Sundays have become a strange day, I used to hate them and now we have a relationship I'm not sure how I feel about. Since there's no buses, I don't have a bike and it's still too chilly to really want to walk to and from downtown- one of two things happens; Either we end up stuck at home all day, only going out to maybe walk to the store and basically focusing the whole day around making a great breakfast and dinner and being lazy OR something is going on somewhere and someone has to come pick us up and we're out all day and stuck there until someone brings us home. My relationship with these situations is weird because while there's rarely a time one of our options isn't fun, I'm not the kind of person that likes being stuck anywhere, specifically in the second situation where I can't get home if I want to.
Anyways, yesterday actually turned out pretty good. Everyone here sleeps in so super late, so I woke up around 1 and Sascha was making pancakes. I showed him how good I was at making perfect ones, and then we made coffee and sat outside since it was super nice out again. We were out there for a few hours, talking about all our plans for the house and making it great (tire swings, gardening, etc). Eventually Otto came over and got Sascha and they went and got a whole bunch of furniture from someone's house that was moving out. Almost everything we've gotten for our house has been free, which rules and our living room is finally shaping up. Otto lives at Houston (Eva, Joey and Heather's house too) and since it was so great outside they were having a cook out. Sascha has asked me if I wanted to go and I kind of avoided the question- I WANT to go out and have fun and make friends, but I feel like I'm already stuck in a certain personality when around those people and even though I really like them I just get bummed out when I show up and sit around quietly. But when they got back from getting the furniture, Sascha said “Eva wants you to come to the cook out” and then I felt pretty obligated, so I reluctantly went. (He showed me the text later that actually did say just, “Bring Tesla”. Which makes me feel like at least one person is interested in giving me a million chances to get to know me. Eva's a quiet person too and I think it'll take a while but hopefully we're friends one day.) We showed up and sat in the sun in the driveway for awhile, and then Sascha, Nick and I went on a beer run. We took Otto's truck so I sat in the back/bed and was super excited about it. We came home, sat around and there was about 13 people there cooking burgers. I ate a veggie burger and observed for awhile, and eventually it got dark and we turned the makeshift bbq into a fire. I moved my seat over by Sascha, progressively got more silly and just hung out with everyone talking until around ten. If I'm just always drunk around those people, eventually I won't be quiet and awkward anymore. It was a good night, and it's definitely nice to always be out hanging out even when my actions say other words. I was just thinking about how silly it is that I already constantly have plans and if I had moved in any other place, I'd probably be lonlier than ever and sitting struggling and wondering how to meet anyone. I guess that just goes down with how easily everything here fell together and how much of a coincidence it couldn't be.
Otto brought Sascha and I home, it felt so much later than ten since we started drinking around 6 (and something tells me that might be decribing my summer in detail). We organized the furniture in the living room, Sascha showed me pictures on his computer from years ago and we smashed the stereo in the street outside because it didn't work anymore. I didn't feel drunk at that point....but looking back we must have been. However that was totally the highlight of my night, I bet it's still everywhere outside- our wall and hilly front yard were just too perfect for throwing and smashing things.
Monday, January 31, 2011
Friday, January 28, 2011
001001
For some reason I favor writing to a person versus about a person. Where if I'm thinking about someone I write my blog to them rather than talk about them, I'm not sure why and I think I'm only mentioning it and starting this entry talking about it because it's something I just realized and started to do with this entry and realized I didn't want to. Because the things I have to say aren't actually to the person that started all these thoughts, I don't need to write anything to them because I don't have a relationship with them anymore where I'd ever say those things to them and I don't have anything that needs to be said so I won't write this to them.
