003.

The sole reason I would ever rely on drinking for anything, would be the ability to say what I need to say (without hiding through a text message or some other form of communication that's not face to face) without feeling awkward or weird or over think it. When I'm not sober it just comes out easier and works. Hopefully it doesn't embarrass me but even then at least you have an excuse that you were drunk- but then still, AT LEAST, you got it off your chest. And that always feels better.

This situation is uncomfortable. I hate, absolutely hate, not knowing where I stand with someone; And then you find yourself questioning whether the pros are worth it or if the cons are too much to handle and you'd rather hit edit-> revert to original and let the new additions go.

I like that we can cuddle in the car, I like that I feel more comfortable and closer in some ways- but I don't know what the limits are. We agreed we'd do the things we did drunk sober as well- so does that mean we want to? But when? And how would we ever talk about it without a little alcohol in us?

I don't want to think about this. I know these aren't true feelings, but it's something. I guess it's a relationship I've never had before and the fact that I truly like kissing you doesn't help. Because drop everything else, that fact doesn't change. I really like kissing you and it makes me think about it and thinking has never got me anywhere but sick.

It's strange though, because although I've always liked little kisses and kissing was a nice thing, I never loved kissing anyone. I never stopped and thought, wow I love kissing you; But with you it's different and it's making me crave your attention because I don't want this to just fade and I don't want to become uncomfortably uncomfortable.

Enough of that, the weekend started out when I came home from work on Friday around 7. I made cupcakes, Sascha and I walked to the corner store for 40s and around 9 some friends came over. I helped Eva, Marissa and Sascha make his cookies and then played cards/Presidents with Dan, Evan, Derek and Liz. Those are the people I feel like I've been around the least but I think they're my favorites. More people came over and eventually Toby called me to ask where to buy beer and that they'd be over soon. The show started around midnight and Joey played a Bruce Springsteen cover set on Mandolin, that was a lot of fun..a lot of sing a longs and some meows. Then Eric played (and by then I was very, very drunk and Sascha too) and he played Instant Gratification like I asked him to, that was so great. Toby played and it was fun- people sitting all around my living room until 3 am. I met a bunch of people, some other absolutely ridiculous things happened and I woke up at 7:30 am to Chase standing in my room, which was weird. I slowly got ready to go and eventually everyone (Madeline, Eric, Toby, Jake and Joey) else got up except for Sascha. It took three different tries and a lot of sleep talking (tell me when you're getting the money, i'm walking to the bus, but Sergio left..) before he finally got coherent enough to get ready and get in the car. We left finally around 8:30 and headed for Kentucky for Crucial Quiet Fest and Sascha was still drunk for like 3 more hours.

Sascha, Joey, Madeline, Chase and myself crammed in Chase's car and we got to Berea, KY a little before 1. Sascha and I went for a walk and talked about some of the ridiculous things that happened a few hours prior and ended up walking a few different places for awhile. At one point while wandering around the city of Berea Sascha said, "I forgot how much I love being somewhere I don't know, a new city" and he nailed it. I couldn't believe how good it felt starring out the windows at the mountains in Tennessee with no responsibility other than to have fun. We got back to the Black Feather and I saw Anthony and Alexis. I watched Sarah Silantro's set. I think I wandered around for most of the first half of the fest, sometimes talking to people, sitting around with Sascha and feeling really weird and really great at the same time. Watching the sets in between all that of course. I really loved everyone who played, even the ones who I don't normally (or haven't previously) liked recorded. American War was especially lovely. I talked to the other Tesla for awhile, it was kind of sad when I kept hearing "Tes!" and turning around and remembering there's no one that calls me that within miles and miles. I actually formally met Ardilla and she's a lot better than I previously thought (her and Melody are actually coming to hang out in Asheville tomorrow). Saw Dakota, of course as well. I'll always disappoint myself when it comes to certain people though, I guess. However now I know I didn't have anything to be upset about.

When the first half ended around 5, Sascha, Chase and me went in search of a grocery store for some free food (which never got eaten until like midnight since we got yelled at for having it later). When the second half of the fest started, I felt a lot more comfortable. I think it's because the initial part of the fest (any fest) takes some soaking in, getting into the mindset for what's typically a weekend full of fun. That's when I realized by the time I was finally all in, ready to go, it'd be over and time to fall asleep and then wake up to head back to Asheville.

Bands started playing around 7 and I wandered around some more. Dylan Sizemore was great, so was Kyle Hall. I can't get over him being 15. He's a super sweet kid and I think I want him to be my little brother. Everyone was so sleepy the whole day, it was kind of weird actually; Crucial sleepy fest? Eventually more and more people played and slowly (very slowly) it was time to say goodbye. I hate it. So much. One day fests are absolutely horrible as of now. Dakota was the hardest because he one person there I actually wish I got to spend more time with (generally), but the Wild headed back for Atlanta that same night. Eventually we (and like 25 other people) went back to the house (Anthony, Alexis, Melody and Lauren's place) to stay the night. I sat around Alexis' room with her and Madeline talking and eating carrots for awhile- there's not much to say about the rest of the night, I was tired and bumming myself out because I didn't have it in me to socialize and instead silently pined away for someone's attention. Slept on the hardwood floor with just an extra blanket, Sascha's coat and my feet on top of his through his sleeping bag. After going to bed early, everyone was up by 9. I put Sascha's coat on and ate watermelon and silently watched. I wrote Alexis a note and got ready to go, and eventually so did everyone else. The goodbyes seriously hurt, even with people I'm not close with. Eric Ayotte actually gave me a hug and told me it was nice meeting me, Toby reached up from the ground and squeezed my hand, Anthony said my arrival was a pleasant surprise and I just hugged Alexis forever.
We left around 10:30 and headed back to North Carolina.

On the way home, about half way, we stopped in Knoxville, Tennessee for vegan pizza and got it for carry out and sat in the grass outside eating. Madeline and I shared a pizza and we took group pictures. We dropped Joey off at some random place on the highway -i also forgot to mention when we stopped and picked up a dead raccoon for him- and Madeline and I sang cute songs in the back seat the rest of the way to Asheville. Being home with no plans after a trip is such an awkward time, I didn't know what to do with myself so I just laid in my head for awhile and twenty minutes later I got a text message that made everything feel a little okay "So good to see you yesterday!" Do you have any idea how much I needed that, and only from you?

The rest of the night I did some dishes, ate some left over soup and Sascha and I "rented" a movie on itunes. Now I'm sitting in my room wishing I had the guts and right moment to say what I want to say, and thinking about the things I have to do tomorrow that I really don't want to do tomorrow and how the Taxpayers are playing at my house.