It starts now.

When I was 15 I didn't have the necessarily best taste in music. I adored Fueled by Ramen bands, and Warped Tour had a very special place in my heart. My dreams consisted of working a warped tour and jumping in a big white van with friends to go on tour. Although things are very different now, one of those dreams never changed. Going on tour has always been the one thing I've wanted more than anything in the world, something I've spent so many years hoping for. And now almost 5 years later, it's happening. The van might be green instead of white, but tomorrow morning I leave for a 3 week tour with Cut Short, some of my best friends. I am so excited. I've been home from California for less than 24 hours, and I unpacked all my things just to wash them and pack again. I am living everything I ever wished on stars for. You're watching live the life I spent so many years reaching blindly for, and now it's all in front of me. You might not see my intentions clearly, but I know how to live. Really fucking live. And that's all that matters. Day 1 in Virginia Beach, VA here we come.

I miss you more than usual these days.

March 2009

March is always a really good month for me.
Road trip after road trip after road trip, with Garrett every weekend.
Helped Tyler move and pack and searched all over Newark for boxes all week. Snow storm, missed a show in Doylestown and worried about the boys all night. Slept over at Stacy's and she tried to kill us driving to Wal-Mart in it, colored and played guitar hero.

Pouted when she wouldn't go outside and play with me, tried to convince Andrew and Tom to come over but Tom was driving to Middletown drunk. Had a sleepover with Amy and Melissa for Amy's birthday, went to taco bell, almost cried driving up there in the left over snow, and watched Mean Girls. Went to the mall and had taking back sunday singalongs the next day, out to nice lunch at Applebee's with just mfd. Saw Title Fight and Fireworks in Baltimore at ccas with Tyler, Andrew, and Garrett. I remember feeling like there's no other 3 boys I'd ever rather be anywhere with. I found a piece of myself at that show that I had been missing when I actually got into the crowd. A bunch of cars on the street got their windows hit out by a baseball bat. People suck, Baltimore is scary. After we got home we went to get coffee on main st and got into one of the most awkward situations, that was actually pretty hilarious. "THAT'S MY GRANDMA!" Saw Paint It Black and Propaghandi the next night in Baltimore with Joey. Cut Short played UD, so much drama that night. I went to Tyler's before the show to hang out, he made me tea and we stood in his kitchen talking. I think then is when I realized that that friendship is forever. Went to the show, I loved shows like that when EVERYONE is there, then everyone went to eagle diner. I remember somehow getting to Middletown in 18 minutes that night, meeting up with Melissa and Andrew, and eating Apple Jacks and watching youtube videos until like 4 am. That was one of the best nights of the year for me.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vuSERHqzKwI

I saw Watchmen with Garrett, and went to Wilkes-Barre, PA with him the next night for Title Fight, Balance and Composure, and Tigers Jaw. "I can't tell you how happy it makes me to finally have a friend like Garrett who'll drive ridiculously far distances to see bands we were/are completely likely to see again, just BECAUSE. I've needed someone like that for awhile." Saw Defeater in Philly with him and Bill for free, and bought a hot chocolate from a really mean man. Went to The Outlander's show and hung out with Lauren and surprised everyone with my hair.

UNITED. BLOOD. FEST.
That easily defines more of March than anything else, and is a major highlight of my year. Went with Garrett and Brian, left early Friday morning to head to Richmond, Virginia, checked into our ridiculously nice hotel, and went to day 1. Saw Mother of Mercy, Foundation, Title Fight, and a million other bands and got kicked in the face too many times. Hung out with Max, Joey, Ben, and Josh too all weekend. Got offered a free hookah at dinner, funny since everyone there was straight edge. Saturday/Day 2 I stood in one spot on the balcony for 10 hours because I wasn't trying to get kicked in the face 43098 times again. I couldn't open my mouth after getting kicked in the jaw during TF. Saw Forfeit, watched the bottom floor get mopped for 2 hours after the pipes burst

and mainly avoided Colin from COA's stare all day and waited patiently for the headlining bands later that night. Screamed my heart out to Ceremony and Blacklisted, and was literally shaking and speechless after Converge. Couldn't feel my legs after literally standing in the same spot all day. Left for home. Started hating Brian. Freaked out driving through DC cause I thought it was so cool and both the boys were asleep. Got home at like 6 am, realized the whole weekend only cost me like $30, and woke up and picked up Garrett and Tyler and went to Philly to see Converge again. So amazing, sososo amazing. I remember waking up the next morning already nostalgic, something changed in me that weekend and I haven't been the same since. I can't wait til this years.


I also dyed my hair dark this month right before UBF!


edit: this also happened in march

February 2009

As far as I can tell or remember, I went from being excited about the year and happy to completely and totally miserable. I do now blame the weather for this. Every year, these few terribly cold months go pretty unremembered because I block most of it out. The idea of Florida in the winter becomes more and more real every day. Anyways the few days I can still grasp from last Feb-

The month started off waking up in Philly. Punk Rock Flea Market with Stace at the electric factory. It was ridiculously crowded, but I did find a few cool things like season 1 of pete & pete on dvd, and a screen printed poster from a mewithoutYou and Sparta show I went to in early 2007. I ran into Brittany-who had yet to become a good friend, as well as Max, Joey, and Ben. Cut Short played the grange that afternoon. There was the night Melissa and me hung out and decided to finish off the pictures on my disposable camera and get it developed.

And the second jersey trip with Cut Short, realizing again how much fun show's at AJ's house were. Devil's road trip with Melissa and Tiffany, went to concord mall, got dinner at Charcoal pit. I think we thought a guy/tow truck driver was trying to kidnap up at mcdonalds when we stopped to pee. This can explain my mentality that night: "Flying kites. Riding spaceships. Newark with Melissa, ya know?" This is honestly all I remember of February, other than sitting home, not leaving the house except going to yoga/the gym a lot, and being pretty miserable over irrational fears of losing friendships that weren't even close to being lost. I hate when I get like that for periods of time and let days and weeks of my life go to waste. Oh well, February 2009- I will not repeat you.

I feel like this night deserves recognition too. I'm just not sure exactly when it took place. Sometime between Jan 15th and Feb 7th. Hung out at Andrew's with him, Melissa, and Nick. Seriously out of our minds. Attempted to go to taco bell, decided to go to waffle house instead got seated then left, ended up at taco bell again. Finally understood Algernon's lyrics, and slapped legs with Nick. Andrew kept seeing aerosmith and made up this fucking terrfying/hilarious song dance thing. I love that night a lot.

"I couldn't talk to save my life."

I sabotage my own future every time I let an opportunity to get closer to the life I want pass me by because I can't bring myself to find words. And I can't stop beating myself up about it, ever.

2009- January

Welcomed in new years, with the best new years I've ever had. It's so strange to think I'm not 'friends' with any of those people anymore. Not to say it's anyones fault or bad, things just change, people grow apart. The party I met up with Alex at, Keith breaking Veronica's nose, leaving with Joanna and ending up at Harvey's with a million people. Huge dance party and everyone singing Kanye, random delicious drinks/orange soda 4 me. Poz got wine all over the wall, and Amy was my new years kiss.

Cut Short, every weekend. The legendary (at least to us) jersey trip/show at AJ's. Tyler was in the air more than on the ground the entire night. Everyone was so happy, I got pulled into a circle pit and sprained my ankle. I sat outside freezing my feet off so Eddie bought me a coffee. Totally earned my place as merch girl. The sonic afterwards, Eagle diner back at home. This:


I finally bought an ipod, and left to go on a spontaneous trip to Arizona to visit Cecily and Kellie for a week or so. Cecily kicked me out, and I went to a party and actually had fun, and went with Brian and hung out at this tattoo shop in Bullhead all dayy. I spent 12 hours in the Vegas airport at one point and this indian boy tried to get me to come stay at his house for the night.

Saw City & Colour with Tyler, Zoe, and Amy in Philly and froze to death. OH YEAH, and this was during the time when my heater was 'broken' in my car so driving places was hell. I went to Just Surrender and Houston Calls at the grange (haha) cause Brodie was on tour with them and got me in for free to hang. Cut Short played in Doylestown and I drove in the snow with Tyler and Andrew. Tom and Jeremy followed us up, we all got lost, and Tom was my hero for fixing my windshield wipers. I almost died on the way home because the fog was so thick. Stacy and me baked and decorated gingerbread cookies while she was still home for Christmas break and played guitar hero for hours and hours and hours.

Melissa and me drove to Harve de Grace for no reason, and saw a really cool asian restaurant on the way home that we never did try. I'm pretty sure this was a time in my life where frequent late night hangs at Andrew F's occured with him and mfd. Went to Doylestown for Title Fight and Balance and Composure with Garrett and Tyler, oh the times when no one knew them. Paulson played the grange and it was a dance party as usual. I miss that. I remember after that show I came home and ended up going back out around 1 am with Andrew F and Melissa and driving around Middletown. I remember loving just getting home and getting a call to come get in the car.

