you're spending too much time, digging graves and sharpening your knives.

I've spent too much time the last 6 months thinking about what i miss, what i don't have, what i'm doing wrong. And not enough time taking full advantage of the positive aspects of my life and enjoying the really amazing times i DO get to have. I just don't know how to get out of this mind set. It feels like it's slowly happening, but I've never been too good with patience.

It always seemed sort of cliche for something bad happening to scare you enough to realize some obvious things about life. like it being too short, like needing to keep the people you care about close, and that it can end at any second. Not that I didn't already know those kinds of things, but I just can't explain how sure I was that those were going to be my last few minutes. I didn't know it was possible to be that terrified. I've had so many situations in the past 4 years that have lead to me wanting to just give up. Everytime I'm happy, everytime I think "maybe I'm gonna be okay now", something comes to rip it right out of my hands. And it's so old and unfair. I just try and live my life and try to be happy, and something is always there to stop it from continuing. But saturday night/sunday morning was the biggest in my face wake up call i could have imagined. You always think it'll never happen to you. I tend to live my life a little as if i'm invinsible, doing whatever i want to without thinking about the consiquences or being all that causious. Not to say I wasn't driving perfectly good, the ice..it was out of my control. I've always been afraid of dying, but having it that close to me, sensing it in my presence, was something i never want to feel again. Theres been nights where I don't feel like living anymore, where I've talked about not waking up or not caring too much if this was over if i was always going to be unhappy. But really truely believing I might be a few seconds away from never living again, I can truely say I'm happy to be alive and I want to live as much longer as I possibly can.


The trip up with Garrett, seeing Life in Your Way and With Honor, and most of the trip home was a wonderful. The show was so worth the 4 hour drive and getting stuck in a parking lot of snow. But hitting ice on a bridge 15 minutes from home wasn't supposed to be part of the plan. Diving out of the path of a 18 wheeler about to hit ice wasn't part of my list of things to do in my life. Pictures keep repeating in my head, I can still feel everything, this is still so fucked. 4 am saturday night/sunday morning was the most horrible situation i've ever had to go through other than my dad's death. Continusly ending up in horrid situations everytime I start to be okay again has got to end. Something has got to change.

Cause this feeling is getting too hard to explain.

When is do you get to stop fighting and just give in?

old dead ending
new dead ends

I never said anything about the Houston Calls/Just Surrender show. Anyways, it was last friday and Brodie is on tour with them so he got me in for free. Strangely, Lisa knew who I was right when I walked in the door. I knew she knew my face but I had no idea she knew my name, I guess it makes sense though since she knows all my friends and I did spend just about every weekend there last year. I drove there with Lauren, Ashley, Justina, Melissa, and Amy and hung out with either group all night. I wasn't THAT great of a show. I totally miss what it used to be like when everyone in Delaware would be there every weekend, those nights were so good. Houston Calls was fun though, we all stood on stage and danced and I had the strangest conversations with Tom their singer. I talked to Brodie for a little while but it's still so strange when I do see him considering I've known him since I was barely 15 and he has a lot to do with why I moved here but I've only truely met him twice..so of course my social awkwardness kicks in and conversations in person are just strange. OH WELL.


I think I'm getting played big time and this is probably a horrible situation to get involved in but I'm just going along with it. You can call me on it later when I'm telling myself I told you so.

"can't afford to lose my memory,

i'm too in debt. fear becoming fact , the years you miss aren't coming back . guess i forgot to keep my friends from falling off. you can't run away from something that was never there. no one is starting to undesrstand this. of course we miss the faces that we used to kiss. cut yourself with the long hand from your broken clock, timing just nothing except wasted time. you say you don't understand, i say it doesn't help. i'm still fucked to death. it's still meaningless. its still hit or miss. its never making sense. it all went wrong in sympathetic song. starting again with broken hymns and limbs, i want star-bound feet far from the ground. this is the most intense thing you've felt. his is two hands ripping through your chest to scrape the love from your heart."


Over the past year, I've realized more and more that i'm not remembering things as well as I always have. Memories are distant and detached. I'm just realized how bad it's gotten. I've forgotten and blocked out so much. But what I'm just realized now is why. It hurts to much to remember and be able to look back at all the things I've loved the past 4 years, even more especially the past year. I miss it so much.

October 2007.

let me quote myself, "maybe theres a point when things become too comfortable and they start to fall apart."

This is one of the many repeating aspects of my life.

die young

or live forever. I'm just trying to refind my heart. It was always there, just hard to see in the dark.


