I go back and forth between writing on here, writing in my journal, and not writing at all. I think I had to take a break from everything and just let time pass before I could wake up and feel a little better, and so that's what I did, and then one day I woke up and felt a little better.
When July hit I knew it was going to get easier, and now we're coming to the end of the month and I'm okay again. Things are still up in the air all over the place, but I've started to realize I've come more into my own here and while sometimes the heartbreak stings a little I can push it away and go on.
There was one afternoon a few weeks ago, I was laying on the couch in our living room and suddenly had the thought, "I have an overwhelming feeling that it's over". While I didn't know where that feeling came from or why it was so overwhelming, who would have known I was right. And it sucks, and it's confusing, and it's going to feel like unfinished business for a very long time, but it happens.
Shitty things happen and I'm better than letting this break me again.
I've been having fun again, I've been laughing again, I've been making friends and getting to know people better. I spent my 21st birthday a few weeks ago with all people I've known less than 7 months and that night was the night that pulled me out of the horrible place I've been once and for all (at least this time around).
I went to Ohio and realized that no matter how upset I was about not being with who I orginially wanted to spend my summer with, or how my plans fell apart, or how much time I spent feeling so crazy, I was right where I was supposed to be. I wasn't meant to spend my summer in Brooklyn, I was meant to go on an impromptu trip to Ohio and see my best friends. I was meant to drink wine in that tree house, I was meant to go swimming in that lake, I was meant to get that new job and realize that there's another boy that I don't see so often that just makes me happy when he's around.
I've also realized in the last few months I've become a lot more vocal, I can speak up for myself, share my opinions and hold my own more than ever before. I'm so excited about this and I feel like it's only going to make anything coming in the future that much better. I'm figuring out even more about the things that I feel are important, the things I want to fill my life with. And I'm becoming more and more comfortable with feeling like I can talk about them being educated and eloquent enough on the matter.
We're starting some projects around here and I'm going to start only focusing on the positive things. If something doesn't work out, it doesn't matter. If someone doesn't want to be in my life, they don't matter.
I'm going to go on and try my hardest to figure out where things are supposed to go from here because obviously my ideas a few months ago weren't right. Some things that have happened this summer are going to take me a little while to get over, trust is something that I've seen get broken over and over along with my heart. But I'm in a place where I'm mentally capable of taking care of myself, I'm aware of what's rational and I can actually believe the words coming out of my mouth.
As always I have no idea what even next week is going to bring. Except for starting this new job I have no plans or even thoughts about when I'll leave again. That's a little scary but it's still warm and there's still rivers to swim in and there's still beers to drink and there's still friends to hug and like I kept telling myself even when I didn't believe it'd ever be true again "everything will always be okay."