The last weekend in January, I think could be considered the night Stacy became my best friend again. I went up to Philly for the Punk Rock Flea Market. Stace and me went to try and get my tattoo and it didn't happen but we sat in Starbucks on South St forever just talking and laughed so hard- to quote my blog from that weekend "talking and laughing harder than I've laughed in awhile" This never fails to come out of my mouth after hanging out with her. I love my best friend so much. 3 and a half years, and we just keep getting closer. We baked peanut butter and jelly cookies and watched Step Brothers. That night meant a lot to me, we laid in bed at 3 am listening to Bon Iver and talking about summer and naps on the beach.

The next morning was February.

dec 07

This is the first time I've listened to Algernon in a good 6 months not hating it. I hate missing 2008 when these bands were all our little secrets and those memories that I can't let go no matter how different things get.

002.

This is the first time I've come back to California since moving that I'm not miserable. But that feeling actually alarms me. Because nothing amazing has been happening here, nothing to make me NOT miss home. So why don't I want to go back right this minute?

I don't miss anything. I just miss Philadelphia. Delaware has my heart, but I think being back there has made me realize even more that my time to leave already came. It's be fine in small doses, it's just time for my next step. I took one but it wasn't the right one. Of course I miss Tyler and Zoe and Stace and Andrew..but that feeling is no different than what I was feeling there. Because I've only seen Zoe once since mid november and now, and I hadn't really seen anyone except at Blacklisted the day before I left, since I've been stuck in Middletown with no money.

I guess I just feel really detached.. and the changes going on around the people and places I call my life are just too much for me to handle or accept. I've been playing around with a bunch of options in my mind, but now more than ever I just need to be back in the city. Especially when I come back to a cold winter, I don't know if I'll make it otherwise. Hopefully I'll talk to Liz today about getting a place with her, Lauren, Ryan, and Serena.

001.

Today I bought Rogue States by Noam Chomsky, a book written kind of zine formatted, it's untitled and anonymous, and Choke by Chuck Palanuik for $5 because I've yet to read anything by him. I also picked up a some little free anarchist newspaper at the Wooden Shoe, and Stacy's letting me borrow Franny and Zooey by JD Salinger. I found Slaughterhouse Five (by Kurt Vonnegut) again finally because I missplaced it, so I can start over with that too.

If my mission of making California fun/enjoyable for once fails, at least I can take to sitting outside in the semi-decent (aka above 50 and not too cold to stand) weather and read until I come home.

I also needed some sort of smaller convenient duffle bag to take on tour, and I found one for 90 cents in a little thrift store in West Philly tonight. It says Jimbo on it. I guess today wasn't bad.


There is so much more to say, but I can't say anything because I'm stuck in this little bad mood and can't get out, no matter how much I want to. Why don't I have control over that? I also can't sleep, but that's nothing new.

I do not know how to be happy when it's cold.

I'm fine with feeling lost, it's feeling stuck I can't handle.

Thanksgiving 2009

Holidays aren’t my best childhood memories, not saying I didn’t love what I had, but there was always a lot of alcohol involved, and I don’t have a big family or any of those big gatherings most people seem to have. So when it comes to having a good thanksgiving, christmas, new years, etc..I’m not that hard to please. Tonight may very well have been the best thanksgiving I’ve ever had. I woke up to 10 missed calls from Tyler and went and picked him up and drove towards Baltimore. Dinner was at his aunts house and there was a TON of people- family he didn’t even know. And I really enjoyed getting to enjoy a real holiday family dinner for the first time, just the way you imagine them. I was so thankful for being welcomed into their home, and for a real home-cooked meal. It’s funny how amazing something like that can seem when you don’t see it very much anymore. We stayed for about 2 hours, and drove back to Delaware. We hung out at his house for awhile, and then I went over to Garrett’s when he got off work. He wanted to find a cool recipe to cook, so we found a vegan ‘chicken’ pasta pesto recipe that looked good online and went in search of an open grocery store, we ended up at wal-mart, only to realize he had lost the list of food we needed hahah. It didn’t matter, nothing mattered, everything tonight just felt so good. I was geniunely happy for the first time in weeks. Plus Garrett felt like my friend again, something I constantly struggle with when we go awhile without talking. He felt like the best friend I had last March, I could go on about how happy this makes me forever. Anyways, we bullshitted our way through what we thought we needed and went back to his place and put together our own recipe instead. We danced around his kitchen cooking and blasting Morrisey and I couldn’t stop smiling. Kyle came over eventually and we ate, watched Food Inc, and played Bullshit until 2 am. I love little nights like this more than anything. I also love that I’m a 19 year old girl, and they’re two boys-20 and 17, and we’d rather sit around sober doing things like this than being out at a party or drinking or any of that bullshit. I’m so happy I have people like this in my life. I’m thankful I had a good holiday, despite whether it should be a holiday or not, any day glorified as a time to spend with family or loved ones- I want to be doing just that, and today that’s what I did.

080808

It scares me how sure you can be that the people in your life are always going to be there.

tracks

This feels good. It’s not real, but it’s a pretty imagery and something I wouldn’t mind really living. As I sit in a diner in this all to familiar town I’m ironically listening to the train pass by on the tracks out back. I could get used to this. My cup of coffee, the interesting characters, the solitude of no one knowing a thing about me, what kind of adventure I’m currently on, or any piece of my story. I can't wait until this is a reality.

002.

I don't mean to brag..but I find myself talking about how amazing my life is a lot. And I’m not bragging, it’s just because it completely astonishes me how lucky I am and I don’t know if I’ll ever get over it.

I’ve quit college twice now, and it’s proving to be the best choice I’ve made yet. I don’t always have a plan and I get a little lost sometimes but I’m getting to do things that I never would be able to if I was working full-time or going to school still. Yeah I’m constantly broke and spending a lot of time on friend’s couches, but what’s it matter? If I’m happy, that’s all that I can see as important. I quit school and got to go on a road trip to Florida/The Fest. I came home and went to Vermont with a best friend and had one of the most important nights of my life. I could very well be going to Chicago this weekend and spending a week in Michigan. Then I’ll be going out to California, then on tour. I’m supposed to get an apartment after tour, but I’m thinking traveling the rest of the year into next summer sounds a little better. So many places to visit, if I work a week or two in between the trips I have enough for gas and to get by and that’s all I really need.

I am so lucky. This won’t last forever, but it sounds perfect for now. I’ll figure out forever when it gets here, if I make it there.

Fuckin' Vermont, man

Last night will go down as one of the best nights of my entire life. The last time I felt such strong nostalgia so soon after experiencing something was after United Blood Fest last march. It's when I know I experienced something that has changed me, I will never be the same after last night. I was to write so much about it, but I can't even think straight right now. Big things are going to happen.

Edit: Vermont-

There was something about the small town feeling, this little anarchist run cafe, and those kids in their winter clothes dancing around having the time of their lives, that changed something inside of me. I knew the trip to Vermont was going to be wonderful, but I wasn't expecting it to be the 'something' I've been searching for to help me get back to the place I want my mind to be. I finally know my plan for having no plan, and I'm content as ever with it. Those people that night, that boy and his guitar, the complete break down of all things trendy, stylish, or for a look or label or because it's "cool". I want to know where these kinds of kids are in my world. Do I have to move to Vermont to feel that way all the time? Because I will if that's what it takes. But there has to be kids like this is other places, I'm just not sure where to look. All I know is a lifestyle has never appealed to me quite as much, and I know where I belong. The smelly boys that don't shower, the girls in their mix-matched $5 outfits, the free dumpstered food..it's the most amazing place I have ever witnessed. The minute the show ended, I couldn't bare to walk out the door. I've never been less ready to leave anywhere in my entire life. I just kept asking Stacy, "It's not really over is it?" I didn't want it to end, I could of lived happily ever after dancing around that room with strangers to Nana Grizol.

Wingnut. I don't know how to explain the way he made me feel without sounding completely crazy. All I know is now I believe in something like love at first sight, something..something. I have never felt this way about a person in my whole life, and it has to mean something. Standing there hearing him play the songs I've spent the last 6 months listening to more than anything, I have NEVER felt as surreal. I wasn't expecting to see this boy who is everything I could possibly want. I have to see him again..

The entire trip was amazing. On the way, Stace and me stopped at this place on the Palisades Cliffs and climbed/looked over the Hudson. It was such an amazing view/place it set the mood for the entire day. If that's all we had done all day I would of been completely content with just that. But it only got so much better.

Endulge like Hemingway.

Understanding feelings I never felt before is one of my favorite things. It's the kind of knowledge I actually find knowledgeable. I know understand how traveling is addictive. While you're gone, it's always nice to get home, but after awhile there's an urge to leave again. I know I'll never be in one place forever, and I'm okay with this. I've always known this feeling, but only know do I understand and it's real.

I don't know much of anything lately, sometimes I'm happy sometimes I'm fucked up, I'm just working really hard to get back to the mentality I want, need, and love. It's there somewhere, holding on to it is the hard part.

