005.

Hearing Sascha tell someone else that I basically threw myself into a whole new world really made me feel better, I'm not totally alone because he gets it; He knows my every day life is very new and it's sweet when he refers to people as "our friends".

I do like my North Carolina life, I keep saying this over and over but that's because I guess there's not much else to talk about or that outweighs the immense feelings all of this overwhelms me with.

It's easier every time I go out and hang out with these new "friends", some days it takes more out of me..but now I actually WANT to be there, want to hang out rather than pushing myself into it out of necessity rather than interest. However it's been so hard pushing myself that I've become very dependent on the idea of not being sober. But when does dependency become an issue or negative factor? Because I'm not physically dependent on anything, I don't need anything to get by or through the day. I need it on a mental level, if I'm drunk or have some sort of mind altering substance in me- I like myself more. I can go out and have fun and not feel awkward or uncomfortable. I could be doing the same exact thing I would be sober, but I feel okay and it washes over all the fear or feelings I want so badly to avoid.
I don't think I'll always need something. I do think eventually these people will feel like my friends and not just a nice idea coming out of my housemate's mouth. But I guess while I've always enjoyed drinking, etc etc I never had this undeniable urge to always feel like drinking and the fact that I don't want to go out or do anything if I don't have some way of getting ahold of something to put myself under the influence of and avoid feeling bad.

Saturday was super fun though. Which is nice to say after my most about Friday night. I spent most of the day trying to decide if I would be able to make myself go hang out and eventually I did. I did too much of something, but it helped me feel alright with having a really long night. After wandering around for most of the day I met back up with Sascha at Izzy's since some of his friends from Knoxville were there. They gave us a ride back home, we made dinner and eventually he went back downtown to go to the bar with Eva and some others for her 21st, I made plans to meet up with them about 2 hours later since Eva had told me the night before to come hang out on her birthday. Around 9:45 I met them, Dan, Judah, Joey and Otto at the Barcade and soon we all piled in Dan's car to head to a metal show in the Experimental Forrest. None of us really had any idea where we were going or what was actually going on, we just knew we were supposed to park kind of far away and then walk into the woods. We got up by UNCA, parked and then walking like 3/4 of a mile into the woods. Eventually we started seeing candles everywhere and eventually it led to more candles and people sitting around on logs in a big circle filled with candles. We were there for probably 2 hours and finally the black metal band played acoustic. We only stayed for one song because it was getting really really cold and late and Eva wanted to go do more things for her birthday. We walked out of the woods and went back to Houston house and drank whiskey. The rest of the night was filled with weird dance parties in houses filled with green lights, freezing riding in the back of trucks, being more drunk than I realized and coming home to cuddles and falling in love with your hair.

"I love the way you smell, it's so comforting."