Last night was one of the best nights i've had in i couldn't even tell you how long. i actually felt something good for more than 3 minutes and 30 seconds. I was happy in a way i haven't felt in an ridiculously long time. I laughed harder for 6 hours on end than i honestly remember laughing in months. I want that feeling to stay forever, that's what I need in my life. Went down to Berlin, Maryland with Bill and Tyler for their show. The show was hilarious and afterwards everyone (myself, Chrystina, Tyler, Bill, Ben, Max, Garrett, Joey, Trevor, Jeremy, Nick and Eddie) went out to some random shitty diner. That group of kids has such a huge spot in my heart, where i know each of them well or barely at all.

Tyler and me saw 9 shooting stars.

The way music has been affecting me lately is so much more than it ever has, at least at this level. It's actually a little frightening. I fell asleep with my headphones on and the feeling I woke up with was unbelieveable. Not in a good way, but surprising and unreal. I can't really explain it.


Fireworks and Polar Bear Club with Tyler and Garrett last night was a good time. Both bands were ridiculous, I especially enjoyed Fireworks even more than last time. We walked around for awhile before the show and came across this random street of fancy shops. There was this really cute coffee shop and I got a hot apple cider, content much? yessuh.

where disappointment and regret collide, lying awake at night.

When I look back and I think about the "life I always wanted", I have it. I have it now almost exactly, almost thought for thought. There's a few points missing here and here but they're not far from my reach and they're just in the distance along the horizon. But although it's everything I'd wish for, it's still not good enough. And this is something that's killing me and causing me to want to hide under a blanket, ashamed to look at my face. Why can't I just be content? I am completely fine with the money I'm making, I'm starting to live a healthier lifestyle, i have great friends, i spend almost all my spare time traveling to shows, i know i'm loved, but theres still this huge whole in my heart and i can feel and it's so powerful that it takes away the good from the good times and it keeps me awake at night and it tears my apart on drives home once i've dropped everyone off to the point where the roads blur from all the stupid fucking tears. I just want to know if this is it. If this is how I'm going to feel for the rest of my life, constant regret over not having the time of my life with everything i do. Constantly feeling like theres something more to this, that this isn't just good enough yet. And I hate thinking that way because I'm so lucky for getting to where I'm at. But I've felt what it's like to feel so much greater than this. To love this life so much I feel like my hearts going to burst out of my chest. And I don't think I'm going to be okay again until I feel that way again. But I'm terrified it's never going to happen.

Is this ever going to end?

fucking up good things before they've even gotten a chance.


and I still don't feel anything.

You see pavement, I see paradise.

I'm so far from my own feelings and thoughts. I don't know who I am. Well maybe that's not right, I know who I am and what I'm about (even if that's constantly changing and growing.) But I feel so distant from myself, detached. Maybe not even from myself, pretty detached from everything. I don't know how to get somewhere, I feel like I'm just waking up, living out a day that turns out to be good or bad, going to sleep and repeat. Stuck. That about somes it up. I'm feeling so stuck that I'm losing myself with it, sort of. I'm so lost I can't even explain it because I don't know what I'm trying to explain. If I can't even feel it, I guess it'd make sense that I couldn't describe it either. I need something, I'm just not sure what/about that either.

December is going to be fun though, if all goes as planned.
This coming weekend is the boy's(Cut Short) show with Ruiner at UD. Then come monday melissa and stacy and me will at be going to Post Secret at UD, tuesday is Polar Bear Club and Fireworks in Philly, then repeating that tour wednesday night in Baltimore. Friday is Houston Calls and Just Surrender at the Grange and I get to see Brodie, unless for some reason I can get my breaks fixed by then..then I'm taking Andrew Benenati and Garrett to Conneticut with me to see Thursday and Moving Mountains. Theres a whole lot going on the rest of the month as well, I'm only hoping my expectations are satisfied.

"I guess the winter makes you laugh a little slower, makes you talk a little lower about the things you could not show him. And it's been a long December and there's reasons to believe, maybe this year will be better than the last."

I love Christmas time.

But I feel like it's going to come and go before I even realize it. Before I even feel it at all. Stacy and I came up with a bunch of festive plans to try and prevent that, I really hope they all happen. I need to go up and stay the weekend in Philly again anyways.

33 days until I head west. Everytime I see a picture of LA my stomach flip flops and my heart skips a beat. This is a much needed trip home for the first time in years.

is this the way it goes?

