the last time

I've done all that I can do and now it's all up to you.
I feel like I've been in this position far too many times, but this time it's a bit different. I have to remind myself of so many things, like how ugly jealousy is and no matter what you're doing I was still the girl you'd come pick up just to watch movies, who you'd lean over and kiss on the forehead in the car. And that if we had said goodbye for the summer, it'd be like this anyways.

The outcomes are clear. I'm more than aware (and how I wish I wasn't) that I'll spend my summer missing you, a little more sad in every situation than I would be if you were here. But the simple fact is that I have to deal with it, you're not here and I have to get over it- because I can't and won't know how the future is going to be when you're back, until you're back; And for all I know the time between now and then is indefinite.

I'm just waiting to be able to sleep. Waiting to be able to shut my eyes and rest easy. That can't be asking too much, I'm not asking to fall asleep smiling like I used to.

Being back in Asheville has my sense of time completely distorted. Almost six weeks have passed since those goodbye kisses on the front steps, but since I've been back I still catch myself hoping to run into you downtown when I'm walking alone; Waiting to see you with a banjo in your lap sitting on some sidewalk. I'm walking around this little city wishing I could walk to that house I was almost always sure to find you, sit down on the couch next to you and wait for a kiss and a night of Firefly. I'm waiting for you to walk in the kitchen and when I act flustered and busy, you grab my arm and pull me in to you.

I can't fall asleep because those few weeks play through my head. Going to bed in that tiny room, on that tiny twin mattress, having tickle fights like middle school crushes. The nights you'd walk an hour or more just to see me, show up drenched in sweat at midnight, all to sit with me and you didn't care if I felt like being quiet. Walking to the store, sharing forties and never ceasing to remind you that you "owe me a million". The days we'd plan the next day, adventures to take place that week and how I never stopped being surprised that you'd want to spend all your time with me. I was always waiting for you to get bored. Most of all I'm watching the rain wishing to go back to those afternoons of thunderstorms, sitting on that porch hand in hand.

It all happened too quickly and easily but I mean it more than I mean anything that this was different than ever before. The moment I saw you, the moment we were first introduced, I knew I needed to know you. And every moment after proved me right.

All those words.
All the adorable things you never ceased to say before we fell asleep.
"Can I tell you a secret?" "Yes" "It's not really a secret" "What is it!" "I think you're really cute, every thing you do is cute."
"All the sweet peas are by the highway, so I guess we can't really eat them." "No sweet peas for us ever." "Except you........ HA GOT YOU! Yes, the sweetest sweet pea of them all."

"I still don't know what it is." "What?" "That thing about you." "What are you talking about?" "There's just something about you, and I don't know what it is. But it's still there and its been there since before we even spoke. I just knew I had to get to know that girl, like I had no choice in it. And it's still there."

"Sure am gonna miss you".


I'm going to drive myself crazy, the chances are so high. But maybe I'm already there. Or maybe this is all a part of it; Getting over you without really getting over you, realizing how amazing those times were and how if it's supposed to return to the same once we're in the same place at the same time again, it will.

The fact now is that my heart is broken without you even meaning to break my heart. You're just out exploring the world and I wish it would have worked out better, or that we had met sooner and had more than a few weeks of so many good things. And now I'm just here, hoping you're having the time of your life, but anticipating your return.

My heart is far from my body. States and disconnect. I'm learning how to let go without a bad ending- I've never had to do this before, and without letting too far go. But I'm learning to do so, so that I can live my own life again, so that I can be happy with or without anyone else. I'm glad I have the summer because I feel like it's going to take that much time, if not longer. But if I can do this, if I can stop falling apart long enough to put myself back together enough to stick, then when the time comes everything will be even better than before. At least I can hope, and that's better than the sheer desperation of feeling like nothing could ever possibly be okay again- and that's a feeling I've become far too familiar with lately. I'm crawling back from rock bottom here, and I'm hardly off the ground yet. But I'm trying so hard to be done now, there's a long road waiting outside my house and a heavy door to pull open to get there first.