Moving into an apartment in Philly in November after Fest/Florida. Finally back to my city. Finally home.
For now at least.
I'm excited to spend christmas-time around the city.
Walking through snow storms with Stace, the decorated city and baking vegan Christmas cookies.
--
You were in my dreams again last night. I'm not sure why you pop up every so often. Especially when you weren't even on my mind as I was falling asleep, infact someone else was entirely. This one was different than usual, it was nice. I think it's my fear of rejection, the fear that comes from how right the dreams feel.
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Some things are always relevant.
"My songs about contentment so far always end in verbs. Like 'drive', or 'run', or go to sleep, the damage has been done."
1m
I locked myself in the bathroom at my mom's house today, because it was the only place I could be alone here since I lack a bedroom. I felt like I needed to cry or throw up, and I wasn't leaving that room again until one or the other happened. Before I knew it my face was soaking wet. I couldn't place what this sick to my stomach feeling was, and then I realized it's homesickess. Very real homesickness that I haven't actually felt to this extreme since I was 8 years old, leaving for summer camp and the bus drove away before I got to say bye to my mom.
It can't get any worse right? I just feel lost, once again. I am lacking any sort of plan and I need one. For once I'm feeling this desperate desire to be the self suffieceint twenty year old I am and do some growing up. This doesn't mean giving anything I love up, just starting to figure things out instead of always putting it off. I'm sure I'm capable of doing that AND feigning responsibility at the same time, if anyone ever was. I'm full of ideas, but at a total loss as to how to put anything into action.
I just want to come home. Albeit I'll leave again shortly there after, but in such a different way and setting. Being in California never brings me any good. I should of known better than to leave in the first place. My instincts always tell me what's right and what's not, and I went against them because getting out of my grandma's house was right too. I will never go back there. Maybe this was right, (to get me out of a shitty house, to make me realize things) but I'd liked to have spared myself feeling like this.
It can't get any worse right? I just feel lost, once again. I am lacking any sort of plan and I need one. For once I'm feeling this desperate desire to be the self suffieceint twenty year old I am and do some growing up. This doesn't mean giving anything I love up, just starting to figure things out instead of always putting it off. I'm sure I'm capable of doing that AND feigning responsibility at the same time, if anyone ever was. I'm full of ideas, but at a total loss as to how to put anything into action.
I just want to come home. Albeit I'll leave again shortly there after, but in such a different way and setting. Being in California never brings me any good. I should of known better than to leave in the first place. My instincts always tell me what's right and what's not, and I went against them because getting out of my grandma's house was right too. I will never go back there. Maybe this was right, (to get me out of a shitty house, to make me realize things) but I'd liked to have spared myself feeling like this.
Sunday, September 26, 2010
the city tries to take it away
i need to get back to the point where nothing anyone says or does can faze me. where nothing makes me feel awkward because i just don't care. everything is way more fun and easier then. rather than the times when i'm not at the point and i feel totally weird and uncomfortable in my own skin in so many situations.
i blame you.
i blame you.
Friday, September 24, 2010
Home.
I left 28 days ago, 29 in a few short hours.
This is the longest I've ever been away from the East Coast since I moved there over 4 years ago now.
Home is not the place where you're from. Not even slightly.
This is the longest I've ever been away from the East Coast since I moved there over 4 years ago now.
Home is not the place where you're from. Not even slightly.
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
11/01
I think one of the most comforting things in the world is talking to a friend who has known you since you were 11 years old. A friend you've had for 9 years. A friend that's absolutely nothing like you, and hasn't been for quite some time. A friend that you talk to maybe once every three months now, and even then it's rarely more than a simple checking in. But it never changes. You still feel like you know the other just as well as you always have. And despite all your differences in opinions, choices, lifestyles and interests, for some strange reason there's still something there that clicks between the two of you. Some unexplained connection that allows two people that are as close to polar opposite you can get to understand one another and never lose that ability and bond.