However I still think about them from time to time, I wish I could pinpoint a reason for that- maybe you always think every so often about someone if they had any kind of major impact in your life no matter how long they were actually around, how close you were, etc. Today was one of those days that I thought about this person again, and it felt different yet familiar. Different because it felt, well, different, than it has in a long time. Familiar because I've felt it before- just not in a long time. I couldn't figure out why I suddenly felt that way, because I don't miss him. I don't care about what he's doing, I don't care if he's happy, I don't care about anything that happened. What I do miss are those feelings. I miss how I felt when I did care if he was happy, when I did care what he was doing. I miss being overwhelmingly happy just from seeing someone's name pop up on my phone or hearing about their day. I miss sleeping in someone's arms who I truly care about and being in moments where nothing but that moment mattered. I miss how it felt walking down the boardwalk hand in hand in his pocket, I miss that feeling- not the person. And today I felt that missing feeling for the first time in awhile, and realized the date. January 27th; exactly a year ago to the moment of the realization I was in his kitchen making vegan pancakes for the first time. January 27th; exactly a year ago the morning after our first sleep over at his house at the Jersey Shore, the night after he came to see me for the first time after we disclosed our secret crushes, and driving home thinking “how did I get so lucky?” as 'Jersey Shore' by The Promise Ring came on shuffle on my Ipod. And after re-feeling these moments for the first time in quite some time I found myself wondering if things would have turned out differently if things had continued to feel the way they did those first few nights and weeks. If the initial heart flutters and skipped beats had continued- where would I be right now? When I think about where I am now, I think about the other places I've seen myself- like a little house in New Brunswick with a boy I could have fallen in love with. Would I be happy? Would it have been worth it to miss out on everything else I've learned, wanted and experienced since then? Would I have a ring on my finger? (Scary.)
The answer is that it wasn't meant to be. Those things weren't meant to happen because what happened after that is what was meant to happen- I have to, and DO, believe that. It's the never ending topic of whether or not that type of fate exists, maybe fate isn't the actual word for how it's applied in my life but there's so denying it sometimes. I think getting my heart broken by the first person I cared that much about was what needed to happen to make me fall in love with my best friend(s) instead and have the best summer of my life and begin to grow into the person I've become and am continuing to become. That being said, if I believe that theory then I suppose being in Asheville is where I'm supposed to be and I can see that but I don't have a total opinion on it yet. What I do know is that one year ago I was driving from Forked River, New Jersey to Middletown, Delaware rereading a text that said “Don't think for a minute I wanted you to go. This has potential. We have potential.” and planning out a life with a boy in my head and now here I am, laying in the dark in my bedroom in Asheville, North Carolina after the first show at my house. A polar opposite to anything I saw myself doing January 27th of 2010.
If someone told me a year ago tonight I'd be sitting in my living room full of people I didn't know existed a year ago, let alone a few weeks ago, I don't think I would have believed it'd happen. At the time it was something I wanted, something I saw in my head but didn't know how to make it a reality and instead was willing to try and convince myself maybe that was all it was ever going to be- something in my head, and instead was ready to give it all up for some other silly person. Obviously those thoughts of “do I give it all up?” “but don't I feel a connection to these things for a reason” and those bad dreams I remember all too clearly “don't give up the things you want” weren't just thoughts, but truth. Because that person that was making my question myself left my life as quickly as they entered, but all those things I once wanted, I still want; And now either have or am closer than ever to having.
Tonight about 15 people sat around my living room. Kylewilliam aka imadethismistake played, as well as Madeline Ava. After the short, but nice, show everyone headed over to Houston for another show but I decided to stay home. At first this was soley based on the fact that I didn't have money for a 40 but now I think I made the right choice. I spent most of the night talking to kw and Shaun about a million things and couldn't stop thinking about how in early 2009 when I first started getting into the diy punk community, or at least acknowledging it as something different that just liking music, shows and my friends' bands, I remember coming across a band called imadethismistake somewhere. Never ever would I have thought a year and a half or so later he'd be sitting in my living room in North Carolina talking about his friend Pat (the bunny) and forcing me to text Dakota to ask if I could ride with them down to a Fest in Florida in late February and then watching The Social Network.
To anyone else reading this, it's probably not even in the least bit interesting but I don't think my own life will ever cease to surprise me. I spend most of my time trying to wrap my head around the way everything always comes together but how I never once expected it to or pick out certain things and think “this will be something bigger one day”, or at least not all the time. I can't count anymore the amount of times I've sat here and typed about how I “never would have expected” something.
