001.

You know things have changed when I can get dropped off at a show by myself, meet up with some people I know, get myself really drunk, dance a little and find myself a ride home. Although the thought of ever leaving Asheville and starting over new again, or what could possibly be in the future, is entirely overwhelming and not something I'd like to do again any time soon or even think about, at least now I really know what I already knew; I'll be okay wherever I go, these things always just take time.

Last night I sat on the front steps, drank a beer and sewed until around ten when Amanda and Claire were ready to go, we got more beer and headed downtown. They were going to a show at Broadway's and I forgot it was going to be 21+ (ugh, two and a half months!) so I asked them to drop me off at the Vacation house show. I got there and felt strangely comfortable being alone; I don't know whether that was because I knew Sascha, Madeline and Chase were inside or not. I peed in some random persons yard and opened my other beer. I saw Vacation's last two songs and ran into Madeline and hung out with her for awhile outside. Sascha finally came out and was surprised to see me. He traded me some whisky for some beer and disappeared. I spent most of the night talking to Madeline on the back steps. I danced a lot to Nude Beach who just totally sound like Brooklyn, and they passed around a bottle of whisky and some nice guy made sure I got it (thanks dude!). After their set I tried to bum a cigarette off of someone since I left mine in Amanda's car and he made me roll it myself and I actually did it and it was smokeable! I asked Chase for a ride home and so did some other random guy so we took him home and he kissed us all goodbye which was weird and I think I told everyone his name was Aaron but I think everyone I met last night was named Aaron. I got home and was a lot more drunk than I realized. I woke up to Marcel and Outlaw on the couch which is weird too.

Getting to hang out with Madeline last night was really nice since she never comes over. We're still a little awkward when we talk but she's one of my favorite people. Other than that: getting a message from Cam on facebook made all my fears of things being different when he gets back fade, Claire and I are healthy eating and I'm doing a little better every day and I'm going to be serious for once. I'm done letting bad self/body image get in the way of my life; And while I could just accept how I am, I can also change it and that's what'll make me happier so that's what I'm doing. Yesterday I went on a really long bike ride alone and I swear the adrenaline high lasted all day; I just felt good.

Life life life life.