From jumping on your trampoline and looking for ufos at 11 years old, to summers after 8th grade sitting in the car that would one day be yours late at night listening to some top 40 radio station, to naps on your couch after school and to too many nights laying on your kitchen floor talking as the sun rose sophomore year, to suprise visits for my 16th birthday, to rides to the airport and getting drunk together for the first time at 18, to 20 year olds sending text messages always remembering each others birthday every year.. it's easy to see some things are forever.
As completely detached as I feel from most of my past, these are quite possibly my fondest memories from those years. 15 years old and spending every moment with you. Sitting on your kitchen counters, eating ramen. Playing jepoardy with your family and feeling at home. There's some nights I would give anything to go back.
In May of 2006 I wrote you a letter. I was scared you were going to be mad I was considering leaving you alone. I told you about my choices. You told me to go. To move to the east coast. You told me you loved me and you'd miss me but that it was where I needed to be. You are one of the biggest reasons I've lived the life I have the past 4+ years now. I don't think I ever thanked you. So.. thank you, Kellie. Thank you for letting me go see what it actually meant to be alive.
"Old friend, hold on."
From jumping on your trampoline and looking for ufos at 11 years old, to summers after 8th grade sitting in the car that would one day be yours late at night listening to some top 40 radio station, to naps on your couch after school and to too many nights laying on your kitchen floor talking as the sun rose sophomore year, to suprise visits for my 16th birthday, to rides to the airport and getting drunk together for the first time at 18, to 20 year olds sending text messages always remembering each others birthday every year.. it's easy to see some things are forever.
As completely detached as I feel from most of my past, these are quite possibly my fondest memories from those years. 15 years old and spending every moment with you. Sitting on your kitchen counters, eating ramen. Playing jepoardy with your family and feeling at home. There's some nights I would give anything to go back.
In May of 2006 I wrote you a letter. I was scared you were going to be mad I was considering leaving you alone. I told you about my choices. You told me to go. To move to the east coast. You told me you loved me and you'd miss me but that it was where I needed to be. You are one of the biggest reasons I've lived the life I have the past 4+ years now. I don't think I ever thanked you. So.. thank you, Kellie. Thank you for letting me go see what it actually meant to be alive.
"Old friend, hold on."
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
I wonder if the
positivity in my words typed here is feigned or if I really believe what I'm saying.
&
I don't miss anything more than how much I miss my best friend. Her and Phialdelphia. We hang up the phone and I want to cry. I make veggie burgers alone and I want to cry. 3 am dinners just aren't the same by yourself. Every band we sing to in our city comes on and I want to cry.
But in the end, I'm just lucky I have friends as good as this. Who's absence (although, I guess I'm actually the one who's absent) truly affects me. Ones that mean THAT much, that aren't dispensible. Ones who's connections go so far past the simple definition of friendship.
Although I tear up quite often, and know where my heart is and that it's NOT here. Things will be good again. This is a waiting game.
And when they are good again, "good" isn't going to even come close to doing it justice. We'll laugh at the fact that we were ever miserable. Because we have so much more, and none of this will have mattered.
It'll get good. I promise.
I don't even know who I'm promising.
I promise myself, I promise you, I promise everyone we know.
We're so much more than this.
This is all so temporary.
No one else knows.
---------
That's all there is to anything. Los Angeles is quite possibly my least favorite place. I saw a friend from 4 years ago, I guess that was interesting. I think about fest, I read books, I'll be home (for an indefinite amount of time [this seems to be a repeating aspect in my life when I go anywhere now]) in a few more than 30 days.
I still need a job for the next 5ish weeks. Thinking about staying with family friends down in Redondo and working at the restaurant if my grandma would let me. We'll see.
But in the end, I'm just lucky I have friends as good as this. Who's absence (although, I guess I'm actually the one who's absent) truly affects me. Ones that mean THAT much, that aren't dispensible. Ones who's connections go so far past the simple definition of friendship.
