're not the best friend over and over and that you're out of chances, knowing that I know all of this but am still going to miss you, is the hardest thing I've ever going to have to remember.

What a sad first post of 2011. To counter that, in all honesty the first few nights of the year couldn't have felt more "right".