However I still think about them from time to time, I wish I could pinpoint a reason for that- maybe you always think every so often about someone if they had any kind of major impact in your life no matter how long they were actually around, how close you were, etc. Today was one of those days that I thought about this person again, and it felt different yet familiar. Different because it felt, well, different, than it has in a long time. Familiar because I've felt it before- just not in a long time. I couldn't figure out why I suddenly felt that way, because I don't miss him. I don't care about what he's doing, I don't care if he's happy, I don't care about anything that happened. What I do miss are those feelings. I miss how I felt when I did care if he was happy, when I did care what he was doing. I miss being overwhelmingly happy just from seeing someone's name pop up on my phone or hearing about their day. I miss sleeping in someone's arms who I truly care about and being in moments where nothing but that moment mattered. I miss how it felt walking down the boardwalk hand in hand in his pocket, I miss that feeling- not the person. And today I felt that missing feeling for the first time in awhile, and realized the date. January 27th; exactly a year ago to the moment of the realization I was in his kitchen making vegan pancakes for the first time. January 27th; exactly a year ago the morning after our first sleep over at his house at the Jersey Shore, the night after he came to see me for the first time after we disclosed our secret crushes, and driving home thinking “how did I get so lucky?” as 'Jersey Shore' by The Promise Ring came on shuffle on my Ipod. And after re-feeling these moments for the first time in quite some time I found myself wondering if things would have turned out differently if things had continued to feel the way they did those first few nights and weeks. If the initial heart flutters and skipped beats had continued- where would I be right now? When I think about where I am now, I think about the other places I've seen myself- like a little house in New Brunswick with a boy I could have fallen in love with. Would I be happy? Would it have been worth it to miss out on everything else I've learned, wanted and experienced since then? Would I have a ring on my finger? (Scary.)
The answer is that it wasn't meant to be. Those things weren't meant to happen because what happened after that is what was meant to happen- I have to, and DO, believe that. It's the never ending topic of whether or not that type of fate exists, maybe fate isn't the actual word for how it's applied in my life but there's so denying it sometimes. I think getting my heart broken by the first person I cared that much about was what needed to happen to make me fall in love with my best friend(s) instead and have the best summer of my life and begin to grow into the person I've become and am continuing to become. That being said, if I believe that theory then I suppose being in Asheville is where I'm supposed to be and I can see that but I don't have a total opinion on it yet. What I do know is that one year ago I was driving from Forked River, New Jersey to Middletown, Delaware rereading a text that said “Don't think for a minute I wanted you to go. This has potential. We have potential.” and planning out a life with a boy in my head and now here I am, laying in the dark in my bedroom in Asheville, North Carolina after the first show at my house. A polar opposite to anything I saw myself doing January 27th of 2010.
If someone told me a year ago tonight I'd be sitting in my living room full of people I didn't know existed a year ago, let alone a few weeks ago, I don't think I would have believed it'd happen. At the time it was something I wanted, something I saw in my head but didn't know how to make it a reality and instead was willing to try and convince myself maybe that was all it was ever going to be- something in my head, and instead was ready to give it all up for some other silly person. Obviously those thoughts of “do I give it all up?” “but don't I feel a connection to these things for a reason” and those bad dreams I remember all too clearly “don't give up the things you want” weren't just thoughts, but truth. Because that person that was making my question myself left my life as quickly as they entered, but all those things I once wanted, I still want; And now either have or am closer than ever to having.
Tonight about 15 people sat around my living room. Kylewilliam aka imadethismistake played, as well as Madeline Ava. After the short, but nice, show everyone headed over to Houston for another show but I decided to stay home. At first this was soley based on the fact that I didn't have money for a 40 but now I think I made the right choice. I spent most of the night talking to kw and Shaun about a million things and couldn't stop thinking about how in early 2009 when I first started getting into the diy punk community, or at least acknowledging it as something different that just liking music, shows and my friends' bands, I remember coming across a band called imadethismistake somewhere. Never ever would I have thought a year and a half or so later he'd be sitting in my living room in North Carolina talking about his friend Pat (the bunny) and forcing me to text Dakota to ask if I could ride with them down to a Fest in Florida in late February and then watching The Social Network.