Everyday I feel like I wake up, forgetting more and more of my past. It gets more and more distant in my mind, the colors fade and everything blurs. I can't fucking stand it. If I thought about it more, maybe I'd remember, maybe those memories would stay with me forever. I'm so scared of forgetting everything, I don't want to forget anything. But I can't use all my time trying to remember because it hurts too much. And when it hurts too much, I can't leave the safety of my room, under the covers, with no light. I have to give up my past if I ever want to live again, if I want to really have any future. And I'm not sure if I can do that.

There was a time.

There was a place.
There was a season.
Where we felt more alive.
Where we felt like there was so much more to live for.
And it wasn't just felt, it was right there in front of us.
So close you could see it and if you ran fast enough you'd be holding it in the palm's of your hands.
That feeling's not gone, but it's lost it's vibrant color.
It's lost it's taste in our mouths and it's scent that filled the air around us.
It's hiding, and we don't know where to start looking.


How long can you yearn for something before it kills you?

we used to roll the windows down and play the music loud.

I have fallen so hard back in love with Philly.


Melissa, Andrew Fusca, Nick, and myself went on a little trip last night and as unepic as it was, it was ridiculous wonderful all the same.

I thought I was done with his, but old habits can come back to haunt you I guess.
I don't really care though, I'm living. and I feel gooooood.

Hung out with Melissa, Alex, and Alex's new boyfriend Tyler. He's a sweetheart. It wasn't that amazing of a night, but I was content regardless. I feel like we reminienced a little too much though.

Pack your fists full of hate.

Take a swing at the world. These kids stick to themselves, carry angst in their words. Where we'll never be a part of this cursed fucking town. So we stand amongst ourselves, watch it burn to the ground, burn to the fucking ground.



I've been happy since thursday, I love the people in my life again, I never want to lose this feeling.

Poplar Drive

I miss sitting on your cold kitchen floor at 3 in the morning, eatting fruity pebbles, talking about life. I miss afternoon naps on your couch after school sophmore year . I miss sitting on my spot on the counter while I make you cook me Cup O Noodles because I just can't do it right. I miss summer visits and the fact that you're one of very few people who I can go months, years even, with out seeing or talking and the minute we're toghether again, it's as if we had just hung out the day before. I miss how you always told me the truth, no matter how brutal, you never told me one single lie. But you always seemed to be able to tell me the truth in a way that made sense and made it not hurt at all. I miss my side of your comfy bed and laying around for hours reminencing about 6th grade or reading Chicken Soup to eachother hahah. I miss 15 hour movie nights(days), spending all day at the river eatting chullitos, and staying up all night just to watch Three's Company or Law and Order (even thought you've seen every episode). I miss your dad grabbing my feet, not letting go, while I sit extremely awkwardly and he yells at me when I try to move them. I miss your entire fucking family and how your house is one of the few places in the world where I feel completely at home. I miss nights out on the trampoline looking for ufos, sitting in your car before you could even drive it, and walking to best buy for a tooth bursh and mexican candy. I miss how we're so different yet so much the same, and how our lives are always going to be so different but I don't think anyone else will be able to quite understand what I mean without me ever having to open my mouth.

I miss what seven years gave this friendship.
And I'm so sorry I never call.

I don't care.

I care way too much.



I had a good few hours tonight. Hanging out with Andrew and Melissa, playing Uno, listening to Bruce Springsteen.

"Patriotism, sir, is the last resort of scoundrels."

I eyes burn constantly from the hate that's behind them. It's not hate directed at anyone personally, it's hate towards life as a whole. I feel trapped and I could leave my room at any minute, but I have no where and no one to run to, so I stay trapped. To put it bluntly, I feel like complete shit but I'm not physically sick at all.

It's so very, very weird the few people who I'm closest to these days. It's never who you expect. Close isn't the word, I'm not close with anyone..I'll say, the ones who show any care.

Everything will slow down.

I wish it wasn't so hard to please me. I wish I didn't reply so much on feelings. I know people who can be friends with anyone, hang out with anyone, and if they get along, that's all that matters. But I rely so heavily on "vibes" if you will, a person can be the nicest person ever, with a bunch in common with me, but still if it doesn't feel right, it'll never be right. I rely too much on comfort zones as well. I'm screaming about getting out of here and needing new people, and I get chances and then I'm not happy with them. I sit in a room full of strangers and instead of looking at this as a room full of oppotunities, I long for the friends I do have, the friends I already know, and think about how much I'd rather be surrounded by them. It's just a much more comfortable feeling. To get in a car full of familiar faces and do absolutely nothing with our lives. Than it is to try everything new and not know the outcome and not feel right about putting foward a ton of effort to make anything new work.

