fingers

Last night was weird. I can't think of a better or different way to describe it because it wasn't good and it and wasn't bad. I came home with presents- stolen gardeing books and new cookbooks with Edamame recipes (because our freezer is still full of them), and came home to dinner already done. It's really cute living with good people all the time; people I cook dinner for and people who cook vegan meals when I'm not even home so that I can eat when I am, people who call to see where I am when they don't know what I'm up to. A little later Sascha road their bike (in the snow! why was it snowing and why is there now snow stuck to the ground in the backyard out my window?!) to the liquor store and came home with whiskey. Claire, Aaron and Sascha sat around playing Johnny Hobo songs and other things on the guitar, ukulele and banjo for awhile while I sat there reading a zine. I keep buying Doris zines and they keep ending up too strangely relevant. Eventually Claire and I SORT of made Hot Toddies and eventually friends showed up; First Dave and Mica, then Judah, Dan, Bender and Evan. We all sat around for awhile and I was a little drunk but not drunk enough and then we piled into two cars and went to see Jesse and Will's band play in West Asheville. They're called Young Mountain and I'm pretty sure they also played Pearson House the first night I went out/over there/to a house show in Asheville. They're super, super good and exactly my taste when it comes to experimental indie music- the remind me of a band that'd play in Newark though and once again I'm going to repeat that I shouldn't drink whiskey, it just makes me sad. I got in a sort of bad mood and met a girl named Paris and felt uncomfortable because she was wearing a mink around her neck. Eventually we left and Sascha knew I was unhappy and wrote "I <3 Tes" on the snow accumulated on the back of Dave's car. It helped a little but I couldn't help but think about the friends far away that actually call me Tes on the drive home while I starred out the window at the old buildings on my favorite street and drive through Asheville. We got home and Sascha tackled me onto the chair and wouldn't let me get up til I cheered up, he told everyone that I was his girlfriend and Claire told him he was a shameless flirt- honey, you have no idea. I walked in the kitchen and asked if there was enough whiskey left for me to have any because unfortunately I knew the only way to cheer myself up was to get more drunk, and Sascha told me the rest was mine. I finished it and then had 5 shots of Judah's tequila. I got super drunk and Sascha got naked and I had a conversation with Sinclaire and Judah about identifying as queer and after telling them how much I don't identify as straight it was basically decided that queer would and does define how I feel, I'm glad that talk happened.

Now it's 10 am and I'm still a little tipsy. With shaky hands I need to send a few text messages and get ready for work. It's funny, I can kiss one person last night and wake up and turn on mix made by someone I wish was by my side right now. Everything is so backwards from the way I always thought it would be. I never know how I feel but I always know I feel so much. There's money in my bank account and tonight I'll buy some beer and try and fit in here, but tomorrow I'll use that same money to buy a few bus tickets to places where people I actually fit with live and wonder if that boy I kissed last night will be enough to make me want to come back when I leave.