Although I tear up quite often, and know where my heart is and that it's NOT here. Things will be good again. This is a waiting game.
And when they are good again, "good" isn't going to even come close to doing it justice. We'll laugh at the fact that we were ever miserable. Because we have so much more, and none of this will have mattered.
It'll get good. I promise.
I don't even know who I'm promising.
I promise myself, I promise you, I promise everyone we know.
We're so much more than this.
This is all so temporary.
No one else knows.
---------
That's all there is to anything. Los Angeles is quite possibly my least favorite place. I saw a friend from 4 years ago, I guess that was interesting. I think about fest, I read books, I'll be home (for an indefinite amount of time [this seems to be a repeating aspect in my life when I go anywhere now]) in a few more than 30 days.
I still need a job for the next 5ish weeks. Thinking about staying with family friends down in Redondo and working at the restaurant if my grandma would let me. We'll see.
Every Winter/unhappy
It was like something in the cold snuck up, and with a tight grip, snapped all the bones in her body in half. Tore her legs right off at the hips. And she’d spend the next 4 months healing; regrowing. Sometimes it wouldn’t hurt so bad, she was used to it. But it was only a matter of time until the medication wore off and once again she was left immobile, hopeless and helpless, vision blurred. “I’ll be ok..”, she’d whisper to the snow. And she was right, because she had lived those nights before and would again.
But then a winter came, and she could still walk. Her legs hadn’t detatched themselves and she didn’t feel so cold. She burst outside and stood still for a moment, experiencing new. A season she never had before; new feelings. Then she ran. Block after block, amazed at what her legs could carry.
She could still feel and talk and most of all, it wasn’t as dark; there were lights and things were clear.
The typical harsh, icy nights had a warmth to them.
That warmth was you. You were hope. A fiery and glorious hope that could carry such heavy hearts and years of ice.
What she had been needing to stay warm was a home. And you became that too. Somewhere that could hold the tiniest wisps of tender air between it’s walls. A place with a hint of heat blowing around. Nothing much. No, she didn’t need much.
Just somewhere new to lay her head, somewhere safe. Somewhere that told her the broken bones weren’t just delayed or late, but that they wouldn’t be bothering her this year. Not now, not here. This winter she could rest easy, painless, carefree. Let her guard down, not having to live in fear.
She smiled through blizzards. She trekked on through the storms. Your words on repeat dancing across her thoughts, “You’re so much warmer than you’ll ever know, my love.” Her legs could carry. Her body was weightless. Her legs would carry and she could walk through it all, even with a face bloody-red from vicious winds, hands frozen into fists, all the while still smiling. Wide grin partically glued to her face, looking through eyes at a world she never had before, all because she was light enough tp float. So floating, she drifted up with the breeze and spun around in circles with the white dust falling from the sky. And she was weightless in this way because of you. Because you were hope, you were home, you were heat. And you gave that heat to her, sent through the invisible connection between the two’s bones. And heat rises. So she floated around that winter. Floated in and out of your arms. Floated beneath your cover(s). But most important of all, she floated home. Then floated straight into those looks, those words. The soundtrack to her nights alone. Play, rewind, play, rewind. She believed in every noise mustered from behind your lips.
But then one night she became too reckless, and tripped. She fell right onto her legs, felt them buckle beneath her. Felt skin ripping away from skin. She felt that sharp, familiar sting that she would of sworn on anything was gone for good. But it wasn’t, and you were.
You were gone. You walked straight into the storm and disappeared. And in an instant it was cold again.
You were gone and she was cold enough on that single day to make up for the entire winter she missed.
But truthfully, it was starting to get warm and she knew that was the reason you left. With each degree the temperature outdoors grew, you grew further away from her reach.