The part that just kills me is that I long for those old friends rather than the new because I love them, I already know them, and they're my comfort zone. Yet when it actually comes down to it, I'm longing for what it was, not what it is. I sit there wanting to choose them over the new option, but when I do have them, it's not what I want either. I want things to go back to the old way so badly, and it's never going to. I'm just trying to figure out how to cope with that. I won't just accept it and move on though, because I know theres better than feeling like the old is gone and the new sucks. I know I deserve to be happy again and not just forcing myself to be content.

I guess I can't just assume that because the first new options I gave change proved to be less than what I expected that everythnig will turn out that way. Maybe those friendships just werent meant to be the replacements, maybe I still have to wait a little longer and search a little harder.

to finish this all up though with out typing five page lengths:
-I dropped out of Del Tech
-Halloween was awkward and an adventure all at once. I'm not sure where a friendship will go with Chrystina but I'm thankful for the memories.
-I'm also thankful for the people in my life who I'm completely comfortable around and that I can speak freely around. Although last night was a bummer because Andrew's car broke down I'm glad I got to go out for a few hours with those old friends that I feel at home with.
-I've been spending too much time alone and sleeping the last few weeks, I'm trying to change that, but I don't know how to start living like I need to. I've got a lot of decisions to make, and a life to make, but I'm a little lost about how to go about it. The next few months aren't going to be anything, just me doing what I want to do. The future can be on hold for a bit.

I don't know what you see in me or what I have to offer. But I need these chances, so I'll take them. I hope I don't dissappoint any of you too much.

Not completely forgotten.

thank you.

My mom tried talking to me last night and I couldn't respond. It's not because I didn't want to discuss everything, it's just that I'm that unable to communicate everything that's going on in my head right now. I'm such a wreck I wouldn't know how to say what I'm feeling. Actually, I'm not sure I even know how I'm feeling. That's how detached from myself I feel.

"Covering my eyes, because we are nothing,
and never quite the same from a black and white summer.
With photographs that showed our rails and razorblades."

I'm excited for Halloween for the first time in years. It could potentially turn out really awkward, but I'm giving it a try. Chrystina invited me to go up to Philly with her for a few different parties friend of her's are having. I don't have much of a costume, but I think I can make it work. We're buying sparkling cider to chug as champaine, because we're gonna party HARD :)

Never forgive you for a sky turned from gray to black.

I've lost all contact with stability and rationale. I'm living, breathing, going through the motions. I feel too much and nothing all at once. I guess you could just call me confused, maybe a little lost.

Under highway signs I watched our love start fluttering and dissipating. I counted all the headlights to make sure I was all right.

I want to update but feel like my mind can only be explained as "..." currently.

Or if I tried to talk about anything, I'd only feel as if I was just restating things I've stated a thousand times before. Ups and Downs aren't even hard anymore because I'm starting to get used to this. Not to say I'm happy about that in the least. You don't understand, but I'm not packing up my things to run away, I'm packing up my things because there's nothing left here for me. Maybe if you took the time to talk to me about it you wouldn't assume my reasonings, I'm actually pretty good at what I do. I've been living this way a long, long time. I wonder how tomorrow's going to turn out. It's been a many months and a million chances, but I think this could be a good thing. I'm extremely excited to see Saves the Day and Anthony green toghether at a random, small south jersey venue. I've been listening to so much early 90's emo this week. I've put too many different thoughts into one paragraph, there's no flow at all.

...

I think visiting Stacy this weekend was one of the best things I could have done for myself. Walking around the city and staying the the dorm made me remember why I wanted SVA so bad. It's been so long that I lost hope, that longing, and momentum again but it's back. I actually want to do my work so that I'll get in this time around. It feels so right and I still can't wait to start that part of my life. This weekend helped my remember that and I'm ready again.

Philly: Night 2

So after watching the sunrise and having no idea what to do since there's a no sleep rule in the Penthouse, we finally decided to up the punx and break the rules, theres two huge couches just the right size to sleep on, so around 7:30 am we put ourselves to bed..only to get woken up at 8 allowed to go back to our room.