To anyone else reading this, it's probably not even in the least bit interesting but I don't think my own life will ever cease to surprise me. I spend most of my time trying to wrap my head around the way everything always comes together but how I never once expected it to or pick out certain things and think “this will be something bigger one day”, or at least not all the time. I can't count anymore the amount of times I've sat here and typed about how I “never would have expected” something.
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Edgewood
I haven't beat myself up this much in a long time. Last night too way too much out of me and now I'm skipping out on other social opportunities because I woke up even more sad than I fell asleep. I thought for sure I'd sleep it off and now I know that wasn't enough and I have to find some other remedy and I don't know where to begin.
I miss you more than you know and I can't stop saying it in my head. Maybe it's just my personality, but maybe it also proves that I really need you because when things are hard I can feel you as my rock, my dependability miles and miles away. For someone like me, putting myself through creating a whole new life is a lot harder than for some others and even when I'm having fun I miss you by my side, my comfort zone next to me. I'm honestly considering going to get a cat tomorrow, way too prematurely, because I just need something to feel something close, something to depend on without any other aspects affecting it.
I know if it was warm outside everything would be a lot more okay.
Snap out of it.
I miss you more than you know and I can't stop saying it in my head. Maybe it's just my personality, but maybe it also proves that I really need you because when things are hard I can feel you as my rock, my dependability miles and miles away. For someone like me, putting myself through creating a whole new life is a lot harder than for some others and even when I'm having fun I miss you by my side, my comfort zone next to me. I'm honestly considering going to get a cat tomorrow, way too prematurely, because I just need something to feel something close, something to depend on without any other aspects affecting it.
I know if it was warm outside everything would be a lot more okay.
Snap out of it.
Friday, January 21, 2011
002.
As cheesy as it may sound, there is a big part of me that feels like everything that's happened the past few years was leading up to Asheville. Every new friendship I made, every new band I found, every new fact that drew me closer and closer to the community I identify with now helped change me a litle day after day to turn me into the person I am now and finally find what I was looking for when it was finally the right time.
I have my own little punk house. My own little punk house where my housemates and I walk to the store, buy all the ingredients for vegan chili, come home and cook together and watch Xfiles and Hey Arnold on netflix, and drink tea all night.
I need a job more than anything, a few days this week left me feeling way too stressed out. I think we're all JUST BARELY going to be able to scrape by with February's rent and will have jobs for sure by March (since I've been told my anyone that March starts tourist season and then suddenly everyone's hiring). I also have a tough text message conversation with Stacy that just added to the stress. I don't know what I want to do about that friendship, or if I want to do anything at all. For now I'm just focusing on Asheville and if I feel really strongly about it again, maybe I'll finish the letter I started writing to her. But right now it's not a priority, unfortunately.
Yesterday was one of the greatest days I've had yet down here. Wednesday night a bunch of people were over, and Sascha and I were sitting on the couch (after deciding to go to Boston in March! Since Joey is going too! Seriously so excited to see so many people.) and decided to wake up super early and go get things to make for breakfast. Our pancakes were an absolutely disaster, I think because gluten-free cooking isn't so easy- the flour doesn't really stick together. They were ugly and more like pancake pieces (we even baked some of the batter and had a pancake cookie) but still tasted great; which I think is what really counts! We're going to perfect vegan gluten-free EVERYTHING. By the time everything was said and done we caught the 3:15 bus to downtown and hung out at Firestorm for awhile. Ron sat with us and invited us to dubstep night tonight- I'm not even going to go into detail about that. We all split up after awhile and I went grocery shopping (which might be one of my favorite things in the world) and came home alone for awhile and tried to take the bus 3 times to meet back up with Sascha to go to a house show in Montford. The third time I got to the bus stop, it was already almost ten and a taxi was just leaving my street. He stopped and asked if I was headed downtown and I said I had no money and he said "It's fine! No charge!" Of course I was a little skeptical, and Melissa was on the phone saying "TESLA. NO. DO NOT GET IN." But he was a little old man and was kind of insistent and said he did this about once a night. He told me where not to go to get stabbed and told me he used to drive trucks; but hey it was a free cab ride! He dropped me off by the transit center and I walked to the Green House just in time to hear a band that sounded like Green Day. I hung out with Sascha and saw Big Eyes AND THEY WERE SO FUCKING GOOD. We left after their set because we found a ride home from Maryn but she was leaving then. I'm so glad I went to the show, it was nice going out for the first time other than over to Houston House or having folks over here.