Tomorrow I'm going to see Shook Ones in Philly by myself. It's funny how things change. I used to to go to shows alone because it was my only option, then I stopped because I didn't like being with out someone, now I'm at the point to where I'd rather go alone again. I think it's mostly because when I don't know anyone I feel the ability to be as ridiculous as I want. No judgment or limitations or caring what anyone in the room thinks. Afterwards I'm staying at Stace's, then we leave for Vermont the next morning. I'm so ready, I so need this, I'm so excited.

001.

"I swear there's nothing innocent in these eyes. Because I've seen dead friends. And I've seen murder. And I've done things I wish I hadn't done. But that's not to say that I'm not afraid of long nights dwelling on past mistakes. Because with life moving as fast as it does, I'll still have stories to fucking tell."




My life is everything I've always wanted. Florida was one of the best weekends of my life, I'll post about it soon in detail. The next week is going to be absolutely amazing. This weekend was/is wonderful too, Party at Kapa's friday night, Touche Amore in Bear last night, and in a bit I'm going to pick up Tyler and go to their show again with TA in Philly. I have a feeling it's going to be hard to get me to leave the city again when I'm there.. I'd also really like to kidnap Stace.

Beagle Club Way

I'm going to miss the city, I'm going to die without Stacy, but it feels REALLY good to be home.

This place is my heart, forever.

004.

A lot of things are about to change and happen, and I am truly going to attempt to keep them documented.

Moving to Philadelphia was one of the best things that happened to me, do not doubt that in a few months I will be moving into my own place once again. But for now it's time to be surrounded by those I love and just live, and live in the way I truly want. Day by day, with no real structure and on limited tools of survival. This came about much more quickly than anyone expected, but it's what I want..so who needs time to prepare.

Tonight I packed most of my apartment, and then walked around the city for a bit. I needed a box to send away the college books I'm selling and I found the perfect one just two blocks down on Chestnut, and while I was walking away with it I noticed "Scottie" was written on the side. If that's not a strange coincidence, I don't know what is. I met up with Stacy and Megan and since it was Monday we went to Rittenhouse and talked and watched Four Square. All of the sudden it hit me that having Stacy so close to me is extremely important and although I'll be back in 3 months, those 3 months are going to be very difficult, although I know I'll see her all the time. I realized this mid conversation and had to interrupt her. All I could say was "Stace..Stace...Stace" and then the tears came and I just told her I'm going to miss her. And then we both just started crying which resulted in laughing at the same time. Megan had no idea what was going on, but we did. That girl is my everything, the best friend I could ask for. I'm going to miss her so much while I'm not here.

Things would be a lot less stressful if the eviction notice had come after I got back from Florida, but that's not how things worked out, and I'm just going with it. I'm stressed out about the fact that fitting all of my belongings into my car probably isn't manageable, but if that's my biggest worry, bigger than homelessness, then I'd say I'm pretty well off. So bring on the cold nights, uncomfortable couches, and the unknown plans of each and every day. I'm so ready for this. I always knew 'normal' life wasn't my path, and I don't regret giving up on college twice now at all. I will find my way. As long as I'm happy, that's all that matters. "Quit what you don't love, live as you make it up."

Other than all of this mess, I leave early Thursday morning for Florida/The Fest 8 wit Chrystina. I'm not sure I've ever been so excited. A real road trip with just me and a good friend, visiting multiple states I've never been to, documenting the entire thing via photograph and journal, an AMAING music festival, and just the overall expiernece. We'll be back monday or tuesday, unless we decide to stay longer. She told her job she'll call and let them know when she's coming back and I have no other commitments for a few weeks. Vermont, my road trip to California, Kellie visiting, California for Christmas, and Winter Tour with Cut Short are also within the next 2 months. I am about to live exactly as I'd choose, and I didn't even consciously make the choice. Here we go, here we go, here we go..

Over and over

I want my family back. And not meaning I wish my mom and siblings weren't 3,000 miles away. I mean my real family. With a father in it. And traditions. And everything else I used to have. And I'll never get that back. Never.

I'm 19 years old..

and I have no idea how to go about pursuing someone if I like them. I'm just realizing this too..like, I've never and might not ever go after a guy first. I have always left it up to them to come to me.

Maybe this is part of the problem.

003.

I have a lot of friends. I am constantly surrounded by people and I love each and everyone of them. But there will always be those ones who are my heart strings. The only ones that truly matter when I wake up and go to sleep every day and night. And once someone is one of those people, they never really leave me. So when they have left, their absence is greatly noticed. I can never forgive or forget what was done, but I miss my friend. There is so much going on right now and I need you. This is something that happens, but I'm not sure I'll ever get over it. My heart it too involved in everything I do.

I've come to the conclusion that my feelings are always so hard to grasp because there's just always too much going on at once. The only time I'm able to really pin point anything is when I'm just calm, in some kind of "zen moment". And when I do finally grasp something, it's very quickly and easily taken away from me if I don't concentrate on it. I don't know if any of this makes sense, I just know it's really hard for me to get myself into mindsets with my own will rather than fate, or whatever else controls it.

This weekend was wonderful. I just wish I could go back to feeling that content all the time. And I wish he would stop hurting me, but I am not help in that situation at all.

"do you ever feel you were meant to be alone?"

It's so strange when lyrics that never made sense before suddenly do. I guess you truly have to feel certain emotions to be able to relate to certain words.


searching, searching, searching. not a care in the world other than living.

It gets better with time. Can I just be at that point now?

let go

Why? Why did you come into my life and fuck everything I had going for me up? More importantly, why did I let you? Even more importantly, why do I still care about you despite all these ups and downs and the horrible way you affect me. I hate how I get attached to the people in my life. Anyone who's around a lot just automatically gets a piece of my heart, and I guess this isn't always the best way to go about things. Because when people don't turn out as good as I give them credit for, I still find it hard to let them go and in return, hurt myself.

Never again and again and again

I lost every bit of feeling I've had that I was trying to hold on to, and now the only thing I feel is something all too familiar and I can't stand this at all.

002.

At the beginning of the summer I was so good at writing an entry about every day. I want to remember everything, and I let the last half of summer and the beginning of fall pass right by. I'm going to start using this more again, for more than just complaining when things are down.

I'm not sure how I'm doing right now, but I'm okay. Some times are better than others, but when they're good lately..they're REALLY good. When I'm happy, I'm so happy I could cry..and sometimes I do hahaha. Some things have brought me a little down from where I was at a few weeks ago..but I'm trying not to let them affect me and I'm trying very hard to get back to where I was. The first week of my fall break I had the absolute best mentality, and I need it back. It felt so good. I've never known such content-ness. Even if I wasn't happy, I was just content and it was amazing. I think it might of been the first time I knew what it was like to feel FREE. It's always kind of, well cool, to experience a new feeling for the first time.

At least I know I'm getting to know myself a little better again, and I love that. I remember a time when I was learning things about myself and bettering myself and I lost it and had no idea how to get it back, but I can feel it creeping around the corner and I'm in no rush, but it's good to know it's not gone forever.

School, I'm not so sure about it. I've learned some things lately that have me altering my way of life and I'm not sure if this is the path I want anymore. I do know it took moving to Philly to realize a lot of this and to be able to make these changes happening in my mind..so one again I do truly think SOME, if not all, things happen for a reason. Little hints all the time. All I know is that I have amazing times and feel like I own the city when I'm running around some good friends with no other care in the world.

This is the part where we start to feel better...

001.

Florida/Gainsville/The Fest 8 with Chrystina, Vermont with Stacy.
I'm finally getting what I wanted.
I live in the city, I have amazing friends, I would live in the seats of cars if I could.
Everything is getting so exciting.

I also think paying for food will be something of the past for me in the near future..

again

I was doing so well. I was so happy, so much happier than I remember being in..well, years at this point. I was content, I felt like for the time being I had everything I wanted. But now one things goes wrong, and it sends me in a downward spiral and I'm losing all the feelings I worked so hard to achieve. I'm missing the past again, I'm feeling disconnected from those who are close, I'm feeling discontent and that well-known longing for something more.

I have no idea where to go from here at this point.

repeat

I told myself never again. It's not as bad because the situation is a lot less intense, but I still promised myself I'd never feel like this again. January 1st, 2007 I got my heart stomped all over. Now the situation feels like it's being repeated. I did this to myself, I hate this. I am my own worst enemy.

fuck

I believe now more than ever that I should always follow my gut instincts. Just in the way that I trust my judgement in friendships, I should trust myself when I think something will probably be a bad idea. But it's the fear of holding myself back versus missing out on something great. I want to be able to just let things flow the way they should, not feel like I need to control them, and just let them live their selves out. But maybe I get these gut feelings for a reason, maybe I shouldn't just "see how things go" because if I feel a certain way, maybe it's for a reason. All I know is that I told myself not to get these feelings for him, I told myself not to like him until I was sure it was going to go somewhere, I told myself not to get attached. But I decided to say fuck you to those instincts and just go along with things..well look where it got me, exactly where I didn't want to me. He just dropped me and moved on to somebody else. I was completely lead on. And even though the feelings could be a lot stronger, this still just really sucks. I love my boys more than anything, I never want to talk to anyone other one outside of them again. I never want to like anyone ever again.

this

couches, kitchen counters, basements, ice, slugs, beds, 7 am, 1 am, video games, floors, broken heat, bad drivers, long talks, dirty shoes, canyons, extra long hugs, sucker punches, teary-eyed songs, skateboards and maracas, pants, frozen toes or shaven heads, 'got ya good', cupcakes, trunks, stolen signs and other goods, broken phones, and feeling alive.