We slept til 12, ate breakfast in the caf, and decided to go to barnes and noble, and the shopped with out money at H&M and Urban Outfitters. I found the most amazing winter coat at H&M but almost cried when the tag read $100. But I asked my mom to pay for half of it, and she agreed. I'm so excited to go back on Friday and get it. I had to work on my photography project so we were walking around doing that and trying to decide what our plans for the night should be. During that time is when the weirdest thing I saw that day happend: There was this man in a convertable, driving down Chesnut, blasting what could have been Aretha Franklin, but was definitely a black woman 60's style singer, singing along. I kind of smiled at it at first, but when I looked back he has the creepiest grin on his face and he was starring at us. We smiled back, sort of, and then looked at each other. He was also wearing a sailor hat, holding a huge cross that was hanging from his rear view mirror in one hand, and using the other to kind of throw out the side of the car moving it along with the song. We gave money to some kind bums, and I remembered this cool Ice Cream Parlor I'd heard of so we went back to Moore to Google it.

We ate dinner in the caf, I met some nice people, and then me, stace, and rachael took the subway to Penn's Landing and went to Frankin's Fountain. It's this adorable 1930's style ice cream parlor. We ate and then took the train back to Moore, froze, and then everyone did homework which was find by me since I brought my Art History to do on the train. It was a lovely night, I think visiting Stace is going to be one of my favorite pasttimes this winter.

Philly: Night 1

This has been one of the most ridiculous nights I've had in a long time, in a good way for the most part since I'm basically laughing it all off.

The day started out with a huge fight with my mom, but then I left telling her I'd see her sometime next week. So I went and bought a few things I'd need for my three days and two nights up here in Philly and went and parked my car at my work. (which I'm basically praying doesn't get towed.) Walked to the train station getting weird looks from everyone I passed, on foot or in car, for walking around Wilmington with a pilllow. I ran into (avoided) two guys I work with because I didn't want to explain it, but because things were going that way I just accepted that my day wasn't going to be so smooth and kept on going.

It was starting to get dark and riding the train with just myself, a notebook, and some music was absolutely wonderful, I'm definitely going to have to start doing this more often.

Justine and Stacy picked me up the train station and we went back to Moore (Stacy's college) so I could get signed in as a guest and stuff. We decided to walk to Chinatown and get bubble tea, but since Stace has never been too good with directions we never found it. Instead we ended getting followed by some homeless black guy who was asking about our husbands, got pizza from a small itlain place, i feel backwards in the middle of a huge intersection, we watched some movies, and went to sleep around 1 am.

At 2 I heard her roomate come in, a few minutes later she was puking everywhere. After awhile she got up and went into the bathroom and thankfully both stacy AND me were awake. The smell was horrible, and it got a little bizzare when Rachael (the roommate) came back in and when Stacy started asking about what happend she started denying throwing up. The smell was too horrible so we got up and wandered around the school, eventually going to an RA to see what we should do since we couldn't sleep with the smell.

Long story short, they almost called 911 to see if she has alcohol poisoning, someone has to stay in the room and we wouldn't, so now it's 5:30 am and we're sitting up in the Penthouse again, watching Bobby, Stace is falling asleep, I'm working on Art History and waiting to watch the sunrise because there's no way I'm sleeping tonight now. I can't wait to see what tomorrow's going to hold, my life is ridiculous.

I'm spending the rest of the weekend in philly until monday evening, I guess my wish kind of came true. Then hopefully going straight from there to meet Garrett somewhere and go see Have Heart in Baltimore.

"You spend your whole life looking for the adult that you are.You spend the rest of your life looking for the child that you were."

They say absence makes the heart grow fonder.

But this time, it just made me hate you more.


Up and down, back and fowarth. I need something so much more, and I'm sick of searching, but when honestly I wouldn't even know where to begin. If someone would run away with me, just get in the car, take off..with no destination, or time limit in mind. Whether it was for a week, a weekend, or just one night. I would be more ready than I've ever been in my life. I need to experience something new, so I know this isn't it.

I'll give you bonafide lovin'.

I can't wait until January. I'm so ready for my trip. I'm so ready to see forgotten faces and to feel old friendships again. I'm so ready to feel my streets beneath my feet, and smell every familiar smell I've ever known. I feel like once January comes around, I'll feel such a huge weight lifted of my shoulders, I'll feel a little free.

As much as I know I'll miss her, I keep telling my mom to move now. Our relationship has shot to hell lately and I can't stand her for more than 5 minutes. I'm irritated before she even opens her mouth.

Last night was one of the better nights I've had in awhile. It was Melissa's birthday, and as much as I wanted to make it spectacular I just thought we'd hang out for awhile and then I planned to work on my Art History because well, it's still not done and it's already so so sooo late. But whatever, shit happend, I hung out all night, but I wouldn't change that at all. I got up early so I could get up to Newark early, and I did, I stood outside Melissa's school with a bunch of balloons and picked her up. We went and got Panera, and went back to her house to try and figure out the plans, I then saw the most odd bowl of my life haha. When it comes down to it, we got the cereal bowl, lost our minds a for a little while for good reasons, met up with nick, alex, cheri, and andrew fusca, went to fair hill and got chased by the cops. That was the short version, such as epic night.

