001001

For some reason I favor writing to a person versus about a person. Where if I'm thinking about someone I write my blog to them rather than talk about them, I'm not sure why and I think I'm only mentioning it and starting this entry talking about it because it's something I just realized and started to do with this entry and realized I didn't want to. Because the things I have to say aren't actually to the person that started all these thoughts, I don't need to write anything to them because I don't have a relationship with them anymore where I'd ever say those things to them and I don't have anything that needs to be said so I won't write this to them.

However I still think about them from time to time, I wish I could pinpoint a reason for that- maybe you always think every so often about someone if they had any kind of major impact in your life no matter how long they were actually around, how close you were, etc. Today was one of those days that I thought about this person again, and it felt different yet familiar. Different because it felt, well, different, than it has in a long time. Familiar because I've felt it before- just not in a long time. I couldn't figure out why I suddenly felt that way, because I don't miss him. I don't care about what he's doing, I don't care if he's happy, I don't care about anything that happened. What I do miss are those feelings. I miss how I felt when I did care if he was happy, when I did care what he was doing. I miss being overwhelmingly happy just from seeing someone's name pop up on my phone or hearing about their day. I miss sleeping in someone's arms who I truly care about and being in moments where nothing but that moment mattered. I miss how it felt walking down the boardwalk hand in hand in his pocket, I miss that feeling- not the person. And today I felt that missing feeling for the first time in awhile, and realized the date. January 27th; exactly a year ago to the moment of the realization I was in his kitchen making vegan pancakes for the first time. January 27th; exactly a year ago the morning after our first sleep over at his house at the Jersey Shore, the night after he came to see me for the first time after we disclosed our secret crushes, and driving home thinking “how did I get so lucky?” as 'Jersey Shore' by The Promise Ring came on shuffle on my Ipod. And after re-feeling these moments for the first time in quite some time I found myself wondering if things would have turned out differently if things had continued to feel the way they did those first few nights and weeks. If the initial heart flutters and skipped beats had continued- where would I be right now? When I think about where I am now, I think about the other places I've seen myself- like a little house in New Brunswick with a boy I could have fallen in love with. Would I be happy? Would it have been worth it to miss out on everything else I've learned, wanted and experienced since then? Would I have a ring on my finger? (Scary.)

The answer is that it wasn't meant to be. Those things weren't meant to happen because what happened after that is what was meant to happen- I have to, and DO, believe that. It's the never ending topic of whether or not that type of fate exists, maybe fate isn't the actual word for how it's applied in my life but there's so denying it sometimes. I think getting my heart broken by the first person I cared that much about was what needed to happen to make me fall in love with my best friend(s) instead and have the best summer of my life and begin to grow into the person I've become and am continuing to become. That being said, if I believe that theory then I suppose being in Asheville is where I'm supposed to be and I can see that but I don't have a total opinion on it yet. What I do know is that one year ago I was driving from Forked River, New Jersey to Middletown, Delaware rereading a text that said “Don't think for a minute I wanted you to go. This has potential. We have potential.” and planning out a life with a boy in my head and now here I am, laying in the dark in my bedroom in Asheville, North Carolina after the first show at my house. A polar opposite to anything I saw myself doing January 27th of 2010.

If someone told me a year ago tonight I'd be sitting in my living room full of people I didn't know existed a year ago, let alone a few weeks ago, I don't think I would have believed it'd happen. At the time it was something I wanted, something I saw in my head but didn't know how to make it a reality and instead was willing to try and convince myself maybe that was all it was ever going to be- something in my head, and instead was ready to give it all up for some other silly person. Obviously those thoughts of “do I give it all up?” “but don't I feel a connection to these things for a reason” and those bad dreams I remember all too clearly “don't give up the things you want” weren't just thoughts, but truth. Because that person that was making my question myself left my life as quickly as they entered, but all those things I once wanted, I still want; And now either have or am closer than ever to having.

Tonight about 15 people sat around my living room. Kylewilliam aka imadethismistake played, as well as Madeline Ava. After the short, but nice, show everyone headed over to Houston for another show but I decided to stay home. At first this was soley based on the fact that I didn't have money for a 40 but now I think I made the right choice. I spent most of the night talking to kw and Shaun about a million things and couldn't stop thinking about how in early 2009 when I first started getting into the diy punk community, or at least acknowledging it as something different that just liking music, shows and my friends' bands, I remember coming across a band called imadethismistake somewhere. Never ever would I have thought a year and a half or so later he'd be sitting in my living room in North Carolina talking about his friend Pat (the bunny) and forcing me to text Dakota to ask if I could ride with them down to a Fest in Florida in late February and then watching The Social Network.

To anyone else reading this, it's probably not even in the least bit interesting but I don't think my own life will ever cease to surprise me. I spend most of my time trying to wrap my head around the way everything always comes together but how I never once expected it to or pick out certain things and think “this will be something bigger one day”, or at least not all the time. I can't count anymore the amount of times I've sat here and typed about how I “never would have expected” something.