"Tesla, you sounded so happy." I can't believe it's that noticeable.

again

I told myself not to get attached. Not only did I get attached but I got attached and my hopes up more than I warned myself against. I hate feeling like this. I just want to go back to liking a stupid boy who I can never have. I was good at it.

heart.

Stacy Hornung, Tyler Mullen, and Andrew Benenati are the most important people in the world to me. I don't know when it happened, I don't know why sometimes, but they have more of my heart than I could explain. They are 3 of the most amazing people I've ever met, and I will keep them close forever. I've never felt so sure.


Also: 1 week. I have no idea how the past one went so fast.

November 14th

I bought Tyler and myself Brand New tickets for his birthday :)
I'm so excited.

soon

This summer has gone faster than any summer I can remember.
I can't believe it's August.
2 weeks :(

best

Recently, I don't know much.. but I do know the most important thing to me is being a good friend. That's all that really seems to matter, and if that's all I know how to do, that's fine with me. I love my best friends so, so much. I know the best people, and they deserve the best in return.

years go by

All I ever wanted was for you to care. The closest thing I got was insincere.

This has to change.

I don't know what happened to my memory. I went to so many amazing shows, I had so many great times, had so many good nights with important people..and I am so disconnected from all of them. I don't remember so many nights, I don't remember most of what happened this past year. And to be honest, if I hadn't subcomed to being miserable it probably would of been the best year of my life. It would of been the best year of my entire life. I had everything I wanted, I just needed a better personality.

This has to change. I am never going to feel regret again.

...

I wish I had left when I was ready. Because now I'm not so ready.

Always

I miss everything. I miss things I didn't even ever think I'd miss. I miss things I don't feel like I should have to miss, they got away too fast. I'm so happy with how things are right now, but it doesn't mean they'll ever compare to some of the past. I miss such random situations. I miss last year's beach trips and screaming at the top of our lungs on the dragon ride and singing vanessa carlton on late nights drives home and dinner after the sunset on the beach with a community cup. I miss when Algernon was our little secret and their shows were nothing but all of us traveling to ridiculous places to see them and sing our hearts out and smile at each other and have big group hugs afterwards. I miss driving up to Newark after school my senior year just to sit at the diner with Melissa and Tyler and how n one meant as much to me as them. I miss Melissa Stafford when she was my best friend in the entire world, when people would see one of us and automatically wonder where the other was. I miss baking cakes and decorating Harvey's car for "christ day". I miss random acts of kindness and leaving cute post it notes on stranger's cars. I miss spending every weekend in winter '07 at the grange and hearing my name in every direction. I miss when my gas light was always on, but it "doesn't mean anything". I miss driving all the way to Pittsburgh to see Jesse Lacey play. I miss sitting in McDonalds parking lots until 1 am just talking about anything. I miss driving up onto Tyler's lawn in the ice to get his drums for yet another show. I miss leaving shows to go eat cheese fries at the diner. I miss afterschool homework sessions that turn into days spent drinking hot chocolate playing cards. I miss the winter shows in Jersey, always being the only girl, driving my boys to all their shows and freezing my feet off but never feeling more content. I miss ubf. I miss driving all the way to connecticut with Garrett and surf and tappanzee bridge and getting stuck in a foot of snow in my mom's trailblazer and how awesome we were for getting it out. I miss making a bed on Dara's floor and watching horribly made horror movies all night while eating pretzels and cream cheese and never stopping laughing. I miss Alex Souders and how he'd hold my hand when we were at Africa and I was scared. I miss new york trips where we get followed by bums and fall over on the subway and "events of epic proportions". I miss devil's road trips every weekend last fall. I miss when Fair Hill was such a huge part of our life, our other little secret. I miss driving around PA trying to get lost, listening to the early november. I miss when Tyler would call me and wake me up every single morning yelling about random things or leaving ridiculous voicemails. I miss when every fucking got along, and driving around in circles with Andrew B, Nick, and Melissa singing Soco. I miss
i miss
i miss
i miss

003.

Thursday was my birthday dinner. I was feeling a little bummed out about it because some people couldn't come, I was comparing it to last year, etc. But that night ended up being perfectly fine. Actually pretty damn wonderful. Some how, out of the blue, I've felt more comfortable in my own skin and that's lead to me feeling more talkative, outgoing, I really don't know..I just feel a whole lot more comfortable around certain people and it's created a lot more enjoyment in just little situations. Anyways, I waited for Stace to get off work, then went up to meet everyone that WAS coming at the Eagle Diner around 6:30. It was us, Andrew, Drew, Zoe, Tyler, Nick and Kapa. I got some ridiculous presents (Some weird vinyl from Andrew, A dark magic card from Drew, some receipts from Nick, and a dollar from Zoe) and a drawing from Tyler of course. I told him by the time we're not friends anymore my wall will be completely full of them. We ate, talked, Tyler ate some cheese fries with sugar on them, and we left a few hours later. We took some trunk pictures because I love them and then headed towards Main St. I've realized lately my life mostly consists of loitering in various locations no matter where I'm at/who I'm with, but I'm not complaining. We basically hung out around Main the rest of the night. We attempted to play hide and seek but got bored pretty quick, Nick and me thought we saw a ghost. Like legitimately. Then we sat outside Peace a Pizza all night, taking pictures, I made Tyler teach me how to skate board, and I had a lotlotlot of fun. Oh and Andrew almost got beat up by some guy who was obsessed with Youtube. After everyone left, I took Andrew home and me and Stacy just drove around, got a burrito, got a cute voicemail from Kelsey, Lizzy, and Ashley, had a techno dance party, and I turned 19 after midnight and got a zillion texts. My friends R00L.

We didn't go home til after 2 am, and since I can never go right to sleep I stayed up til almost 6 when I had to wake up for nyc at ten. Never ever ever go to the city after 4 hours of sleep. Stace and me took forever to get ready, so we drove up to Hamilton NJ around 12, took the train from there to the city, and got to the city a little before 3. We didn't really have plans other than the mewithoutYou show, so we attempted to find pizza and have a picnic. We ended up walking for like an hour and a half and the planned turned into getting food at the Lyric Diner. I have no idea where I've heard about that place, but I have and it was pretty good. After that we just continued walking. We realized we had no directions to the venue and ended up just finding it based on my obvious AMAZING sense of direction. It was so strange. We found a "private community" that was one of the weirdest things I've ever see, met the cutest old man ever, I got hit on by some really really creepy dude, and we went into a few thrift shops. So. Much. Walking. We went to the show around 7 and sat in line. When we finally got in the venue I was pleasantly surprised that it was a lot smaller than I thought it would be and there was no barrier :D There was one girl between us and the stage and she ended up leaving so we were right in the front. It couldn't have gotten any better. The show was absolutely amazing, that band can not let me down. It was a lot of fun, I wouldn't have rather done anything else than dance to my favorite band on my birthday. I got a really cute shirt too. The show ended around 12:40 and we had to catch the last train back to Jersey at 1:40. We wondered around and eventually found the right subway to take us back to Penn Station and we ended up finding everything/getting there at the perfect time. We got back to the car around 3:15 and headed home. There was some really good songs on the regular radio, and then I came more close than I ever have to falling asleep while driving. We got home are 5:30 while the sun was rising.

Again, I got like no sleep because I didn't fall asleep til like 6 and then we had plans with Brittany the next day at 10. Luckily I had enough time to get ready and Brittany got here, we got Stacy, and headed up to Philly for the first day of punk rock flea market. I don't think I've ever been as tired as I was this day/night. After walking around nyc all day, we walked more than i ever have in philly. The flea market was pretty lame, so we met up with Brandon and Stevie and decided to walk into the city and get iced coffee. After that we went to Rittenhouse and just layed around talking and hanging out for awhile. This is another time when my loitering was very apparent. Around 5 we all realized we were really hungy so we decided to get some "za"' aka pizza. My car was still up by the starlight ballroom so us girls walked back to it to get it. We drove to Brandon's in south Phila to park it there, and then we all talked up to south st for dinner. We sat in the "secret pizza spot" and hung real hard. Some how talk of the movie Hotel For Dogs came up, so our night kind of revolved around renting it. We went back to get Stevie's car and then drove to get the movie. We went home and watched it. I don't really remember it or anything around this time because I was so unbelievably tired I got super moody and just wanted to go to bed. Of course that didn't happen. Ed came over and eventually we decided to whip out the Ouija board. It started pouring and was honestly like a monsoon outside, there was more lightning that I've ever seen. It made it so much more creepier. Ed had me crying in laughter the rest of the night, "Dude if I get possessed, fuck you." The Ouija board was intense, I'll never know if anyone was moving it or not. It spelled out Brandon's initials. Then the boys told us stories about past Ouija board expieriences that were terrifying. Ed got drunk, hit on Stacy, and yelled at Brandon about killing cockroaches. "dude, cockroaches are people too." We sat around and talked and went to bed around 4 am, just to wake up at 9 for the second day of the flea market.