The storm is coming in.

Take me, take me back to your bed
I love you so much that it hurts my head
I don't mind you under my skin
I'll let the bad parts in, the bad parts in

Something vague that we're not seeing.

It's just time for me to start living again.
I wish it was as easy as simply stating it.

None of this is worth it anymore. I hate everyone, I hate everything, I hate every aspect of my life including myself. This is what my life's become, nothing but days full of hate and discontent. One night can go by where I'm okay but it never lasts, no one sees me when I'm not putting up a front. Every laugh, every smile, they're all insincere. Nothing that happens can make me feel like living, nothing that happens can make me feel at all.

This is how my life is now, and if that's how it's going to be, I hope I fucking stop breathing in my sleep.

keep shining on

"i need a purpose and i need a reason. i need to know that there is trophy and meaning, to all that we lose and all we fight for. to all our loves and our wars."

One minute, we're so close to being good friends. The next it's like you barely know me. I really wish I understood, why can't you see how much I'd give for us to be close? That every look I throw your way is me begging you to let me in?

No matter what I say, and no matter how much nyc feels right and how much I want to go, I'd like nothing more than for someone to give me a reason to question my decisions, someone to give me a reason to stay, give me something to fucking miss. or at least, help me feel like i'll be missed, that this won't be a one way street.

The people I cherish most now don't seem to want anything to do with me. I gave up on so many friends the past few months, and the kids who I want so badly in my life just don't seem to know I exsist. I know I'm exaggerating, I'm just fucking socially awkward. I'm sorry, please don't give up on me. I'll come around soon, I promise. I need this.

Inbetween the Sky and Doubt

There was a moment last night, where I looked at everyone around me and I hated each and every one of them. All that was running through my mind was, "I need to get out of here..I need to move NOW."


In the very bottom of my heart though, I wish someone would give me a reason to stay. Or at least something to miss, something that makes me question my decisions.

Stop pushing me away.

ups and downs

Why can't you see that I care about you? You throw me off everytime I see you, I just enjoy it so much more when those days come around where the moment I walk up there you are waiting for hug. Wish I didn't care.

The only one I trust.

I never thought you'd be one to disappoint me as well.

I no longer believe in friends.


To be completely honest though, it's been kind of strange recently. The people who's lives I haven't been a part of and the people who want me in their lives are the opposites of what you'd think.

Everyday is one more day with out you forever.
Everyday is one more day that I hope I'm closer to seeing you again.

Circa Survive at the fucking first unitarian church. Where I stood on stage and dance and sang my whole fucking soul out less than 6 inches away from Colin, the bassest with Anthony singing less than 3 feet away. It was surreal, and I've never felt like that before. It was different than any other feeling a show has ever given me.

Tonight was one of the best experiences of my entire life. And for once, I'm glad I was alone.



....
My heart isn't broken and I'm not dead.

We talked about forever and all those other useless words.

This is the first time I've realized how much I miss our friendship. And now I'm crying. It's just of hard to go from being joined at the hip to barely even talking to someone. I think out of all the "best" friends I've had here, I was most attached to you, closest with you. I wish I could tell you this and I wish you'd feel the same.

I miss you, I miss when it was just us.
Life felt kind of exciting then.
Life felt like there was something to look forward to.
I was once needed.
I was once important.

Voicing your opinion is very different than complaining.

I don't miss anyone. I think that's a little odd. I feel so much tension and aggression towards everyone lately. I know I don't honestly feel this way, but I lay around feeling like I don't care about one single person, let alone anything. Feeling this way for months on ends is taking a toll. I don't feel like seeing anyone, but I'm still holding it against you every day my phone doesn't ring. Every night you have an amazing time and don't think you invite me along. To my surprise though, the people I do feel like seeing are probably the ones you'd least expect.

Also, I've come to the realization that while I sit here feeling like my life is just slipping through my hands and passing me by, I feel like this is it. Like I'll never live that life I want, Like the way I feel now is how it's going to be from here on out.When in reality, I'm 18. I have a whole lot of time left to just live. It'd be a lot different if I was 29 and this unhappy.

To be honest, it's because I'm here..simply waiting. Just waiting for the next few months to get over with so I can proceed with moving on.