I'm still the new girl and it's strange that Sascha really is my closest friend here and I haven't even know them for two months yet. A few years ago I couldn't have handled being this "on my own" but it's almost second nature now- I'm glad I've thrown myself into situations alone so many times before; especially this past summer. It's also easier when people, for some reason, have actually been making an effort to at least be nice to me. Before Joey left on Wednesday night he asked for my number and then called me so I had his and told me to call him if I ever wanted to do something and then Eva asked for my number too. We're going over to Houston House on Monday night to make a big vegan dinner with all of them too!
As much as sometimes I think there's flaws and negative points to how much I focus things around how they feel and feelings- I knew heading South felt right, I knew the people here felt like people worth knowing, and I knew there was something right about how they just feel like better people; And they just keep proving me right. Even if I'm never close with anyone, I think they're still more worth knowing distantly than a lot of people I used to call close back "home".
I have my own little punk house. My own little punk house where my housemates and I walk to the store, buy all the ingredients for vegan chili, come home and cook together and watch Xfiles and Hey Arnold on netflix, and drink tea all night.
I need a job more than anything, a few days this week left me feeling way too stressed out. I think we're all JUST BARELY going to be able to scrape by with February's rent and will have jobs for sure by March (since I've been told my anyone that March starts tourist season and then suddenly everyone's hiring). I also have a tough text message conversation with Stacy that just added to the stress. I don't know what I want to do about that friendship, or if I want to do anything at all. For now I'm just focusing on Asheville and if I feel really strongly about it again, maybe I'll finish the letter I started writing to her. But right now it's not a priority, unfortunately.
Yesterday was one of the greatest days I've had yet down here. Wednesday night a bunch of people were over, and Sascha and I were sitting on the couch (after deciding to go to Boston in March! Since Joey is going too! Seriously so excited to see so many people.) and decided to wake up super early and go get things to make for breakfast. Our pancakes were an absolutely disaster, I think because gluten-free cooking isn't so easy- the flour doesn't really stick together. They were ugly and more like pancake pieces (we even baked some of the batter and had a pancake cookie) but still tasted great; which I think is what really counts! We're going to perfect vegan gluten-free EVERYTHING. By the time everything was said and done we caught the 3:15 bus to downtown and hung out at Firestorm for awhile. Ron sat with us and invited us to dubstep night tonight- I'm not even going to go into detail about that. We all split up after awhile and I went grocery shopping (which might be one of my favorite things in the world) and came home alone for awhile and tried to take the bus 3 times to meet back up with Sascha to go to a house show in Montford. The third time I got to the bus stop, it was already almost ten and a taxi was just leaving my street. He stopped and asked if I was headed downtown and I said I had no money and he said "It's fine! No charge!" Of course I was a little skeptical, and Melissa was on the phone saying "TESLA. NO. DO NOT GET IN." But he was a little old man and was kind of insistent and said he did this about once a night. He told me where not to go to get stabbed and told me he used to drive trucks; but hey it was a free cab ride! He dropped me off by the transit center and I walked to the Green House just in time to hear a band that sounded like Green Day. I hung out with Sascha and saw Big Eyes AND THEY WERE SO FUCKING GOOD. We left after their set because we found a ride home from Maryn but she was leaving then. I'm so glad I went to the show, it was nice going out for the first time other than over to Houston House or having folks over here.