We went around 11, said by to the boys, it was pretty much a bummer again, and then we went to Ihop...which was delicious. Brittany and me discovered our mutual love of baked beans, and we left Phila around 2. We had plans to go to Baltimore to see Toby Foster but we were all so tired it kind of fell apart. Brittany came over for awhile, and we took really needed showers, talked, and laughed about Henry Rollins in a potato sack. I think that was the first time I realized we've actually gotten really close. I'm glad that girl's become such a big part of my life. She left around 8 and then I went over to Zoe's. We weren't there long but after being with the same people all weekend, seeing everyone else felt so good. It also reassured me again that I'm more comfortable around everyone than ever. I love my friends so, so much. I get the feeling it's going to be hard leaving once again. After everyone left there, I took Andrew home, and went over to Tyler's. Kapa was there for awhile, and I hung out just talking til after 1 in the morning. Driving home there was a strange person walking over Summit bridge in the pitch black. Scarriest shit ever.

I finally got to sleep for once, slept into one, went to do some medical insurance shit with my mom, and got invited over to Kapa's for a "pool party". Hung out over there with Andrew, Tyler, Drew, Amy, Zoe, and Maddie all night. I had a lot of fun. I guess there's not much to say, but people swam for awhile and then we just hung out in the basement all night. These kids are kind of my favorites.

I'm feeling pretty happy, more good times are on the way. Thank god. I've been doing things every day, and its not stopping. I couldn't be more glad about that. Bring more on.

002.

Saturday was 4th of July, and I'm pretty sure it's the best fourth of July I've ever had. Or at least the most fun out of any I remember. Brittany and me were supposed to go see Trash Talk/Leftover Crack in Philly but when we get to get our tickets they were all out. Brandon went back to get them the next day and they still didn't have any, which ended up being really good because Trash Talk dropped and I wasn't trying to pay $15 just for LC. I ended up going over to Garrett's for a bbq. I went and bought some soda and stuff and went over around 5, hung out with him, Bill, Amy, Drew, Zoe, Yost, and Carucci til Brittany finally got there around 6:30. Kyle, Andrew, Tyler, Sam, some girl named Jess, and Kapa all showed up at some point too. Yost set off fireworks way too close to us and I'm surprised Garrett's backyard didn't go up in flames. Weird chocolate colored stuff came out of the chair I was pushing Andrew out of and I don't remember the last time I laughed that hard. I was soo happy to see Tyler again, I didn't realize how much I missed him. Having him spot me across the hard and come up to hug me saying "MY BABY" washed away all my fears of him having changed like Andrew had me completely convinced of. After the boys spent awhile moshing around huge fireworks to Metallica everyone decided to head towards main st to watch fireworks. Tyler mentioned something about climbing on a roof to watch them so while everyone else drove to watch them, me, him, and Brittany went to Main St and climbed on the roof of Piece of Pizza and watched the fireworks together. I honestly wouldn't have wanted to spent that time anywhere else with anyone else. Getting onto the roof was one of the most ridiculous things I have ever experienced, as well as getting down. "I GOT SOMETHING WET ON ME." We were so dirty afterwards but that resulted in hilarious jokes about soap made to remove roof. "Excuse me, do you have any soap that removes roof?" Brittany and me went into Dunkin Donuts to wash our knees, then everyone met up again and sat around outside for awhile. It was the best night I've had in a while.

Sunday I worked 1-11. It was a fucking long day after not working for a month, but thats $120 for one day and it was a authentic Jewish wedding so it was kind of interesting. They had strange food, had to have sex in one of the rooms there, and did the horrah and threw people around in chairs. My legs have never been so soar from standing before though. Also, I asked my manager how to go about fixing my paychecks and she said she'd just put me down for 8 hours, which is more than I was short hahah.

Monday was Hop Along, Queen Ansleis in Baltimore. Waited all day for Stacy to get back from NY, picked her up, went and met up with Brittany, realized we forgot directions so I called Andrew to get me some. Turns out he was directly across from us at a different light with Tom so we all pulled into Wawa and got directions off of Tom's Iphone. The fact that they were right there and we ran into TOM was hilarious in itself. Stacy turned on Coke Bust in celebration. Hahah, that's all a ridiculous inside joke..but it was so perfect. We went to Dunkin Donuts for iced coffee, which we HAVE to stop doing on an empty stomach and then headed towards B-more. Not before Brittany got a call telling us there's been tons of random stabbings and shootings for gang initiations all week by the harbor, that was awesome. We took our lives into our own hands and went anyways. Stacy starting freaking out and I remember laughing for a good ten minutes straight right after we got on 95, but I have no idea at what. We got to Baltimore pretty quickly saw "Potty Hill" and all had to pee really bad. Our directions didn't exist, so we peed at a random Mcdonalds (Hot Spot), and then I drove in circles where ever I felt like I should turn and eventually found the house the show was at. It was kind of awkward the way house shows are sometimes, but we watched the first band/people and it was hot as hell so we sat on a crib outside for awhile petting a cat and talking to a little black boy who I think's name was Bathwater. Although when we asked him his name he said "nothing" and when we asked his age he said "not", then he hissed at Brittany. Another little black girl walked by and told me shes "seen my face before". I saw Jalune and got really awkward, watched a little of PS Eliot, it was really good then Hop Along played, we got to the front, and she was real good too. She just only played one old song, which kind of sucked. Afterwards, we had no idea how to get home so again..I drove around in random ways I felt right about and eventually ended up where we needed to be. We stopped at a rest stop and got muffins and got home around 2 am.

Tuesday we were all supposed to go see Hop Along again in Philly but decided it wasn't really worth it since she didn't play many songs we knew. I made plans with Zoe for later that night but sat around all day and ended up going up to Newark around 8:30. Met up with Andrew, Garrett, Carucci, Buff, Tyler, and Kapa. Garrett left, Tyler disappeared, and then me and Andrew went for a walk. Ran into Zoe, Maddie, and Drew and then me, Andrew, and Drew went to Little Caesar's. Went back to Main St and ended up sitting around Switch for awhile. I just felt like star gazing. I was in a bitchy mood, but was content with where I was at. Eventually people left, Buff decided we know each other well enough to hug, and me, andrew, drew, amy, zoe, maddie, and kyle all went back to Zoe's to tyedye. We ended up not tyedying and just hung out. Andrew decided to tell us he had no dick, hit on Zoe, and talk about how perfect he is hahah. I was obsessed with the lil pup at da house, and we took macbook pictures. It was an alright night.

Today Stace and me went to the beach. It was spontaneous and a pretty good time. She picked me up around 1, we talked for awhile, and then sang Nana Grizol all the way to Dewey. I didn't have a beach towel and she grabbed two for some reason, so it was meant to be. Things like that explain our friendship. "Tes, have I ever seen your feet before? They don't seem familiar." Hahaha we stayed til around 6, went and got Pizza, sang Wingnut at the top of our lungs, found a badass dock, drove to Target in Dover, and then got home around 8. I love my best friend.

The next few days are going to be amazing, I can't wait. July is fully living up to it's expectations. Well, mostly.

Because it only hits me at times like this.

I've been searching for happiness for what feels like my whole life now. But I can tell you the last time I truly felt it, and that was March 2008. Of course I've been happy since then, just not for an extended period of time. Now it's specific nights, for the weekend, etc. But because I remember how I left back then, I have a standard. It's the "I love my life so much it feels like my heart is going to burst right out of my chest if I smile any harder" feeling. I've been searching for it again since I lost it, and I supposed I'll never truly stop until I have it again..even if I never have it again. What's catching me off guard is that I now find myself missing the past that I wasn't even happy during. Things are good now because I'm closer with the friends I have those memories with, things are good now because I'm seeing this whole new world unwrapping in front of me of whats to come. But I'm having the sudden thoughts that things are going to be different, well obviously, but what I had the past year was good. It wasn't everything I wanted, but it was good and now it's ending and I'm not sure if I wanted it to so quickly. I've lived here almost 3 years. The first year was a story of it's own, it shaped me into who I was to become. It changed who I was my entire life and It'll always be there as one of the best years of my life. But the last two, the last two are when my life really started. I think back to everything that's happened and I can't help but miss each and every memory. I've experienced so much, and even the times I wasn't happy I've begun to miss. In less than two months, things change, and although I never plan on losing this, change is inevitable. Maybe I'm just a little scared. I don't want to give up those nights sitting behind the merch table at the grange where everyone knows my name, I don't want to give up random phone calls from Tyler to come over, I don't want to give up sitting at Dunking Donuts all night with Andrew and Garrett, I don't want to give up driving all my boys to all our shows, I don't want to give up driving these streets I'm sick of every weekend. Things are constantly changing, and it's taking a toll on my heart. 2 years of my life has gone by so fast. The past year has gone by so fast. I don't want to let anything slip by anymore. I want to make sure I tell everyone I love them enough, I want to go to every show, and I never miss out on a night worth remembering. I don't want to waste one second. If I'm going to look back and miss everything, I want it to be worth remembering. I suppose, then again the times I'm missing now weren't even the highest points to me but missing them is hurting so, so bad. Each and every person that's come into my life the past 3 years has given me things to look back on. Now I'm thinking back to the recent past and I want nothing more than to go back and relive it. I don't want to lose any of these people. Not one.