I want to get out of here bases solely on the fact that I want to forget about all of you.
I want to forget about all of you, so I can stop feeling like you've forgotten about me.

Sing me anything.

Most of my past, be it 2 years ago, 4 years ago, or 10 years ago..feels like an entire different life. I remember times from back then, but I can't connect with them like I used to be able to. But lately, I've realized there's part of my past that I haven't yet let go of. That I still talk and think about as if they're still current in my life. I don't know if that's a good or bad thing, or if it doesn't even matter at all.

More than anything, I've come to realize that I still talk about Ashley as if she's still a huge part of my life. When in reality, I've seen her once for about 12 hours in the past two years. In those two years we'll go a few months at a time where we call each other and talk once in awhile..but most of the time she could be dead and I'd have no idea. I call her now, and she doesn't answer or return my phone calls. It makes me so fucking sad, because without realizing it before, she's still such a huge part of who I am. I find myself constantly imaging my life with her in it while I'm on long drives home by myself. I miss having that best friend feeling. I've had and have tons of "best friends" here, but it's rare when I feel so close to someone that they're my family and my equal. The only two people I've ever been that way with are Cecily and Ashley, and while Cecily was my best friend in the entire world, Ashley was my sister. Ashley was around a whole lot longer. I just wish she still was. And it's got me wondering if I'm going to be thinking about her for the rest of my life, or if she'll come back sometime.

As detached from my past as I feel the majority of the time, theres those little pieces that I can't seem to let go of.

I'm almost proud of myself. That "anniversary" came and went, and I didn't notice at all. Actually, they both did...It's been a long, long time. We're two different people, this grudge I hold barely even exsists anymore despite what I tell people. I honestly do wonder what would happen if I took it a step further, and actually proceeded to not totally ignore your exsistance next weekend. It's pure curiousity, it wouldn't matter either way. We're a piece of eachother's past, I just can't help but be curious about all could be's in any situation, this one included. This is just what comes of knowing we'll be in the same place at the same time, and wondering if any awkwardness with ensue.

"Did you forget that yellow bird? How could you forget your yellow bird?"
One morning, I'll wake up having a reason to feel like even waking up at all.

a few more hours.

I used to be fun. I used to be someone people always wanted around. I used to be funny. I used to make everyone laugh. I used to feel full of life, now I'm empty. I used to find joy in little things, and it didn't take much. Now I can't remember the last time I felt like anything mattered. I used to love living. I used to be a person worth knowing.

In all honesty, I wish I was seven again. At least back then, life was so easy. Not to mention, I had a definite best friend and more importantly, I had a family. I had the family that I know, not this broken home I've been left with for the past three and a half years. I wonder, am I ever going to get over this? Or is this how I'm going feel, who I'm going to be, from here on out. I can't live with out feeling something more than this. I can't live with out love. I'm so sick of thinking these same thoughts, night after night. I'm so sick of feeling like there's not heart inside of me to do any loving at all. I want to feel normal again, I want to not feel like a mess that I don't have the ability to clean up.

This is not okay. It'll never be okay with out you, I don't want to fucking miss you anymore. I don't want to ignore my current life because I'm too busy looking at these pictures reaching for something that'll never be within my reach again. I'm sick of this missing and longing feeling being the only thing that's felt at all.

I have to stop staying up this late. No good ever comes of it.

"What part of clinging to the same trends makes sense to a girl who criesat least twice a day because she's unhappy?"

2008.

I've listened to Valencia for about two and a half years now. Which isn't a lot for kids on the east coast, especially in this area, but in early '06 when I bought their first CD I didn't know anyone else in California that listened to them, let alone anyone that had ever even heard of them. I wore the shit out of that album, I remember the day I bought it really clearly, and how from that time until the end of that summer when I moved to Delaware it was pretty much the only thing I listened to. 3,000 miles will forever be MY song, based solely on the fact that they came into my life at that specific time and it hit me so very hard. Now, I've seen them perform numerous times, but for some reason tonight out did all the rest. It was their Album Release show for their second album, at the Troc Balcony (which is easily the smallest venue I have EVER been to..aaammmmaaazzinnnggg) and being right up front, the moment they started playing that song, I completely lost it.

Over the past year or so I've realized how much bigger they've been getting, how the venues have been getting bigger, how I hadn't liked any new songs they were releasing, and when I found out they signed with Columbia records I was feeling so distant from them. Despite how vast my music taste is, and how much it varies at any given time when it comes to what I'm currently obsessing over, theres a few bands that I will take to the grave. mewithoutYou, Thursday, Saves the Day, and Circa Survive to name the main ones. Up until recently Valencia was always on that list, but due to me realizing those few things. I kind of forgot that. Well tonight, I remembered why I love that band and why I always have and always will.