I'm still the new girl and it's strange that Sascha really is my closest friend here and I haven't even know them for two months yet. A few years ago I couldn't have handled being this "on my own" but it's almost second nature now- I'm glad I've thrown myself into situations alone so many times before; especially this past summer. It's also easier when people, for some reason, have actually been making an effort to at least be nice to me. Before Joey left on Wednesday night he asked for my number and then called me so I had his and told me to call him if I ever wanted to do something and then Eva asked for my number too. We're going over to Houston House on Monday night to make a big vegan dinner with all of them too!
As much as sometimes I think there's flaws and negative points to how much I focus things around how they feel and feelings- I knew heading South felt right, I knew the people here felt like people worth knowing, and I knew there was something right about how they just feel like better people; And they just keep proving me right. Even if I'm never close with anyone, I think they're still more worth knowing distantly than a lot of people I used to call close back "home".
Sunday, January 16, 2011
001.
Got way too drunk last night, I even threw up in my room; I don't think I've thrown up since high school. I sort of hate when I get super drunk and know everyone else isn't nearly as drunk as I am (especially since when you're drunk-everyone else is drunk too), everyone was super friendly when they left though so I GUESS I didn't do/say/act any embarrassing/annoying way. I think my favorite part of the night might have even been when Eva was leaving and they came up to me to say bye, asked to give me a hug and said "Maybe we can actually talk sometime soon!"
The party started out small, but by 11-midnight there was 20-25 people in our small wood-pannelled living room, sitting on our new sofa and chair, admiring our two new lamps that fit said walls all too well.
I had a really good time, and even when I was awkwardly sitting alone it was fun just observing.
Everyone seems so nice and, even though I called my best friend crying and left a message saying who knows what and got up at least 5 times through out the night to fuck with the circuit breaker since the heater in my room kept turning off, last night turned out really fun and I wouldn't complain if these people became the every day figures and friends in my life.
"with every drink of beer, with every tear, i swear to be sincere"
The party started out small, but by 11-midnight there was 20-25 people in our small wood-pannelled living room, sitting on our new sofa and chair, admiring our two new lamps that fit said walls all too well.
I had a really good time, and even when I was awkwardly sitting alone it was fun just observing.
Everyone seems so nice and, even though I called my best friend crying and left a message saying who knows what and got up at least 5 times through out the night to fuck with the circuit breaker since the heater in my room kept turning off, last night turned out really fun and I wouldn't complain if these people became the every day figures and friends in my life.
"with every drink of beer, with every tear, i swear to be sincere"
Saturday, January 15, 2011
couches
We're having a party at our house tonight. Sascha is sending out a mass text to a bunch of Asheville friends inviting them over. I think it's so strange how I can be excited for fun yet so very anxious and nervous about feeling awkward. I think it helps a lot that it's at MY house, instead of going to a party somewhere else I don't know anybody, but it doesn't change that until everyone's drunk and friendly I'll stand to the side comprehensive, watchful and unknowing of what to do or say.
We're also having our first show in less than two week (on the 27th)! I've been learning what feels like a lot about the kids around Asheville and it's unfortunate that our turn out won't be everything it could this time, but I'm excited nonetheless. It'll probably be even more awkward than the party but I think in that kind of situation I can turn on hospitality mode feign normality.
I've been typing up a really long entry full of great things and strange things but it doesn't feel complete because I'm still feeling out so much. I'll post it eventually.
Other than that, I'm happy but just stressed about January slipping more and more away and needing to get that phone call offering my a job rather soon. I also miss my best friends but for the first time in a long time I know I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be and I haven't felt that since summer or in a sense of "home" in even longer.
We're also having our first show in less than two week (on the 27th)! I've been learning what feels like a lot about the kids around Asheville and it's unfortunate that our turn out won't be everything it could this time, but I'm excited nonetheless. It'll probably be even more awkward than the party but I think in that kind of situation I can turn on hospitality mode feign normality.
I've been typing up a really long entry full of great things and strange things but it doesn't feel complete because I'm still feeling out so much. I'll post it eventually.
Other than that, I'm happy but just stressed about January slipping more and more away and needing to get that phone call offering my a job rather soon. I also miss my best friends but for the first time in a long time I know I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be and I haven't felt that since summer or in a sense of "home" in even longer.