001.

The last three days have been bueno. Tonights my first night not doing anything since I've been home, I hope it's one of the only nights like so.

Tuesday I went up to my work to try and get my money, since my last two paychecks have been short but of course no one that could help me was there. I work on sunday, so I'll flip out about it then. I was in a horrible mood during the afternoon, but went home and waited for Stacy to get off work. I went over to her house, we decided to do badass things so we went in search of waterguns/balloons, googley eye stickers, and iced coffee of course. That few hours out consisted of way too much iced coffee, I thought my heart was gonna explode. We ended up in Newark at Dunkin' Donuts where Garrett kept texting me from outside and I ignored him of course. Sike, just didn't see him :\. It started raining so our eyes kind of got put on hold although we got some good ones down Main St. I love my best friend, that night was so simple but I was laughing for almost all of it. "Nana Gr" cards, Writing letters to Kevin/Paul, "Never got the hang of that college thing...that's why I'm a construction worker" "PAUL. THERES PAUL. THAT'S PAUL B. PAAAUUULLL!" "Wave at people like this......I feel like Michael Jackson" "Is it too soon to joke about that?" We went home around midnight and watched Pink Couch Session videos and felt like shit from too much caffeine, and laid in bed til 3:30 in the morning talking. Although I was doing all the talking, freaking out about loving a boy who is just a friend.

ftWednesday we woke up around 11, well Stacy woke up and then I woke up to her talking to me about her feet. We got ready, went by my house, then to pick up Brittany and sang Taylor Swift. When we left Brittany's I was moving my hand weird out the window with out realizing it and this truck with two guys waved as they went by and then when they were in front of us, started coping what I was doing with my hand. They kept going the same was as us and doing whatever we did. It was fucking hilarious/scary. We got to Philly around 3, found good parking, got lunch/dinner at Cosi, and it was fucking hot outside but at least not raining like we thought. We met up with Brandon, Stevie, and Tara at Rittenhouse and hung out there for awhile. During that time Bradon decided to tell me how much he knows about me and then the random Ethiopian dude came around. This random black guy with a hard to understand accent came up to us and apparently had been talking to them earlier. The conversation was so ridiculous I didn't know whether to fall down laughing or be scared. Thank God Stevie was there, or else I'm sure it would of been awkard since we was really the only one that was keeping a conversation with the guy. I only got about every other word but there was a lot of "ALLAH ALLAH ALLAH", but then he said he was a Christian..so who knows hahah. We saw a blind dog run into a tree and our entire group said awww in unison. Stevie had to go home to clean his room so the rest of us walked down to AKA records so Brit and me could get our Trash Talk tickets, which I'm really glad they were out of since they dropped the show and the tickets were $15 and I wasn't trying to pay that much for just Leftover Crack. After that we lost Tara and gained Dave and went to Logan Fountain and sat around there with our feet in the water talking about our cover band we're gonna make. "Khaki's Cut Short" is all I'm going to say. "Alrighta" We are so funny :) we met up with Stevie again and then drove to West Philly to attempt to sneak into Algernon's show at some tavern. We sat outside for a few hours. Brandon and Dave played some game that I don't understand, Stevie talked about his friend's tattoo that I then saw on b9 later which was fucking weird, some black guy walked by and said to us, "HEY YA'LL..ALL YA'LL..SOME MOTHA FUCKAS NEED TO DIE." I'm glad we weren't those mother fuckers, sir. We got into the show, because again, we're badasses. It was fun. Afterwards I found out Stevie was ex-braindead vocalist Stevie and started mentally freaking out and then we peaced out. It was such a fun day, I'm so excited for my Philly life.

Yesterday Drew texted me telling me to come hang out on Main St. So I picked up Andrew and went up there. Sat around Brew Haha with Those two, Garrett, and Bill for awhile. Then Nick came and the rest of the night was spent sitting in various places on or around Main Street. Nights with just me and my boys are my favorites though, I'm always so content. I would do that every night if I got texts like that every night. Only eating the red skittles, "hey, has everyone ever told you that you look like the guy from twilight?", Obama works at Mayflower, Nick and Andrew always kissing. Since my sunroof doesn't feel like closing, we had to bust a mission and cover it somehow when it started raining. Nick and me tried to force it closed but it wasn't having it. So Garrett became my knight in shinning armor and bought trash bags and tape and covered the roof so at least me/my car wouldnt end up soaked if I kept raining. :) Hung out til around 11:30, then took Garrett and Andrew home. I lovelovelovelovelovelovloevleovleolveolveol my friends. I want to see these people every day from now until I move. I can never get enough.

1

First day back, first night out. It wasn't everything I'd hoped for. But just driving around this state felt good. It's not the most amazing place, it's not the most fun or the place I'd ever want to spend the rest of my life. But it's the place that the things that hold my heart resides. I can't help but feel good to be back. I woke up pretty late, got ready, and went up to Main Street around 7. I was going to hang out with Andrew and Zoe but a lot more people were there. I spent awhile sitting around Dunkin Donuts with those two, Kapa, Garrett, Cone, Brian, Joanna, and some other dude that I didn't know was there for a bit. I was in a pretty quiet mood, which I wasn't counting on. What I really wanted to do was see Andrew and Garrett again and run up and hug them because I never want to leave this place for so long again, but it wasn't the situation I was hoping for. Then I got my hopes all let down and continued to be pretty quiet. I have to knock myself out of this mood. I'm home, I'm with the people I love the most again, I'm happy. Walked around more with Zoe, Andrew, and Kapa and left about two hours later. I'm glad I went out, but I can't wait for the excitement to start. I'm happy to see Stace tomorrow.

Of course you, of course you, of course you.

I could say so so much about everything lately. Instead I'll say that I don't know what to make of your sudden change. This is going to be so bad for my heart.

July

July, july, july. I can't wait for July.

Nothing is good lately. Not even just because I'm here, I'm just not happy and I couldn't tell you why. I don't want this to ruin summer, I'm just hoping as soon as I get home I snap out of it, hug the ones the mean the most, and start living my life again. The amazing one I feel lucky to call my own. July and August have so much going on, I just feel this attitude I've had sucking every last bit of hope out of me. I really, really can't give in to feeling this way 24/7 again..I've already spent far too many months like that and I don't want to lose any more to it.

I just want to get home, get to Phila, hang out with Stace&Brit and that's about it. I am over absolutely everything else. My boys are the only other thing that matter, but I have to distance myself from the girls they choose to bring around. I'll still be here, I just don't want to be a part of that.

Happy Birthday Daddy, you'd be 44 today. This fucking sucks. It always sucks. It'll never be easier, in fact it's only proven to get harder. I miss you every second I live and always will.

I wouldn't be upset if a huge tidal wave devoured this entire place once I'm gone. I always feel the same, I always hate this place and these people and it makes me miserable. I can't wait to come home. If home is where your heart is, this is definitely not home.

This distance just makes me remember why I love my east coast friends even more. These people are good people, but no one's ever made me feel so loved and at home and free as everyone back there. I sit with an old best friend, someone who was once like family and it's good. But while I'm sitting here 3,000 miles from where my life now resides, I can't help but feel the connection there being so much stronger. I never knew how real a friendship could be. I see Stacy, Tyler, Andrew..all the faces I know so well run through my head. All my boys, Garrett and Bill and even the people who aren't around so much anymore. And I wonder how I ever functioned with out. It's so insane being back here, I never expected it to feel as weird as it does. But it's still nothing special to me. Although I can now see the appeal with more open eyes, it still doesn't appeal to me. I remember things always falling apart here, I remember always feeling like something important was missing, like this wasn't right, like this wasn't it. I remember sitting on my couch crying to my mom about how my friends weren't enough, how this wasn't enough. Then I got to Delaware, and all those feelings disappeared. Everything I had been searching for, I found. Everything I saw in my head that I knew was right but probably sounded completely insane, was right there in Delaware waiting. I now LIVE the life I used to dream about. It's not perfect, but when I moved that huge whole inside of me that was created by always feeling like this wasn't right for me was filled. And that's all I ever think about while I'm here, how much that meant, how much those people hold my heart, and how I could never let it go. It was the best thing that ever happened to me and always will be. I gush to my old friends about my new friends. I know they don't care, and how could they when they don't know? But I know I've never talked about them in that way. It's just hard not to smile when I'm talking about the best people I've ever met.

This wasn't even where I wanted this entry to go, I wanted to keep up to date on my trip. Maybe I'll get to that later, but I guess it's just easier to type what comes out on it's own.