So she limped through Spring. By then the sun had taken over, taken your place. And she grew a brand new pair of legs, just like every other year. But this time sturdier than ever before. Sturdier than the ones you broke. She hopped around, learning how to use her new and improved limbs. And when she was ready, she jumped into the air and grabbed onto as much of the summer heat as she could hold between her tiny fingers and toes. Enough to make up for the warmth she lost with you, the warmth you took back and the remaining warmth you stole. Enough so that next winter, if she starts to hear cracking under her skin, she’ll be safe. Safe alone. Safe and hopeful. Safe and warm.
Without you.
But then a winter came, and she could still walk. Her legs hadn’t detatched themselves and she didn’t feel so cold. She burst outside and stood still for a moment, experiencing new. A season she never had before; new feelings. Then she ran. Block after block, amazed at what her legs could carry.
She could still feel and talk and most of all, it wasn’t as dark; there were lights and things were clear.
The typical harsh, icy nights had a warmth to them.
That warmth was you. You were hope. A fiery and glorious hope that could carry such heavy hearts and years of ice.
What she had been needing to stay warm was a home. And you became that too. Somewhere that could hold the tiniest wisps of tender air between it’s walls. A place with a hint of heat blowing around. Nothing much. No, she didn’t need much.
Just somewhere new to lay her head, somewhere safe. Somewhere that told her the broken bones weren’t just delayed or late, but that they wouldn’t be bothering her this year. Not now, not here. This winter she could rest easy, painless, carefree. Let her guard down, not having to live in fear.
She smiled through blizzards. She trekked on through the storms. Your words on repeat dancing across her thoughts, “You’re so much warmer than you’ll ever know, my love.” Her legs could carry. Her body was weightless. Her legs would carry and she could walk through it all, even with a face bloody-red from vicious winds, hands frozen into fists, all the while still smiling. Wide grin partically glued to her face, looking through eyes at a world she never had before, all because she was light enough tp float. So floating, she drifted up with the breeze and spun around in circles with the white dust falling from the sky. And she was weightless in this way because of you. Because you were hope, you were home, you were heat. And you gave that heat to her, sent through the invisible connection between the two’s bones. And heat rises. So she floated around that winter. Floated in and out of your arms. Floated beneath your cover(s). But most important of all, she floated home. Then floated straight into those looks, those words. The soundtrack to her nights alone. Play, rewind, play, rewind. She believed in every noise mustered from behind your lips.
But then one night she became too reckless, and tripped. She fell right onto her legs, felt them buckle beneath her. Felt skin ripping away from skin. She felt that sharp, familiar sting that she would of sworn on anything was gone for good. But it wasn’t, and you were.
You were gone. You walked straight into the storm and disappeared. And in an instant it was cold again.
You were gone and she was cold enough on that single day to make up for the entire winter she missed.
But truthfully, it was starting to get warm and she knew that was the reason you left. With each degree the temperature outdoors grew, you grew further away from her reach.
So she limped through Spring. By then the sun had taken over, taken your place. And she grew a brand new pair of legs, just like every other year. But this time sturdier than ever before. Sturdier than the ones you broke. She hopped around, learning how to use her new and improved limbs. And when she was ready, she jumped into the air and grabbed onto as much of the summer heat as she could hold between her tiny fingers and toes. Enough to make up for the warmth she lost with you, the warmth you took back and the remaining warmth you stole. Enough so that next winter, if she starts to hear cracking under her skin, she’ll be safe. Safe alone. Safe and hopeful. Safe and warm.
Without you.
Monday, September 20, 2010
Friday, September 17, 2010
0104
I still think about Arkansas once in awhile.
Days are so long.
"Don't let all the reasons why you're here become the same reasons why you don't stay."
Days are so long.
"Don't let all the reasons why you're here become the same reasons why you don't stay."
Thursday, September 16, 2010
always
"And we have what it takes, to keep it together, and move on."
Sometimes I start to feel very, very alone. I think I do that to myself though, with the life I choose to lead and the parts I can't help, like how I think, what I like, how I communicate. But even the times I feel totally alone, I know I'm not. I'm actually really lucky because I have so many people, in so many places that love me(even if they're not always showing it). I just have to remind myself. And if just one person I'd like in my life doesn't see that, it's not the end of the world either. Everything turns out how it should.