No matter how good a show makes me feel, every one of my favorite bands leaves me with a different kind of feeling. I couldn't possibly live without the feeling Valencia's shows give me, because it's different than all the rest. So tonight, feeling unexcited for their show, the minute I realized how much it actually meant when they were playing..I can't even describe it. So after realizing that, when they started playing 3,000 Miles I completely geeked. I've never felt that emotional during a song, I've never held back tears so hard. Then George grabbed my hand during the first part of the chorus, "3,000 miles from the place I once called home.." and I don't think anything has ever so strongly made my night. The show was fucking amazing over all, and I'm so glad I got to have the chance to remember how much they mean to me. Lauren and I also definitely lost it during From the Second I Wake Up, like always..but tonight felt different. It's so strange that I've seen those songs live so many times now, but they effected me so much more tonight than ever before. Later Lauren mentioned that they don't only hit her so hard because of the people she's lost, but because of how much I'VE gone through and lost as well, it made me love her so much more. I'd be no where with out that girl, I would have nothing here. Tonight just meant a whole lot, obviously.

The rest of the day was really good too. Lauren and myself left Delaware around 11 in the morning, so we could also go to the free acoustic show Valencia was playing in the afternoon at the FYE on Broad St. We made it on time, ran into Bryan Calvetti, and then they played about 5 songs. We walked around a bit, got followed by a short, white, and screaming obviously crazy and potentially homeless man who stood on the corner singing, "JOY TO THE WORLDDD" and then got some food and had a picnic in a park near Walnut St. We went to South St. for a bit, walked around, I bought a scarf, we went to a few thrift stores and condom kingdom hahah, and then headed up to Chinatown where the Trocadero is, to sit outside in line for awhile. During the next hour or so I spent way too much money on vegetable fried rice and while I was sitting on the ground extremely depressed when I realized I wasn't even hungry, some random black woman exclaimed she needed help, proceeded to look around at everyone and then her eyes went back to me. She marched on over and told me about how she couldn't get her bag of cotton candy open and that she knew I could help her. (Honestly, I'm so not fazed by the fact that I will always attract weird shit anymore) and I eventually got the bag open and she walked away saying, "now THATS what I'm talking about!" We waited in line for awhile, went inside, talked shit on everyone around us, two other bands played, I was completely grossed out by and freaking out about the 400 lb black girl next to me who kept touching me, and some girl in front of us told me I looked really familiar and was trying really hard to figure out how she knew me. (This happens so much, I really don't get it. People who I've never met or seen in my life somehow know who I am. It king of freaks me out, because it's in the most random situations.) The show was amazing as I previously may have mentioned, and well worth the $10 it cost for not only the show but also a free new album, a sticker, and some pins. Afterwards, while Lauren thought she was dying and I couldn't feel my knees, we went to Wawa and then some how got away with out having to pay the $10 we should have for parking..simply because I lifted up the guard rail haha, seriously perfect almost ending to the night.

And that would have been the perfect ending, if that's how it had ended, but it got even better for me. Now, if you know me really well, you know about my fucking obsession with city lights and how I can't seem to explain what they do to me..but they make me feel so many emotions at once I feel like my heart is going to burst right out of my chest. Well, I love Philly..but I'm always the one driving so I never really get to look around at everything, especially on the drive home, but Lauren drove today. So I turned around, literally gasped and scared Lauren, and really got to look, I mean really look, at the Philadelphia skyline in the night sky for the first time. I couldn't control myself, I rolled down my window and stuck half my body out and stayed that way starring at all the lights until I couldn't see them anymore. And I was a fucking girl and cried my little eyes out because I can't tell you the last night I actually felt that alive.

Despite all the shit that's been going on in my life, despite the fact that I have no idea what I'm doing or where I'm going, despite how fucking discontent I feel with not living the way I know I need to, and despite not knowing anything at all really..Tonight was a night that's gonna be in my heart forever and really defines the kind of life I need to live. I loved it, and I need to feel like this so much more often, if not every day for the rest of my life. And believe me, I will make it happen.

"I'm making my way, through cities and towns. Just trying to lose myself in skylines and forget.."

"So let's go back down to the back of that river where we we can dive right in and forget about the worries from the world outside, 'Cause you know my world, my world's not over, Because I have an angel on my shoulder."