the last time

I've done all that I can do and now it's all up to you.
I feel like I've been in this position far too many times, but this time it's a bit different. I have to remind myself of so many things, like how ugly jealousy is and no matter what you're doing I was still the girl you'd come pick up just to watch movies, who you'd lean over and kiss on the forehead in the car. And that if we had said goodbye for the summer, it'd be like this anyways.

The outcomes are clear. I'm more than aware (and how I wish I wasn't) that I'll spend my summer missing you, a little more sad in every situation than I would be if you were here. But the simple fact is that I have to deal with it, you're not here and I have to get over it- because I can't and won't know how the future is going to be when you're back, until you're back; And for all I know the time between now and then is indefinite.

I'm just waiting to be able to sleep. Waiting to be able to shut my eyes and rest easy. That can't be asking too much, I'm not asking to fall asleep smiling like I used to.

Being back in Asheville has my sense of time completely distorted. Almost six weeks have passed since those goodbye kisses on the front steps, but since I've been back I still catch myself hoping to run into you downtown when I'm walking alone; Waiting to see you with a banjo in your lap sitting on some sidewalk. I'm walking around this little city wishing I could walk to that house I was almost always sure to find you, sit down on the couch next to you and wait for a kiss and a night of Firefly. I'm waiting for you to walk in the kitchen and when I act flustered and busy, you grab my arm and pull me in to you.

I can't fall asleep because those few weeks play through my head. Going to bed in that tiny room, on that tiny twin mattress, having tickle fights like middle school crushes. The nights you'd walk an hour or more just to see me, show up drenched in sweat at midnight, all to sit with me and you didn't care if I felt like being quiet. Walking to the store, sharing forties and never ceasing to remind you that you "owe me a million". The days we'd plan the next day, adventures to take place that week and how I never stopped being surprised that you'd want to spend all your time with me. I was always waiting for you to get bored. Most of all I'm watching the rain wishing to go back to those afternoons of thunderstorms, sitting on that porch hand in hand.

It all happened too quickly and easily but I mean it more than I mean anything that this was different than ever before. The moment I saw you, the moment we were first introduced, I knew I needed to know you. And every moment after proved me right.

All those words.
All the adorable things you never ceased to say before we fell asleep.
"Can I tell you a secret?" "Yes" "It's not really a secret" "What is it!" "I think you're really cute, every thing you do is cute."
"All the sweet peas are by the highway, so I guess we can't really eat them." "No sweet peas for us ever." "Except you........ HA GOT YOU! Yes, the sweetest sweet pea of them all."

"I still don't know what it is." "What?" "That thing about you." "What are you talking about?" "There's just something about you, and I don't know what it is. But it's still there and its been there since before we even spoke. I just knew I had to get to know that girl, like I had no choice in it. And it's still there."

"Sure am gonna miss you".


I'm going to drive myself crazy, the chances are so high. But maybe I'm already there. Or maybe this is all a part of it; Getting over you without really getting over you, realizing how amazing those times were and how if it's supposed to return to the same once we're in the same place at the same time again, it will.

The fact now is that my heart is broken without you even meaning to break my heart. You're just out exploring the world and I wish it would have worked out better, or that we had met sooner and had more than a few weeks of so many good things. And now I'm just here, hoping you're having the time of your life, but anticipating your return.

My heart is far from my body. States and disconnect. I'm learning how to let go without a bad ending- I've never had to do this before, and without letting too far go. But I'm learning to do so, so that I can live my own life again, so that I can be happy with or without anyone else. I'm glad I have the summer because I feel like it's going to take that much time, if not longer. But if I can do this, if I can stop falling apart long enough to put myself back together enough to stick, then when the time comes everything will be even better than before. At least I can hope, and that's better than the sheer desperation of feeling like nothing could ever possibly be okay again- and that's a feeling I've become far too familiar with lately. I'm crawling back from rock bottom here, and I'm hardly off the ground yet. But I'm trying so hard to be done now, there's a long road waiting outside my house and a heavy door to pull open to get there first.

saddrweirdr

I can't spend my summer ending up collapsing on my hardwood floor, wine drunk and crying. I can't let this summer pass me by.

A few nights ago Amanda asked who I had been talking to on the phone earlier in the day (Melissa) and when I asked why, her response was, "Because you were laughing so hard, and it was so nice. I don't know the last time I truly heard you laugh." I realize these things, but to know they're apparent from the outside as well is just sad.

I feel like this was all so much more clear in my head, and so much more lengthy. But as most days, there's just too many thoughts to be able to get them all out clearly.

$2.31

Around 8 pm we were sitting at the top of these bleachers on a hill, watching the baseball game below. Everything felt horrible, but during that time I received a text message, from someone who's important to me despite how little of a time I've known them and how we're still figuring out how the other works as a person, and it made me feel better than anyone closer to me, myself, or my mother could. All I needed was for someone to understand how I feel about at least one aspect of all the weight of different things that I'm going through. I didn't have to say anything, she just knew. She knows my heart is broken and I think those words I read unexpectedly are going to be the beginning of the push to let go of whatever this is and know that the outcome will reveal itself eventually and there's nothing I can do about it until then; Except fight. Fight to be happy, fight to get to the place I want to be, fight to be okay no matter what happens, fight for the friendships with the people I care most about. I'm not ready yet, but eventually.