And infact, no matter how much I'm hating whats happening the past few weeks and what my life is going to consist of the next few weeks and months, I'm actually quite lucky that I'm miserable because I don't know it's like to feel this bored and alone. I have the most wonderful life where the dull moments don't even come close to adding up to the amazing experiences and at some point this will be over and I'll be back to living a more amazing life than I can comprehend and doing things other people only think about.
This will all come together in the end (circle) and it'll all be worth it.
However if I don't go to a show soon I'm probably just going to lose my mind for good. There's nothing that compares to the feeling of dancing around a basement to pop punk bands to me, nothing.
Sometimes I start to feel very, very alone. I think I do that to myself though, with the life I choose to lead and the parts I can't help, like how I think, what I like, how I communicate. But even the times I feel totally alone, I know I'm not. I'm actually really lucky because I have so many people, in so many places that love me(even if they're not always showing it). I just have to remind myself. And if just one person I'd like in my life doesn't see that, it's not the end of the world either. Everything turns out how it should.
And infact, no matter how much I'm hating whats happening the past few weeks and what my life is going to consist of the next few weeks and months, I'm actually quite lucky that I'm miserable because I don't know it's like to feel this bored and alone. I have the most wonderful life where the dull moments don't even come close to adding up to the amazing experiences and at some point this will be over and I'll be back to living a more amazing life than I can comprehend and doing things other people only think about.
This will all come together in the end (circle) and it'll all be worth it.
However if I don't go to a show soon I'm probably just going to lose my mind for good. There's nothing that compares to the feeling of dancing around a basement to pop punk bands to me, nothing.
Monday, September 13, 2010
003.
The only thing capable of calming down all day was the 15 minutes I layed in the grass in the sun at the park, and talking to my best friend for a few minutes on facebook IM. I'm not sure if that has to do with my lack of human contact or what, but I'm thankful it made me feel a little less sick to my stomach.
I think the bulk of my problems lie within the fact that I just had the best summer of my life. And those feelings of having the world, abrubtly ended and the things I have to look forward to are awfully far away and there's nothing to occupy my mind in that time I'm stuck spending waiting, waiting, waiting. I'm better than feeling this way but I feel helpless. I'm going to work on it though. This isn't something I'm new to.
I think I miss the idea of you and not you, but my mind associates those things as you. I don't know why it's all rushing back now. I guess the warm air covered it up.
It's funny how quickly things change, and no matter how much I realize and say that, it's always still a surprise.
"Take all that you have and turn it into something you would miss, if somebody threw that brick, shattered all your plans."
I'm both my own best friend and worst enemy.
41 days until I'll be myself again, at least for a little while.
I think the bulk of my problems lie within the fact that I just had the best summer of my life. And those feelings of having the world, abrubtly ended and the things I have to look forward to are awfully far away and there's nothing to occupy my mind in that time I'm stuck spending waiting, waiting, waiting. I'm better than feeling this way but I feel helpless. I'm going to work on it though. This isn't something I'm new to.
I think I miss the idea of you and not you, but my mind associates those things as you. I don't know why it's all rushing back now. I guess the warm air covered it up.
It's funny how quickly things change, and no matter how much I realize and say that, it's always still a surprise.
"Take all that you have and turn it into something you would miss, if somebody threw that brick, shattered all your plans."
I'm both my own best friend and worst enemy.
41 days until I'll be myself again, at least for a little while.
Saturday, September 11, 2010
Thursday, September 9, 2010
002.
I want to write about how I've spent the last few days feeling, but I don't have words for it.
I wake up earlier now, which I'm happy about. I make coffee, I spend sometime on the internet, I play music really really loud until my mom gets home. I read some, sit outside some, actually spend time on the meals I cook, go for a run and watch Law and Order at 9 pm and make some tea. Occasionally I text a friend, but then there's days like today where my phone goes completely unused. I'm really observant of the little things, and enjoy washing the dishes or folding the towels. I don't have the urge to talk to anyone and want to be alone. I'm not home sick, but I'm not happy to be here either.
