02.

The amount I have to say seems to lessen as the air around me grows colder and I want to stay inside, keep to myself and push everything away. It already feels too much like winter and all I want is sunshine. Laying in the grass of some random state in my shorts and no shoes, but right now I have to figure out how to start a whole new life without blocking out the rest of the world instead like I would normally do when it gets cold. I'm absolutely terrified to go somewhere new, alone while it's cold. I need to be completely happy and content to make it work, and it's going to take so much effort to be in that place when I'm walking through a new city unable to feel my fingers and toes. I need someone, and I know who I want it to be. I hate that I feel like I need someone there to make it worth it. Someone to fill me with a little happiness. I've always said you don't find happiness in the forms of someone else, and if you do, then it's always going to suck when you're alone. But it's different with him. I don't want him to be my happiness, I just feel like I'll be so much more capable of this all if he's in my life. I put my heart in the mail, we'll see where things go.

But this fact is in general too. Not necessarily that I need someone, but just that I feel like if and when I do, there's an empty space where they belong. There's a difference between listening and genuinely caring. I've recently realized there's no one I completely trust. I don't trust that anyone I know wouldn't do something to benefit themselves regardless of if it's effect on me negatively. Even the people that are supposed to be closest to me are feeling strange and I don't like it at all, they're there but only to a certain extent. I'm falling apart and they're uninterested. There's this wall that goes up between us from time to time and I don't know how to break it down, other than just waiting for it to happen on it's own. It hurts my head.

As it goes every winter, I just want to cut myself off from everything and everyone. But this time it's different, this time it's time to leave and not just temporarily. I need to say goodbye to the mid atlantic and these people who make my heart hurt for quite some time. And if this really is home, then I'll be back. But for now it doesn't really feel like mine anymore and I'm going to search for that sense of home I remember so distantly; no matter how lonely and cold it gets. It's the only solution left I can think of to get this constant sick to my stomach state to fade.