It's weird being here because while this is my home, it stopped really being home almost 3 years ago and it feels weird because I've never had the urge to look back. I know where my heart is.

I am fucking done with you. And you. And everything that has to do with you. And everyone you hang out with. I don't care what I miss out on, I don't care I don't care I don't care. I'll go through life secluding myself with the 3 friends if that's what it takes to know what true friends are. I will always love you, I will always miss the past, I will always cherish the memories and best times of my life. But FUCK I just can't take shitty friends anymore. Everyday you're more self involved, everyday it's more about you. And everyone just keeps proving how lacking they are in being a good person. I really don't think it's hard. I just will never understand convenient or subjective friendships. I'm done, goodbye.

I don't know how anyone can ever get over someone dying. No matter how much time, how many years go by...this will always, always hurt.

When people I don't like call me Tes, it makes me want to kick them in the teeth. Nicknames are reserved for people I love.


Last night was mewithoutYou's Album Release show. It was beyond wonderful, even if a little sad. (SO much better than the Newark show. They were missing something that day.) That is still my favorite band.
I spoke to Aaron Weiss afterwards and gave him a hug, I admire that man more than I'd think possible. He makes me feel like it's alright to believe whatever I believe. I wish I could be as genuinely good of a person as him. After the show Stacy and me walked to the fountain and sat around talking til around 2 am. I love that girl, my closest thing to a best friend, I love mwy, I love Philadelphia. This summer is going to make some lasting memories.

no title

I never update as much as I'd like. I really want to start writing about everything again, just so I'll always be able to go back and read about times I otherwise may have forgotten. And even if I haven't forgotten them, I definitely won't be able to feel how I did back when they first happened. I want to be able to read about things years later and be able to relive them for a few minutes, however pointless that may be. So, I'm going to start trying to do that more again.

Last night I went with Andrew B and Nick to see Moving Mountains in Philly. They were absolutely mind blowing. I don't even like using the word epic because it's so overused now, but that's the only way to describe it. You know a band is good live when they play almost all songs you don't know, but you still thought it was amazing. Which is what happened, they played all new songs from their EP that just came out, and only one old one. But the kind of music they play just being blasted into your face like that, it was still, well..amazing.

I've been working a lot lately, and I hate it. The only thing that keeps me going is that I hate being broke like I am right now and after all this, my next two paychecks are going to be great. Which reminds me, I need to finish Eric's mixes today to take to work tomorrow (at 6 am, again :( )

Other than that, in the past few weeks and lately:
- Since like December I've slowly lost 20 lbs. I feel like the next 20 is going to be easier only because I've gotten progressively better at eating and working out more, I've just been slacking lately on the gym because I've been at work most nights and waking up early is just not an option. That'll change soon, because I'd like the rest of the weight gone through out summer and especially by the time I move to Philly. No matter what it takes.
- Stacy and Brittany are home for summer, I can't wait til we all have a little more cash and better weather. I know we're going to get into so much in the next few months.
-I don't think Sound and Fury is happening anymore, although I'll still probably be in California around that time. It kind of depends on if Ashley wants to go with me or not. I'm not all that bummed since This Is Hardcore is going to be so good this year anyways. I know for sure I need a trip out to California though, and Arizona for at least a few days too. I just don't know when, I feel like time this summer isn't very abundant. Not with shows limiting the time inbetween, most of June being tour, not wanting to be away during my birthday, and having to be home for TIH and moving to Philly only a few days after that. I hope I can fit in everything I want to do, but either way being that busy is going to make for some amazing memories.
-On Tuesday Tyler and me went to a secret Fireworks show in a West Philly. It was in the same Basement I saw Defeater a few months ago. I love seeing Fireworks, but I'm pretty sure I'll go to see them in Baltimore whenever possible from now on. The wigger Chester kids always show up to their Philly shows and completely ruin it.
-Last Sunday The Sleeping and Paulson played the Grange. I went and hung out with Liz and (her)Lauren. I hadn't seen them in so long, it's always a good time. Although the show was so empty that Paulson wasn't as fun as usual and The Sleeping played almost all new songs, I still respect that band a lot though..which isn't something I say too often. The strange part was hanging out with them and Kyle at the same time. It didn't feel awkward but just thinking about it in my mind..never in my life would I have believed someone if they told me one day I'd be standing with Liz on one side and Kyle to my other in harmony. My. Life.
-Brittany and me went to see Defiance, Ohio and earlier in the day us+Stacy walked 400 miles to Gianna's. I love that city, that band, that food, those girls. The show was sooo good, even though I really only listen to things on Share What Ya Got most of the time. I've been listening to more lately though, seeing a band play songs live can always do that for me.
-I haven't been hanging out with many people lately, probably because I've been working a good amount and the people I have felt like seeing aren't the usual. I just can't get down with some of the crowds my best friends are with. I do see Melissa once in awhile, I also feel a lack of my boys being in my life..mostly due to a lack of shows we'd all go to and a lack of their shows. I just recently noticed Garrett's absence in my life, I got kind of used to going somewhere with him like once a week. I'm still not trying to concern myself with friendships much though, I'm still trying to remember how to be okay on my own. Which seems to be working, at least a little. I'm not as miserable as usual at all.

CAN'T WAIT TIL I'M NOT SURROUNDED BY 16 YEAR OLDS ALL THE TIME.

Now everything's imaginary, especially what you love.





So much has gone. But sometimes so little. While I'm out and about I have thoughts that I want to write (or type, I suppose) but whenever I actually have the time, I lose the urge.


I've been feeling so lost and so found at the same time lately. I'm not sure what to make of it yet, but I'm feeling like the answers aren't too far away. One thing I am sure of though, is for the first time I truely decided to take someones advice, and I did, and it worked. I had become so dependent on others for my happiness. That needed to stop, and it did. I've detached myself enough to the point where I can get to know myself again, where I can stand my own company and not think of myself by the company I keep but by who I am when it's just that..just me. The trick now is finding the balance between distancing myself from the dependency I created but with out pushing the people I became dependent on away, because I still want them around..I just don't want to NEED them around to function properly.

Tonight made up for spending the rest of the weekend alone. I love my Philly life and can't wait until it starts. Peace outttttttt Dela, no fucking care.


Rittenhouse park, dance party shows that make you feel dizzy when the floors gonna collapse, arm swinging fetishes, french vanilla iced coffees, swimming in logan square fountain with Algernon Cadwallader and Good Luck.

I love Stac Horn and Brit Slope.



seriously...so good.

The only time I've felt content in weeks is while I'm in Philadelphia. That has to mean something. Even with no destination, just walking around center city, I'm alive.

The new mewithoutYou album.. so far it's good. It's not Brother, Sister and it's definitely not Catch For Us the Foxes. It'll grow on me. Or at least I hope, because I could never not love this band.

Oh and I never want to forget this:
Kate: "What band are you talking about?"
Me: "Cut Short, my best friends' band."
Stacy: "Yeah, my band. We're strongly influenced by Coke Bust."

Hahahahaha<3

The more I think about it, the more I can't wait to get out of Delaware. These people don't think for themselves at all. I can't wait to be in the city with so many people, and less of the everyone knows each other thing, less of everyone following the same trends.

this is for the hearts still beating

I had a few shitty days where I was losing my mind, but things have turned around a bit. Saturday night was good, I wasn't in that great of a mood and was pretty indecisive about if I wanted to do anything at all, but I pushed myself into it. And things usually turn out better than expected when I do that. Garrett was randomly into the idea of a Philly trip, so we went. We ate dinner at Gianna's, which IS better than GOvinda's but I love them both. We mostly just walked around most of the night, and also came upon some loud techno music and followed it, and found a tiny alley with a random rave dance party going on. After we left and I took him home I met up with a bunch of my favorite faces on Main street. Then I picked up a really drunk Melissa and drove around with her for like 20 minutes because she "really, really missed me" hahah. It was an eventful night, and anytime I'm just walking around the city I'm completely content.

My better moods being back might have something to do with the idea of June 11th-21st. I am going to be one happy person. Going on tour with Cut Short. Finally. Then I've also figured out how to have enough money for Sound and Fury and my cross country road trip with Garrett. Both of my dreams are coming true this summer, in the matter of only a few months. Things are coming together.

My sister is back to finish out the school year and I'm going to take her to see the Hannah Montana movie tonight.

"I need a purpose and I need a reason. I need to know that there is trophy, and meaning."

I want to go out and enjoy the good weather, but there's no one I'd want to spend my time with. What's wrong with me? I hate everyone right now, what a piece of shit.

Pessimist forever. As much as I try for the other.

The second hardest time of my life was brought on by the fact that I couldn't convince myself that I was good enough. Because I couldn't convince myself that I had something to offer. Because I couldn't get past my insecurities, jealousy, heartbreak. I couldn't step up, be the friend I could be, and say "Hey, this isn't what I wanted but you can't help it. I still love you and I'm going to do what I can to keep you in my life and be here the way it's meant to be." Because I over thought every little move, because I couldn't stand not to get my way, because I analyzed the entire situation and it consumed my thoughts. I got over it eventually, even if it did hurt like hell.