I don't know what I expect from anything, anyone or from each day. I don't think I expect anything at all. I feel like I'm just going through the motions and that's all I feel. I don't feel anything really, and I don't know what to make of it.
It's one of those times where it feels like this is it. Like this is the way things are going to be. Like there's nothing to look forward to, or get excited about, but there's nothing to change and things just are however they are. I know this feeling never lasts, sooner or later I'm up to my ridiculous antics again and things are more exciting that I could ever possible give meaning to through words. But this time something just feels different.
I'm supposed to go to the South Bay this weekend and go out Friday night with Laura and Eva, then stay at Laura's. I hung out with Eva when I was here in the winter and we went out to lunch. Laura I haven't seen in over 4 years now. I don't anticipate it being awkward, those are some of my child hood best friends. I do however anticipate feeling very out of place, underdressed, different and unattractive.
I wake up earlier now, which I'm happy about. I make coffee, I spend sometime on the internet, I play music really really loud until my mom gets home. I read some, sit outside some, actually spend time on the meals I cook, go for a run and watch Law and Order at 9 pm and make some tea. Occasionally I text a friend, but then there's days like today where my phone goes completely unused. I'm really observant of the little things, and enjoy washing the dishes or folding the towels. I don't have the urge to talk to anyone and want to be alone. I'm not home sick, but I'm not happy to be here either.
I don't know what I expect from anything, anyone or from each day. I don't think I expect anything at all. I feel like I'm just going through the motions and that's all I feel. I don't feel anything really, and I don't know what to make of it.
It's one of those times where it feels like this is it. Like this is the way things are going to be. Like there's nothing to look forward to, or get excited about, but there's nothing to change and things just are however they are. I know this feeling never lasts, sooner or later I'm up to my ridiculous antics again and things are more exciting that I could ever possible give meaning to through words. But this time something just feels different.
I'm supposed to go to the South Bay this weekend and go out Friday night with Laura and Eva, then stay at Laura's. I hung out with Eva when I was here in the winter and we went out to lunch. Laura I haven't seen in over 4 years now. I don't anticipate it being awkward, those are some of my child hood best friends. I do however anticipate feeling very out of place, underdressed, different and unattractive.
Monday, September 6, 2010
001.
11 days ago, my best friend picked me and all my (definitely needed) belongings up, took me out for chinese, I hung out on Main St for a few hours and got to say bye to some frinends I wouldn't have otherwise. (Tyler almost made me cry.) Then we went back to Melissa's and stayed up way too late and lost our minds. Long story much, much shorter- she dropped me off at the Newark Septa station and I got on the 6:22 am R2, after an unexpectedly tearful goodbye. I'm learning goodbyes for trips with indefinite or undetermained lengths are strange.
After traveling solo for over 24 hours (trains to Philly, buses to DC, long walks resulting in blistered hands, attempted kidnappings, chats with business men, old men and the homeless, 4 greyhound buses and 4 hours spent at a station in Columbus, Ohio) I arrived in Lexington, Kentucky at 8 am Friday morning, where Carey picked me up. I really didn't expect to see Lex again this summer. There's something about Kentucky I just really love. I still think I may end up South at some point in my life, even if only for a little while. After a 3 hour nap at his house, we left for the drive to Seattle, Washington. The next 5 days were spent mostly in the car, just add in hanging out in Chicago, hotels, shitty motels, huge mountains, tourist traps, camping, six packs, cards, self loathing and awkward conversation.
We drove through Kentucky into Indiana to Chicago, through Wisconsin, Minnesota, South Dakota, Wyoming, Montana, Idaho and into Washington. The 3 previous to the latter were gorgeous and I (FINALLY) saw HUGE fields of sunflowers in SD.
