I don't want to say I need to find myself. I don't want to be a cliche early twenty-something searching for my identity. Even if I did feel that way, I think I'm a lot better off than some people who don't know who they are, what they like, what they want, etc. I feel like I know, for the most part, what I'm about; What's important to me, what I like, what I want to hold close, what I want to surround and involve myself with. But I don't entirely know how to get there. So it's not finding myself really, it's finding a way to be that person- how to fully feel like the person I think I am. Well, maybe that is finding yourself. I think I just feel like I've already covered half of the steps to getting there. I know who I am, I just have to find out how to be that person. I don't have to figure out who the person I'm looking for is first. I know what I care about and what I want to learn more about. I know how I want to feel, I just don't know how to feel it.
What I do know is that I want to feel comfortable, I want to feel fun, I want to not be confused when he doesn't give me as much attention as he did they day before- and more than not being confused, I don't want it to even faze me, don't want to be capable of even noticing or being aware of any difference. I want to feel free and I want to feel like I make a difference in the people's lives who I'm around, whether by their choice or by association. I want to be incapable of feeling jealousy or longing, I want to be completely okay with being just myself, just me, whatever my life is going to consist of that day and not what I'm missing out on or what other people are doing that I wish I could be too.
I feel like I could want a whole lot more. My dreams and goals and wants could be a lot more difficult to grasp (mentally and physically). As always, everything I think about and reach for is based around how it feels; everything with me is always a feeling (my goals consist of wanting to feel a certain way, to be completely and utterly happy [and to be that happy, I need to feel all of these things at once, that is the definition of happiness for the person I am] rather than goals like becoming a lawyer or owning a house- in fact I don't think they could be further from that). I could have high set standards for myself and life that seem ridiculous, but I don't think I do. I think everything I want is relatively simple, I just don't know how to get to the place they are- or even back to the place that was closer than where I am now. I don't know where to start, but I am going to start to look a lot harder. I guess that's really all there is to do, especially now when I need it more than ever.
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I woke up naked next to you this morning thinking two things, whether we had found waldo on the last page of Wheres Waldo? the night before drunk on the couch at a house show after the last band played, and wanting to listen to the Taxpayers. I don't know what changed, but I'm feeling better again. My thoughts aren't consumed by what our situation and relationship is, or how at home I don't feel here so much anymore. I'm a little happy, a little content. I can go out and buy myself a forty and talk to some strangers, I can dance around work only thinking about my life at that present moment and nothing else. Maybe I just have no control over my emotions changing from day to day, or maybe it really helped hearing you tell me you loved me and all your friends love me as I laid in your arms a few nights ago. I'm still figuring out my relationship with you (my first polyamorous partner), I'm still figuring out how to talk to my co workers and how small talk even works, I'm still figuring out how to feel comfortable in my own body and I'm still figuring out where I fit here. But at least Im figuring it out, or have the motivation to do so again- and it helps knowing you're there if I need someone to hold my hand; whether it be able to walk into the store, to have the courage to dance to a band in some smoky basement or under the covers when we come home at night just to feel you there. I can't thank you enough for being the best garlic loving, purple haired sweetie in my life.
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