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
snow days
Tonight my roommates and I (mates because Aaron is living here until at least March) drank some Whiskey and sat around the living room talking about anarchism and our beliefs, society and so many things inbetween. I just want to write/type down that this is the reason that I moved on. These are the reasons I love my community so much and finally feel I found friends and a place I fit. This is what I've been looking for, this is where I want to be. This is what I've been waiting for my entire life, what I've been working up towards.
Saturday, January 8, 2011
A's
If growing up means finally understanding feelings you've always felt and finally having them manifest in and turn into things you truly care and feel passionate about; then I really, really love growing up.
That, or I'm really going to love my twenties. My only regret is not feeling these things sooner- that it took me until now to find who I am, turning what I've always loved into a lifestyle and not just interests and finally finding the community I feel I belong in. I still feel like somewhat of a stranger, but at least I'm home now and hopefully I'll settle in eventually. Regardless of how I feel, I couldn't be more thankful for the warm welcome and acceptance. Maybe that means my ideas and thoughts are being taken seriously for the first time in my life, that the members of this home see my true intentions and accept them and myself.
I'm sorry it took me until 19 to start realizing these feelings, acknowledging that they meant something. No feelings are just feelings, no feeling should go ignored. I'm sorry that it took me until 20 to then grasp and take action upon them. I'm sorry I didn't start learning these things when I was much younger, and get involved more soon but I don't feel like resources became available to me until later and as soon as they did I started to realize what exactly is important to me and how I want to live my life; and at least I'm here now.
I'm still learning. I'm grasping more and more of this every day. And for the first time in my life, I feel like I'm learning things actually worth learning. Something I never felt during my entirely time in the public education system. I'm feeling something I never felt before. I'm reading and finishing my piece of literature feeling accomplished and leaving it brighter than I was before, more of a person, more of a better whole person. I'm still learning, and I hope that's ok. I hope you'll still stand with me in solidarity even when I have to do a little more research still to fully understand something that's newer to me than you, I hope you'll understand that my heart and mind are in the right places and at the very least I'm on the right track. I'm headed in the direction I was always meant to, it just took me a few detours to make it here.
That, or I'm really going to love my twenties. My only regret is not feeling these things sooner- that it took me until now to find who I am, turning what I've always loved into a lifestyle and not just interests and finally finding the community I feel I belong in. I still feel like somewhat of a stranger, but at least I'm home now and hopefully I'll settle in eventually. Regardless of how I feel, I couldn't be more thankful for the warm welcome and acceptance. Maybe that means my ideas and thoughts are being taken seriously for the first time in my life, that the members of this home see my true intentions and accept them and myself.
I'm sorry it took me until 19 to start realizing these feelings, acknowledging that they meant something. No feelings are just feelings, no feeling should go ignored. I'm sorry that it took me until 20 to then grasp and take action upon them. I'm sorry I didn't start learning these things when I was much younger, and get involved more soon but I don't feel like resources became available to me until later and as soon as they did I started to realize what exactly is important to me and how I want to live my life; and at least I'm here now.
I'm still learning. I'm grasping more and more of this every day. And for the first time in my life, I feel like I'm learning things actually worth learning. Something I never felt during my entirely time in the public education system. I'm feeling something I never felt before. I'm reading and finishing my piece of literature feeling accomplished and leaving it brighter than I was before, more of a person, more of a better whole person. I'm still learning, and I hope that's ok. I hope you'll still stand with me in solidarity even when I have to do a little more research still to fully understand something that's newer to me than you, I hope you'll understand that my heart and mind are in the right places and at the very least I'm on the right track. I'm headed in the direction I was always meant to, it just took me a few detours to make it here.
Sunday, January 2, 2011
0906
Knowing that I have to stand by my decision, knowing that I need to stay mad at you, knowing you've proved you're not the best friend over and over and that you're out of chances, knowing that I know all of this but am still going to miss you, is the hardest thing I've ever going to have to remember.
What a sad first post of 2011. To counter that, in all honesty the first few nights of the year couldn't have felt more "right".
What a sad first post of 2011. To counter that, in all honesty the first few nights of the year couldn't have felt more "right".
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