I was king of irritated the entire trip with not feeling the way I typically do while traveling, but I guess I'm not used to being so uncomfortable while traveling. I don't know, I've put myself in some strange situations before and they've always turned out fine...and even when they were weird it still never affected me feeling so, soooo free. But maybe this time was just too awkward. Or the unimpressed, bored mood I was in the last few weeks at home has been too difficult to get out of. I'm starting to feel a little better now though. Either way, I'm not unhappy about my decision to go along because home didn't have much to offer for now and I think it needed to happen in order for the newest plans in my mind to be shaped and for it to all make sense.
I was in a small mountain town for 6 days. Sometimes I really enjoyed it, sometimes I wanted nothing more than to leave. But one thing was for sure, and its that being there made me think a lot. About things I want, why I do the things I do, what I care about. It also made me realize (for the millionth time) who really matters, and appreciate even more that I have good friends to call up and talk to on the phone. I haven't felt the urge to retreat entirely (although I know there'll be more and more things I miss out on at home) but I know I'll get homesick at somepoint, it's just easier not to now when I know that in the past few years, ESPECIALLY 2010, I've lived and seen and know more than some people ever will. I've really found my spot in the world and realized what's important to me. And although being away from home is going to make me miss out on some potentially awesome things..I'm a lot less concerned with the idea of missing out than I used to be. Life goes on and I live mine and I'll do amazing things wherever I am too, I'm sure. I think realizing all this is really just growing up and being able to watch myself change and well, grow up.
I flew down to California yesterday (although I grew to love that little cottage in the woods and the way of life that goes along with it, my plans needed to change), and as of now I'll be here until I fly home for Fest at the end of October. I think that weekend is going to be worth the wait. Being reunited with my best friend, driving to Florida, The Fest 9...then staying in Philly for a week or two to visit, selling my car and continuing on with my plans for the rest of the year/winter. I'm working while in California, it's going to be interesting to work and have a paycheck again. The idea of not doing much and saving money sounds really good, but we'll see how soon it gets old. However lately I really enjoy hanging out alone and enjoy little simple things. To know where it'll fade is totally in question, but for now I'm okay (with it) and I think I'll take the time alone to do everything I've wanted to do that I always seem to put on the back burner. Learn, learn, learn.
Other than that, the only other really monumental thing that's happened was a phone call from Andrew the other night. I was laying on the floor of the cottage talking on the phone to Brett and got another call, and was totally caught off guard when I saw his nae flashing on my phone. I answered, so confused, and he said, "Tesla?" and I reply, "Yeah???" and he just says, "I just want you to know I miss you a lot."
After not speaking to me for 2 months, I was beginning to believe our friendship was pretty much done for. I started crying and we talked for a few minutes. When I told him I thought he was never going to talk to me again he told me he could never do that and that I was always one of his best friends and "like my big sister". Drunk or not, no matter what changes, that phone call meant so much to me and I'm glad I still have my little brother. I texted Drew afterwards telling him about the call, and he told me he missed me too. No matter where I go, what changes, who we become and how we drift, there's those few certain people who will always have a huge piece of my heart. And I really never get sick of saying it.
Other than all of this, I got to explore a lot of Seattle, plan my year, see my family and I've spent the day reading Lolita and applying for jobs. I don't really know what to expect waking up every day (speaking of waking up- I've been having the weirdest dreams about someone I haven't talked to in months, lately, and his family) but we'll see where this ridiculous life of my takes me for now, I 'spose!
After traveling solo for over 24 hours (trains to Philly, buses to DC, long walks resulting in blistered hands, attempted kidnappings, chats with business men, old men and the homeless, 4 greyhound buses and 4 hours spent at a station in Columbus, Ohio) I arrived in Lexington, Kentucky at 8 am Friday morning, where Carey picked me up. I really didn't expect to see Lex again this summer. There's something about Kentucky I just really love. I still think I may end up South at some point in my life, even if only for a little while. After a 3 hour nap at his house, we left for the drive to Seattle, Washington. The next 5 days were spent mostly in the car, just add in hanging out in Chicago, hotels, shitty motels, huge mountains, tourist traps, camping, six packs, cards, self loathing and awkward conversation.