But this time around, the situation however similar, is also so much different. I never gave you my heart in the way I did in the previous story. I gave you my heart in a way that can't be given back. Because no matter that friendships end, you never want that little piece of heart back. It's never regretted. Every best friend that steps into your life had a purpose and a reason, no matter how short or long lived their stay was. So my heart is theirs, my heart is yours forever. You are attached to me like a limb, you're a part of who I am. I wouldn't want to go day by day without our friendship and because of this, this situation would turn out so much worse. I can't let myself drag it down with insecurities, I can't let myself feel anything other than happiness, I can't let myself analyze and whine over outcomes. I can't let myself destroy the things that mean the most because I'm not getting my way. And I can see it happening. The story unfolding is all too familiar, I can see the pages slowly turning in my thoughts..and I just want to rip the book to shreds. The thought of this turning out the way it did last time..it would break me to the point of no return. I got over it once after days, weeks, months past. I wouldn't be as lucky this time.

twm

How do you know me better than I know myself? You seem to have a grasp on the way my mind works in a way even I don't understand. These tears rolling down my face are proof that you're not going anywhere. Thank you, you have no idea how much I love you.

This feeling is unbearable and I don't know where it came from. I need so much more than this.

4109

Last night was one of the best nights of the year. I can't entirely pin point why, it's just nights when I'm left with this one specific feeling. It's not even that amazing of a feeling, it's just genuine happiness. Optimism. Being happy seems like it should come easier, but it doesn't. So when a night rolls around where nothing is bringing me down, and when I leave and the exciting parts are over but I'm still completely fine..those are the nights that go down with the best in my book.

Anyways, my day and night consisted of waking up and getting ready, baking all the cupcakes for the night to accompany the cookies and brownies I baked the night before, and then decorated them all for CUT SHORT'S record release. I bake a ridiculous amount and by the end of the night every single last crumb was gone, it was a bigger success than I thought it'd be. And AJ told me if I start baking tons of Vegan things for his shows that he'll pay me. I guess Culinary school may be a good choice for me. We got to the show around 4:30, unloaded and chilled. SO MANY PEOPLE CAME OUT, and i've never seen that many people get into the set to date and the amount of merch I sold was ridiculous. I feel like a proud mom, I get so happy for my boys. Worlds, War Pigs, Strength For A Reason, Dead and Buried, and Mother of Mercy were the rest of the lineup. Not one band disappointed. After the show I took Tyler home and chilled with him and Orion for a bit and then went back down to Middletown around midnight to hang out with Stacy and Brittany. I love those girls so much and after last night, I'm so excited for what next year is going to consist of. And there's already talk of an apartment a year from now. We were up til about 5 in the morning just being completely ridiculous, I had tears rolling down my face a good portion of the time due to immense amounts of laughter and those are always the best times. This morning, or afternoon to be honest, we woke up, made pancakes, and had a candle lit breakfast. It was cute.

For the first time in a long time, I'm happy. And not just right now, in general. I've felt what I thought could be happiness again a few times in the past few months. But this is something different, and I have my hope back which is something I thought might of been gone for good.

ARE WE GOOD FRIENDS OR NOT? It's taken us so long to be close, and it's been so good lately. Don't change it now, make up your goddamn mind.

I don't want your money, I don't want your favors, I don't want your repayments. I would do any and all of this because I WANT to, because theres no few people I care more about, because it makes me feel warm to see you smile. I would do any and all of this completely for free if you would just give me a little recognition or a thank you and a love you.

Something changed inside me this weekend. I can feel it. There is so much to say and I'll get to it at some point- I'm nostalgic already and it hasn't even been 24 hours yet.

Mourning.

You're still very present in my life, but I've been mourning the loss of our friendship for so long now. I don't know how I can ever get over the fact that things will never be the same. I don't know how I can ever accept that.

Stricly business.

Last week:

Tuesday was Title Fight and Fireworks at Charm City Art Space in Baltimore with Garrett, Tyler, and Andrew B. If I had to be with anyone, it would be those three boys. The drive there I thought I was going to leave Andrew at the rest stop, and there was a ridiculous amount of cops on 95, but who cares cause the show was SO solid. That was my first time going to CCAS and MANNN do I love basement shows. I actually got into the crowd, which isn't something I find myself doing that often anymore. Title Fight is one of those bands I will never get sick of seeing, and that's probably the same for Fireworks too. Fireworks set was a lot of fun, even though we were in a hurry because of Tyler's curfew. We got back to Dela around 11:30, dropped Tyler off, but didn't feel like going home. So we went to Main Street for a little while. While at Dunkin' Donuts we got yelled at by some random dude about waking his Grandma up and stood in the most awkward situation ever. You probably had to be there, but I couldn't help but start laughing and we all had to walk away. Hahah, I love the shit that I attract.

During one of the bands, we were all outside and walked to my car, during that time we noticed a bunch of cars on the side of the street we parked on window's were completely smashed out. Thankfully my car was fine, but not before we all looked at each other, Tyler goes, "Tesla..." and we run towards my car. Some guy that worked in the place in front of where it happened said some boys in a Chevy truck were just going by and hitting them with a baseball bat. Seriously, fuck Baltimore.

The next night Garrett and me had tickets for Paint It Black, but he ended up not being able to go. So after trying to find someone to give his ticket to forever, I finally ended up meeting Joey at the Ottobar. It was cool hanging out with him since although we've been around each other a bunch we've never gotten the chance to just talk one on one. He's an awesome dude. Anyways, I remembered how much I love that venue. The stage may be a little high, but I didn't mind at all and it's a decent size but most importantly the sound is absolutely great. We missed most of Ruiner's set but I'm almost kind of glad I didn't have to wait very long for PIB to play. They were so so soooo good. Definitely one of the most fun shows I've been too. I haven't listened to Propagandhi much, but they were decent and the show got insane. During their set I ended up standing directly in the middle of some girl trying to fight some guy, hahah.

Friday was Cut Short's show at UD. For almost absolutely no reason, I was in a fantastic mood this day/night and had a wonderful time. I went up to Newark early and gave Andrew B. a ride to Main Street and then went over to Tyler's. We hung out there for a while and he made me try this new tea. Delllliciousss. Then we loaded up his drums, went to the free show on Madison for a bit (but there was way too much cigarette smoke in there for either of us to handle and it was pretty chilly just standing outside) so we went to Pita Pit, drove around, and basically occupied our time before doors opened at the Perkins Center. Eventually we went over there, and then ran into a million and one friendly faces and everyone just hung out and all the bands were awesome and I sat wif mah merch and just had a great time. That always happens when there's so many good friends around, and so many different groups of them. I got to see Brittany and Laurie!! Afterward we all went to the Eagle Diner- me, Tyler, Bill, Garrett, Ben, Joey, Andrew B, Nick M, Eddie, Jess, Kyle H, Zoe, Shannon, Maddie, Josh, Megan, and Rich. Tyler and me had to leave pretty soon cause he had a curfew again, so I took him home and unloaded his drums and then met up with Melissa and Andrew F at the shopping center. We didn't know what to do so just decided to meet up in Middletown. Some how I made it from Newark to Middletown in 18 minutes and was there like 10 minutes before them- un freaking heard of. We still didn't know what to do so we just went back to Andrews and ate Apple Jacks and watched You Tube videos. I loved that night so much.

Saturday Garrett and me decided to hang out, so we went to Main Street and hung out, visted Eddie at Brew Haha, and waited for our movie to start and then went to see Watchmen at the Newark theater. Movie was AWESOME, although way way longer than I expected. I had a good time though. Then Sunday we went to Wilkes-Barre, PA which was like 2.5 hours away (although we got home ridiculously fast somehow) for Title Fight, Balance and Composure, and Tigers Jaw. I can't tell you how happy it makes me to finally have a friend like Garrett who'll drive ridiculously far distances to see bands we were/are completely likely to see again, just BECAUSE. I've needed someone like that for awhile. The show was wonderful, and it was definitely a good night. GOOD WEEKEND altogether. I just need them like that on repeat and maybe I'd be happy again forever.


Last night was Defeater/Energy in West Philly. Went with Bill and Garrett and it ended up being in some tiny, tiny basement. All the bands that played were awesome, Defeater blew my mind and I like them even more now if it's possible. Totally stoked on that band and have been for months. I had to pee the entire show so after their set I went off on a mission for a bathroom and Bill came with me so we just started walking in a random direction and OF COURSE ended up where I knew somewhere to go hahah. We were just a few blocks from the Party!Mansion...rip :( I don't really care for Energy but their set was alright. Oh, not to mention we all got away without paying for the show.


I finally worked again this week after like no work for 3 weeks, and for the first time actually started a conversation with Eric. I can feel myself opening up to more people and it reminds me of the progression I've made and I'm glad to be feeling like that person again.

The last few weeks have been sick, I hope they only continue. I love my friends, I love the way I live, I just have to stay up like this.