Eventually because I'm still trying to figure out how to wake up and not feel disappointed. To feel like I can fake it enough for it to become real. Later last night Sascha split a percocet with me. It scares me how good it made me feel. Just a little while ago I picked up a shirt in our laundry room that's been sitting there for a while- I was overwhelmed with his scent. There are some things I just can't handle.

1111

I've been perpetually waiting. Waiting for a phone call, waiting to feel better, waiting to know what to do. Just waiting. And now it's come to my attention that it's time to stop, but with stopping comes mending a broken heart that I didn't expect my summer to consist of. More of the time than not I feel like collapsing, like I don't even have it in me to hold myself up, like even something as simple as standing is too much.

While I watch people I care about in different places but together, having the time of their lives, I'm here unbelievably alone. Starting to think about letting go but not knowing how to even start.

I have lost absolutely everything that was once mine.

&

Silence and silence and silence and silence...

blow in

Contrary to my dramatics, I guess I can still have fun sometimes. Like last night, I made cupcakes and bummed around my house until finally Sascha asked if I wanted to make dinner. Doing things helps to ease my busy mind and I don't feel quite so horrible anymore. We made really good pasta with a sauce from scratch and walked to the corner store for beer. Around 10:30 we decided to go downtown, I was pretty indecisive but keep telling myself it's summer and I don't need to go to sleep at 11 every night. MaryClaire was over and had a bike rack so we put our bikes on it and got a ride downtown, we biked to Xylophone park but Evan and Sarah went home already but Nable called and invited us over to 40 Congress because this person Alexay's going away party. So we biked over there, and even though I'm still getting used to biking these hills I can feel myself falling head over heels for summer night bike rides. We got to Congress and I met a few new people and actually felt like talking for once. Maybe that's what I need, more new folks that I haven't fallen into a rut with that actually interest me. I met a really cool person named Caleb and he talked to me a lot. There was a keg and Sascha and I got pretty drunk. I talked to Bursts, Nable and Wednesday some too. They're all really nice people. After awhile we decided to head home and rode in the back of Nable's truck with our bikes and it was a silly ride. After we got home, Lloyd was over hanging out with Erica, and Amanda and her friend Mooj were home too. Sascha, Mooj, Amanda and I played cards/Presidents and Assholes for an hour or two and drank some more beer. I woke up this morning not feeling quite so shitty. I don't really know what to do with myself and I feel like I'm starting to forget things I don't want to forget but part of me feels like that's my only other option. If I don't see him, I have to forget him or I'll spend my whole summer holding myself back.

loosing teeth

The minute I stepped off the bus at a rest stop in Virginia and felt the South, I didn't feel better but I felt right. Who knew I'd be this much more content being back at my house. I'll be leaving again soon but I think I'll be more prepared and better off this time because while Philly made me realize I've lost a lot, it also reminded me of how much I love all that I've gained this year despite the constant struggle with finding my place within it all.

But it's a great feeling to open the door to my house and get a response I don't even get from friends back home. "HOLY SHIT YOU'RE HERE WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE I MISSED YOU SO MUCH" and the biggest hug in the world, followed by more hugs and kisses and "I really missed you"'s. I have a best friend I didn't even know 6 months ago. A boy that I was looking for for a long time who I'll see in just a few more days. Receive phone calls from people in my favorite bands asking me to set up their shows and call them back just to talk. I don't know how anything will turn out, or where anything is going but thank g-d I came back here. I wasn't sure I was ever going to see the positive ever again.

this time, this year

This time last year I had already had some of my most memorable moments of Summer 2010. This time last year I had could lay in the grass anywhere, even places I didn't entirely want to be, as long as I was with my best friends drinking icees and I could feel so free and content and happy no matter what the circumstance. This time last year I had so much to look forward to, when I already had so much.

This time this year, Summer has yet to feel like it's begun. In some senses it's felt like Summer forever, and maybe that's part of the problem; Maybe summer loses it's meaning when your life can feel like summer all the time. But it doesn't feel like it's begun in the sense where I look back and already had so many amazing experiences, it doesn't feel like I have so much too look forward to still when I don't even know what I'm doing, where I'm headed or what to expect (not in the good way). It doesn't feel like this time this year is going to compare at all to the last, even when I know those times now wouldn't mean quite as much as they did then. I guess I just expect progression in every Summer being better than the last, and maybe that's part of the problem and maybe that's just my fault. It does however feel like summer is going to end before it begins and that scares the living hell out of me.


Coming home and realizing it's not home anymore is a strange feeling to cope with and not one I usually choose to; But it's even more hard realizing the place you're more comfortable is somewhere you're hardly comfortable at all.

Where am I going?

oh you

This wasn't supposed to be how I felt here. I'm wasting the days waiting for you, because I know my happiness will reflect in your blue eyes once you're in front of me. But I don't want to rest things turning around on the dependability of someone else no matter how much better they make me feel. Yet every day you're not here is one more day it gets harder and harder. I didn't expect it to get harder, I didn't expect to feel as bad as I did months ago. I wasn't happy where I was and I'm not happy where I went, and I'm beginning to think the good moments are just and far between the majority of my life being the opposite.

I have one more try, one more attempt to find what I'm searching for. As soon as your here and you take my hand and take me somewhere I've never been before, far away from anything I could call home.