We drove through Kentucky into Indiana to Chicago, through Wisconsin, Minnesota, South Dakota, Wyoming, Montana, Idaho and into Washington. The 3 previous to the latter were gorgeous and I (FINALLY) saw HUGE fields of sunflowers in SD.
I was king of irritated the entire trip with not feeling the way I typically do while traveling, but I guess I'm not used to being so uncomfortable while traveling. I don't know, I've put myself in some strange situations before and they've always turned out fine...and even when they were weird it still never affected me feeling so, soooo free. But maybe this time was just too awkward. Or the unimpressed, bored mood I was in the last few weeks at home has been too difficult to get out of. I'm starting to feel a little better now though. Either way, I'm not unhappy about my decision to go along because home didn't have much to offer for now and I think it needed to happen in order for the newest plans in my mind to be shaped and for it to all make sense.
I was in a small mountain town for 6 days. Sometimes I really enjoyed it, sometimes I wanted nothing more than to leave. But one thing was for sure, and its that being there made me think a lot. About things I want, why I do the things I do, what I care about. It also made me realize (for the millionth time) who really matters, and appreciate even more that I have good friends to call up and talk to on the phone. I haven't felt the urge to retreat entirely (although I know there'll be more and more things I miss out on at home) but I know I'll get homesick at somepoint, it's just easier not to now when I know that in the past few years, ESPECIALLY 2010, I've lived and seen and know more than some people ever will. I've really found my spot in the world and realized what's important to me. And although being away from home is going to make me miss out on some potentially awesome things..I'm a lot less concerned with the idea of missing out than I used to be. Life goes on and I live mine and I'll do amazing things wherever I am too, I'm sure. I think realizing all this is really just growing up and being able to watch myself change and well, grow up.
I flew down to California yesterday (although I grew to love that little cottage in the woods and the way of life that goes along with it, my plans needed to change), and as of now I'll be here until I fly home for Fest at the end of October. I think that weekend is going to be worth the wait. Being reunited with my best friend, driving to Florida, The Fest 9...then staying in Philly for a week or two to visit, selling my car and continuing on with my plans for the rest of the year/winter. I'm working while in California, it's going to be interesting to work and have a paycheck again. The idea of not doing much and saving money sounds really good, but we'll see how soon it gets old. However lately I really enjoy hanging out alone and enjoy little simple things. To know where it'll fade is totally in question, but for now I'm okay (with it) and I think I'll take the time alone to do everything I've wanted to do that I always seem to put on the back burner. Learn, learn, learn.
Other than that, the only other really monumental thing that's happened was a phone call from Andrew the other night. I was laying on the floor of the cottage talking on the phone to Brett and got another call, and was totally caught off guard when I saw his nae flashing on my phone. I answered, so confused, and he said, "Tesla?" and I reply, "Yeah???" and he just says, "I just want you to know I miss you a lot."
After not speaking to me for 2 months, I was beginning to believe our friendship was pretty much done for. I started crying and we talked for a few minutes. When I told him I thought he was never going to talk to me again he told me he could never do that and that I was always one of his best friends and "like my big sister". Drunk or not, no matter what changes, that phone call meant so much to me and I'm glad I still have my little brother. I texted Drew afterwards telling him about the call, and he told me he missed me too. No matter where I go, what changes, who we become and how we drift, there's those few certain people who will always have a huge piece of my heart. And I really never get sick of saying it.
Other than all of this, I got to explore a lot of Seattle, plan my year, see my family and I've spent the day reading Lolita and applying for jobs. I don't really know what to expect waking up every day (speaking of waking up- I've been having the weirdest dreams about someone I haven't talked to in months, lately, and his family) but we'll see where this ridiculous life of my takes me for now, I 'spose!
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